Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, again, Moz! :)

    Not much to add to my most recent journey. I'm feeling quite motivated in most areas of my life. I practice piano and guitar everyday, as well as going for walks. I'm just a beginner musically, and probably don't have much of an aptitude, but it's an enjoyable way to spend time. Many times in the past I didn't like doing things, because I thought I had to be amazing at it right away. Of course, that's impossible. It's why I use to lie a lot. I wanted to be seen as the perfect, caring, man.

    Later on today I'm going to yoga and then to a coffee shop for a cappuccino. I was thinking of painting another room, but I may make today a bit more chill.
    path-forward, Gil79 and Mozenjo like this.
  2. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Hey Saville, thank you for your transparency regarding sexual frequency with your SO. It's an essential building block in recovery, but becomes a significant issue if it is unavailable. I've struggled with that as my wife is often unavailable here in our early 40's with young kids and the exhaustion and stress that goes with that. If unaddressed, all of the underlying issues of PMO use come back for me: resentment, rejection, loneliness, isolation, anger, etc. You rightly point out that we need to investigate and address our body cycles and healthy actions/responses. It sure isn't easy! But it's easier that all of the crap that comes with PMO.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Well said, @realness . Thanks for posting!

    I might not be having sex with any frequency, but I've been highly motivated in other areas since I retired. Retiring from conformity has given me a real release to pursue things that are actually interesting. I did worry that I would lapse into watching tv, but I barely glance at the pixel box.

    I heard a therapist on the radio the other day who said "why do we hold ourselves to a higher standard than other people?" Meaning: why can't we cut ourselves some slack? I found this statement empowering. I am so much more likely to do things when my standards are lower. In other words, I can be a child again, simply playing.
    path-forward, StarWarsFan and Gil79 like this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Speaking of lower standards, I'm enjoying practising piano. I started with guitar but I'm finding piano more fun. I don't have a natural aptitude for it, which makes it a great hobby. My wife rolls her eyes every time I start up at the keyboard. I moved the keyboard to the basement so as not to bother her with my mangling of children's pieces. :D

    I had sex with the wife two days ago. I was a bit worried about performance, as I had PMO'd Dec. 31st, but all systems were a go. I do notice a difference in my erections from even three years ago, but can still maintain a boner throughout.

    Tai chi has been great. Like with everything in my life, at first I romanticized how I would be doing this calming practice every morning. I am trying to do it everyday, but I'm not at the level where I look calm or easy in my body. My body is stiff and unyielding and complains about all the sitting I did for decades. But, like with the piano, I don't have to be great at it...just stick at it.

    I see so many news articles about how to stay motivated, how not to procrastinate, how to have fun and I find just the headlines exhausting. Even when we had old-fashioned newspaper articles were recycled. I guess each "reporter" has to have their kick at the can-do. I used to read a lot of self-help books and all they ever did was give me quotable quotes and empty my wallet. Inside ourselves we know what we have to do and what's at stake. My tried and true method is something I've related many times. Move slowly and do mundane tasks. This has given me more than a library of self-help tomes.
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Even musical savants still have to practice every day. As long as you're enjoying it, go for it! Fire up the chopsticks :p
    Fantastic! This is inspiring.
    No need to be great at it. If it's just something you do every day, and enjoy it, do it! It's like breathing; we don't check ourselves all the time and ask, "am I doing this right?"
    Great stuff. Yeah, the "articles" I get on my feed are really losing quality as the years go by. Literally anyone can post something online and try to make it sound like a well-researched piece. But more and more of them sound like they're written by people who, at the very least, need to proof read what they write before posting.
    Have a great day, Saville!
    Saville likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm nailing chopsticks! :D

    Too many kids take university writing courses and learn to overwrite, something I've been guilty of myself. As soon as I start reading something that is over descriptive I look for something else. I can only abide the air being "so crisp, so taut, so engaging, so enervating," before I want to punch a beanie baby right in the face. Some description are nice and necessary, but please move the narrative forward.

    I've been waking up earlier than I did when I went to work, even though I'm often up later, too. However, the quality of my sleep is superior. Taking this a major win!

    My wife heard me practising piano the other day while she traversed the basement to the freezer. She said, "you're getting better. You should play for our friends next time they come over." Of course, she was joking. No one wants to hear a senior playing Twinkle, Twinkle, but I suddenly felt anxiety flow through my body. Now, there's no way I'm ever going to play for anyone. It's a hobby, like building a train set or playing golf. But, it's interesting that the old fears of not being good enough come to the fore even in a non-threatening situation. I assessed my body and my mind. I could feel a part of me wilting. I felt down and anxious. I've worked diligently on myself over the past few years, yet I still have fear of not measuring up.

    I feel fine today and am going to get back to my hobby right after typing this, but I see there is still much work to be done as a older dude.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2023
    Libertad, Rudolf Geyse, Gil79 and 4 others like this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    LOL :D:D
    You should just do that and have a laugh with your audience!

    Or do it online, so that your buddies on YBR can hear ot too :D:D

    I think you should see that anxiety as an old energy that is there and can pop at any occassion, no matter how silly. Just let it come out and continue what you're doing. It has nothing to do with who you are, it is just a visitor coming by and leave.
    Mozenjo, Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Good stuff, Gil. I'm no stranger to anxiety, and yes, if we can just acknowledge it when it's there, realize it's going to pass, and keep moving, things will be fine.
    Saville, once you nail Twinkle Twinkle, you can move on to Mary Had a Little Lamb, and then Beethoven is right around the corner :)
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Totally going to kill a Beethoven concerto in my next life. :D

    So true! I think I'm getting some different feels now that I'm retired. All this time to myself to think and walk around the house has been great, but also has brought up a lot of thoughts about my past behavior. I had a dream about one of the women I cheated with and when I woke up I felt terrible about how I didn't even consider her family. Of course, it's totally on her that she cheated, too. I'm not spending time dwelling on it, just letting the thoughts come and go.

    I'm helping a neighbor do a basement reno. He's also retired and about 10 years older than I am. He doesn't need the space, it's just him and his wife, but I think he wants a project to work on. He said he would pay me, but I gave him a definite "NO' on that. Number one, I don't need the money and number two, I don't want to feel obliged to show up everyday. Basically I'm just helping him put the drywall on and then screwing it in place.

    I had a moment a couple of days, after the wife and I had sex, where I really wanted to pull the pud. I wasn't horny, it was just the obsessive feeling that I needed to all know about that shit. I just kept giving myself tasks to do until the unwanted obsession subsided and then went away. "And this too shall pass."

    Going to a yoga class soon and then I think I'll go to the library, and then for a coffee. It's already a great day. :)
    Boxer17, Gil79, path-forward and 2 others like this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Nice! I'll be a guitar virtuoso in my next life, so we can jam together!
    Sounds great to me :)
    Gil79, path-forward and Saville like this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Looking forward to that! :)

    It's official: I can now sleep in. I haven't slept in for years, not even on weekends. Every morning I would wake up at around 6:30, no matter when I went to bed, or no matter what I had on that day. Over this past week I have been able to sleep in until somewhere between 9-10 am. :) If sleeping is when we heal the most then let the healing begin!
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's been almost a month since I had sex. The wife has laundry, work, games on her phone and she's tired...but never too tired to have coffee with a friend. :rolleyes: However, it's been a productive time for me. I have had moments where I really, really, wanted to cum, but I've managed to translate that into doing interesting thing. I'm pretty sure the wife will put out in a day or so, because I've put it on her to do list. :D

    I ran into a young man the other day, someone I had known from work. Even though we were on the sidewalk, he spoke at length about his problems, how he hated work, and how he and his wife couldn't afford to buy a house in today's economy, and blah blah blah. He was polite enough to ask about my life and definitely didn't dominate the conversation, but I couldn't wait to get away. He wanted to go for coffee, but I told him I was busy. Of course, being retired I have oodles of time to go for coffee, but I don't want to be anyone's therapist, or friend, or an ear, or anything of the sort. Part of me felt selfish, but mostly I just felt relieved to get back to my own musings. Ten years ago I would have felt a desire to "help" him and definitely would've made time for a coffee. But, he's got to figure it out on his own and even the time I spend doing nothing is precious to me. Plus, when I left work I told myself I'd never look back. Paddling my canoe on a different, more interesting, river now.
    path-forward likes this.
  13. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Blowing him off may have been for the best. Or maybe not. Is there a role for you to play in empathizing with a guy like that, and giving him the ass kicking he's asking for?

    I just see your story from the lense of the younger guy who occasionally approaches older brothers for connection. Especially from someone I believe won't bullshit me. Real connection is the opposite of my PMO addiction.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Haha, I will copy that :D:D

    If you don't get positive energy from helping someone out, it isn't good for both of you
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's totally fair. I just didn't wish to get embroiled in his problems. I used to talk to a lot of the younger guys at work, dole out meagre advice, but it was mostly a waste of time. Advice is often just a distraction for someone, a reprieve from the vortex. However, my motives are purely selfish. At the moment, in my new found state of a retiree, I'm only going to do what I want to. I have limited energy at the best of times and so now I'm going to guard that energy like it's my bank savings. An hour with that fellow over coffee might mean I don't practice piano, or Tai Chi, or read; I simply can't afford it.

    Also, as I mentioned, I don't want to associate with anyone from work. I've cut all psychic ties with the place. I'm not a man who once worked at Company X, but a man who is on a new journey. When a disciple said to Jesus that he wanted to "bury my father" before following Him, Jesus said, "Let the dead bury the dead." I love this proclamation. You're either on a new road or you aren't. You're either going to evangelize (for yourself) or you're not. The metaphor is obvious, let all those old ways, that didn't serve you, go. Let the conformists, the indifferent, the powered-down, fuss about this and that, because we've got other plans that don't involve what was.

    I suppose if I met someone who it was evident was on the cusp of change, and might just need a nudge, then a coffee might be the libation that shatters the old gods into shards.
    path-forward, Mozenjo and realness like this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Had sex yesterday. My wife found it amusing that I wrote "Have Sex With Husband" on her to-do list. :cool:
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Put it on her list more often!
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid it was a one-off. I've been angling for sex for the last two days, but so far it's coming up crickets.

    Wow, the forum was down. I guess they forgot to pay their monthly fee. I read about people who scour the internet for domains that have neglected to pay their annual fee. They buy the "expired" domain name and then charge exorbitant fees to sell it back to you. I fucking hate people like that! I hate people who take advantage of others through those kinds of loopholes. It's basically like finding a wallet and then charging the unlucky person a fee to get it back.

    Well, glad to see the forum back up and running. Kudos to the owner for getting it going again.
    Boxer17, path-forward, Gil79 and 2 others like this.
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, if she's not wanting PIV sex, maybe she would let you rub on her? I know you want to stay away from MO. When I was married, I would very often stand behind her and rub against her ass. Any port in a storm :D
    Yeah, I was hoping it would come back. I realized how much I rely on this place for support. But it makes me aware that nothing is forever...
    Libertad and Saville like this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, damn, I would be so down! ha ha
    Libertad and Mozenjo like this.

Share This Page