@Libertad , @Mozenjo , @Gil79 ...thank you, my brothers! I was really close to caving and needed to give myself a verbal cold shower. The "take no prisoners" approach is what has always worked for me. It's not for everyone, but I have to see PMO in black and white terms. It's not just for my dick's sake, either, but for my manhood. As a soon-to-be retiree I don't have the years in front of me to piss away any more time. You're not hijacking my journal. I love the conversation. Lib, what you've done over the past year has been heroic. You went from a seemingly hopeless case to a leader on this forum. It takes about two years to really settle down the mind. At the moment, you are probably fearful of getting into a relationship. Also, you've become used to living as a bachelor and there is a certain comfort in that. However, men and women need to circulate around each other because it makes us feel whole. Even going to the library and smiling at the librarian gives our dick purpose. These small encounters build a base. When I am feeling low I know a walk is the best thing for me. However, when I'm feeling low a walk is the last thing I want to do; I'd rather have a cup of coffee and eat. But, I usually make the effort and force myself out the door. It's not a lot of effort, but enough to give me some momentum. It takes effort and vigilance to stay off of P...you've proven you've got that in spades. It also takes effort to change our habits. I remember watching a baseball game and the commentator said "striking out is the worst possible outcome, because nothing happens and nothing can happen." If the batter makes contact then anything is possible. Allowing ourselves to be more social is "making contact."
Hear, hear, @Libertad , you've encouraged many of us here. I love this! I want every young man in the world to learn this! P turns the good purpose of our own members into hurt and shame, but this was never the intended purpose!
Thanks for posting, @Rudolf Geyse ! I read today an article about how in Medieval times, when they wrote, they didn't talk about their feelings. King Harald of Norway amassed his army, losses were heavy on both sides, King Harald ultimately won. There was a lot of doing and not any inner dialogue. Maybe there was less to think about. With less choices, and life being a struggle for everyday survival, there was, perhaps, more immediacy to life. When I listen to music I want someone to dump their bag. I don't want to feel like they are holding back or, if they are, that underneath there is a lurking power that could explode if they wanted it too. I want lovemaking to be like that too. Not that it always is, of course. Sometimes it's just kind of fine and I wonder if it was worth it. I wonder if saving my seed until I was near to bursting would've been better, so that my animalistic instincts can take over and feel the triumph of cumming. I do like to be tender, as well, but my wife and I are incompatible in that way. She wants to do the deed and then move on to all the "jobs" she has to do. To be fair, I'm also closed off to her that way. A part of me has still not given over to her completely. I'm afraid, I think, of losing myself and of also allowing that vulnerable part of me to just be there. Geez, who's got his inner-dialogue rolling. LMAO Today at the shops I had an encounter with a woman who was about my age. She smiled beautifully at me and I returned her smile in kind, except mine looked more like a the grimace of someone on the rack. If I was reincarnated and could choose one physical thing it would be a smile that illuminates any room. Oh, well, at least I'm bald. Anyway, I enjoyed the encounter. I enjoyed it for what it was. This gave my dick some purpose. Then I told a guy to "fucking watch where he was going" when he ran out in front of my car...that also gave my dick purpose. ha ha Life is an experiment for everyone. So, we must experiment. We must experiment with a sense of wonder and humor. As I've mentioned before, everything is basically funny. We take ourselves so seriously. Where do all these furrowed brows go to when we die? I guess we pass them along to our spawn. Much better to pass down laughter, even if everyone thinks we're a bunch of goofs.
I don't go to work anymore. It's pretty sweet. I got up early today, made a coffee, and just stood at the window looking out into the still dark morning. I felt peaceful. I went to the store and I was surprised how many people were there at 7:30 am. The reason: they were buying things for office parties; I recognized their harried faces. lol Shopping carts were filled with chips, chocolates, cookies, oranges, coffee, etc. Most of them were racing around the store, making sure they weren't going to be late for work. Worried that they might wreck everyone's Christmas spirit if they got things wrong. I started Tai Chi classes, as well as yoga. It makes me feel connected to myself in such a different way. I feel a strength inside, a feeling of coming back home to myself. Lifting weights never gives me that. When I was fat everyone used to tell me to lift weights, and I did sometimes, but looking at my fat ass, and moobs, in the mirror was depressing. When I lost a shit ton of weight I got to look at how wrinkly my face was. When one loses a significant amount of weight quickly at my age it ages you. A fat face smooths out the wrinkles. lol I've come to terms with the new wrinkly puss. I kind of like it. I thought I'd have fucking tits down to my knees when I lost weight, but thankfully my chest, when clothed, looks normal. Anyway, Tai Chi! I think it's the bomb. There are meditation classes after Tai Chi where they use these singing bowls and I'm definitely going to investigate that class, too. Funny enough, I care less about sex now. Age? Could be. My boners are still good, though. Could it be things are finally normalizing? I did have a scare a couple of weeks ago when I had to really reel myself in, but I think that was a demon trying its pathetic best to make me fall. Feck you, you feckin' demon! Hmmm, what to do with the rest of my day? I'm going to take a long walk, practice guitar (just started lessons), go to yoga, and somewhere in there eat some food. Sounds like a pretty decent day.
Yep, pretty decent indeed. Good on you, my friend. I did Tai Chi way back when (in my '2o's, so a million years ago), and loved it. My teacher was a little old man who could probably kick all our asses at once It actually is a martial art, not just the slow dance old farts do in the park, lol. Anyway, I'm hopefully not too far behind you with my retirement, but my fiancee is quite a bit younger than me, so she doesn't want me to quit just yet. I thought you and I were the same age, but I'm still a couple of months away from turning 64, so I guess you're my senior, sir Barely. Enjoy your day the way you want to!
Congratulations sir!! And good on you for preparing for retirement. I never did and will work till I can't. I am currently plowing money into savings maniacally! If I was retired I think it would be great to do some volunteer work. Give a reason to get up in the morning Also congrats on losing the weight and the Tai chi does sound beneficial
Thanks Moz and Boxer! Yeah, a bit volunteering could be in the cards at some point. As to having a reason to get up in the morning I think I'll be OK. I enjoy my own company and I don't put pressure on myself anymore to do stuff. Jobs usually find me. Yesterday I painted my bedroom just because I felt like it. Today I'm going to read, probably watch TV and go for a walk, if the weather clears up. In one's 60's things start to change. Joints ache, wrinkles appear, and the face takes on the hue of an older gentleman. Physically I am not as vital as I once was, even though previously I was a fat slob. I've struggled a bit with getting older. My retirement from the work force is an opportunity to explore what it is to be older. I don't want to chase around trying to be and feel younger - it's not worth it. I had my kick at the can and what did I do with it? Well, I squandered a good part of my youth. I slid into a job because it was easy and got married because it was the path of least resistance. I wasted a lot of time. If time was a garbage dump the time I sent there would be one high mountain. We don't get that time back. PMO is just a fat fucking waste in all its manifestation. MO is also pretty much a waste, too. The dreams, the hopes, the aspirations I had amounted to a hill of beans...but I'm lucky. I'm lucky that I found this place and sorted a few things out. I'm lucky that I seem to have pretty good health and that my brain still wants to learn. I'm lucky that I'm curious about life. I'm fortunate that I no longer bow down to the great matriarchal spirit. Yeah, so that's it, I'm a lucky guy.
Mr Saville. You truly inspire me with your posts. I applaud your desire and ability to dig deep in your search to be at peace with your life. And you are a lucky guy! I’m very happy for you with your approach to retirement. It sounds very healthy and fulfilling. I have read a feeling of gratitude is the most healthy emotion - even greater than love. Tho unconditional love is also an amazingly satisfying feeling. Saville. Don’t give up on continuing to deepen your connection to your wife. Surprisingly, I find watching “chick flicks” with my wife are an easy way to start conversations that have feelings Try watching “The longest Ride” together. Story of a rodeo guy and an art student. Sav. Your resolve, honesty and insights inspire us all!
There are for sure better ways to spend your time indeed, but in the long run all these experiences make you what you are today including all these insights you have and they even determine what gives you meaning in life today. I am happy to see that you are grateful for what you have now and that you keep exploring!
Thank you Moz, path-forward and Gil! I was reading an article yesterday by Arthur C. Brooks, where he writes "enjoyment, not pleasure, creates happiness." Enjoyment, he says "is more permanent, because it is more permanent and conscious." When we PMO we are definitely opting for pleasure over enjoyment. Pleasure fades quickly, but the glow of enjoyment lasts. Lying with a woman, stroking her bottom, as you kiss is enjoyment. Later in the day we can revisit that time and feel good. Masturbating to porn clips gives pleasure, but later one feels down and dissatisfied, or worse.
On New Year's Eve I FMO'd and then shortly after PMO'd. I'd been thinking about P for about a month and even dreamed of one of my go-to porn stars. In the dream she was a prostitute and was being checked by a doctor for VD. The doctor then turned his attention on me and discovered I had a red pimple on the head of my dick. That dream was my brain trying to tell me "don't fucking go there!" Today I'm feeling like myself and have put the beast behind me...I hope. I felt angry for a couple of days, was definitely cranky, and felt depleted of internal strength. Grr!
Mr Saville. First of all NYE can cause its own emotional triggers. But I am not giving you a free pass, as you have so caringly never given me one! But thanks for sharing that - as I sometimes think your role on this forum is a very challenging one - as we all look up to you so much. But you also ofc have your own challenges and foibles. I am very happy to hear you did not have any further chaser affects and have gotten back on the horse so to speak - and are looking forward with conviction to stay clean. You are an inspiration to us all! And I value your candor and directness more than you know! Stay focused and stay vigilant! You got this!
Strange. Was tempted too over NYE. Remembered a few scenes from Porn videos and got hard and felt the temptation. I have had a WD around five weeks ago, the first since a long time, so I don´t believe that there is a natural need to release semen so soon again, even that I have no girl friend at the moment and so no sex. Was thinking about what was different to the days before NYE and made a list in my mind. Did drink alcohol over NYE probably more then I should have. Made an exception to my diet and eat a lot of carbs. Did not meditate for a few days. Slept less hours then usuale. Had a few stressful situations with family members. Maybe you can identify what reasons and triggers you had before the temptation got too much. Wish you a happy new year, Saville.
And, so you shouldn't, my brother. Thank you for your support! I was drinking too and also did some weed, which made me feel rather depressed the next day. I haven't been having sex with the wife because she has a serious back injury and now she has a bad tooth. I thought I'd do a one-off, but the O was terrible and my dick wasn't that hard. I barely felt anything. This lead me to crave a hit of dopamine and now I was also worried about ED. I knew it was all bullshit. I wrote a lot in my paper journal over the past few days and I feel on track again. I guess retiring has given me too much time. Happy New Year, Lib, and to everyone else!
I can imagine that the longer you're clean, the more you go on auto-pilot, and the easier you can get caught off-guard by extraordinary situations/triggers. All that you describe here is maybe such an extraordinary trigger, or cocktail of many triggers together (recently retired, holidays, no sex with wife, alcohol, weed). In the end, nothing has changed for you with this. You just keep going and see this as a reminder to stay vigilant and proactive, and listen to the warning signs, like that dream you had. Did you already get that (and ride that) bike?
Thanks, Gil. Yes, I bought a bike! I've done a bit of riding, but now that snow is on the ground I've got it on a trainer in the basement. I don't think I want to ride in the ice and snow. When spring comes I'm definitely going to do a three or four day ride. I bought panniers and some other gear (spent a lot of money) and I can't wait to use it. Went to tai chi last night and it was great. I'm glad Xmas season is over, because I did too much drinking, something that has always powered me down. I usually only do weed a couple of times a year, but I don't think I'm going to do it anymore. However my brain is set up it is not set up for getting stoned. I enjoy it at the time, but the next day I'm lethargic and have slight brain fog. Appreciate everyone's support and wisdom!
I'm confident you have righted the ship, my friend. I have also decided to keep alcohol to low levels, and will need the SO's help with that, as she has self control issues there as well. As for weed, I haven't done it in probably 25 years or more, and have no desire. I was talking to an old friend the other day who does THC drops occasionally. I got to the point all those years ago where it was not pleasurable at all, and I suspect if I tried it again I'd just re-live the reasons I gave it up. The parallels to PMO are striking. Why do something that provides very short term pleasure and leaves you with regret and brain fog?
Thanks Moz!! When I began my journey here I found it fairly easy. I developed a life that allowed me to have sex once-a-week. When I was tempted to watch P I would just have to think about the real sex I could have in a few days. I was buoyed by the fact that my wife and I began to like each other again. Affection begets affection and soon there was love between us. Over the pasts couple of years the sex has diminished considerably. Getting older can suck. My wife has a list of health issues as long as my arm, but still, is there a compelling reason why she can't still put out weekly? I guess, in part, I've lost my mojo, because I've gotten tired of always having to push the issue. She offers hand jobs willingly, but that is just slightly better than MO. I have conceded to these hand jobs a few times, but this has been problematic. One, I need fantasy to get off, and two, the chemical connection between two people making love is just not there. I know that my wife enjoys sex enough, but it's also a job to her. It's another dish to wash, some laundry to do. "He wants to cum so I better get it over with." As I say, at the beginning of the journey my own energy more than compensated for her lack of desire, but the honeymoon period was too hard to maintain. Even Moses covered up his face so his followers wouldn't see the fading of God's glory. After this last brief foray, my one-off, I have determined I must set a new course. I doubt the once-a-week sex is going to be resurrected and so I must be content with less sex. Like for the men here without partners I have to find a new bodily cycle. I guess that's all I've got. Loving not having to go to work!
You will find your way. Your life has changed a lot. Not having to go to work every day is quite a difference in your cycle, too. When I was here before meeting my fiancee, I had to acknowledge that porn had damaged me greatly, and that, even without a real sexual partner, I had to eliminate it from my life. Just as you have done. Creating this life without as much real sex may be challenging, but if there is someone up to the task, it is you. Can't wait for that to happen for me, but I've got a few more years to go. Enjoy!
