Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.
Great post, Saville. You are a great example of persistence paying off in a big (er, lithe) way!
Feeling good! I read a quote the other day: "What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
“The wish to be well is part of becoming well.” Seneca
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Rumi
" we're stronger in the places that we've been broken" Hemingway
That quote reminds of the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery and ceramics are repaired with gold. The restored piece is much more highly valued than the original.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Bernard Shaw
To me this is a call to action. Finding ourselves is looking inward, creating ourselves is looking outward.
"It means your future hasn't been written yet, no one's has. Your future is whatever you make it, so make it a good one." Doc Emmett Brown, Back To The Future 3
This is a low-brow reference in comparison to the philosophers you quote above, but I like it nonetheless.
As we change, the world changes around us. This has been written and said by countless people, and it's true. This is why the work we do is so important. We.are.important!
Whether we are in a relationship, or not, it can feel confusing as we navigate through the feelings and actions of others, as our brains heal from years of P use. Buttons will be pushed, feelings will be hurt, confusion will abound, anger might mount, but, if we remember that the world changes as we do, we can mitigate these emotions.
The wife and I used to have conversations (fights really) about...uhm, I hardly remember now what they were about. It can summed up by the following: Person A is trying to get person B to understand their point of view and vice versa. Basically, we get stuck on a negative feedback loop, as @Mozenjo recently pointed out. There is, imo, no finding our way through this loop.
During my journey I came to the conclusion that my wife and I would never understand one another. She will never get me and she will always, 100% of the time, say things are that triggering. Sounds like we're incompatible, right? Hmm, I don't know, because it sounds like every other relationship I know about. Couples that stay together basically "deal" with one another's shit, deciding this is better than the alternative.
Once I got free of PMO, and my other ruthless addiction to sexting/cybering, I saw that my wife, the person I had previously seen as a she-devil, was actually a pretty good person. She's loyal, she works hard, she likes to laugh, and she loves me. The fact that she is above my pay-grade in the looks department is also a bonus. Yes, she did undermine me at times and showed a shocking disregard for my sexual needs, but she wasn't alone in this. I was also a participant in the misery that became our marriage. I was dishonest, I was lazy at times, I was rather unmotivated/ambivalent about having a decent career, and I allowed her to rule the roost through my passivity. My world was shit because I was, in part, shit. Not all the time, but enough of the time.
I blamed a number of things. I blamed my parents, because "why not?" lol I blamed my wife, I blamed my in-laws, I blamed my health, and I cruelly blamed myself. It was quite a twist to find out that none of the above were to blame. As the owner of my own life, as someone who now saw that I had authority over my personal domain, I dropped the blame game, the guilt game, and just about every other type of game. I mean, who was I gunna slap?
As we change, the world changes. This is so important. It relieves us from having to confront every wrong, every slight, every miscommunication. Why? Because our mission is so far beyond any of that stuff. As we heal, as we are austerely honest with ourselves, the world shifts more favorably in our direction. It doesn't always feel easy. I don't always know what to do or how to react. I try not to be a psychologist about the things that swirl around me, but rather just do my honest best. What else can we ask of ourselves?
What I know is that the further we get beyond our attraction to PMO, the better our lives become. Healing is an action. Another thing I know is that we only have so much energy and to waste that energy on fighting over straw men will keep us stuck. We use all our energy toward the greater goal of self-actualization. Let the bureaucrats debate this and that, while we move closer to the mountain top.
Onward to the mountaintop. With a few rest stops along the way
I came across a poem today by Rabindranath Tagore. He sums up in one sentence what my above paragraph was trying to say.
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storms, but to add color to my sunset sky
I think one of the stumbleblocks is the feeling that we have been wronged. Now we must defend, must clarify ! Easier to feel this c qay than look at the whole situation with a calm non judgemental mind
my brother as always you're right on target. i have been married 44yrs come next month and i feel your pain or love for the wife. after so many years we don't fight anymore, she just gives me looks. i know what they mean. but like you said looking back on the majority if not all of the fights we had was because i thought or believed she was taking something from me-freedom, making sarcasm of who i was-a drunk/womanizer, not sensitive to her needs-always in a hurry, do it my way, not discussing-i was always right. etc. etc. all the problems-i see now were caused by my fake ego/pride and machismo. i have found when someone gives me a compliment, i just say thanks. instead of trying to deny or negate whatever good i had done-my insecurity. when someone gives me criticism, especially my wife since she knows me better than i know myself, i take that to heart. instead of getting pissed off like i used to. i look and analyze the criticism, if it's true then i work on whatever deficiency is enumerated-usually my sarcasm,condenscending, and arrogant attitude. it it's not true and doesn't fit me, i forget about it and don't fight back. the key here is to be objective and honest with myself. like the great physicist Feynman said the person most easily fooled is ourselves. again i am not saying i am a marytr. just trying to be the person i was meant to be instead of the one i created with my PMO, alcoholism, and my lying. enough of my old man ramblings.
@badger , you've accomplished a lot on your trip this world and there is still so much more to go. I wish, like you, that I'd had a better sense of myself many years ago, but I'm bloody thankful I have a bit of insight now.
The wifey has told me three times in the last three days that she loves me. What a turn around from a few years ago when we were mortal enemies. A positive, honest, attitude can do wonders.
I've lost so much weight now a few people have asked me if I'm "ok." No one I know, not even my wife, has ever seen me skinny before. I'm still not much to look at, but my health is so much better. Food was a huge addiction for me, particularly sweet stuff. My knees are feeling a lot better without all that extra poundage on top of them.
It takes about two years to really get beyond PMO. Positive effects happen all along the journey, though, and that is highly motivating. I remember at the one year mark I realized my memory had come back. I honestly thought I would be getting Alzheimer's as an older codger, but I was in the fog of my addiction.
good for you my brother. brings a smile to my heart to hear of an old warrior like me getting better.
Saville, I am honestly, genuinely happy for you, my friend. Reading this post of yours made me feel all warm inside. Your revelations here and elsewhere give these little grasshoppers (allow me act as if I'm just a newly-hatched 17 years-old that accidentally stumbled upon your thread... ) hope and motivation .
I find there is a really positive vibe in this section of the forum lately. The men here are really working at this addiction and finding positives in their lives. We've got the power!
Many times, I'd come here...see so little movement that I'd mutter to myself: "Depressing..." as I was closing the browser tab.
Three days ago I FMO'd. The wife has been sick and after 20 days of no sex I just felt the need to take care of things. It was a rather meh O. I felt rather low afterwards and thought "that was totally not worth it." The next day, boom, I have the chaser-effect big time. I know the routine. Wank again. The next day I'd want to MO again, but this time it will be harder to use fantasy, so I'll start thinking about using P. Once I've used P I'll have the urge to watch again, and again, and again.
Whether it's escorts, or FMO, or plain MO, it always leads to the same end. So, I told myself to put on my big boy pants and leave my dick the fuck alone. The first day after pulling the pud was horrible, but by the next day I didn't feel any chaser. It's up to us. If we cave it's because we aren't accepting responsibility for our own lives. No one can do this for us.
Thank you for detailing how it plays out. The rationalization, bargaining, attempts to deny the same old sad story...... it's really helpful to have someone validate it.
Well done Saville for staying aware afterwards and not giving in to the urge to watch P. Our thoughts often want to fool us into rationalising and giving in.
i agree my brother. many times i have used this same excuse to PMO. the point for me is i will use any excuse whenever i want to engage in that filth. i rationalize i am not hurting anyone. i am not being unfaithful, it is a victimless vice. but i am wrong on all counts. any affection/sex/attention i place somewhere else is one that i am taking away from my wife. so in that sense i am hurting someone, her and me. the victims are everyone i have contact with. when i pmo, i feel less than. a loser. dirty. filthy. so what i have in my being is what i give to whoever crosses my path that day. another one of my old man ramblings.
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