Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That, my friend, is what makes you special.
    :DWell, we all need some kind of outlet, that's for sure. But better to watch zombie movies than revert to the zombie watching porn would make of you.
    ace1234 and Saville like this.
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    One of her jobs is to spread her legs for you! You're not unreasonable she is if she dosent want to ! you should be considerate BUT NOT overly concerned ! Insist ushe get jiggy,! Age has nothing to do with sex the bullshit the media t ries to feed you is just that bullshit ! As my wife says when I asked her" why would you not want to feel your man inside you youre a woman aren't you nlmstter how old you are it dosent change!"
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
    Saville likes this.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Good luck with this, Saville. Not the easiest circumstances to have urges. In all cases, I hope you can find a solution that satisfies both you and your wife. I also hope the urges pass soon. You’re the man, Saville.
    Saville likes this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @badger @TryGuy65 @Mozenjo @Mad Dog @Bilbo Swaggins ....thanks for support! :)

    An excellent mantra.

    Thank you. It's been a bitch even less forgiving than my wife! :D I'm hoping to reach the not at all fat-stage soon. Can't do much about the stretch marks and wrinkles. o_O true!

    I agree. We don't have to lose our mojo entirely as we age. Once-a-week is not at all unreasonable.

    Each part of our life gives us new challenges. Even in our sixties my wife and I are a work in progress. What drives men and women is so different. I'm not looking for romance, just consistent boinking. :D
    TryGuy65, Mozenjo and Deleted User like this.
  5. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    this one is really good to know. But 1 quistion. How do you implement this new behavoir? I know what you are saying but indon’t know how to implement this?
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, @Babylonier. Well, first off I stopped being afraid of confrontation with my wife. For instance, if I had planned to go to the gym and she all of sudden said we were going out for dinner I wouldn't just drop the workout. She could act like a baby or yell, but I would go work out. Every situation is different, but you know inside yourself what things are worth asserting yourself over. I had a clear idea that I was going to wear the pants. It takes time, of course, because these are muscles we're not used to flexing. In the case of lying, perhaps my wife might ask if I called the insurance agent. Of course, I always hated calling people, so I previously I would have lied. I might have said "Oh, yeah, I called but he wasn't in so I left a message." This is also about me being afraid of confrontation. In my mind, if I said "no, I didn't call him," the wife might interrogate me as to why. It felt unsafe to tell my wife the truth, because the truth might diminish me in her eyes.

    As a child it wasn't safe for me to tell my mom the truth, or at least it felt like it wasn't. She was unpredictable and would withhold her love whenever it suited her. I married a woman very much like my mom. So, my default was to feel guilt about not being "perfect." I already knew, because of my mom, that I could never do anything right. When you feel that you are always failing in a woman's eyes then you seek interventions (lying) in order to protect what little ego is left. You see, the moment we (you and I) got married to our respective spouses, we were set up to fail.

    You want to know what you can do now. First off realize that you are worthy, you don't have to be perfect. Realize that it's not only OK to fail, it can be be a helpful thing. Allow yourself to be fine with making mistakes, or feeling dumb, or lacking skills. It seems crazy to the outside world, but it is our chase of perfection which leads to lying and cheating.

    Going back my scenario where I perhaps didn't call the insurance agent. Now I would simply say "nope, I didn't." I don't explain myself, because I don't have to as a grown man. My wife has to trust that I will do these things. Of course, at the beginning, and probably still now, my wife doesn't trust me. But, that's her problem. She might ask me why I didn't call and I would say "because I didn't." That would probably make her say something like "well, I'll call myself then. I have to do everything!" And, I would say "OK, sounds good." Yes, things can uncomfortable, but that's OK, because I'm learning how to stand up for myself. And, we don't have to be perfect at that, either. Sometimes we are going to get that wrong and that is more than OK. Did you scold your children for falling down while they were learning to walk? Of course not.

    Life is good and we are worthy!
    realness, -Luke-, TryGuy65 and 2 others like this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I feel good! The porn images that lingered around in my pre-frontal cortex have dissipated, like fog being burned away by the sun. Of late I have been writing to men in the 30-39 section and this has reminded me of how important my own life is. After the first couple of heady years without PMO life became a bit of same old, same old. Pecker worked, check. Not watching P, check. Not MO'ing (much), check. Life felt increasingly boring. Without P I reached increasingly for food (always my go-to), booze, and a bit of pot. With no wind behind my sails and without the righteous zeal I first felt at quitting P and getting my boner back, I began to flounder; my life had less meaning.

    I am finding renewed fervor in reading the struggles of the younger males. They remind me of the struggle, the immensity of life, and how importance it is to see the "now" and not have sights drifting off to retirement shit. I could retire today and I have ample money, but that doesn't feel vital, nor important. I think as we age we lose the propulsion to dive into our lives, our problems, and our desires.

    I hope I help people a little and the dividend of that is that it sometimes can really kick me in the ass to reinvest in my present...and future.
  8. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Someone needs to be the wise old man. I hope some of the youngsters look to you for mentorship. From a personal standpoint, I find you here immensely helpful. Someone needs to be around... During one hiatus I had, I came to lurk for a bit, and you hadn't been posting - the fuck it pmo ventured from there...

    Just don't find 'fervor' in too young of males. I don't want to find out you've been hanging around schoolyards:rolleyes:
    Saville likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Even the 30 year olds seem like kids to me now. o_O
  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Saville, You help us loads (not a little) and I for one really appreciate it! All best, Tom
    Saville likes this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Tom!

    I thought I would write out the list of practical things that make my life better. I've done this before and they are buried somewhere within the many pages of my journal. Philosophy and psychology are awesome, but at the end of the day it's our action that define our health.

    - Walking. It is the single most important thing I do for myself.
    - Cold showers. Fucking hate them, but there is something good that transpires, even if that shot of cold is just for a few seconds.
    - Completing chores that I start around the house.
    - Getting my taxes and all other paperwork done on time.
    - Not allowing my mind to get invested in other people's problems, including my wife and kids.
    - Laughing and smiling.
    - Listening to music through a speaker, no headphones.
    - Never wearing headphones when I walk or go to the gym.
    - Reading, especially non-fiction books about travel.
    - Gardening.
    - Writing in the journals of other men on this forum.

    Other good things I've done for myself over the past six months:

    - Giving up gluten, dairy, sugar, and booze
    - going to yoga more and the gym less
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I forgot to mention one of the most important things: move slowly. This really helped me. As soon as I slowed down my movements my brain also slowed down. Sometimes the body can inform the brain. I think of it as slow moving meditation.

    We really load a lot of heavy stuff on our shoulders. As I read through the journals of my fellow wanderers there is so much guilt. Wow, you'd think we lived in a vacuum. We live in a world filled with tons of other imperfect people, all trying to figure things out. Our wives, our daughters, our sons, our parents, our grandparents, our ancestors from a thousand years ago are all part of the equation. And it is an equation that not even Stephen Hawking could unravel. He would've thrown up his one working eye brow and said in his electronic way "fuck if I know." In other words, we can cut ourselves a LOT of slack.

    We are all imperfect, living in far from perfect situations. As we deal with these dynamics we must be gentle with ourselves.
  13. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Reading back reminds me of where I came... But it's good to write it out as we think about it as I believe many newbies never take the time to read our journals... Everyone wants the magic pill that will provide the quick fix... I myself tend to not comment in someone's thread if I haven't taken the time to read the shit they've laid down... Well, a great deal of it anyway. Some folks just ramble:rolleyes:
    Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  14. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    funny you mentioned moving slow. i believe part of my problem is trying to get too many things done too fast. ex. i have something in the microwave while i am feeding my dog, while i am watching the news, while discussing subjects with my wife and son simultaneously. i practice the piano quickly so i can go read, before the time for my movie comes on. etc. since i feel i don't have much time left on this earth and am not 30yrs old anymore i am trying to accomplish everything i believe i "should" have accomplished by now. sometimes i think i wasted all those years drinking and now trying to catch up. as you can guess, everything is done half ass.
    for the past couple of weeks i have slowed down. i have some sort of schedule for the day. i remember to take as long as it takes to do whatever it is i am doing at the time. it is deliberate. it has a purpose. it is conscientious. ex. right now i am brushing my teeth. feel the brush. taste the toothpaste. get every tooth thoroughly. etc. i know whatever i have to do after my teeth will get the same dedication and purpose. seems like i am getting more accomplished with a great deal less stress. whatever i accomplish before God calls me will be enough. especially if is for my family and others. and especially porn-free just my 2 cents worth.
    Saville likes this.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    So true. Many of us would just need to relax and be kind with themselves. So many guys have such high standards, they continuously compare themselves to the most successful people and thus remain unsatisfied with themselves, regardless of what they accomplish. We just need to go back to reality, daily life.

    Just an example: I’ve been doing photography for 15 years, but at first it was just a hobby, and then a sideline. I never dared doing it full time, because I thought I wasn’t good enough, and because in my mind, being a photographer wasn’t stable enough financially, etc. At the age of 31, I went back to school to study a subject I didn’t like (information science) but that would allow me to have a decent job. As I said, I dreamed of being a photographer, but I was too scared, and I idealized it a lot… I finished the first semester, I hated it but had good marks. Then some shit happened in my life, my girlfriend and I cheated on each other, I felt like a complete failure. I started wanting to kill myself. At the beginning of the second semester, I felt completely foreign to what was going on in the classroom. I told myself, well if I’m ready to kill myself, if I’m such a stranger to what’s going on here, why not try to do what I really like instead? If I’m ready to give up on everything, why not just give up on what I hate and get closer to what I like?

    I finally made a website for my photos and videos (that was just at the beginning of the pandemic). I got a few other gigs for pictures and videos, but it wasn’t enough to make a living yet. Then guess what, in October 2020 I finally got a full time job as a videographer and photographer. I like my job, and I’m proud to say "I’m a photographer" when people ask me what I do in life. Most of all, I’ve stopped idealizing photographers. I’m one, now, I know that to be a photographer, you just need to… take pictures. Of course, you should do your best and develop your skills, but in the end, being a photographer is just about taking pictures. Reality is much more simple than we think it is. It’s all the things we tell ourselves in our panicked minds that complicate life.

    That’s right. I should have the same mindset with sex lol… Not there yet, but working on it :D
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Love the list of practical things that make your life better. Can't underestimate the importance of getting taxes and other paperwork done on time. The same goes for household chores. If we don't keep up with these things it can make our lives feel out of control. It feels good to take responsibility.

    Sounds like you're making good progress in other areas too - transforming your lifestyle and becoming a gluten-free, dairy-free, booze-free, sugar-free, cold-shower taking yogi :p

    I see you're not a fan of headphones, any particular reason why? I recently switched over to a wireless set and it feels like a game-changer. In fact, they're so convenient that it now feels like a hassle holding a phone handset to my ear. The sound quality is great too.
    Mozenjo, wintersturme and Saville like this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love this! Yesterday, I was reading about the Irish TV host, Graham Norton. When he was in college he was stabbed and almost died. He said that unconsciously this made him make better decision in life. If he felt nervous about an audition he would say to himself "whatever happens, it's not like getting stabbed!" You took a chance on yourself, @Bilbo Swaggins , and that's impressive.

    Thanks, @forlorn!

    I'm definitely a fan of headphones, but I don't wear them like I used to. I used to listen to music/podcasts when I walk, but now I walk and listen to my internal conversation. lol For myself I want to be tuned into either my inner or outer world. I'm for whatever makes people feel good and plugged into their lives. If headphones make life better than definitely wear them! :) I personally just needed to feel less isolated.
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  18. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    I like music when I'm doing resistance work, or spinning on my bike trainer, but when I'm walking, I too rather just take in my environment... A greater connection with nature, my breath/body, and not tuning out my neighbors as we pass:cool:
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  19. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Yes the list with practical items is indeed a nice help.
    I so recognise the feeling of being out of control with live. I tend to procrastinate and boy that sometimes really makes me so anxious. I started making to do lists in the hope that will somehow will help in getting the feeling of control back. Thanks for the tips.
    Saville likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I did a spinning class once and almost died. I know you spin at home, which sounds like the sensible thing to do. Having some dude yell at me for 50 minutes was almost as hard to endure as the spinning. Perhaps I'll buy a trainer and do it at my own house.

    Yeah, that used to be a huge one for me. I've learned that I'm allowed to take time off, but there's a huge difference between taking a rest and checking out. Thanks for posting, @wintersturme.

    A woman at the gym yesterday wouldn't stop chatting with me. I finally just walked away. I've known her for years, but now that I've lost some weight she seems more chatty. It may have been harmless, but if I get any inkling now of flirting I'm outta there! I'm very good at throwing up a wall now. I always wondered why a guy as painfully average as I am would have women desiring my company. The biggest reason is that I was an easy mark. I would give them the attention they desired. Before I thought it might be because I'm funny and reasonably smart, but that isn't it at all. No, women who will flirt/cheat with a married man do so because they are narcissists. They want attention and they don't care who it's from. I once almost made out with a woman who was uglier than I am. OMG, the memory of it! :eek: She point blank asked me to make out with her and I almost complied. The only thing that stopped me was I was late for a thing my daughter was doing. She was an ugly, fat, married woman, trying to seduce an ugly, fat, married man. But, even if she was the hottest thing on the planet, the motivation is always the same: attention. And, that attention is easily found in a man who has been brought up to be a people pleaser. I'm really so thankful for the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Every page I read I was like "holy shit, that's me."

    Anywho, just rambling on a dreary day. The wife actually asked me for sex yesterday so that was sump'in! :cool:
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