Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I suppose in a round about way I do a bit of mentoring. I do have contact with wide array of ages and I speak in similar terms as I do on here. It is important to forge male friendships, even if they are just of the "getting a coffee once in awhile" type. I have a couple of men that I meet from time to time and I share quite a lot with them. However, I have not opened up about my cheating to them, because I live in a small town and even though I believe they would hold their counsel, one never really knows. I also don't discuss any past/present porn use for similar reasons. I'm sure when I first got caught cheating my wife told a few of her friends, but now that it has all died down I hardly want the whispers to start back up again. So, some things I must be content to live with and only share on these pages.

    I'm afraid I caved in and PMO'd two days straight. I had been doing the old checking out pics and shit and then the predictable happened, which of course I allowed to happen. Having my kids move back in with us due to Covid has put a strain on sexual relations with the wife. She is reticent to bonk during times they might "hear" us. Oh, well, it happened. I have pressed the wife for more action but she is in mother mode. I'm putting this latest episode firmly behind me. If I can't have sex regularly then I'm going to have to learn forbearance. Even when I was three years clean I still was not able to channel my sexual energy into something more creative. This is something I see as critical to my future success.
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  2. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Agreed... not on the younger piece as I am close to Saville's age but I too have seen Saville as a mentor and inspiration! Like others on this forum, I thank you!

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  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    I think as one gets older one gets smarter at least hopefully. Being around the block a few times as it were! I agree, Saville thinks and is not afraid to express his thoughts on whatever the sub ject. It is a shame this society does not see older people as a source of knowledge from having been there.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2021
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Of course I echo the thoughts of those who consider you a mentor. Your words have helped me and many others, and your actions speak just as loudly. You have lived the example of what shaking this addiction is about, and a couple of missteps recently don't change that. If things with the wife have changed the formula a bit, you are someone who can adapt to that change. Hang in there. I am so grateful you're on this forum!
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

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  6. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    just one beggar showing another beggar where to find bread.
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    T'hanks, Badger. So true! Or, one piece of iron sharpening another. :)
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  8. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    have helped me tremendously. thank you.
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  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I agree with what the other guys are saying. During the time you were away from the board many people including me were missing you. But you are also here for you and you should not hold back in sharing your own difficulties as well. So, yeah, it is too bad that you relapsed to porn, but really good that you share here with us what you did and why you did it. Maybe you should just kick the kids out of the house every now and then (don't forget to lock the door:D) so you can have some private time with your wife. Watching porn changes everything in our life. It sucks out all the real satisfaction we can have and we should do anything we can to avoid that. Strength!
    realness and Saville like this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @badger , @Gil79 ...thank you!

    Yes, it really does!

    Honestly, you're right. Obviously the worst part of Covid is getting it, but having your adult kids move back in is a close second. :D Their jobs just stopped when the pandemic hit and they couldn't afford to pay their rent. My wife bitches about them being home, but she loves prancing around like the matriarch. Because my kids are both in their 30's they don't want their mom telling them what to do constantly. So, my home life has become rather stressful, which I believe is why I sought solace in PMO. Of course, it's all very convenient for me to use as an excuse. It definitely has shown me that recovery can be fragile. With my wife assuming the role of house-dictator I lapsed a little toward being subservient to everyone's needs. I did alter the paradigm a couple of days ago when I simply wouldn't take "no" for an answer when I wanted sex. I told my wife it was time to put out! She grumbled, mentioned the kids, told me not to make any noise, and then we went at it. Again, for me, it always works best when I assert my right as a man to have what I want.

    Here is a theory I have come up with as to why recovery can stall, even after 90 days clean. I believe adrenal fatigue is to blame. We all know that watching P wreaks havoc on our dopamine centers, but the adrenals are what help to make dopamine. The medical profession does not believe in adrenal fatigue, but they can fuck themselves. :D There is good evidence now that being in a persistent state of flight/fight burns out the body, as so many other functions rely on the adrenals doing their jobs. There are lots of great websites that give strategies and diet advice to help heal these little guys and I've started on a regimen that I hope will help. We all talk about dopamine and neurons, but what's behind those things and how do they relate to our health?

    We sometimes think that we are weak-willed, lack discipline, etc, but I think a huge part of the answer simply lies in how our physical bodies have been compromised.
  11. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i think you are on to something with the adrenal fatigue. elevated cortisol level all the time. cortisol is the stress hormone, it serves it's purpose when elevated for short period of time-fight or flight. but if it remains elevated-too much fatigue. that constant edging i had talked about before. we are tired/depressed all the time. no energy for normal life matters. walking around like a zombie. i truly believe our diets and exercise are a huge element in our recovery. like you said we need to fuel our bodies. bring them up to prime running condition. clean bodies will aid with clean mind. just part of the whole recovery plan for me. thank you for sharing and helping us keep on the right road.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Another thing to think the adrenal glands sit atop the kidneys. It is impossible to have healthy kidneys with" bad adrenal glands " it dosenf work that way! AD glands also produce the neuro transmitters ! Your mental state, depression, tiredness, lack of mental clarity, foginess and so forth.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2021
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  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Amen !!!! No $ what a- holes !!!!
  14. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Last Sat nite at new club was a blast! Will tell all soon!
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    As I mentioned, I think PMO stresses out the adrenals leading to adrenal fatigue. I believe this is why many men feel exhausted after MO and PMO. Sex with a real person gets other chemicals stimulated and, after all, it is what nature intended for us to do. Eliminating sugar from my diet has been a game-changer. I feel less anxious and when I do feel anxious I just ask myself "what's this all about, then?" My habit before was to consume more sugar when I felt stressed, along with drinking booze. I take a daily regimen of vitamins, as well, and am looking into what adaptogens might further healing of my gut/adrenals. Our boners need healthy adrenals, as well as dopamine centers.

    Ditching dairy and gluten has also paid off. Patches of red, itchy, skin that used to plague me have disappeared. I used to rub on cortisone cream everyday in order to control it. I tried showering less, using different soaps, and made my wife use different laundry detergents. Now it's just gone. They are now saying that the gut is our second brain and I believe it. I'm still kind of fat, but I have no bloating - and, slowly, my fat is disappearing too. :)

    Not long ago I was reading a book by a Tibetan monk, who's name escapes me now. In it he talks about our emotions being like a Japanese mochi (sweet rice cake). If we cut into the mochi it begins to fold back onto itself, the edges start to re-glue, as it were. I thought about that and how perhaps P is like the mochi. We feel filled with determination to eliminate P from our lives, we cut it in two, but it begins to fold back over us, to envelope us once more. Yesterday I felt incredibly horny and knew my wife wasn't available for a bit of bumpy bumpy and thought about rubbing one out. Suddenly I remembered the mochi story. It occurred to me that I am the knife, not the mochi! The image of that diminished immediately any thought of MO. Knowing that I was the knife, that I had the power, eased the tension in my body. It showed to me that I wasn't actually horny, at all, but tense.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This is gold!
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Moz! :)

    Had sex with the wife a couple of days ago and had a great boner. It's noteworthy only because it's the first really great one since my fall. I am back to having excellent morning wood, which for me is always a sign things are going well. April 13th was the last time I looked at P and so, really, it didn't take long to get my mojo back. However, I know if I took one look today I would be back to the half-hard ons. Thankfully I've never returned to the bad old days when I would cum and the dick would almost be limp. Talk about abusing oneself!

    Take away: don't fucking go back to PMO!
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've been struggling with P. I have thought about it continually for weeks now. I know all the interventions, I know how to sidestep the urges. I don't want to think about my old "favorite" clips, but they dog me, like my wife does when I haven't done a chore I said I'd do. I have entered a new phase of my journey. I've identified two things that have suddenly activated the old porn pathways. Firstly, my wife and I are getting older. My wife, who is now 65, has decided that she'd rather give me a hand job than have sex. She has a list of complaints as long as a pornstar penis. "It hurts, I'm dry, I'm too old," etc. Obviously cheating is off the table, been there, done that. I do demand that she put out, but at what point is that unreasonable given her age? Well, I don't think wanting to poke her is unreasonable and I still think it's her job. Anyway, it's a struggle.

    Secondly, I have been dieting for some months now and have lost a considerable amount of weight. For the first time in my adult life I am verging on not being fat. Because I don't eat sugar anymore for a lovely dopamine rush I think my brain is trying to get me to PMO. I'm also off the booze and, like @TryGuy65 , I'm not indulging in the odd toke of mj. Basically I have my walking and zombie movies as stimulation.

    I'm waiting for these fucking urges to pass. Today I'm going to gently insist the wrinkly old bag (my darling wife) get jiggy. Hopefully that will come to pass.

    What else is there in life except fucking, eating, drugs? I guess this is why some men have train sets in their basement.
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  19. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i'm 67 yrs old. roger that.
    Saville likes this.
  20. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Something I thought about this morning while responding in @forlorn's journal... I haven't tried this with porn yet, but think maybe I'm going give it a shot for a few days... When I gave up alcohol, to 'trick' the beast within, I used to give myself permission to drink 'tomorrow' if I choose to. Never today, because today I wasn't going to... No matter what shit life threw at me. My choice for today is not to peek... Tomorrow, who the fuck knows. But I can do today.

    Nice job on health the front. It's no easy effort to change our lifestyles when it come to food/drink and exercise... One benefit of loosing some weight is we get to shop for new clothes when the old stuff starts not fitting so well. I was starting to push the need to buy 36" bottoms after years of working like a bitch just to squeeze into 34's... I'm a 32 now and have been so for some time. But, awhile back they started feeling a little snug:rolleyes:. So I'm back to focusing on diet a bit more. (fucking covid!)

    Like you say, you know how. Hopefully, you can make it through today. Because today is it. And sometimes, the next 15 minutes is it... We can all do 15 minutes...
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