Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Right on the money, Moz:)
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Meanwhile, while P has become accepted by our society as normal, healthy, and fun, virile men are falling like dominoes. It's no wonder we find internet P, because our partners act like cheap men and are all about being "in-charge." We are told countless times a day that we are racist, homophobic, entitled, rapists, and terrible at cleaning the house. "Fuck you, bitch, my dusting is top-notch!" No wonder so many guys want to fuck other guys cause then they can just get laid with out all the bullshit. By the time you ask a dude to fuck, he's got his cock up your ass saying "how high?"

    I read on @Doofus 's journal how we would rather his wife was "into" him, otherwise he'd rather not have sex. I respect your opinion doofus, but I have a different take on it, which is more like Bobo's. Women learn early on that they have the power of the snatch. Gone are the days when men forced themselves on women. The power dynamic has shifted, but like a frog in a pot that is slowly heating up we can't see it. Our wives need to know that sex is important, and makes men more reasonable and successful. Men who are frustrated act out and in our pussified world we find that acting out with PMO or affairs. Our views of love and sex are sentimental, because Hollywood has gotten into our psyche and made us all think that romance is at the heart of isn't.

    My wife IS an extension of my hand, except much better, obviously. Because, unlike with just my hand I get to swap spit with her and feel a real human. Good chemicals come from this interaction, even if the wife is just thinking of the shopping while I stick my bone in. The great thing is that the woman begins enjoying herself, despite her best intentions to keep her man emasculated. Once her clit feels the pork sword her tune changes to a more primal one. I still push my penis against my wife and she still says "all men are the same, all they want is sex." Yeah, well duh! Does she think I want to listen to her prattle on and on about the bargains she got on fitted sheets and how her best friend is going to Mexico for the "3rd time this year!"?In fact, I'm not very interested in what my wife has to say at all. I would rather read, watch TV, or go for a walk than listen to her spout out her ill-informed opinions.

    Folks, this is marriage, like it or not. It's Mars and Venus most of the time. We can basically only handle being in each other's orbit when we're having sex. So long as we have the attitude that we can make a nice equitable partnership then a man will always lose out, and he will lose out big time. The equity is that I don't punch the bitch when she's screaming at me about something that is so insignificant you couldn't find it with an electron microscope.

    P is garbage, but it's not the garbage that keeps us stuck; it is our own inaction that does that. I came across this quote today: Es gibt nichts Gutes außer man tut es. It means: there is nothing good, unless you do it. It's the doing that's important, not the talking.
    Libertad, Mad Dog and Outsider. like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Of course, what I forgot to mention, but I think is implicit in my last post is that we are doing this for ourselves. Waiting for our partner to get on-board sexually/romantically means that we are not attending to what is most important, which is our own inner journey. This is why it is not crude, nor awful, to use your partner as a tool of healing. It's not like we're whipping them, ffs! When we talk about romance, mutual respect, et al, what we're really doing is running to our safe place where we don't have to act.

    There is no right person. We are all the wrong people for each other. In our wrongness we can do some of the right things, some of the time. We were all brought up wrong. Still, some of the right things were instilled in us. When we know we are all wrong then there isn't so much ego attached to a relationship. We are also less afraid to ask for what we want.
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    PMO and fapping is engaging because it releases chemicals that we like. As has been written here countless times: neurons that fire together, wire together. If you watch P to get your rocks off then you are sustaining the wiring you don't want; ditto with the hand. PIV is the only thing that will work. In other words, it's chemistry and physiology in action.

    Also, you know what, giving up P and F doesn't mean all of life's problems go away. You'll feel way better and be better able to handle life, that's for sure, but your anxiety, your feelings of depression, your loneliness and sense of isolation won't just magically disappear. So, distancing ourselves from PMO is just a great start. Then, we must roll up our sleeves and get to work.
    NCBob, Libertad, A New Man and 2 others like this.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Nothing better than start the day with an encouraging post of Saville!
    realness, NCBob, Libertad and 3 others like this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Gil!

    It's interesting how the brain changes when given the chance. We know, it is incontrovertible, that watching P changes our brain. It doesn't just change the neuronal structure in favor of pixelated people, but it also changes how we perceive ourselves. In real terms, we have altered our compassion, our judgment, our enjoyment of things, because these are tied into some of the same neurons.

    Over three years ago I stopped watching P and have never returned it. I'm going to pat myself on the back for that. I've often thought that I could do better and have chastised myself for the odd fap, here and there, but not having watched P is a big deal. Without even trying I am more plugged into my life. Over three years later I am still noticing how much better I feel. I didn't need drugs or therapy (though I'm not discounting them), I just needed to decide that I would no longer do that one habit. It's incredible that eliminating just one thing can have such a profound effect. It's the path less traveled, if you'll let me be cliché about it. The roads seem parallel for awhile, but with each step we are getting further away from the old road. As we go down our new path, it reveals fresh and exciting truths.

    There are struggles, because life is always a struggle. But all of us here are more than up to the task.
    Libertad, NCBob, Mozenjo and 4 others like this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Saville, a big pat on the back from me too. And yes, we DO all have it within us. Compulsions and habits sure do carve deep ruts into our brains, but as you say, healing begins as soon as we stop. The commitment to leave something behind that our lizard brains crave is the essential nugget. Without commitment, it won't happen. Declaring commitment to the brethren here is a powerful thing. So many of us, me included, have declared more than once that we would stop, and kept on "using". But to use another cliché, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. One day at a time. And though it's easy to relapse, with continued commitment, it will work if we really give it a chance to.
    Thanks, man.
    Boxer17, forlorn, NCBob and 1 other person like this.
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad to hear this, Saville:) You deserve a huge pat on the back, as this is no easy thing that you've accomplished!!! Keep on doing it:D
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So, after close to 4 years sober, I crashed and burned for a couple of weeks. It began, as it always does, with the eyes glazing over. I allowed myself to look at p-subs, which lead eventually to PMO. I justified it to myself that it was just vanilla P and that I could get back on track anytime I wanted. All the old symptoms came back. I began to get extremely irritable, thought about P and sex continually, had poor erections, and found it almost impossible to cum. Two weeks of indulgence set me back to point zero.

    I had been allowing myself to MO the odd time with fantasy, which is what started it all in the first place. MO leads to PMO. It is the first drink that leads to 20 more. "Neurons that fire together, wire together!"

    Now that I've been two weeks sober, and feel I am back on track, I have been experiencing what I did the first time I quit. Namely, brain fog, anger, extreme fatigue, dead dick, absolutely no libido, OCD, and a sense of hopelessness. Add in the stress of Covid 19 and it has felt somewhat like a perfect storm.

    The last couple of days I am feeling much better. I feel as though I am emerging from the worst of it, though I know it's going to be some weeks before I feel somewhat "normal."

    I am feeling hopeful today, which is why I am posting. :) I realized yesterday that it was crucial to have compassion for myself, as this is the first step in stepping away from the scourge of PMO. I guess there isn't much else to stay. I feel resolved to move my life away from P again and look forward to posting about my new/old journey.

    Stay safe everyone!
    Libertad, Boxer17, Outsider. and 6 others like this.
  10. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    You didn't kill anybody. You fell off the wagon and got back on. You also got valuable data about what happens to you in a relapse. You're only going to make better decisions this time moving forward. Yeah, it sucks, but thankfully it's over. I appreciate you being honest about your situation. That entry is going to go a lot further than the rah-rah ones.
  11. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Thanks for sharing so honestly, Saville. That takes a lot of courage. I don't think that you have gone back to point zero because you have all that recovery behind you. You also have the tools and self -wisdom that you have cultivated during that time. However, you will have to work hard to stop yourself crashing further into a series of binges. Above all, well done for getting back up again.

    It is frightening that an MO session with fantasy has gradually lead you back to PMO. Do you think its the fantasy that did it in particular, or do you think MO without fantasy is just as bad?

    Best of luck in staying sober :)
    Pete McVries likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's true and...thank you! :)

    What, you didn't like my rah-rah ones? lol ;) It has definitely given me a different perspective. The fact is I think I was sliding off the cliff for over a year. Increasingly I was losing interest in my day to day life. I was watching TV more, doing less work around the house, and generally feeling a certain malaise toward things. The one thing that porn offers is an instant way to get out of the doldrums. So, now more work on myself must be done.

    Thanks, man, I appreciate the support!

    I've never been able to MO without fantasy. And, I was fantasizing about other women while having sex with my wife. It felt like I couldn't keep my boner without imagining being with someone else. MO just shouldn't be in the cards for me.

    On a positive front I had my first morning wood in a long time. Some how, coming here and telling my story freed me a little. I gave up PMO for a long time, but eventually once the "rah-rah" faded I guess I didn't feel much. I tried to maintain my zealotry through positive thinking, which I think was good, but we always eventually come against those things that we have not dealt with.
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  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for sharing @Saville. This is a wake-up call for me not to let my guard down.

    And through this I have added a very useful new word to my English vocabulary: rah-rah :D
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  14. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    I can do a lot more than just educate against whacking it :)
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  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It sucks, but it happens. What matter is how we deal with things like these. It might have been a big bump in the road, but you seem to deal with it fine.
    Saville likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Living and @Gil79 ! I'm very glad of the support. I thought I would never go back, so it shook me to my core to realize how easy it can happen. But, yes, I'm doing well and feel back on track. My energy is better and I feel less irritable and angry.

    One symptom of PMO'ing that came back was soreness in my prostate. I forgot about this issue until I was edging for a couple of hours a day. It seems to be subsiding, thank god.

    At some point during the night, while in a semi-dream state, I was going to MO. Once I realized where I was I immediately stopped.

    Over the past year I had gained quite a bit of weight and hated how I looked. I ate junk food constantly, as well as drank almost every night. I wasn't getting blotto, but two or three glasses of wine adds up. I'm off the junk and booze and am feeling better for it. It's a long road to lose weight, but I've gotta do it.
    Gil79 likes this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, I've had that too. PMO is detrimental in so many ways.

    Eating healthy and not drinking makes such a difference. I live really healthy most of the time now, but a few weeks ago I kind of binged on wine and potatoe chips. I felt bad for a couple of days. It messes with your brain and also lowers the boundaries for other dopamine-increasing activities. . .
    Outsider., nuclpow and Saville like this.
  18. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Hi Unc' Saville!
    I'm so happy to read you and hear from you!
    Thanks a million for your honesty and sincerity, I highly appreciate that.
    Your post motivated me to come out of my silence, so I'm gonna start writing here again.
    It requires big balls to come back here and admit that you came back to PMO after 4 (!!!) years. Utmost respect, sincerely.
    It proves me that one should never take anything for granted, and that one must keep his guard very high, permanently.
    You PMO'ed again, after 4 years, so you do know the process and what to do to get back on the horse, I don't worry at all for you.
    As @Gil79 and others mentioned, things we tend to downplay can have, little by little and with accumulation, a huge impact on our desire to PMO.
    Nb: you don't start from scratch at all, you just learnt more about yourself and how incidental is this addiction. You have such a strong and good mindset that you already stay positive. I’m impressed.
    Keep going on dear Saville. Much love.:)
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    These two items are like crack for me...I simply can't have enough. Oh, wait, or like PMO. :D

    Totally! I'm eating better since the crash and am off booze entirely.

    Thank you, @outsider! So glad to see you here again. :) You, and others, are right, I'm not starting from scratch. It has been a little harder this time around, simply because it is not something new; I know the grind. However, I do feel stronger now since restarting my journal. I've had some mood swings, as I mentioned in Gil's journal, but I know those are to be expected. I'm going to wait a few more days and then ask the wife for sex.
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Saville, it's been awhile. I'm not surprised that your wit and wisdom is alive and well! You were not late to the party 4 years ago, and you never will be. You've been the life of the party all this time, my friend.
    Just re-reading the posts from this last page of yours (going back to September) reminds me that coming back to the YBR well is always worth the effort. You'll be fine. I'm still here because I haven't lost hope that someday I will finally ditch the habit and get a few years under my belt too. Keep posting. We want to hear what you have to say.
    Saville likes this.

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