Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Really great post, Saville. I was always too afraid to make a mistake and look bad and so I made the biggest one to change nothing and my comfort zone with women, work and life in general got smaller and smaller. It really is time to reverse the situation and take the risk of making a few mistakes to growth and learn. Another well earned kick in my lazy and anxious butt. o_O
    Bobo and Saville like this.
  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes changing the comfort zone with women is rough and tough. Did you guys ever wonder why women are attracted to "bad boys?" I will tell you if you dont know --BAD BOYS DONT GIVE A SHIT! All of us have seen when we get pissed how women are more soluticious, more compliant. Not abusive but like Heather says "I want a man with balls, not one where I keep his balls in my purse. A man with balls makes my panties wet makes me want him." When you're a MR NICE GUY this can be really tough the first few times. I have been a semi professional dancer for a long while and since I adopted the " I don't give a shit attitude" when I quit pmo over 1 1/2 tears ago women are like totally attentive. I am not a outstanding member of the male race just regular. I dont think when it comes to personal attraction that even the feminazis want a enoch. Those that do are shall we say "challenged!" Yes, I know but "you have Heather dude!" Yup but I think she knows I dont give a shit, I care but I am not gonna take her shit.
    Last edited: May 12, 2019
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Giving up PMO redefined our marriage. My energy changed and then my outlook on life did too. As more of this new energy began to pervade the house the wife began to look at me differently. It was unconscious on the wife's part. She was just responding to her in-built DNA. I also began to view my wife as a two year old, something I've mentioned before. So, when she was busy trying to get her way it just didn't bother me that much. It was like a short-lived puff of wind that scatter leaves about, but then falls silent. I redefined for myself what being a husband looked like. Before, I believed a husband should be an equal helper. I also believed I had to solve her issues, because, yes, I was infected with nice guy syndrome. It was telling that as soon as she would get angry I would get cleaning. Essentially I was pussified...except I wasn't getting any pussy.o_O

    Setting boundaries, going to counselling, never works, because inherent in all that is enormous criticism. And, unless the other person has had a revolution of spirit they are never going to want the status-quo to change. Giving up PMO allowed the paradigm to shift and then change happened in the relationship organically. The key to much of this change, though, was making sure the wife knew that we were going to have sex once-a-week. I bugged her relentlessly. A couple of times she even yelled at me telling me that I was abusing her. She literally freaked out. Why? Because, she was terrified of losing her power base. I had my hands on her all the time, because I intuited that this was the way. It was clumsy and made me vulnerable to her verbal attacks, but it worked. Again, as I've mentioned here many times, action is key. If we don't act upon our desires then nothing ever changes. My wife might have freaked out about me pawing her, but at least the narrative was shifting; we weren't hashing over the same shit anymore. My wife now reaches out to touch me. Turns out we both actually like hugging, holding, and pawing. ha ha

    There are so many single women out there. If we put ourselves in their spaces we will find someone to connect with. I like big butts and I can not lie... LOL :D


    You're so right. I just lost a very close friend, he died in an auto accident. I'm sure he didn't think that day, as he left for work, that he wouldn't have any more time left. I'm still sad about his death, but it also activated more desire to really live my life and not just let time go by.

    Exactly. We care deeply for our partner, but we aren't handing them our balls and putting on a dress.

    I'm doing well. Giving up booze has really been a game changer. It was another big shift in my relationship with myself. Alcohol just hides our self from our self. I haven't lost any weight for about a month, but I haven't gained any, either. I've been reading a ton, which helps to keep my mind active and curious.

    Hope everyone is having a cool day!:cool:
  4. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you to be here @Saville :)
    Saville likes this.
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Hmm-- now that might be an interesting sexual situation. I asked Heather once ( tongue in cheek) something like that and she made the puke sign in mouth and started to crack up ! " What the fuck! Your so crazy !" Yup that's why you loves me! Wanna fuck toots ?":D:eek::D:D
    Last edited: May 14, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  6. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Uncle @Saville where are you???
    Hope you're doing well my friend. Looking forward to seeing you back here very soon
    -Luke- and Saville like this.
  7. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I've been reading your journal and I came across your description of the type of p you once used. The homosexual one.

    I was wondering if it had any effect on your mental health at the time? Did it raise any question concerning your sexuality?

    I'm asking this because I had a period in my early twenties when I was obsessing over that particular question. I could not lift it up the first time I tried to have sex (obviously now because I was hooked on p) and it all went downhill from there. At one time I believed I was in the closet and in denial of the situation, because I could not get turned on by a real girl. Have I been watching homosexual p at the time it would have destroyed me.

    Obviously, I'm younger than you so maybe that is a silly question.

    I know, my question is a bit intense for a first encounter! lol
    nuclpow likes this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey @Bobo and @Outsider. thanks for posting and looking in on me! :) I'm doing well, but needed a break. I also went on holiday and I never check the forum while I'm away. Wife and I are getting along well and my libido is excellent...a little too excellent as I've been fantasizing about the neighbors wife. o_O The other day she gave me a long hug, too long, and I could feel the sparks. So, I am now keeping my distance. Before I would have been figuring out ways to fuck her and she would've been prime jack-off material, but that was a different person. I also defriended another woman on facebook, as she began to message me regularly. Giving up PMO means being austere in all aspects of one's life.

    @NewHorizon , thanks for stopping by! :) My go-to P was not gay. I always started with vanilla stuff, but after years looking at "regular" P it didn't do it for me the same way. I had difficult staying hard and cumming so I ventured further afield. This is how insidious P is. It takes our healthy desire for intimacy (sex) and twists it into something ugly. Anyway, to answer your question, no, it didn't make me wonder about my sexuality. However, if I'd been younger I have no doubt it would have. Again, this is how awful P is for a person's psyche. The only way to find out for sure how you feel about your sexuality is to stop using P. I had all kinds of unhealthy thoughts when I was PMO'ing every day. Now that I've been away from it for over three years my appetites are "normal."

    The worse thing about using P is that it robs us of energy and direction. I wasted decades fapping away my motivation. The question isn't whether we're straight or gay. The question is: what kind of life do we want to lead? Once you give up P for a time (probably 120 days) you will begin to see wonderful new vistas where you want to go. Despite all the crap we are deluged with every day, all the negativity in life, and all the stressors, the world is still intensely beautiful. It takes a bit of courage to reach out for it, but just a little bit. We can all decide this very day to do things differently.
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Even though I'm not 30 yet, I am getting a lot of wisdom nuggets from this region of the forum!

    A lot of wise words to live by!!!
  10. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    LOL @ this situation with the neighbours wife. Yes, keeping your distance would be a good idea. You're a whole house apart :)

    Good to have you back on the forum, hope you enjoyed the holiday.
    Boxer17, Saville and Bobo like this.
  11. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I think that says it all. Its the bottom line! There is no more to say that is as powerful and sensible.
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  12. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thank you for answering my question! It answers it extensively.

    I'm happy to read the threads of people older than me because it gives a lot of insight that I could not come up with alone. This is why this forum is so great.

    I totally agree that p robs us from energy and direction. I always "subconsciously" thought I was just a lazy person and even boring, as it was a fact of my life. Now I'm wondering what if it's because my reward system is all ****** up? The truth is I was not that way when I was a kid.
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  13. Universal

    Universal Member Staff Member

    Hey man,

    I used to read the 40+ topic awhile ago when everyone was posting on 40new30's journal (he seems to have disappeared?). I distinctly remember your username also, new account but same name so you may have seen me around the forum when people like gameover, hogus and fugu were posting.

    Anyway, hope all is well. I'm going to be reading through your journal.
    Saville likes this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @Universal, thanks for stopping by!

    Life is generally good. I am over 3 and 1/2 years PMO free. This would not be remarkable except that I'm continuing to feel changes. My brain is more clear and I simply enjoy life more. Of course, being that I'm just over 60 now I also have times where I think about the wasted years, but I don't allow myself to dwell on that. There are significant changes over the first year and half, but these changes keep on coming. In other words, the journey is worth it. It isn't easy, but should it be? It's like hiking the West Coast Trail (something I've never done). One starts off with energy and purpose, but after a couple of days when the feet, shoulders, and back get sore, it's hard to see why it seemed like something desirable to do in the first place. But, we know that the completing the trek is an accomplishment and so we go on, placing one foot after the other.

    This summer I have noticed that I enjoy music more. I actually hear it differently. When I began journaling I remember wondering if I would ever feel real joy again. I had what some here have termed: anhedonia, which means an inability to feel pleasure. It's taken over 3 years, but I'm starting to feel pleasure in a number of areas of my life.

    40new30 wrote about using adaptogens as a way of restarting certain dopamine pathways. I think he was/is on the right path. It is hard to say if PMO beat us down or if it was a lack of something we physically needed. PMO definitely keeps us stuck, keeps us down, and disallows us from discovering what supplement might make our lives worth living. Personally, I believe my thyroid to be low, even though my doctor said "it's just fine." But, if it's just fine because it's on some scale, but is at the lower end of that scale, then is it really "fine." A junker car might get you to the mall, but for a long road trip it'd likely break down.

    Giving up PMO, as many have said, is just the beginning. There are mountain passes to climb, but there are also long stretches of boring flat lands. These flat lands are the most challenging part of it all, I think.

    I guess what giving up PMO does for one is it gives us a little bit of grit inside. It makes us uncomfortable enough that we seek other changes. We might not be enjoying the long stretches of nothing, but we push through because this bit of grit has given us some stamina. I don't know if this grit ever becomes a pearl, but it does help push us to find a life that has value.
    A New Man, Universal, Mozenjo and 3 others like this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Good to have you back, Saville, and congratulations on 3.5 years PMO free!!!

    It sounds like you've discovered that life is a journey, and not a destination. PMO keeps us stuck in destination mode.

    Keep up your most excellent efforts:)
    Saville likes this.
  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes, but personally I am thankful for the sensibility I have now. I could easily be back where I was desperate and hopeless. I am over 59 now and I agree with you I am over 2 years without pmo and Iam still changing sometimes slowly and almost unrecognizable but changing still. My mind seems to be clearer and more concise. My sexuality is worlds apart from where it was. I now enjoy things that before would have seemed unimportant and trivial. Yes, I am thankful.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2019
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  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Thyroid: You can get a saliva test from various companies on the internet. You spit in it and send to them( follow directions). Dont listen to Drs. you want your thyroid to be like add low and high range it shows in test then half. If your lower than half your low and you can see symptoms. Like you said about car and mall and trip. Admittidely I dislike drs. but here you go.
    Saville likes this.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Right on the money, Moz:)
    Saville likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Meanwhile, while P has become accepted by our society as normal, healthy, and fun, virile men are falling like dominoes. It's no wonder we find internet P, because our partners act like cheap men and are all about being "in-charge." We are told countless times a day that we are racist, homophobic, entitled, rapists, and terrible at cleaning the house. "Fuck you, bitch, my dusting is top-notch!" No wonder so many guys want to fuck other guys cause then they can just get laid with out all the bullshit. By the time you ask a dude to fuck, he's got his cock up your ass saying "how high?"

    I read on @Doofus 's journal how we would rather his wife was "into" him, otherwise he'd rather not have sex. I respect your opinion doofus, but I have a different take on it, which is more like Bobo's. Women learn early on that they have the power of the snatch. Gone are the days when men forced themselves on women. The power dynamic has shifted, but like a frog in a pot that is slowly heating up we can't see it. Our wives need to know that sex is important, and makes men more reasonable and successful. Men who are frustrated act out and in our pussified world we find that acting out with PMO or affairs. Our views of love and sex are sentimental, because Hollywood has gotten into our psyche and made us all think that romance is at the heart of isn't.

    My wife IS an extension of my hand, except much better, obviously. Because, unlike with just my hand I get to swap spit with her and feel a real human. Good chemicals come from this interaction, even if the wife is just thinking of the shopping while I stick my bone in. The great thing is that the woman begins enjoying herself, despite her best intentions to keep her man emasculated. Once her clit feels the pork sword her tune changes to a more primal one. I still push my penis against my wife and she still says "all men are the same, all they want is sex." Yeah, well duh! Does she think I want to listen to her prattle on and on about the bargains she got on fitted sheets and how her best friend is going to Mexico for the "3rd time this year!"?In fact, I'm not very interested in what my wife has to say at all. I would rather read, watch TV, or go for a walk than listen to her spout out her ill-informed opinions.

    Folks, this is marriage, like it or not. It's Mars and Venus most of the time. We can basically only handle being in each other's orbit when we're having sex. So long as we have the attitude that we can make a nice equitable partnership then a man will always lose out, and he will lose out big time. The equity is that I don't punch the bitch when she's screaming at me about something that is so insignificant you couldn't find it with an electron microscope.

    P is garbage, but it's not the garbage that keeps us stuck; it is our own inaction that does that. I came across this quote today: Es gibt nichts Gutes außer man tut es. It means: there is nothing good, unless you do it. It's the doing that's important, not the talking.
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