Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yup, your health is directly connected to your psyche. The Doctor----- hmmmm---you have to be sick. You're NOT--- you're new action of exercise, diet, mental toughness means you're body needs to find a new way to deal with things. You always feel worse before you feel better y our body is detoxing, if not physical things then mental things. Trust your inner self--- it never but never , did I mention never ?--- lies to you! A little doggy pumping? Yeehaw!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
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  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I did that last nite with Heather. Hmm--- you say was grinding back! Saville do you think---hmm!:eek::p:D:D
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Haha. No, the wifey isn't going to offer her bottom to me. We've never done it and we won't be starting now. I'm just glad that she's playful as we advance into our golden years. Heather is from a much different era than my wife. She definitely likes it doggy-style, though. :D

    Yesterday I changed my bedroom around. I mentioned to doofus to move his bed to a different location and see if that might help his sleep. I decided to take my own advice and did a wholesale change of the room. I like it! It feels like a new space.

    Humans aren't meant to be constantly over stimulated. We are to have our moments, but to constantly chase the dragon is ruinous to our brains. When we PMO we over tax the dopamine centers and of course that leads to a lack of feeling in general. Yeah, I know this has been said before, but it's worth keeping it in mind. We need our quiet times, our dull times, because this is when our brain works best. Our thermostat is more in tune to the environment, to our emotions, when we keep stimulation in check. I like to call it subtle satisfaction. Being content with daily tasks and small pleasures, like taking a walk or changing the furniture around. Being content with the banal is not the same as being bored. Boredom is a restlessness about our condition. It's a state that leads us to acting out and desiring stimulation. Whereas, accepting the simple pleasures of just being allows an ease in our life. We may put a full days work in, but it will be measured, with a sense of proportion.

    PMO/MO/sexting/dating apps/P-subs/booze/drugs/ all destroy our dopamine centers, which means they destroy our ability to have a decent life. I guess it comes down to how much we want to feel in our lives. Do we want the subtle satisfactions of the world, where we feel a peace in our heart, or do we want a quick high that fades and leaves our heart defeated? We have a choice.
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is SO true. My body is detoxing. And, trusting one's inner-self is just following the truth we were born with. Thanks, Bobo! :)
     
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  5. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    There's my new creed... the creed of St Saville of the Interwebs. Amen.
     
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support Lowdo!

    Last night I MO'd for the first time in ages. I wasn't even horny. :oops: I seriously thought about looking at P-subs to help me get off, which is ridiculous given how much time I've been away from all that shit. I rationalized "it's just a bit of watching girls kiss." Yikes, the old slippery slope beckoning me. I had an awful O and had the usual feelings of fuck-my-life afterward. I am very close to being 3 years clean. WTF?!

    Booze was really my go-to for the longest while after giving up P. Without booze, and now junk food, I feel tempted more than I have in ages. This just goes to show how emotionally stunted I still am. I'm not beating myself, but the reality is I'm a bit of a dry drunk regarding PMO. I've been doing many of the right things, thinking good thoughts, but there's something in me that still feels I'm owed something. I'm still not taking responsibility for all aspects of my life, which is probably why sex now with the wife is not that great. So, a nice little wake up call.

    Speaking of sex with the wife, she's been a right little bitch about it, lately. "Why do we have to do it so often (once a week), I'm too old, you're so demanding." What a cunt! She will even complain as she's taking her clothes off. It's a wonder I can maintain a boner at all with her goddamned whining. You see, she has her own demon; the one that tells her to return to the status-quo of a years ago. It's ridiculous, because that status-quo was me cheating and beating off to PMO twice a day. But, this is how the demon works its evil. My wife liked my powered-down status, because then she was always in-charge. She had me by my balls. And, once I got caught cheating well she was able to have a completely emasculated little bitch scurrying around, doing anything for her, to make up for my misdeeds.

    So, I gave up booze, gave up eating junk, and suddenly my wife starts acting up, as well. Perfect storm! Phew, writing this out really clarifies everything. I forgot that my wife is a two year old. She has the emotional IQ of a peanut, which is probably an offense to the lowly nut. I allowed her to start taking charge again because I forgot that I am responsible for every single thing that happens in my life. No one needs to give me anything. I don't need my kids to do well, I don't need my wife to be happy or giving, and I don't need my work to be less toxic. I control me and that's it!

    I listen to Gaur Gopal telling a parable. He's a wise man, even though I don't care for his delivery. He uses his hands in a way that I find distracting. On to the parable! A man goes up to his boss and says "I'm quitting, because this is a toxic work place. People gossip about others, cut their colleagues down, and back stab them without a thought. (I'm paraphrasing, btw) The boss says "OK. But, how about before you quit you do one thing for me. Fill up a glass with water, all the way to the brim, and then walk around the entire office with it, making sure you don't spill a drop! If, after that exercise, you still want to quit then that's fine." So, the guy, who thinks the exercise is fucking stupid, does as his boss asks him. As he's walking he concentrates very hard. He notes the water trying to spill over the edge, but he walks at just the right speed and holds the glass at just the perfect plane, so as not to spill even one drop. He returns to his boss "I filled up the glass, walked all around our large office, and I didn't spill a drop. I'm going to quit now." The boss says "while you were walking, did you hear any gossip?" "No," the man says. "As you were walking, did you hear anyone talking about you, and notice people acting poorly toward you?" No," the man says "I was too busy making sure the water didn't spill." The boss says "you know why? YOU were focussed on the glass. You made sure you didn't tip the glass over and have the water spill. When we focus on our own priorities we don't have the time to see all the drama around us, the mistakes of others, the gossip, negativity, etc."

    What has all the drama to do with us when we are concentrating on our own priorities? We aren't our kids lives, our children's, our girl friend's, our work colleagues', our relatives', etc. The glass of water is really all we have. Focus on that and we have no time for the muck and mire. :)
     
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  7. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Saville, you are the legend.
    You are disappointed in yourself, you can make out some shapes that could share the criticism take some heat off you. Then you dust yourself down and say I must get back to growing up.
    Awesome, I do hope you can resume where you left off.
    There is stuff in your post I have to take away and process all I can do is admire your spirit.

    Soar Well
     
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  8. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey Saville - this is so similar to what I went through - I was nearly 2 years clean. You're right though - focus on yourself and your own stuff, and don't let other's attitudes drive you to anger. Anger is such a dangerous thing to carry around and it screwed me right up.

    Will be praying that you have a better day! Keep trucking...
     
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  9. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    So Saville you are human after all! We aren't out of the woods no matter what the "addict" leads us to believe. Yes, it is our journey no one else's. Ole friend we abused ourselves for years and now we criticize ourselves because we can't correct it in your case in 3 years! Wife---- complaining because your'e correct--- wants it her own way like before. Dosen't matter--- you get your rocks off ----thats all--- dosen't matter what she thinks or emotionally feels! You are you and that is what matters. She was glad you cheated, took the onus off her and then she had the added benefit that she could make you feel like shit while you played "Mr. Nice Guy." You have really come far from where you were. Move on Saville "FUCK THESE PEOPLE !" WE JUST keep moving on to the place of sensibility and not guilt or shame! That craps over! Rock on bro'!:)
     
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  10. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Saville,

    What you say is correct. The parable about the water is pretty great. Like you, I've seen myself gravitate to new things to fill the PMO. Junk food and sugar is a go to at the moment. It's bad for my diabetic ass, so it really serves that familiar shame demon. Back to the parable, this is something in group that I witnessed and got me through a month or two, taking control of myself. I witnessed a fellow group member incredulously and quickly answer the queries from the psychiatrist in my group. I thought he was amazing. When I get in the hot seat, I wonder what "the right answer is." I take time to try to impress and get that outside validation. I realized that other fellow wasn't doing that. I took inspiration from him. I was kicking ass. Then, I relapsed. It's exhausting trying to make new pathways in your brain. I know the addictions therapist I sometimes see calls it "ego fatigue."

    Anyway, I know the feeling of being under the thumb of the spouse. I too cheated. A story I have yet to share in my journal. I've been trying to be in control of myself, trying to find my own self worth without relying on others, as you said. However, I think I'm going to spend a couple weeks working on forgiveness. I'm still punishing myself for the affair and for PMO. I need to spend some time forgiving my past before I can really focus on self-worth. This is my plan today, anyway. Thanks for sharing. Thanks a lot.
     
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Grey Heron, thank you!

    Lowdo, thank's man!

    Yep, so true! Thank you!

    I agree that forgiveness of one's self is so important. I've done pretty well in that regard, but I have times where I think about my past misdeeds and feel shitty. Thanks for the support!

    All the replies really lifted me up, yesterday. I'm so appreciative of you men.

    I'm feeling good, today! :)
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    About a year ago I tried getting off of my reflux meds. For three months I did my best, but the burning river coursing up my esophagus was just too hard to deal with. For the last week I've been taking half the usual dose and so far I'm coping OK. From the reading I've done it seems the reason for reflux is not that the LES valve just loosens, but is actually gas build up in the small intestine due to an over proliferation of bacteria. Gas has to go one way or the other. The gas forces the valve open and up splashes the acid. Sugar, and other types of foods, feed this bacterial overgrowth. Basically one has to eliminate the catalyst (carbs and things) in order to get the bacteria to die off. The diet is a stark and dismal one. I still haven't wrapped my head around it yet, but I don't want to be on these fucking PPI's anymore. My doctor thought I was nuts for going off the meds a year ago, but then he would, wouldn't he? Take a pill, forget about the underlying issue.

    I guess it's kind of like PMO and fantasy. They are a symptom of a much bigger issue. We deal or face the consequences, which in the case of P is a crappy powered-down life.

    Concentrating on my own glass of water today. :)
     
  13. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Agreed about the medication and P being similar. Some meds are necessary, so I'm not saying all medication of course. I really like your comparison. I wish I could get my spouse to understand that. She thinks it's about her. She uses my PMO to make herself feel bad about her appearance and body. On the good days, I can remember I'm not responsible for her emotions and feel empathy because none of us are perfect. However, it gets difficult to stay positive when she's constantly asking if I want to stay with her. That makes me feel like garbage. Again, she's just hurting. I cannot fault her for that.

    I guess this comparison you've made is a good reminder that PMO is a condition, not necessarily something to be cured. Like relationships, this is something we will continue to work on. There's no magic pill. This is something I've been trying to teach myself about depression and anxiety as well. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. No day I'm going to look back and say, "I'm cured." There's only the light I carry with me in each and every moment. Accepting reality instead of once again dreaming of another life.
     
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  14. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member


    Hmmm---- Reflux! I want to suggest a book to you. Its called: ALKALIZE OR DIE! BY (Dr.Baroody.) Yes he's direct ! See if you think it will help you, I think it will. It's a reasonably small book, not expensive and I think you may find it very interesting. It addresses your problem exactly! Additionally, I think there is much information that will make you think very hard.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019
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  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You and I are on the same wave length. I had often heard that we, as people, should live in the moment, but it meant nothing to me. "Yeah, yeah, live in the moment...why can't I be single, leading the life I want to live and banging other women?" Addicts have little sense of responsibility. Yes, we take care of the kids and do the basic minimum around the house, but we never truly engage. PMO leaves us in a limbo land. The dopamine receptors just want to have their fix and "won't everyone just fuck off!" I'm often in the moment now. I realize that all I have is moments.

    I'll check it out. :)

    My weight is slowly going down still. Man giving up booze has been amazing. I had a dream last night where I was telling people how great I feel after not drinking for three months. A little affirmation from the dream world. lol It hasn't bee three months yet, but it will be soon. :)

    Lots of awful things still happening the world. I don't pay attention, or rather, when I hear about awful shit I purposely turn the other away. I don't listen to people going on and on about it on the radio and don't read about it. I know it's awful, already! I'm familiar with the concept of misery and dying and...how does that help me? How does it help me help anyone? Does it make me more compassionate? No! It just makes me feel powered down, which is exactly how the machine likes to operate.

    Machine: "Check out this really bad shit that happened. Don't bury your head in the sand, man. We have to all be aware so that we don't repeat the same awful things over and over. Why do people do what they do?...we need to get to the bottom of this, go on a march, sign a petition."

    Me: "But, but, but, I'm feeling good concentrating on myself."

    Machine: "Naw, man, that's fake. You are disengaged from the world when you do that. You have to think about others all the time, because that's what makes you a good person, a caring person."

    Me: (Fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap...fap!)

    The real struggle is keeping all the garbage at bay. How can we stay in the moment if we are being inundated by an onslaught of misery? Misery begets misery. Our job is to find contentment in the small pleasures. When we feel good this actually has a great and lasting impact on others, which in turn makes the world better. Going for a hike through the woods makes the world a better place. Holding a door open for someone while smiling, even when they don't say thank you, makes the world great.

    And, now I'm going to increase my dopamine by having a wonderful hot shower, followed by a fucking cold one! :D
     
  16. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    ahahahahaha! Well put!
     
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  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville, I think you hit the nail right on the head with that post! BINGO! Should be posted in every church, town hall and all places of public gathering. I also do not read papers or will not participate in worldly affairs. Misery loves company they say well like you I know it two well. What ever time I have left on this earth I am not going to engage in that. Again, a wonderfully true post--- HURRAH BRO!
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Bobo!

    Wife was doing her diminishing trick this morning. By that I mean attempting to diminish me. Her father was very much that way. He loved putting people down and was never contrite afterward. My wife generally apologizes later, but it's fucking tiresome. No, that did not lead me to cheating (I did that) but it definitely didn't put the brakes on it. I told my wife that I would handle a certain situation, which involved calling someone. She freaked out when I said I hadn't done it yet. Then, she brought up something from the past that I "hadn't" done. Classic, right? What she didn't know, and doesn't want to know, is that after a lot of thought I'd decided I would see that guy in person. It's really a small thing, but it's these small things that push buttons and around which relationships are based. My wife would rather be pissed-off, and feel right, rather than to be kind. She seldom goes for the kindness card. I just smiled at her. She's two years old and that's how she handles her emotions. I will meet with this guy and let her fume about it. Basically, her fuming is her form of fapping. She's addicted to behaving in a childish way.

    I was thinking about how the forum is quieter than before. I think that's good in some ways. Let the other guys run off to other forums where they can tell their stories all over again. The people here are solid and are quietly making better lives. It doesn't need to be a busy club, just a neighborhood joint where a few locals drop by for a beer. Loud noises and lots of people don't make things better, in fact, they probably make it worse. I'm grateful for the guys who drop by and share their wisdom. :)
     
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  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member


    This is a very " ballsey" subject! My personal feeling is that there are some members here that aren't as concerned with getting well as they are telling their story and getting reportage over and over while they complain. When they are called to do something here they move on. That's fine, I agree with Saville. There are solid members imho who care and who really want to get better and use this forum to do that. The others--- well you know what each of us has to do what we feel and if they feel they need to tell it again somewhere else--- so be it. You need to do something to get better. Maybe I should start to use deodorant again so we can have more members!:eek::D
     
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  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I know that I have not been posting as much lately. It is great that there are stalwart members who post and respond to other folks. Thanks to these quiet, tireless warriors! Inspirations!!
     
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