Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Perfectly said, Libertad. I love the image of a coconut floating in the ocean. We have no home, no land where we might go and grow. Time for us little coconuts to make paddles and row for shore! :)
    Libertad likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I was reading @forlorn's recent post and found it inspiring. This is the great thing about the forum: inspiration can come from anyone, at any time. We don't have to be two years clean. We can be zero days and our voice is still important. I know I harp about this all the time, but posting on the journals of others is SO vital to recovery. From a strictly selfish point of view it is awesome, but also, if others are helping you then should you not extend yourself to others? Why should we be there for those who just post on their own journal? Postings don't have to be epic, just a note of support. As we extend ourselves to others then we are doubly blessed. If we only post on our own journal then we are staying isolated even on the internet. A one sided conversation is boring and limited. It also makes the forum considerably more vital, because then we have many points of view.

    Here's an example of those who just post for on their own journal. "Poor me. I suck. I see that I need to do better and not suck. I realize certain things about myself and that's that I'm sad and suck." Well, duh, Sherlock, you ain't going to get better with that kind of thinking.

    Yeah, sometimes we feel we don't have anything to say and that's OK, but the only way to truly move ourselves toward the light is to open our hearts to others. There's a time to be quiet, but there's also a time to talk...just like the bible might say. ;)

    I'm not holding myself up as some sort of paragon of virtue here, just noting what has worked for many, many, others. The original dude who created the forum, TheUnderdog, said the same as I'm saying, many times. He also wrote an incredible post that all should read and then re-read.
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    What a Perfect analogy! Reading and commenting on others journals, Yes how true, how succient, how neccessary--- the need to open oneself up--- one if the things wrong with our pasts-- participate --- face the danger of non- approval-- don't be safe don't do the usual-- put our neck out there !
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Exactly. Take a chance! It's just us and a bunch of other coconuts. :D I'll just keep using that analogy for everything now. heh heh

    I've said a few things on here that were provocative and perhaps the above post rankles. I write these things because I need to hear them myself. I'm the ultimate procrastinator, the talker instead of doer, the say one thing then do another, person. During the Fall I had zero energy to invest in this forum. I would read it from time to time, but felt weary of all things P related. When I came back I discovered that posting actually gave me energy. It pulled me out of the doldrums.

    Four or five days ago I really thought about wanking to P. It was just out of the blue. It seemed reasonable to me to pull up a tube site, which after almost three years is crazy. I even imagined how I would write about my fall here on YBR. This is how powerful that fucking negative demon voice is in our head. It is why even the very small effort of writing in our journals daily and on the journals of others is so important. Even a bit of energy in a positive way defeats the demon. It's a one-trick pony. It makes us feel horny, except we really aren't horny, not for real sex. TheUnderdog writes about this in the link I provided above.

    My physiotherapist noted that I looked skinnier...less fat. lol He's an ultra-fit bastard and young to boot. Anyway, it was nice to have the weight-loss noted. I'm going for my knees, which basically hurt when I do anything. I read yesterday that for every pound of fat on one's body that it equates to five pounds of pressure on the knee. So, at a conservative estimate I have over 200lbs of extra pressure on my knees. Fuck! I will tell you, that is incentive to keep going with the diet.

    Last night I said to my wife "I'm going to have a glass of wine tonight." I really felt like having a nice, bold, red. But, once I looked at the bottles I didn't feel like it at all. The entire process of opening up the bottle, letting it air, and then pouring it in a glass didn't interest me. I had a herbal tea instead, which was delicious.
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes sir, exactly to the center of the situation. I agree wholeheartedly, I do the same and I find it helps me to organize my thoughts. 200 lbs of pressure on the knees. Yes saville--- another thought--- think how much pressure on the lower back ? If I may: Its not a diet it's a lifestyle! I also have written some harsh words. Seems to me some are more interested in cure, in getting to the root of the problem than covering the bases of the problem. I have my "bad" days but I will be dammed if I will let them determine and identify me! Pmo is a symptom of a twisted life. A life in chaos, a life not able to identify the positive from the negative. Speaking for myself I will win -I will prevail. Who will join me ?
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah, for sure! For the first time I'm actually not looking at it as a way to get back to eating junk. I used to lose 20lbs just so I could then have a big binge. I would go to Mc'D's, drink a ton, and buy my favorite chocolate. I'm actually losing weight slowly now, which is different from every other time. Instead of starving myself, I'm just eating better. I'm looking at losing a pound or pound and a half a week. I'm walking more and, when I can, forcing myself onto the exercise bike. :mad:

    I'm also doing the cold showers. It's just amazing what even a short shot of cold will do for the psyche. Many small positive things add up over time. I had a bit of a health worry. I went to the doctor and he ordered a battery of tests. I went home and realized I was falling into the same old trap as I always do. I felt defeated. I was waiting on the doctors to tell me I was OK. I gave myself a talking to and decided I was fine. Yes, something was going on inside my body, but down deep I knew it was just the natural ebb and flow of health. It is not coincidental that it coincided with my deciding to give up booze and junk food. I started pumping vitamin C, exercising more, and shouting out affirmations. I'm now feeling better than ever! Attitude is so important. No, it won't heal your broken leg, but it'll help you get off the crutches faster. I'm not going for those test, btw. I know I'm not ill. The health anxiety came because the addict wanted me to feel sorry for myself so I would start fapping, eating, and drinking.

    My wife was dusting this morning. She was bent over and so I started mock pumping her ass. ha ha :D At first she was pissed and then she started grinding into me. Life can be fun when viewed through the right lenses.
    Libertad likes this.
  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yup, your health is directly connected to your psyche. The Doctor----- hmmmm---you have to be sick. You're NOT--- you're new action of exercise, diet, mental toughness means you're body needs to find a new way to deal with things. You always feel worse before you feel better y our body is detoxing, if not physical things then mental things. Trust your inner self--- it never but never , did I mention never ?--- lies to you! A little doggy pumping? Yeehaw!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D
    Saville likes this.
  8. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I did that last nite with Heather. Hmm--- you say was grinding back! Saville do you think---hmm!:eek::p:D:D
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Haha. No, the wifey isn't going to offer her bottom to me. We've never done it and we won't be starting now. I'm just glad that she's playful as we advance into our golden years. Heather is from a much different era than my wife. She definitely likes it doggy-style, though. :D

    Yesterday I changed my bedroom around. I mentioned to doofus to move his bed to a different location and see if that might help his sleep. I decided to take my own advice and did a wholesale change of the room. I like it! It feels like a new space.

    Humans aren't meant to be constantly over stimulated. We are to have our moments, but to constantly chase the dragon is ruinous to our brains. When we PMO we over tax the dopamine centers and of course that leads to a lack of feeling in general. Yeah, I know this has been said before, but it's worth keeping it in mind. We need our quiet times, our dull times, because this is when our brain works best. Our thermostat is more in tune to the environment, to our emotions, when we keep stimulation in check. I like to call it subtle satisfaction. Being content with daily tasks and small pleasures, like taking a walk or changing the furniture around. Being content with the banal is not the same as being bored. Boredom is a restlessness about our condition. It's a state that leads us to acting out and desiring stimulation. Whereas, accepting the simple pleasures of just being allows an ease in our life. We may put a full days work in, but it will be measured, with a sense of proportion.

    PMO/MO/sexting/dating apps/P-subs/booze/drugs/ all destroy our dopamine centers, which means they destroy our ability to have a decent life. I guess it comes down to how much we want to feel in our lives. Do we want the subtle satisfactions of the world, where we feel a peace in our heart, or do we want a quick high that fades and leaves our heart defeated? We have a choice.
    titan_transcendence and Bobo like this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is SO true. My body is detoxing. And, trusting one's inner-self is just following the truth we were born with. Thanks, Bobo! :)
    Bobo likes this.
  11. Lowdo

    Lowdo Active Member

    There's my new creed... the creed of St Saville of the Interwebs. Amen.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support Lowdo!

    Last night I MO'd for the first time in ages. I wasn't even horny. :oops: I seriously thought about looking at P-subs to help me get off, which is ridiculous given how much time I've been away from all that shit. I rationalized "it's just a bit of watching girls kiss." Yikes, the old slippery slope beckoning me. I had an awful O and had the usual feelings of fuck-my-life afterward. I am very close to being 3 years clean. WTF?!

    Booze was really my go-to for the longest while after giving up P. Without booze, and now junk food, I feel tempted more than I have in ages. This just goes to show how emotionally stunted I still am. I'm not beating myself, but the reality is I'm a bit of a dry drunk regarding PMO. I've been doing many of the right things, thinking good thoughts, but there's something in me that still feels I'm owed something. I'm still not taking responsibility for all aspects of my life, which is probably why sex now with the wife is not that great. So, a nice little wake up call.

    Speaking of sex with the wife, she's been a right little bitch about it, lately. "Why do we have to do it so often (once a week), I'm too old, you're so demanding." What a cunt! She will even complain as she's taking her clothes off. It's a wonder I can maintain a boner at all with her goddamned whining. You see, she has her own demon; the one that tells her to return to the status-quo of a years ago. It's ridiculous, because that status-quo was me cheating and beating off to PMO twice a day. But, this is how the demon works its evil. My wife liked my powered-down status, because then she was always in-charge. She had me by my balls. And, once I got caught cheating well she was able to have a completely emasculated little bitch scurrying around, doing anything for her, to make up for my misdeeds.

    So, I gave up booze, gave up eating junk, and suddenly my wife starts acting up, as well. Perfect storm! Phew, writing this out really clarifies everything. I forgot that my wife is a two year old. She has the emotional IQ of a peanut, which is probably an offense to the lowly nut. I allowed her to start taking charge again because I forgot that I am responsible for every single thing that happens in my life. No one needs to give me anything. I don't need my kids to do well, I don't need my wife to be happy or giving, and I don't need my work to be less toxic. I control me and that's it!

    I listen to Gaur Gopal telling a parable. He's a wise man, even though I don't care for his delivery. He uses his hands in a way that I find distracting. On to the parable! A man goes up to his boss and says "I'm quitting, because this is a toxic work place. People gossip about others, cut their colleagues down, and back stab them without a thought. (I'm paraphrasing, btw) The boss says "OK. But, how about before you quit you do one thing for me. Fill up a glass with water, all the way to the brim, and then walk around the entire office with it, making sure you don't spill a drop! If, after that exercise, you still want to quit then that's fine." So, the guy, who thinks the exercise is fucking stupid, does as his boss asks him. As he's walking he concentrates very hard. He notes the water trying to spill over the edge, but he walks at just the right speed and holds the glass at just the perfect plane, so as not to spill even one drop. He returns to his boss "I filled up the glass, walked all around our large office, and I didn't spill a drop. I'm going to quit now." The boss says "while you were walking, did you hear any gossip?" "No," the man says. "As you were walking, did you hear anyone talking about you, and notice people acting poorly toward you?" No," the man says "I was too busy making sure the water didn't spill." The boss says "you know why? YOU were focussed on the glass. You made sure you didn't tip the glass over and have the water spill. When we focus on our own priorities we don't have the time to see all the drama around us, the mistakes of others, the gossip, negativity, etc."

    What has all the drama to do with us when we are concentrating on our own priorities? We aren't our kids lives, our children's, our girl friend's, our work colleagues', our relatives', etc. The glass of water is really all we have. Focus on that and we have no time for the muck and mire. :)
    Libertad likes this.
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Saville, you are the legend.
    You are disappointed in yourself, you can make out some shapes that could share the criticism take some heat off you. Then you dust yourself down and say I must get back to growing up.
    Awesome, I do hope you can resume where you left off.
    There is stuff in your post I have to take away and process all I can do is admire your spirit.

    Soar Well
    Saville likes this.
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Active Member

    Hey Saville - this is so similar to what I went through - I was nearly 2 years clean. You're right though - focus on yourself and your own stuff, and don't let other's attitudes drive you to anger. Anger is such a dangerous thing to carry around and it screwed me right up.

    Will be praying that you have a better day! Keep trucking...
    Saville and Libertad like this.
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    So Saville you are human after all! We aren't out of the woods no matter what the "addict" leads us to believe. Yes, it is our journey no one else's. Ole friend we abused ourselves for years and now we criticize ourselves because we can't correct it in your case in 3 years! Wife---- complaining because your'e correct--- wants it her own way like before. Dosen't matter--- you get your rocks off ----thats all--- dosen't matter what she thinks or emotionally feels! You are you and that is what matters. She was glad you cheated, took the onus off her and then she had the added benefit that she could make you feel like shit while you played "Mr. Nice Guy." You have really come far from where you were. Move on Saville "FUCK THESE PEOPLE !" WE JUST keep moving on to the place of sensibility and not guilt or shame! That craps over! Rock on bro'!:)
    Saville likes this.
  16. Saville,

    What you say is correct. The parable about the water is pretty great. Like you, I've seen myself gravitate to new things to fill the PMO. Junk food and sugar is a go to at the moment. It's bad for my diabetic ass, so it really serves that familiar shame demon. Back to the parable, this is something in group that I witnessed and got me through a month or two, taking control of myself. I witnessed a fellow group member incredulously and quickly answer the queries from the psychiatrist in my group. I thought he was amazing. When I get in the hot seat, I wonder what "the right answer is." I take time to try to impress and get that outside validation. I realized that other fellow wasn't doing that. I took inspiration from him. I was kicking ass. Then, I relapsed. It's exhausting trying to make new pathways in your brain. I know the addictions therapist I sometimes see calls it "ego fatigue."

    Anyway, I know the feeling of being under the thumb of the spouse. I too cheated. A story I have yet to share in my journal. I've been trying to be in control of myself, trying to find my own self worth without relying on others, as you said. However, I think I'm going to spend a couple weeks working on forgiveness. I'm still punishing myself for the affair and for PMO. I need to spend some time forgiving my past before I can really focus on self-worth. This is my plan today, anyway. Thanks for sharing. Thanks a lot.
    Saville likes this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Grey Heron, thank you!

    Lowdo, thank's man!

    Yep, so true! Thank you!

    I agree that forgiveness of one's self is so important. I've done pretty well in that regard, but I have times where I think about my past misdeeds and feel shitty. Thanks for the support!

    All the replies really lifted me up, yesterday. I'm so appreciative of you men.

    I'm feeling good, today! :)
    Lowdo likes this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    About a year ago I tried getting off of my reflux meds. For three months I did my best, but the burning river coursing up my esophagus was just too hard to deal with. For the last week I've been taking half the usual dose and so far I'm coping OK. From the reading I've done it seems the reason for reflux is not that the LES valve just loosens, but is actually gas build up in the small intestine due to an over proliferation of bacteria. Gas has to go one way or the other. The gas forces the valve open and up splashes the acid. Sugar, and other types of foods, feed this bacterial overgrowth. Basically one has to eliminate the catalyst (carbs and things) in order to get the bacteria to die off. The diet is a stark and dismal one. I still haven't wrapped my head around it yet, but I don't want to be on these fucking PPI's anymore. My doctor thought I was nuts for going off the meds a year ago, but then he would, wouldn't he? Take a pill, forget about the underlying issue.

    I guess it's kind of like PMO and fantasy. They are a symptom of a much bigger issue. We deal or face the consequences, which in the case of P is a crappy powered-down life.

    Concentrating on my own glass of water today. :)
  19. Agreed about the medication and P being similar. Some meds are necessary, so I'm not saying all medication of course. I really like your comparison. I wish I could get my spouse to understand that. She thinks it's about her. She uses my PMO to make herself feel bad about her appearance and body. On the good days, I can remember I'm not responsible for her emotions and feel empathy because none of us are perfect. However, it gets difficult to stay positive when she's constantly asking if I want to stay with her. That makes me feel like garbage. Again, she's just hurting. I cannot fault her for that.

    I guess this comparison you've made is a good reminder that PMO is a condition, not necessarily something to be cured. Like relationships, this is something we will continue to work on. There's no magic pill. This is something I've been trying to teach myself about depression and anxiety as well. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. No day I'm going to look back and say, "I'm cured." There's only the light I carry with me in each and every moment. Accepting reality instead of once again dreaming of another life.
    Saville likes this.
  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Hmmm---- Reflux! I want to suggest a book to you. Its called: ALKALIZE OR DIE! BY (Dr.Baroody.) Yes he's direct ! See if you think it will help you, I think it will. It's a reasonably small book, not expensive and I think you may find it very interesting. It addresses your problem exactly! Additionally, I think there is much information that will make you think very hard.
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2019
    Saville likes this.

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