Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    More active boards would be nice but as it is well so be it. For me the ability to Express is of paramount importance. If someone responds that's great and it makes me rethink. If not I Created it and gave it life. Writing in a journal forces you to organize your thoughts.
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Doofus, NCBob, and Bobo, thanks for the replies! You guys are de bomb!

    I'm feeling decent. My sleeping pattern has changed since giving up the booze. I go to bed earlier and hence rise earlier. I am not missing it, nor craving it. Giving up PMO was so much more difficult, as I constantly thought about it. I still think about P, but thankfully it has lessened over the years. Some days I think "I could totally look." But, that's the addict talking, the little demon who wants me to fall back down into the slop. Giving up PMO made me drink and eat more. Dopamine wants what it wants, yoh! o_O

    I'm losing a bit of weight off my fat arse. Yay! :cool: I purposely have not weighed myself, because the scale can really make a person feel down. I've cut my calories and I'll just wait until I see actual physical signs of any weight-loss. At present I'm about 50lbs overweight...not healthy. My fat tends to gather right underneath my chin, which makes me look jolly, but it's a look I hate. I basically look like a version of Peter Griffin. :oops: Sexy, right? :p

    I guess there's another company jumping on the "emasculate" men bandwagon, that being Gillette. Of course, like the Pride Parades (something I have no problem with) the #metoo movement has been corporatized. It's rather pathetic, as they pluck the easy fruit, going for rhetoric instead of substance. The world we live in, I reckon. One person on my facebook feed said: Great commercial, although would've been better if there were gay and trans-men in there. See, there is no end to how bitter, how cynical, how ridiculous the feminazis are. Basically some very unhappy people, with too much time on their hands, are vomiting all over social media. These same women think that it's a woman choice if she wants to do P, one of the most exploitive things out there...a bunch of fucktards! Aaaaand, that's all I've got. :)
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Another day, another breakfast without eating chocolate or cookies. :D Yesterday I woke up quite early and thought that I would need my bed by around 10 pm. But, without booze and carbs hauling me down, I actually had good energy for most of the day. When I stopped drinking my thought was just to give the liver a rest. I'm sure I've done some damage down there, but that thought was never enough for me to say: "right, time to live a better life without alcohol." Basically I was giving my liver a break so I could get back to getting hosed again later on. It's sort of like a pre-diet before Xmas, knowing you are then going to binge. However, after two weeks of sobriety I'm thinking differently. Do I even need booze in my life?

    Before finding this place I couldn't imagine a day without PMO. It's amazing how our outlook changes once we embrace a lifestyle that we already know is healthier. :rolleyes:

    Wow, it's a great day to alive, eh? :cool:
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We had people over at our house last night. Much alcohol flowed, but I had seltzer water and tea. I didn't want to be social, especially since I wouldn't be drinking. But, I found my social mojo and enjoyed the evening. Wow, I don't need booze to chat with people and enjoy myself in a social setting. :) I feel a lot differently when I wake up in the morning, too. I feel more hope, less a sense of "let's get on with the same old, same old."

    Also, wife and I had sex yesterday and my boner was fantastic! :cool: My boners over the last six months had been reliable, but not as firm as I would've like. So, another positive of forsaking the booze. It's not just the booze, it's the attitude that goes along with it, or rather, the lack of even having attitude. I'd become bored with myself (probably why I stopped posting) so sex was kind of boring too. So, big triumph and inspiration for me, yesterday.

    Something I discovered early with my journey here, which helped immensely was going slow. I've written about this a lot, but, for those who are disinclined to root through my journal, here it is again. When I move slowly I find that it slows down my mind. It was astonishing to realize that even when I was feeling listless and bored my mind was often still racing. By racing I don't mean it was working on some problem, fueled by inspiration. No, it was more that my mind is always chewing over the same old shit, the same tired mantras, the same fantasies. Moving slowly as I went throughout my day allowed my brain to slow down. I sort of forgot that over the last few months.

    If I'm having a shower I turn the knobs slowly, I wash myself slowly. If I'm raking leaves I do it slowly. If I need another bag to put the leaves in I walk to my garage slowly, purposefully; it's what I term walking meditation. I'm sure that's not my own term, I may have read it somewhere, but that's what I'm doing. Going slow has been critical to my success.

    Wishing everyone a happy, and slow, Saturday. :)
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That's great to hear, Saville:) So many people use alcohol as a crutch, and never realize that it was a crutch they didn't need. There's real life in them bones:D

    That's exactly it, Saville. Folks often confuse intensity with intimacy. There's nothing quite like being in the moment. Keep up the great work!
    Saville likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, NCBob!

    I have nothing planned for this Sunday. Wife wants us to clean in the basement: not happening! :D She's one of these people who must be busy all the time. If someone is just sitting down it drives her crazy.

    Had people over again last night and I did not drink. Woot! :cool: About once a year I smoke a little weed, so I've got that in the back of mind to do. I know some young people that would sell me a joint if I asked. ha ha I have no idea where I'd get it, otherwise. Last year a friend of my daughter's gave me a joint when I saw him at a wedding. I smoked it and had the best time. Pot doesn't get a hold of me the way booze does...or P. :oops:

    I've never really belonged to a message board before, so I have nothing to equate this on to, but it does seem like they are becoming less in vogue. Maybe even typing in a box is too much effort for people now. Two and a half years ago I was even having fights on this board. :eek::p:D Oh, well, I have no idea why people aren't finding there way here. I know that P is as huge an issue as it's ever been.

    It takes real effort to get, and to stay clean. Life is effort. If we want food we must obtain it and cook it. If we want health we must exercise. If we want to have a reasonable standard of life then we must work, etc.

    I'm beginning to really embrace the attitude that I definitely will fuck up. In spite of all my efforts I will make mistakes. The other day I put my foot in my mouth at work. It was embarrassing, but so what? Everyone on this planet has said something stupid. Last week I didn't see a pedestrian on the sidewalk while driving and so didn't stop for him to cross. There was no danger for said pedestrian, and in truth, he may not have had the walk signal, but still, I wasn't as attentive as I ought to have been. So what?! What driver can say they've never done something like that? I rolled down my window and said to the guy "hey, bro', sorry bout that." He yelled at me something that I didn't catch. I smiled at him, anyway, and he just shook his head. Not long ago we were visiting a friend in hospital and we were playing some music that our friend always liked. The nurse came in and said it was too loud, that it was too much stimulation. Everyone felt really badly and were apologizing left, right, and center. But, I said "hey, we're all here because we love him. We're don't have to be perfect. We were too loud and the nurse told us biggie." We really make the biggest deals out of nothing. Most of the men here are hammered by all these little things, things that happen to everyone all the time. We don't have to be perfect. Wow, what a release it is to know that. :)

    Message to the people who are reading here but not posting: POST. :) We want to hear your voices. We all learn so much from each other. Fill your journals full of all kinds of things. Not just your struggles, but your triumphs. Not just relevant things, but also irrelevant things, like when you clipped your toe nails and one went in your wife's eyes. :D

    Getting rid of P in your life is just the beginning. There is so much more work to be done and when it is done without fear of failing, indeed, when we can rejoice in those failings, then we are really getting somewhere.

  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I had a dream last night where my wife was chiding me to "not ruin her fun." She was with an old friend and we were all going to some kind of musical event. I got angry and told I wasn't going to go and I certainly wasn't going to be treated in a such a rude way by her. She tried half-heartedly to convince to go, but I felt I had to stand up to her. There was a lot more to the dream, but it was clear I was standing up to the matriarchal spirit. That may sound wacky and wrong, especially in today's times when we must all obey the feminist call, but since coming to this site it is an ever present thought of mine.

    We are born through a woman's loins and this connection to the mother can not be discounted. The matriarchal spirit is devastating to both men and women. We try to grow up, to become self-actualized, but the matriarch wants to continually pull us back, to keep us close to her vagina so that she is always in control. We watch P because this is obedience to the siren call of the great mother. Women enter into P and prostitution for the same reason. These are extreme positions, I know, but there are billions who hover not far them. We live in a rape culture, we are told, which makes both men and women feel afraid. Fear is at the root of the matriarch, because it is there how control is gained. This is why breaking free of P is so hard and then when we do it we find other distractions and addictions to take its place. So long as we are numbing ourselves with something or other then we are in the grips of the Great Mom.

    I'm feeling decent. Yesterday I went to the liquor with the wifey as she wanted to buy some wine. I always have loved the liquor store, because I love booze. In past years I've spent $400 a month on alcohol. Fuck, that's a lot of money! Partly that's because I have expensive taste, but still, that's nuts!

    Hope everyone has an awesome day! :)
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling quite different. My mind feels clearer now. Hmm, sounds like a song from JC Superstar. I've given up PMO and booze and have turned into Judas. :eek:

    Yeah, so there's more clarity of thought. There's a real surge in us when we give up something that we know is holding us back. I know from past experience that this surge is not self-sustaining, but it's a great place to start. With the sudden burst of energy of feeling righteous :cool: it's a great time to see how we might lift ourselves a little higher on a permanent basis. We only need one idea to start a revolution. If we stop wanking to P for a few weeks, bam, we feel good. A great place to start.

    When I gave up PMO I told myself that it wasn't forever and that definitely I would still MO. I didn't know I had the capacity to just give it up. Well, I did and I do. I've struggled with MO to fantasy, as I've mentioned, but for over a year I didn't MO and didn't miss it. I think what I learned this fall is that we are always looking for a replacement to PMO. It's like going on a diet, you look to see what you can stuff your face with that isn't unhealthy, but please God not celery and carrot sticks! o_O The fact is if we have good food then we don't need anything else. But, we are addicted to having our cake and eating it.

    So, I gave up booze for January, but now I'm wondering if I need it at all in my life. I think I can live it without. In @Doofus 's journal I spoke about psychic ties and alcohol is one of those things that hearkens back to a time when my life was a train wreck. How much longer do I think I'm going to live? I live as though I'm going to live forever, which is how most procrastinators think. Nope, I'm closer to death than I've ever been and so it's a good time to ditch whatever clouds my mind and defeats my body. Double chin, watch out, because you may be in danger! :D
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
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  9. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    a few thoughts on some of your posts above:

    Letting yourself make mistakes - I struggle with this too and tend to hold myself responsible for all mistakes (even if they are not mine). Yet it is a steep learning curve to just relax and and be gentle with yourself. Mistakes are not generally the end of the world. They can be great teachers. Even a relapse into PMO can teach you something.
    Saville likes this.
  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Interesting idea and I might add TRUE! I still struggle with fantasy. Sometimes. are worse than others. Fantasy is a sure sign of boredom but in my case it tries to be an old friend but it's not. Heather's hot little ass suits me fine and I try to stay in the moment. Heather says that she stays completely sexually satisfied. So do I believe that---- yes why not--☆if I dont I then I am saying I believe the crap the feminazis puke up AND I DO NOT ! Do U look for a replacement for pmo yup--- ItS called pussy "punani " or piv.:D:D
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
    Saville likes this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yep, you've boiled it down. Mistakes are NEVER the end of the world...unless you have "the button" at your disposal. :eek:

    I remember as far back as elementary school never putting up my hand for fear of looking stupid. If I didn't understand something I would never ask for help, because the risk of being ridiculed was too great. If the teacher was accusing someone of something in class I would always turn red, even though I was not the perpetrator. My default was to feel guilty. I'll bet most men here have felt the same way. Right from our formative years we were developing coping strategies because of our feelings of inadequacy. This meant that we would meet women (and marry them) that were entirely wrong for us. We would marry the bully who would enable us to stay stuck. We in turn would enable them in an opposite manner.

    The best replacement of all! :)
    Libertad likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Went out to someone's house last night, it was an reception of sorts. I drank water and didn't partake of any munchies, which consisted of brownies, cookies, stale peanuts, etc. The company was kind of stale, as well. One thing I've noticed by not drinking (OMG, not another realization :rolleyes:) is that people I thought were good company/interesting actually aren't. When I'm not being the life of the party, aka the fool, I don't have much to say to others. Booze always broke down barriers for me so I could converse easily. What I didn't realize what that these convos were not worth having. Most people are just plain boring. Or, to put it another way, my own boorishness prevented me from seeing the vapidity of others. o_O:D

    I told everyone I was giving up booze for Jan. and with Feb. fast approaching I do feel some anxiety. I know it's ridiculous, but some part of me feel obliged to take a drink on Feb. 1st. Like PMO, booze has contributed nothing positive in my life. I think even my love of Scotch is partly fantasy. If you have to acquire a taste for something, perhaps that taste isn't worth having in the first place. I never had to acquire a taste for peaches, for instance.

    I've got the MO under control now, too. The wife and I are going to hump today, she promised, and no doubt a couple of hours afterward I'll feel the call of the wank. But, not going to go there, not listening to the addict, who has lead me to over eat, to over drink, to PMO, to cheat, to overthink, to watch too much TV.

    Sainthood, here I come. :cool:
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  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    What you've accomplished, I think, is a strengthening of your will. This is huge. You've successfully battled PMO, booze, your relationship with your wife. You're doing great, no matter if you have a scotch, or, even, a peach schnapps :), next Friday or not.

    I have to believe, and, you and others here are inspirational examples, that the stronger our will gets, the stronger it gets - so to speak.
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Jack London wrote that, right? Maybe it's the wolf in us that causes us to be such dogs :D
    Great post, Saville. I admire you for shining a light on all of the things you feel need work on. Last time I had a bit o' scotch, I had the same realization: why am I doing this? Odds are I'll wake up with a headache, and my morning may be ruined because I thought this great tasting stuff :eek: would somehow make me feel better.
    Soldier on, Saint Saville!
    Saville likes this.
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Heather at house today with Jamie. Very nice----- I asked Miss H if she wanted to talk about pregnancy today ? She said" can I say no ?" Yes of course. Ok so she doesn't know that I know one of the guys that was at house made a play for her. Was a small party he was drunk. LIQUOR HAS CAUSED MORE PROBLEMS.He grabbed her by the boob she wriggled away and read him the act. She never told me -- Heather was upset but kept it to herself. Didn't want me to be upset- I think- well he's a friend of a friend so I really don't care about him. Heather gets this all the time so I don't want to upset her. Whispered in her ear "I want to lick you !" She just grinned and gasped ! Why am I talking about this ? How does this affect me -- that's what I learned here the hard way--- well it does---if she wants to so be it--- I cant stop it --- I only have so much control over it. One of the reasons we get along so well is that she knows she has total control over what she does NOT ME cause it's not about me" punani " is nice but if not so be it--- more "punani "out there. My growth here has been very educating---at times painful for sure but very educating.
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2019
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  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @Doofus @Mozenjo and @Bobo thanks for posting my bro's! :)

    So true. Climbing the stairs when we're out of shape can be painful, but it's the only way to get in better shape.

    Pounded the wife yesterday, as forecast. Well, maybe not pounded, but pumped her good. :) My erection was stronger than the last time and my sensitivity much higher. When I was MO'ing in the fall I was losing the sensitivity and the erections were much softer; sometimes I wasn't sure if I was even still hard. Yesterday it was a full on tumescent stiffy! :D I'm 60 and don't need the blue pill. I don't think I'm unique in this regard, at least not among dudes who do not use P and M to fulfill their sexual needs. I'm not knocking anyone who does use them, btw.

    I wrote on @Caoimhín's journal about journals where guys had logged their failures with women, meaning they couldn't keep their boner up. I believe this is because, for the most part, they are having sex before they've truly committed to beating their addiction. This type of behavior is deliberate self-sabotage. It reinforces the belief that they are no good. I did that, too. I pushed away the people who cared about me, because at the end of the day I was way too into my P, sexting, cheating and MO to truly change. Both times when I cheated I watched as my prick deflated and then felt my spirit do likewise. The first time I honestly thought I couldn't go on living, such was the angst. Both women acted poorly, because of course their read on it was that they were not hot enough for me. So, I was defeated because my body wouldn't do its natural function and wrapped up in that was immeasurable guilt that I had failed the woman. A perfect storm! The cheating was just an extension of my P use, my obsessiveness with thinking about sex. When I was cybering I could maintain an erection for hours, leaking pre-cum, and feeling like a boss. If I hadn't discovered YBR I might still be stuck in that cycle. I guess it was a case of the student being ready and then the teacher appeared.

    When I didn't take full, and I mean full, responsibility for my recovery and recognized that no one else on the planet was to blame, then I was doomed to repeat the same pattern, over and over again. My mom could have done better. My wife could have done way better...but they're not to blame. They are just two other people struggling to make sense of things. In fact, I'm not to blame, but I am responsible. No one else and nothing else is going to turn things around. We must realize that we were born with the capability to own our own lives.
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2019
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Still off the booze. I often thought the booze made me feel the blahs the morning after, but now I know that is just how I feel. ha ha I actually feel the blahs more acutely and I think that's a good thing. I need to feel, I need to explore the chasm that feels empty. Pouring booze, P, and food in it doesn't help in the long run. It's always there, always present. Running away from who we are, it is so ingrained, isn't it?

    I've been doing cold showers again, which are awesome. I highly recommend them.
  18. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I feel fortunate. Booze has never been troublesome for me. Now beer is another story. I used to drink 2 or more 6 packs a day. Then one day years ago I said"Why am I doing this?" Probably a bad marriage, loneliness, I nability to think clearly. I realized none of this really had anything to do with beer abuse so I stopped. Took me a while but I did it. Still enjoy a beer with ice here and there especially with a bj !:D
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  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @Bobo beer with ice...what the fuck! :confused:

    In terms of goals, I think they can be somewhat elusive. They can be great motivators at the beginning, but once that goal is achieved...then what? I've lost 50 lbs before because I wanted to look good for my daughter's wedding, but afterward I put 60 back on. :oops: I too wanted to cure my PIED. Once I read that it was related to PMO I was rather motivated to stop choking the chicken to pixels. However, after two years of sobriety it all felt a little like same old, same old. Same pussy, same positions, etc. Fucking it seems is not all it's cracked up to be. Even though I've talked a lot about banging my old bag's bones :p it really is, at the end of the day, about loving someone. There's a balance in there of loving one another, while at the same time obeying the call of the beast. I digress. So, goals. What do we do when the event is over? Let's say our goal was to run a marathon. What do we do when we've achieved that? Some people run another one, or do a triathlon, or run a harder marathon through the woods, like that crazy one in Tennessee, The Barckley Marathon. That's one fucking crazy marathon! I think goals are important, but they don't seem to be sustaining, in and of themselves. I guess they're a starting point! :)

    For fun and interest sake I looked up what Wayne Dyer had to say about goals. Dyer, in case you don't know of him, was the psychologist who wrote "Your Erroneous Zones." If anyone had an excuse for staying stuck it was it him; his story is an interesting one. So, here's what he has to say: The secret to changing your life is in your intentions. Wishing, hoping, and goal setting can not accomplish change without intention. What is needed is the shift from the inert energy of wanting to the active energy of doing and intention.

    He also says this: I don't think goal setting is an important basis for a retail business - or for anyone. Most of the time goal setting puts too much energy and attention on being someplace else, instead of helping you appreciate where you are. If I ran a retail store, which I have done in my life, I would go into it from a place of "I am thrilled to be here, and I am honored to be able to serve other people." I would not be telling myself constantly that I have to double my sales in order for me to be happy. I would tell myself, "I am content to be here in this moment, and I love this work.

    So, for me, this is the crux of the matter: contentment with self. We only have to go to the gym to see "inspirational" quotes about how we should all strive and do better, but basically that's just running away from who we are. If we can't be content with who we are at this given second then having the bod of Adonis is not going to help; we'll just be an in-shape dick, instead of a fat one.

    I've written a lot about how healing is an action. I forgot about that this past fall. I got too caught up in my head; kept looking for the easy way out - booze and MO. As Dyer says "we must shift from the inert energy of wanting, to the active energy of doing!"

    A few posts ago I wrote about Guar Gopal and how he said once we've pushed the snooze button we've given up for the day. Delaying doing something in the hope that something will change is hitting the snooze button. Every day we do things that kill our intention and this is why it is so hard to follow through. When I first read that the secret to changing my life was intention, I wondered how I might harness that intention. In other words, I was looking for some intentions to follow through with some intention. o_O:rolleyes: My addict, my demon, wants me to think like presses the snooze button, it keeps me stuck. During the day we have numerous times to observe ourselves following through or pressing snooze. If I see windows are dirty I can get up and clean them or I can say "I'll do that when the weather is better." We just hit snooze. If we say to ourselves that we are only going to eat one piece of toast, but instead we ate two: we just hit snooze. So, our intentions needn't be heroic. Following through with small intentions builds a firm foundation. In this way our intention to change becomes the compilation of many smaller intentions.
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  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I COULD NOT AGREE WITH YOU MORE !Goals are just another form of distraction from the real work at hand. They are like you say NON SUSTAINABLE. Yes beer with ice--- try it you might likeit

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