Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Great to hear of the progress Saville.

    Don't know what to say of the porn and M. It's your life. Do what you want. Hope you 'do' wise.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Neurons that fire together wire to together, MO will always be linked to PMO in your brain. You're right.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    LOL'ing Moz. I'm sure there is P out there that has do with cat urine and guys are getting aroused by it. :D :eek:

    Arizona, yes, "do" wise. I'm definitely understanding what you mean.

    40New30, your words resonate, as per usual.

    Thank you one and all for the high fives and your support. I see I'm in this for the long haul.
  4. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Great progress bro! Keep up the good work!
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks Musicman. :)

    I caved today and MO'd. Some of my wife's family has arrived and I knew that sex was not in the cards, not at all. I used this justification, and the fact she was being a biotch (due to stress), to have one of my go-to wanks. I felt OK afterward, but when my sister-in-law arrived I was suddenly getting a boner for her. Now, that's weird, because I find her highly irritating. But when she gave me the perfunctory hug I totally wanted to kiss her. ::) Now, nothing is going to happen, not ever, because one should never shit where they sleep and also after cheating on my wife twice I will never do it again. My wife took me back after the ultimate betrayal...not going down that road again. I'm just referencing how my libido is going, because back when I was PMO'ing I never thought things like that, except perhaps in the realm of fantasy. In fact, I hardly felt anything for real women, which was why both affairs were colossal failures in the bed. I really don't know who that person was, anymore.

    Being porn free for almost 80 days, and MO'ing infrequently, has turned me into a horn dog. ;D Along with feeling desire for my wife's sister I also was tempted to look at some P today. I wanted to wank a second time and really had to convince myself not to go there. A walk to the local coffee shop helped all that stuff die away and I feel fine now. Coming here also helped and I was grateful to read the advice in the journals of others. So many have walked this path and so it should be easy, right? :p

    Still, in less than 80 days my pecker feels good and my wife and I are getting along pretty well. I'm hoping we can make love again soon and that I can finish inside of her. There's nothing like that feeling of cumming inside to make the intimacy that much more.
    Babylonier likes this.
  6. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Thanks for stopping by. I started reading your posts. Your doing a great job and making really good progress. Keep it up, the more you stay away from P and MO the more chance you will give to you and your wife.

    We are all different, but so alike in many ways. I started reading other's journals and see many others have had the same struggles as myself. I hope my post will help others as others have helped me.

    Keep it up. It's worth it!
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, resetme! :D

    My wife and I are doing really great, I think. She is much more affectionate and I think she realizes just how much we lost over these past many years. After having children, like a lot of women, sex basically dried up. Her version of sex became her giving me a hand job, which I accepted, because I thought it was better than nothing. After awhile I began to prefer that to having real sex, because I wired my brain to drift into fantasy and imagine every other woman other than my wife. Without getting too deep into the psychology of all this, my wife and I were complicit in the derangement of our intimate lives. I acted out inappropriately, because I didn't have the tools or vocabulary to aid me and neither did she. It was so much easier to just resent one another and see each other as the one at fault.

    When I began my first affair the other woman told me flat out it was my wife's fault for neglecting my needs, that she deserved to be cheated on. I convinced myself of this logic, even though deep down I knew it was nonsense. The other woman wanted me and would have said/done anything to keep me. It's hard for me to write this down, as it makes me feel stupid and brings up feelings of deep shame. Nevertheless, I have to face what I did and more importantly "why!" I had no chemistry with this woman, she was definitely less attractive than my wife, but she offered me word-porn, which because of my P use made me vulnerable to this kind of flattery. I was a people-pleaser, and so even though I didn't care for this woman I was unable, at first, to end the affair, because I didn't want her to see me as something less than. A Mr. Nice Guy has to keep up the front at all costs. I also had ED with this woman and so along with the feelings of guilt I was devastated that my pecker no longer worked. And, trust me, if you have any kind of conscience, an affair is stress to the max. Sneaking around was not exciting for me and I even developed chest pains, as a result. So, I betrayed my wife for a bit of erectile dysfunctional sex and felt like shit about it.

    My second affair was even worse. The woman was a complete narcissist and when I ended the affair after two nights of unsuccessful sleeping together, she tried to tear me down. Phone calls to the wife at 2am, emails to the wife, facebook messages to the wife, and on it went. The bizarre thing was that she was married herself and got her husband in on the action of trying to bring me down. She actually enjoyed watching her husband squirm after she admitted her affair, because it made her feel desirable. She was such a master (probably still is) at manipulating people that he was falling all over himself to be a better husband. What the even fuck! ::)

    I admitted all to my wife (what else could I do?), but it sent me into an emotional tailspin. I walked around like a zombi, barely able to do my job, or to even string two sentences together. I would guess that I fell into a depressive state. My doctor offered some drugs, but I thought I might eventually be able to right the ship on my own. WRONG! My use of P, which had been an every day thing, became an almost hourly thing. If I could find time alone I would turn to P, the only mistress that wouldn't call my wife in the early hours, nor tell lies about me, nor withhold affection. Fast forward two years and I was doing better emotionally, in that I could do my job, but I was still just bumping along, not really feeling much of anything. I had sort of resigned myself to never feeling alive again. I did the bare minimum around the house and even changing a light bulb seemed like a heroic effort. I didn't file taxes for three years! Nope, the only thing that made sense was wanking to P, it was the only solace I had in my life, except for my children who are grown and have their own lives.

    Since finding this place, less than three months ago, my life has truly been transformed. The light bulb in my own head, that I couldn't change, has suddenly come back on and I have hope again. I have found great inspiration in the journals of you other men and the unqualified support has been amazing. Over the last 72 days I have seen my erections return, had sex with my wife three times, and have been amazingly productive. Wowee! :D

    A big cyber-hug to all! Love you brothers in arms.
    Babylonier likes this.
  8. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Wow bro... all I can say is that you should be very proud of the man you have become (the man that was always in there deep down inside). Your transparency is awesome. Takes huge balls to face reality, take ownership of the shit that you found yourself in, admit the truth to your wife and make the changes necessary to give you and your wife a chance for a better life. You did it all, in spite of all kinds of hell breaking lose around you. As men its important for us to LEAD the way by getting our shit in order and then leading our families accordingly. Much props on your journey thus far and I'm confident that the best is yet to come bro!!

    Keep up the great work Saville! Your story is a true inspiration brother. Very happy for you, you deserve the best. Bro-hug back at cha man.

    One day at a time!!
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Musicman, thank you! Your support means so much to me.

    I sense everyone here feeding off of the incredible vibes here. It's like there's a revolution going on for us men where we rediscover how to be ourselves. :D So cool! 8)
  10. Ben

    Ben New Member

    I just read through this journal for the first time. I'm very happy to see you experiencing such nice results with your wife.

    Even though I've never been married, I can relate to a lot of what you say. The difficulty of this journey just makes our success that much sweeter.

    Seems like the sky is the limit for you Saville. :)
  11. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Well done on re-establishing that intimacy with your wife, that really is fantastic news. And credit to your wife for being amazingly understanding. Make sure you don't get complacent. Keep us updated with your progress Saville.

    I'm also going to have a look at your book recommendation 'No More Mr Nice Guy'.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Ben and Sundance....big thank you's! I thought about deleting my post where I went into detail about the affairs, but then Musicman wrote such a beautiful post in support of me. It's hard to be vulnerable, even on the internet with strangers. But, the journals are for us to get healthy, and also to provide information to others who are facing similar situations and trials.

    Sundance, yes, my wife is a remarkable woman. She is worth every effort I can put forward. I am owning what I did and I know that I, alone, am responsible for my actions. It does take two to tango and she did emotionally withdraw from me after the kids were born. Also, when I was drowning in a sea of shit and my health had declined precipitously there was no one to help me, to offer me a life line, to tell me that I was a good man that would get through this. I held this against her for a long time, but I've come to realize that we are/were two damaged people that didn't know how to communicate, nor how to treat each other when the going got tough. In other words, we are two imperfect humans, just like everyone else. 8)

    My wife, allowing us to be intimate again, after all that went on is huge. We've met in the middle and rekindled something special, I think. If I hadn't found this forum, and read many of the books that other men have suggested, I would still be watching P and resenting my wife. All along I was obviously seeking something better, another way, to live my life. I read a ton of self-help books over the years trying to get my life in order, but the problem was that I was looking for them to prove that I was right, and also trying to find that magic bullet that would set my heart on fire. In some round about, convoluted, way I was looking for someone else to do the heavy lifting for me. We all found this forum because we are seekers. I believe we have all now taken the first step on that incredible road called recovery. Woot!

    I have to stay off of P. I have to stop, or limit severely, how much I MO. I have to stop fantasizing about other women when I'm with my wife. This list is the heavy lifting that I must do. The pay-off, of course, as everyone here knows, is that when we give up PMO'ing we begin to feel, something we've run from all our lives. OK, the sermon to myself is over. ;D

    A side note to giving up MO'ing twice or more a day: I'm peeing much better. Do I hear an AMEN?! I now get a full stream. I feel so confident now I would challenge even a 40 year old to a pissing contest. ;D I thought that keeping the pipes clean was actually good for me and might even keep prostate cancer at bay. WRRRONG! Constant MO'ing keeps the prostate inflamed and thus enlarged. So, fuck you porn! 8)
    Babylonier likes this.
  13. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Saville. just wanted to check in and pat you on the back - great stuff that you're doing here :)

    I read thru your journal a bit more thoroughly today, and really appreciate your honesty and perspective. This is not an easy issue to put to rest, like "wack-a-mole", can pop up in so many unexpected places. I appreciate your perseverance as well.

    Keep on, keepin' on. brother :)
  14. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Hi Saville,

    It takes a lot for one to learn and grow from what they have done. Very brave of you to get all that out. That is the past, so just never go back there. Get the love and respect that you earn.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    MarstonS, NCB, Resetme, huge thank you's! It's the support I get here that allows me to share without fear of being torn down.

    You guys are the bomb! :D
  16. tonym

    tonym Member

    Congrats Saville on your progress and reconnecting with your wife. My situation is bit different than yours when it comes to my wife, but look forward to reporting a similar success story down the road. I agree with 40New30 when it comes to MO. I think that if you direct that can energy and attention towards your wife, you'd be better off. Something I am trying to work on doing myself. Thanks for posting and congrats on your success. Peace.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, Tonym, thanks for stopping by!You are right, like 40New30 says, that MO'ing does take away energy that could be used more creatively. Unfortunately I MO'd yesterday, because I was so damn horny and because the wife's family is still here and I know there won't be any chance for sex until they're gone. It's weird to be 56 and all charged up like I am now after giving up P. I'm definitely loving the change in that regard. OWOOOOOOO! :D Regardless, I could have saved the energy for another day...I'm still working on being more disciplined with the fapping. It seems to be once a week or once every two weeks at the moment. The other unfortunate thing about it is it gives me that chaser effect we are all familiar with, which leads me to thinking about, yup, you guessed it, popcorn...while watching P.

    I was reading on Libertad's journal how he just didn't feel he was at all worthy of love and praise. :( How terrible that we grow into men, get educated, hold down jobs, get married, and have kids, and yet we still don't feel we are worthy of love and praise. It seems that no amount of accomplishments will ever make us feel worthy. We should be brought up to feel love and our own worthiness just for being ourselves. We shouldn't have to build monuments to ourselves for our families to hold us in high esteem.

    For myself, it wasn't safe for me to be authentic around my mom, or anyone in my family for that matter. They all loved me, so it isn't a boo hoo story, but I learned early on that my mom's love was dependent on her mood, and that she thought more highly of herself than she did of her children. I spent a lot of my life trying to please someone that could never be pleased. Unfortunately, my dad was rather passive, and though a very nice guy, he had kind of half-emotionally checked out. So, my manhood was shaped by my mom. Because of this I married someone who is very much like my mother was. Yes, YIKES! :eek: Instead of marrying someone who wanted to bring the best out of me, I married a person who thought more highly of herself, and was unable to support me in the way I needed. In other words there was no nurturing, nor selfless love. Selfless love may challenge you to be better, but the underlying message will always be: I love you! Of course, my wife was fighting her own demons. We found each other precisely because we could allow our own brand of dysfunction to continue and then hand it down to our children. Ouch! :p

    It may well be impossible to truly connect with someone in a way that doesn't foster even small amounts of dysfuntion, which is why it is all the more important to really love ourselves. Quitting porn is an act of self-love, which is why it is so hard for many of us to stay the course. As Arizona says "it is so much easier to sedate ourselves." I'm learning to love myself. I'm a looooooong way from saying that I absolutely do, but I know with work I get closer everyday. It's so important to know that we don't have to be thin, bulked up, have great teeth, have tons of hair, have no wrinkles, witty, have a job that earns tons of money, etc, to be worthy of love and praise.

    Brothers, we are worth so much. Little by little, incrementally, I see us all opening our eyes to that fact. :)
    Babylonier likes this.
  18. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Yes Saville.

    We find a spouse to unravel the patterns we built with our mothers. I was also surprised learning this and seeing how I dealt with similar struggles with my wife as I did with my mother. Pleasing, in order to be valued is a big one, very big one. I mean a deep rooted mechanism lots of us have, especially us people addicted to porn.
    Basically, we wish to be seen for who we are. And that can of course only happen when we dare to see ourselves for who we are. Hence we must first love ourselves as you correctly write.
    Finding that comfort, that love and recognition from other people makes most people run in circles their complete lifes. Where all we have to do is go inward, see oursleves and accept ourselves.

    And yes, wifes have their demons. Usually about being left alone, being deserted. In the end a similar fear of 'am I worth it'? Just like we men have.

    Connection is possible though. It takes two people who dare to venture this journey. And I've seen that wanting to be intimate, is already intimate. We sometimes have this picture of perfect being intimate, being together with no dust, only shining. But I've seen that the attempt to connect, showing fragileness, seeing old pains and friction, and for example sharing that certain things are to painful to face, to bright… that itself is also intimacy, connecting. connecting with what is. And sometimes, that just needs a little more time. And acknowledging that, is no less intimate, as sitting together with a fire at night in silence.

    Yes my friend, the journey is to be made. Not so much to finish.
    Struggling to love yourself, IS loving yourself. You see? You are already there. It only needs some light, some awareness, some pure intent to get to know yourself, to meet yourself. That IS already the love. Not the imaginary outcome you maye have that you've dissolved all thresholds or something.

    The moment you want to love yourself, you already DO love yourself
    The moment you wish intimacy, you ARE intimate with what is real
    Babylonier likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This hit me hard and makes sense. After reading this I asked myself if I want to love myself and I didn't know the answer. I actually felt a physical block in my brain when I asked that of myself. While it's true I'm feeling better after giving up P, it's also true that I have to reach a different kind of understanding. I almost feel like I can grasp what you're saying, but then it slips away. I guess love and intimacy are the same thing. If I love myself I'm intimate with myself. If I can't be intimate with myself then how I can ever be truly intimate with another?

    Arizona, thank you!
    Babylonier likes this.
  20. tonym

    tonym Member

    Hey Saville. Keep up the good work. Your postings will keep you accountable and help others like myself who read posts :)

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