Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.
You SO inspire me, my friend! Keep on!
So glad I'm following the journal. Good luck with vacation and getting intimate with the wifey
Your journal has inspired me to checkout the book No More Mr. Nice Guy! For most of my life, it's always been about pleasing others and I think a large part of that can be attributed to my past experiences with depression. And I certainly still plan on being a nice guy; but I think it's time I start looking into taking care of myself first; for too long I've let others be the center of my energy.
Again, best wishes and I cannot wait to hear how things go, honestly.
Just wanted to let you know that I've enjoyed reading your journal. It is sprinkled with humor, which I really enjoyed. While this is a serious undertaking in a way, taking ourselves not too seriously helps, I think . Glad to read that you're starting to feel closer to your wife again. I'm looking forward to continuing reading your journal. All the best.
Hey man, just a followup from my last post.. I read through chapter 1 of "No More My Nice Guy!" and MAN did everything mentioned strike a chord with me. I'm confident I identify as the "Nice Guy" portrayed in the book and am going to start making strides to change who I am as a person.
I'm just curios, did you find someone to console your transition in or are you tackling this by yourself? I'm at a point in my life where it might be a little much to try and console my issues in my friends, so seeing a psychologist or support group was something I've considered.. but I also wouldn't mind trying to tackle this on my own.
I didn't have a chance to welcome you yet. I hope your being here is helpful to you and it already seems like it is. It has been great to read that things are improving with your wife and that you are starting down a path that is better than it was before. Take care.
Hey Saville, hope the holiday is going good and that you are well.
Hey man, haven't seen you on in a while. Hope all is well! Let us know how things went with your wife a few weeks back
Back from vacay! I thought about all you guys here while on my journey, but with so little privacy I just decided to focus on all the things we talk about here and forgo the posting. The trip was incredible in so many ways. Firstly, my wife and I made love...twice! I hadn't fapped in a good long time and by the second day of the holiday I was literally bursting at the seams. I was lying on the bed in the hotel room with a substantial hard-on and there was even precum spilling out. I approached my wife and to my utter surprise she was amenable. I was almost positive I would be heading to the bathroom to rub one off, but after two years we finally were able to find intimacy. Both heads were reeling. There is a caviet to all this in that I was not able to finish inside her. This was not due to anything on my part, but rather over the intervening two years, what with menopause, intercourse for her was painful. I had anticipated this somewhat and had purchased, surreptitiously, (heh heh) K-Y Jelly. Even with the lubricant I was unable to fully penetrate her, although the animal in me just wanted to push it to the hilt. So, we kissed and I contented myself with going only half way in.
The best thing about it was that I could FEEL! Wow, wowzers, woweee! My penis was alive and the erection strong. No PMO is the total bomb, the way to go, the magnum opus of life techniques. At 56, after years of inadequate erections, ED, and failure I was rock hard and felt desire within me. If we'd gone at it long enough I would have come just putting the head in, but it was too uncomfortable for my wife and so she obliged me by finishing me off with a hand-job. I didn't fantasize and I told her to rub as lightly as possible. The last thing I needed was her doing her version of the death-grip to hasten my ejaculation. I came super fast, anyway, and shot my load over my shoulder onto the sheets. I relate this last part only to highlight the strength of my ejaculation, because for the past five years, at least, my O's were modest and ejaculations weak.
The second time was similar, although we were able to achieve a greater degree of penetration and for a little longer. She agreed to go the doctor to see what might be done to make intercourse easier. Yes, holy shit! She was actually laughing that in her late 50's she would now be having more sex than ever before. 8)
Of course, we are back home now and habits die hard; we all know that from our porn addictions. Still, this is progress and I owe it to this forum and you insightful men. Without your support I would still be lost and limp. So, success on a number of fronts. Number one, I can achieve good erections, and number two, it seems my wife is willing to once again be intimate.
So, that's all the good news. The last night of our holiday I thought we would have a chance to have sex again, but I got a bit drunk and fell asleep too quickly. In the morning I was super horny, but because we needed to pack, etc, I knew having sex was not in the cards. I decided to MO to take the edge off. The next day we had a lay-over day and I MO'd again. Last night we arrived back home and, yup, did it again. This morning, all jazzed up from all that cumming, I did it again, except this time I really had to fight with myself not to watch porn. Ouch! It's like there's a porn demon just waiting for me to relax, waiting for me to have a bit of success, so it can sabotage it all in one fell swoop. Even now I feel like PMO'ing. So, today, I'm declaring that I'm going to go fap-free for the next couple of weeks, at least.
Reading all the responses to my journal this morning, after being away for three weeks, really heartened me. Thank you, each and everyone of you for your support. I have been free of watching P now for 62 days, so I'm taking that as a great step forward. Now I have to cool it on the fapping and see if the wife and I might move forward with our lovemaking. I feel good, but also wary. I have a bit of that low-level depression from MO'ing and I know I'm vulnerable right now. Wow, just talking about it feels good!
Sweet report! Sounds like you suffered from the chaser effect pretty strongly (not surprisingly), and then the MO reignited the old P pathways, no wonder you feel drained. It's much easier and safer to save all your O's for the missus.
Even casual MO will very likely reignite those porn pathways, which is why I steer clear. Now, it is possible that after a few years we might be able to go back to MO with no big chaser. I don't know, I haven't gotten that far yet, but it's definitely a risk...neurons that fire together will wire together.
I feel so much better with no MO in my life and have chosen to give it up completely, maybe you will too.
Dang, so happy for you man! Literally during your whole previous post I was silently cheering inside for your victory. Living the best of both worlds.. PMO free lifestyle and rekindling with your wife. I wonder if your kids will recognize things are more "cheery" the next time you see them.
Contrary to 40News30, (Realized I misquoted you, sorry!)I think you can still MO without having to worry about the chaser affect. You just need to insure you're doing it in moderation and that you're in the right mindset while doing it. For example: if you watched porn because O made you happy, MOing when upset, as a means of attempting to make you happy, might not be the best idea! lol. But if MO is too much now,you're right in that you should avoid it.
When you get a chance I'd love to hear about how No More Mr Nice Guy! is going for you. You inspired me to start reading that book and it's been one of the best decisions I've made in the past few months.
Anyways, gz again dude! 8)
Awesome report Saville! So glad to hear you and your wife are making progress. Keep up the great work!
One day at a time...
Hey, welcome back!
NCB, Newman8888, onesea, A Streetcar, Musicman...thank you!
40new30, you are so right about the chaser effect. Thankfully, today, I don't feel like MO'ing at all. However, I don't have much energy today, either. Like you, the MO'ing does seem to drain me of that quality energy. It's so tied together with PMO'ing that, though it's not as pernicious as watching porn, it still sends me into old patterns of behavior.
Wilder, thanks for all the posts. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is one of those epic books. Robert Glover had some serious inspiration when he wrote that book. The premise that we were brought up to fulfill a females view of manhood rings true with so many here. I'm not saying it's a book for all guys, but it's the quintessential treatise for us nice guys, imo. We men get into relationships from this rocky foundation of being unable to be honest about our feelings and what we need and then this sets the stage for further dysfunction. In my case, I not only was/am a nice guy, but I married a woman who is very much like my mom. Having two moms - YIKES! Who needs that! It's enough to make a nice guy run out of the room screaming, or have an affair, or get addicted to porn, or both, with other deadly behaviours thrown in for good measure. Oops, I'm ranting.
Not being a nice guy is going well. I believe my wife sees the change in me, which is probably why we had sex. I understand the concept behind the book and so now I'm just letting it filter through me without trying to follow it chapter and verse, if you know what I'm saying. I need to be honest about what I want and honest about what's going on in my life. I'm no longer trying to avoid confrontation by agreeing with her, or lying, so that she will think everything is OK. Also, I have striven my entire life to be liked by all women. I wanted them to like me and to desire me, though that is a tall order considering how my looks have faded. ha ha So, I'm getting away from trying to impress women at all. If I went for counselling I would make sure it was with a man, for instance, as I think I need more contact with men and much less with women. Women used to like me a lot, and that got me into a lot of trouble. Even women who I thought were ugly, or lesbians, I wanted them to really like me. In other words, I was trying to get mummy to love me. I feel I'm really getting over that.
Some people re-discover life and on that path realise porn is a sedation.
Some people realise porn destroys their life and by quitting, find life.
You seem to look for more than a quick fix which always makes my heart smile.
If you want the journey of journey's, read Jed McKenna, 'Enlightenment, the damnest thing'.
One of the very few (the only one I know at this point) that puts all in perspective. Religion, addictions, relationship patterns etc. etc.
Again, glad to see you write honest here about what's holding you from living life.
I can relate with this statement big time and I feel like I'm making similar progress. Keep up the great work Saville.
One day at a time...
Well said! I think I'm in a similar boat in your regards. I always tried impressing woman in particular growing up; however, for me I was always a bit shy so I didn't encounter as many situations where I was trying to please woman as I might have. I none-the-less still tried pleasing many, male and female, rather than myself because of some of the things talked about in the book - toxic shaming in particular. Either way, I'm only 8 activities in (I believe mid chapter 3?), and while I'm taking the book slowly, I can honestly say I've learned a lot from it and am getting better about focusing on me rather than just everyone else around me.
Arizona, thank you! I really appreciate your words on my journal and others as well. You are the forum guru. 8) I've read a lot of your journal and your healing trajectory is amazing. You are so right that we must seek beyond our porn addiction. I'm definitely going to check out that book.
Hey, Wilder, I posted on your journal. Toxic shaming is a biggie. It's not easy to move past our early programming, but with work we're all going to get there.
Yesterday the wife and I had sex. Woot! It was a little easier for my wife this time as we used coconut oil as a lubricant instead of K-Y. She was much more into it and it seems like on the intimacy front we are quite a bit closer. 8) She still had to finish me off, as it was still a bit uncomfortable. I notice I still have to remind myself that it's OK for me to just enjoy without worrying about her needs. Because I was able to fully penetrate her I began my old habit of trying to please her, to get her off. As soon as I sensed this I just thought about my own feelings and my sense of arousal increased. I had good wood and at no time did I go soft, which was an issue when I was using P. My wife even commented that the size of my dick had not diminished with age. 8) My penis is just average in size :-[, I reckon, but it felt good for her to say that.
I should feel super pumped about my progress, and I do, but it's tempered by wariness, because I still haven't lost my desire to watch P. When the wife was beating me off I had images of some P stars and then this morning I whacked myself off, which is probably part of the chaser effect due to having sex. While M'ing I realized (big duh, here) that masturbating in my mind is very much tied to porn use and so it is inevitable that if I continue to MO for release that I will eventually relapse. I say this because over the past four days I have been closer to clicking on the P more than at any other time. Yesterday, I had a fuck it moment that just about set me back. Phew, glad I didn't give in. I now know that if I masturbate then I will start P use again. For many years the two of been inseparable, hence the two are wired together. I know kicking the MO habit is going to be difficult.
To summarize: there is lots of good stuff going on, but I now realize the journey has just begun. Thank god I never smeared ice cream over myself while MO'ing, otherwise that might be off-limits too.
Try smearing some cat urine on yourself while MO'ing. I have two cats, and trust me, that would do the trick
Congrats on the progress with your wife. It's very inspiring.
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