Too Late to the Party?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Saville, May 15, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What an awesome post to wake up too. Thank you, Guy, I'm still smiling from your support. I'm def feeling the love in this forum, something I'm not used to among men. I'm sure, no, I know, that is my fault, because I always sought the company and approval of women in my life. I have one close male friend, but mostly I have acquaintances, guys I go for a drink with now again, or men who come as part and parcel of our wive's friendship. As I mentioned before, my one male friend is someone that I can't be totally honest with, because he's so judgmental. Perhaps I've never given him the chance, which is maybe something I can remedy. I often don't give people the chance to see my warts, which has led me to obfuscating the truth; basically I used to lie a lot. And, the silly thing is, the lies were often about things that didn't matter and no one would have cared about. My P use and affairs were a deep dark secret, but I lied about banal stuff, things of absolutely no importance. But, steeped inside of me from an early age, was the desire to be safe. My mom was volatile and and I never knew how she might react to something. She also made pronouncements about this, that, and the other, pronouncements I felt I had to live up to. Of course, I couldn't live up to her vision of what men should be and so I created a persona, a fake me. Once you are a fake then lying is easy. I'd already covered up the real me, the vulnerable me, and so the truth didn't matter anymore. I continued this up into my adulthood and married someone who is very much like my mom was. The thing is, I didn't realize that I was fake. I just believed I was saving everyone from a world of hurt if I kept my own counsel. My lies weren't hurting anyone. In fact, they were protecting everyone from feeling bad. There's that word again: Feelings. After the fall-out from the affairs I realized I had to be honest. Not just because I got caught, but because lying was literally killing me.

    I could fill pages with my wife's failures, her withdrawal of affection, her lack of support, her own form of lying, but that would be the old me looking for excuses. This journal is about ME getting healthy and from that stand-point making healthy decisions. My wife once told me "you're not the man I married," which shamed and damned me. However, I was exactly the man she married, only the cracks had begun to show in my mask. After reading much of YBOP and the fantastic journals of you men here I hope she says that to me again some day, because then it will be true, and then it will be something to celebrate, and not something to feel shame and guilt over. Moz writes "one day at a time" at the end of every journal entry and I like that. One day at a time we're dropping the edifice of falsehood and becoming the vulnerable humans we were meant to be. We're all lovable, we're all worthy, we're all perfect just as we are. Love you guys!
     
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  2. wilder

    wilder Member

    Hey man, congratulations on making it over a month without P! To go cold-turkey like that and find ways to fight off urges, when present, is not an easy thing to do.. so that's certainly worth a pat on the back. It also sounds like you're experiencing some of the great side effects of removing yourself from your P addiction - I can assure you if you stay on this track it only gets better.

    Have you told your wife about your porn problem or that you're suffering from ED? I don't know your relationship, but at least telling her the later could be useful for her to understand why you might be hesitant to attempt things sexually - granted I don't know your relationship at all.

    Anyways, I'll be in touch - best of luck on your recovery. Cheers! :)
     
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    You have a lot of life to live and lots to give to the world, once you're clean you become who you are truly meant to be, and that is a powerful being.
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    40new30. Thank you SO much. Your post has really encouraged me tonight. I'm a little down and may perhaps be flatlining, or, at any rate I feel differently. Again, thanks bro. I'm feeling the love here. :)

    Wilder, I haven't been that open about my porn issue, but you're right, it might be time to tell her that I'm feeling nervous about holding my own. We haven't had sex for two years, but perhaps if she sees I'm vulnerable, along with the other changes that are taking place, she may be more disposed to get intimate. It would take the pressure off of me, too, if she new. Thanks man! I appreciate the support, big time!
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Totally want to PMO right now!

    Yesterday was a kind of funky day, in that I was in a bit of a funk. Being alone for a week, and really gathering that good energy together, it seemed to get knocked off kilter by my wife's arrival home. She's a busy person and so I often get swept up in what she's got to do. Plus, I've done so much growing over the last month, below the belt too 8) , and I wanted that to continue undisturbed. I also was hoping that we might end up in bed. When that didn't happen I felt stymied, as part of my juggernaut of energy was to get that to happen - no matter how unrealistic that might be after two years of celibacy.

    Last night, as she told me about her allergy problems, and her low-thyroid, and how tired she was, I realized that I was not going to score on day 2, either. So, I went to my bed early and MO'd. I wasn't really into it and I had a convo going on in my head about whether I should leave IT alone. My energy last night was the same as when I would start PMO'ing, which I find concerning. I tried my best not to fantasize while wanking, but the occasional scene flashed before my eyes. Mostly I just went with the sensation. Def did not use, nor need, the death grip. I felt OK once the deed was done and had a good sleep, bu then woke up wanting to fap immediately. I even thought about retrieving my laptop so that I could do an old-fashioned PMO rodeo. Yikes!!

    On the positive front I'm feeling much more energetic. I'm getting a bit more done in my life, which is cool, and I'm definitely feeling a lot more. Also, my erections are top-o-the-line. Probably not in Gabriel territory, but I need very little encouragement to get fully engorged. The ejaculations are good, too. I don't give myself a facial anymore :-\, but the lift off is definitely good and strong. At the height of my P use my O's were pathetic. Sometimes I barely felt them and often my cock was practically soft. I'm sure this is boring info for the regulars, but just putting it in there, as these are the kinds of things I was looking for when first reading the journals here. Basically, am I going to improve and get my mojo back. YES, YOU ARE!

    Wow, just typing in my journal has made the thought of PMO'ing subside. I had been feeling a little invincible of late and so this little wake up call is probs just what's needed.

    I might have had a struggle, but I'm still 35 days PMO free!
     
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  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    MO lights up the P pathways and makes us want to PMO, not the best choice early in your reboot but of course way better than P. Congrats on 35 days, things might get a little crappy again for a while, but once you get past 2 - 3 months you'll be getting amazing benefits.
     
  7. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Saville!!!

    I am proud of you for being PMO-free for over a month.

    That will be a milestone for me in a few weeks.

    This is exactly why I come here instead of "coming" there! Sharing strangely STRENGHTENS me. It's why I need this community.

    Have a GREAT day!
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are SO right. Each time I MO it gets harder to resist the pull of P. I think for me a proper reboot does include no MO. Thanks for the support, 40New30.

    Guy, thank you. Yeah, dodged a bullet yesterday. Sharing really does strengthen our resolve. I was afraid to share, uncomfortable to make myself vulnerable, but it does wonders. Especially in this place with all of you awesome guys. We're stronger together.

    Together we can do this!!
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Same for me, bud. I've been squeaky clean for 2 weeks now, and for the last few days, have been toying with the idea of "rewarding" myself and allowing an image/fantasy free MO romp. Having tried that several times before, and realizing that I will not explode if I join the other fapstronauts who have gone far longer than I ever have, I'm keeping my hands off myself.
    Good on you, Saville, and congrats on pushing well into month 2!
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bro! Thank you! My wife just left for the office and the first thought that popped into my head was "I could wank." It is amazing and terrible how ingrained that thinking is. The perversion is not the P, but the way our pliant, beautiful, minds have become attuned to something that is so physically harming.

    I've said before how great and nonjudgmental this forum is, and it is, but yesterday while reading 40New30's journal I came across someone who was really harsh. I'm sure they thought they were "teaching" him how to be a moral person. I looked up this other person's journal and discovered that he struggles with going to prostitutes. I'm not judging this fellow, but I suppose it didn't occur to him to be careful when lobbing those big boulders in the glass house. He had a moment of righteous indignation on someone else's journal (journey) and forgot that we are all traveling this rocky path together. I love that I can say anything I want about my past, present, and future, and I'm not going to get a bunch of people wagging their finger at me, telling me what a bad man I am. None of us would be here if we weren't serious about becoming more fully developed people. It's the lack of honesty that fuels so much of the sorrow in this world. I'm learning so much here and feel more complete as a person. I've never had this kind of camaraderie or courage in my life. At 56 I'm finally getting a glimmer of getting it. :D

    We can't, nor should we, negate our previous selves. By the sounds of it, most men here have done many good things, and some spectacular things. I do think we are people of accomplishment, but we got snared, and then enslaved by certain traps that led us to P. That we are now taking apart our P prison, brick by brick, is wonderful and inspiring.

    One thing I've noticed with consistency in my life is that most people have a hidden life. We are all perfectly imperfect. Obviously not talking about those that lie far beyond the pale such as psychopaths and their like. I've met people who chastised others for cheating a bit on their taxes, only to discover that when not charged for an expensive drink at the bar they won't inform the waiter/waitress. They believe cheating an unfeeling government is bad, but robbing a server of their income is just fine. Of course, we all know the stories of the proselytizing preachers who besmirch the LGBT community, and then are later found in bed with a person of the same sex. It's our society that is warped and we as individual cope with these artificial constructs that go against our nature.

    I'm not justifying anything I've done. I'm an adulterer and P addict. I've hurt people because of my actions. I've also hurt myself. Now it's time to put the past in perspective. Past, fuck off, because I don't need you. 8)

    Yesterday my wife lit candles in the family room. She created an atmosphere for us, which is huge. We also have been embracing more and I believe that this is because I am changing through no PMO. My penis feels good and I'm getting decent wood again after years of meh. I want to make love, which is again a huge change. I wanted to before on some level, but mostly I wanted everyone to leave me alone so I could PMOC (masturbate myself with porn until I'm in a coma). Now, I actively want to be in bed naked with my wife. These are changes that have taken place in just over a month.

    I've read tons of self-help books, like many of us here have. I bought them, because I kept asking myself "what's wrong with me?" These books taught me I probably have depression, low self-esteem, thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, ADHD, Lyme, mummy issues, daddy issues, sibling issues, cat scratch disease, a spirituality crisis, latent homosexuality, and anger issues stemming from a one-off encounter with a boy who stole my favorite dinky toy; still mad at the fucker! The fact is I'm just...like everyone else. And now, with the knowledge I've gained in less than two months, I intend on breaking that "everyone else mold." Time to make my 50's the best years yet!

    Thanks bro's!
     
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  11. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Your libido, erections, and desire for your wife will only keep getting better. And that long list of medical issues is probably largely just the effects of PMO. I'm telling you, it's absolutely incredible what PMO does to the brain.
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks 40New30. You're awesome.

    It's amazing how I searched so many years to find out why I was so unmotivated. I was losing my passion for everything. A numb person going through the motions. Looking forward to getting stronger!
     
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  13. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I was in the same boat, I had no idea what was wrong with me. Tried everything under the sun, I was depressed and not motivated, was having ED problems.

    Then I found out about porn and PIED and went cold turkey for 30 days, around that time I was sitting having lunch with my sister and my Dad and I felt a balance in my mind that I hadn't experienced since I was a kid, not only that but I felt a strong sense of natural attraction to our waitress. Unlike anything I had felt since I was about 14.

    It was funny because it was very different from the attraction to body parts that you feel with P. It was an overwhelmingly masculine feeling but at the same time very calm. At that moment I realized that online porn had been absolutely ruining my life since I was about 26 or 27 years old. I thought my porn use was "normal".
     
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  14. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Amen. Amazing how thinking like that, the moment you realize you will be alone for a while, becomes second nature.
    Glad to hear things are improving with you and the wife!
     
  15. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Saville!

    Wise man, you are. THAT'S for sure:
    I SO agree! I'm here with you!
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support.

    Today my wife offered me a hand job. :eek: Woah, things must be changing. I declined, but it was mighty tempting. Back when I was doing porn, just over a month ago, I would have declined then too, but for different reasons. Now I wouldn't mind her touching my rod, but MO'ing is MO'ing, and I'm really trying to get away from that. I told her that I loved the offer, but that I was hoping we could be more intimate than that. She smiled and seem to indicate that this was not out of the question. There seems to be movement here.

    I think I'll leave my journal entry at that for tonight. :D
     
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No hand job, no sex, but we did kiss in the elevator. I even got a boner. :)

    Felt some of that weird energy, but I feel confident, given the journey of others here, that it's just a matter of time before that energy is directed in a more positive way. Still feeling a bit tired and and having fitful sleeps. I'm encouraged reading the journals of others who have made it 90 days.

    I do think I'm really tasting my food more. Usually I just throw it in the hole and I'm done. But, lately, I've been savoring my food. I think I'm beginning to enjoy eating.

    I remember back when I was in my early 20's and definitely interested in having sex with whom ever would have me. Making out always seemed a bit of an effort. I wondered sometimes why I wasn't more into the whole thing. I enjoyed sex, but it seemed like a bit of work. I never really understood that until I read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I realize now that when we are groomed to make sure the ladies are pleased first it usually means we aren't pleasing ourselves. How did sex, something so natural and organic, become about men worrying if their woman has an orgasm? First and foremost the man should be enjoying the feeling of the sexual event, the closeness with another person. I made sure my wife orgasmed every time and she demanded it. So, it became a bit of a chore knowing that I had to "do" my job. There should be some kind of natural ebb and flow where both people come away pleased.

    When my wife and I finally do have sex again I'm going to think about myself. I'm going to groove on her soft body and hopefully she'll be grooving on mine. Of course we're older and saggier than we used to be. ;D But, I find her attractive and I'm not a total lump myself.

    Happy Sunday everyone!
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    More kissing tonight with the wee wifey. Hmmmm. Just taking it for what it's worth for now. We're going on holiday soon and feel somewhat confident we will be intimate. I'm still a little nervous about the whole thing, but I'm also trying not to over think.

    Totally wanted to choke the chicken tonight, but talked myself out of it - that would have been an impossibility just a short while ago. There were times when I was running late for work and I would still try to squeeze in a PMO. Often I couldn't cum in time and so would have to head out the door immensely frustrated. All I could think of at such times was: when can I get back on the P. Today I was victorious and so I'm taking that.

    I'm not sure how much I'll be posting over the next while as I'll be on holiday and I really want to plug into the experience. Even if my wife and I don't end up having sex I want to drink every day in, and to do it PMO free. Oh, yeah! 8)

    Cheers men! Feeling the brotherly love.
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Have a great time, Saville. Drink in those days, man! As you say, that great sex you've been waiting for (where you focus on enjoying the experience instead of pleasing her first) may or may not happen right away, but when it does, it will be amazing for both of you.
    Thanks for being here!
     
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Just found your journal, Saville, and thought I'd say hey :)

    Keep posting!
     

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