What an awesome post to wake up too. Thank you, Guy, I'm still smiling from your support. I'm def feeling the love in this forum, something I'm not used to among men. I'm sure, no, I know, that is my fault, because I always sought the company and approval of women in my life. I have one close male friend, but mostly I have acquaintances, guys I go for a drink with now again, or men who come as part and parcel of our wive's friendship. As I mentioned before, my one male friend is someone that I can't be totally honest with, because he's so judgmental. Perhaps I've never given him the chance, which is maybe something I can remedy. I often don't give people the chance to see my warts, which has led me to obfuscating the truth; basically I used to lie a lot. And, the silly thing is, the lies were often about things that didn't matter and no one would have cared about. My P use and affairs were a deep dark secret, but I lied about banal stuff, things of absolutely no importance. But, steeped inside of me from an early age, was the desire to be safe. My mom was volatile and and I never knew how she might react to something. She also made pronouncements about this, that, and the other, pronouncements I felt I had to live up to. Of course, I couldn't live up to her vision of what men should be and so I created a persona, a fake me. Once you are a fake then lying is easy. I'd already covered up the real me, the vulnerable me, and so the truth didn't matter anymore. I continued this up into my adulthood and married someone who is very much like my mom was. The thing is, I didn't realize that I was fake. I just believed I was saving everyone from a world of hurt if I kept my own counsel. My lies weren't hurting anyone. In fact, they were protecting everyone from feeling bad. There's that word again: Feelings. After the fall-out from the affairs I realized I had to be honest. Not just because I got caught, but because lying was literally killing me. I could fill pages with my wife's failures, her withdrawal of affection, her lack of support, her own form of lying, but that would be the old me looking for excuses. This journal is about ME getting healthy and from that stand-point making healthy decisions. My wife once told me "you're not the man I married," which shamed and damned me. However, I was exactly the man she married, only the cracks had begun to show in my mask. After reading much of YBOP and the fantastic journals of you men here I hope she says that to me again some day, because then it will be true, and then it will be something to celebrate, and not something to feel shame and guilt over. Moz writes "one day at a time" at the end of every journal entry and I like that. One day at a time we're dropping the edifice of falsehood and becoming the vulnerable humans we were meant to be. We're all lovable, we're all worthy, we're all perfect just as we are. Love you guys!