I've been lurking here over the past 3 weeks and have finally found the wherewithal to post. There is a lot of pain in the journals of this forum, but also a lot of inspiration. I feel less lonely after having read the words of so many enlightened men, as well as a few women. I never realized I was a porn addict and fantasist until I saw Gary's TedTalk. I didn't like that I needed porn for release and recognized that it was an enormous time waster, but I saw the porn-void as endemic of a bland marital life. Because I blamed my wife for not being sexually available, I used that as an excuse to watch porn and also to have two affairs. My marriage has been long and fraught with drama and difficulty, but it wasn't until recently, after reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," that I realized that what I brought to the marital table was deficient and lead to my (and my wife's) inevitable struggles. I'm taking responsibility for my own behaviour. My wife is still sexually unavailable and for the past two years I have lived the life of a celibate, but I believe that can now change. Through this forum and YBOP, as well as some other reading, I have found a new vocabulary; I know what's "wrong" with me. It's a start! My two affairs could be characterized as abysmal and pathetic failures. I had ED with both women, and though I eventually was able to O with them both, it was not without a helluva lot of fantasizing. Both women were initially gobsmacked at my inability to perform. We had flirted heavily over the internet and had had such viable cyber-sex that it seemed impossible that our meetings would be anything but extraordinary. I'm surprised they gave me another chance to bed them, frankly, and I'm equally surprised that I went through the torture of trying to get off with them. I guess I had something to prove, namely that I didn't, indeed, have any kind of ED. Both affairs were short-lived, thankfully, and unsurprisingly. After both I felt the lowest I had ever felt in my life. My wife found out about the affairs, but for some inexplicable reason she didn't kick me to the curb. Perhaps she felt/feels guilty for having withdrawn sexually from me for many years. I tried speaking to her about it, but once she was satisfied that the dalliances were over she just got on with life as though nothing whatsoever had happened. Denial? With the fallout of all this drama I got into porn in a big way. My porn use escalated into areas where I previously had no sexually inkling, as I chased the dopamine rush that was ever hard to find. Sometimes it felt like I would need to wrap my dick in barbwire to get any feeling out of it. I recently just learned the term deathgrip and that about explains how brutally I treated my penis. I beat off everyday and often twice, with the occasional foray into a third time. I often felt low after M, but giving into multiple tugs on the pud led to deep depression. I would have to sleep at such times just to get away from myself and my own uselessness. Along with porn use I always fantasized as I made love to a woman. I would always think of someone else and so I was never present in lovemaking. I realize now that my wife probably could tell this on an unconscious level and may well, indeed, have contributed to her becoming unavailable. And, truth be told, there were many times where I preferred to M rather than have real sex. Our lovemaking also became convoluted in the sense that after I had made her O she would then give me a hand job to get me off. Our habit became that and so we stopped having that wonderful sense of us O'ing together. In other words, through our habits we killed off any chance for intimacy. I stopped looking at porn 25 days ago, and though I had some heroic struggles at the beginning, I am, at present, not that tempted to look. I have M'd three times during that time, but have not fantasized at all. I'm astonished that I was able to O without creating some elaborate fantasy, but after a week of no P I had the most fantastic of O's using only a soft blanket instead of my hand. My penis, which had just one week before been as responsive as road-kill, felt sensitive for the first time in years. Wow! The other two O's were also good, though I noticed after the last one that I felt that familiar down sensation and went to bed afterward. A slippery slope? In general, since quitting porn, I have felt incredibly tired. I mean tired all day long. I feel listless inside, unmotivated, yet, I also feel incredibly restless. I have that energy that wants to be used for M'ing. I get pictures in my head of some of my favourite porn stars and scenes, which I dismiss as quickly as I can. I know that I have wasted so much of life, but at age 56 I'm ready to begin a new journey, hoping that it is not too late to regain intimacy with my wife and also to feel passionate about something...anything. Thanks to those who've read my first offering. I feel encouraged for the first time in many years!