Too horny for my own good! A Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MiddleAgeWanker, Jun 12, 2012.

  1. Hello all!

    Where to start? Well, I'm 51 and have been PMOing since I'm around 13 or so. I first saw porn mags at around age 6 or so. I had 2 older brothers that had some. Lots of exposure to porn throughout my teen years. I saw an old super 8mm film(no sound) of John Holmes boning a girl in the a$$ when I was about 14. Well, that changed everything. Had a few girlfriends in H.S. with a little of this and a little of that.

    Joined the Marines at age 19. Soon after discovered Okinawan, Korean, and Filipino whores ( they were called LBFMs, "little brown fucking machines"). After my service, I had a few hot girlfriends before I met my wife at age 29. I've been happily married for almost 19 yrs. at this point.

    There were times throughout my 20s that I had various porn mags and so forth. I figured I needed them since I was always hornier than my girlfriends were ( well, maybe not the flight attendant, but she was gone half the time.) I've never cheated on any of them, including my wife. BUT, I have always felt I cheated with porn. I've always exercised and just wrote it off as being overly horny and in good shape.

    Well, with the advent of the internet, which I had access to at the start back in the old AOL days of dial-up, things started to change for me. All the fucking porn I wanted at my finger tips. When high speed cable came to my area (about 14 yrs. ago), well, you know the story. At this point, it's been several years of almost daily use while trying to stay turned on/tuned in to my wife. She's a very attractive woman but I've gotten so used to her. It's weird how your brain works. I know it has made me make love to my wife less because I'm getting to old for her and all this porn shit.
    Something's got to go and it's not going to be her. I love her too much for this shit to ruin things.

    I've had very few episodes of ED and always blamed it on alcohol ( true on occasions), or being tired or whatever. I believe it is partly blamed on desensitization and my brain being altered. I've spent quite a bit of time on YBOP and it all makes perfect sense to me. I'm on day 3 of no PMO.

    I've always been very responsive to any woman I've been involved with. I'm not a player though. I've had some long relationships before my wife. I was in love with them each time. Don't like what I've been experiencing lately. Lack of desire for my fine wife, lethargy, and sometimes mild depression. Porn is a "life stealer" if you don't fight back.. Thanks for all who contribute here. It's encouraging. Wish me luck on this new journey of fixing my brain.
     
  2. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mid,
    I'm 52, been married twice, have a girlfriend and have been at the porn for about 35 years.
    We could tell eachother some interesting, embarrassing and pitiful stories.
    But I'm not here for pity. I'm here for a fight. (check my journal "winning")
    If you're serious about wanting to reboot I'll give you support and maybe some tough love.
    Keep posting here.
    Gettingthere
     
  3. I appreciate finally getting a response GT. Yes, we could swap stories about the evolution of porn over these last 35 yrs. We were using before many on this forum were born. But, hey, we're all in the living hell of it now, right? Young, middle aged, or old, porn doesn't discriminate. It captures the mind of all.

    I wasn't sure about my username. I thought that it might conjure up some image of an old, pitiful, disgusting guy jacking off all over himself. The reality is that I'm often told I look 35 and actually get flirted with quite a bit. I'm graying some, but I'm 6', 190 lbs. So, I present myself well. But that really doesn't matter. I'm selfish and addicted. I'm old enough to be a father to many here but I'm still just as fucked up. (err...my brain is..) Today is day 4 of no PMO. My wife came home with a migraine so no action for me today. That's okay. I'm flatlining a bit anyway. Cheers!

    P.S. Would really like to go to one of my favorite sites and initiate a projectile load of spunk, even though I'm really not horny. My mind is telling me I need it. Sick, huh?
     
  4. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Hey Mid,
    Same age here and your story sounds familiar. Spent a fair amount of time in Oki, Phillippines and Korea myself. LBFM's, how funny, haven't heard that in a long time. Two divorces and been married now to the third for 20 years, poor wife, I cheated her out of many years with this addiction. Lucky for me our lives are more than sex, but with that said, I plan on giving her 20 years of good stuff to make up for it. This addiction sucks but the future is bright. Going on my fourth week, flatlining since day 2. I think my little buddy thinks I've abandoned him. But from what I read it suppose to come back, here's hoping. Good luck on your journey!
     
  5. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mid,
    This is kinda fun in a warped way. It is interesting to think we were there when porn for the masses truly started.
    Look how far we've "progressed". It's pathetic but we can support eachother here.
    I'm still dealing with the sense of loss from all the time and relationships I've squandered.

    Unbelievably I think, because of this site, I've been able to come to terms with my shame. That was an unbelievable burden that I was dragging around. For that help alone, I'd recommend reading and writing your journal.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  6. Thanks Raiduh! Your "little buddy" comment made me LMAO. It's so true! We really develop a close bonding with our wangs! I still miss those LBFMs, I gotta admit. Go to the Philippines with $500 and live like a KING for 2 weeks. I guess inflation's ruined that a bit. :'( Oh well, no PMO for the wankster today.
     
  7. Yes! How proud we must be! We were on the cutting edge of MASSturbation. It's like I told my neighbors, "Hey, I was the first one here. I brought in the electricity, the cable yada yada yada. BUT,
    I don't think I'll be sharing this particular distinction of being a porn "Fapping Founding Father" with them.
    Peace!
     
  8. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mid,
    Hahahaha, that was great.."Fapping Founding Father".
    It is rough cutting this crap out of our diet. It tastes good but gives you the squirts. lol
    Seriously, the PMO can be a real brain trap.
    I've been trying to clear my brain for 100 days it's a real bear.
    You must be at one week brother. Keep going.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  9. Day 6 of no PMO. Mentally it's tough. Physically, well, I guess I'm flatlining a bit. (unless my wife walks around the house too long in panties :p ) I'm trying to stay busy as I can today as a healthy distraction. Being home alone with the fastest internet money can buy doesn't help. BUT, I'm actually feeling mentally strong today( Pride cometh before the fall :() So.... we'll see. Other than the usual aches and pains, feeling pretty good .

    Thanks to you few guys who've posted support. It means a lot.

    Peace!
     
  10. Raiduh

    Raiduh New Member

    Hey Mid, congrats on day 6. Days at home alone are my biggest challenge. I haven't done this much work around the house since who knows when ;D. It feels good to get it done though and keeps my mind from getting on the highway to jerkville ;D Still waiting for the little guy to get his stuff together but other than that still feeling a lot better about things. Stay strong, these journals sure help me, if nothing else knowing I'm not the only one going through it.
     
  11. Day 9 of no PMO. Still waiting for the axe to fall on my phyche. Trying to stay busy and mentally engaged. Had a good hour on the treadmill this a.m. Seems I've been flatling I guess. (but maybe not! :-\)
     
  12. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mid,
    You're right. Pride came and so did my fall yesterday.
    My gf broke up with me. (I'm not really sure who did the breaking up.)
    So I relapsed into a full blown all-day PMO binge.
    I guess I'm not exactly giving you much inspiration here brother.
    I'll shut up.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  13. My words were a self fulfilling prophecy. I was feeling pretty confident after only a measly week. I edged last night for about 90 min. and then PMO'd today not once but twice. In between sessions I worked out for an hour. Just couldn't get enough "dope". So, you're not alone. This is going to be harder (no pun intended) than I thought. :-[
     
  14. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Mid, hang in there my friend. If it were easy, we would not be lifelong PMO addicts. Keep your spirits up and kick tis addiction to the curb!
     
  15. Thanks MAN! It's just that "me so horny. I want to love me long time".

    Seriously, it's tough but like Randy Jackson would say about me, "He's in it to win it dog!"
     
  16. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mid,
    Ain't this shit a bitch!
    Well back to square one. I'm on day 2.
    It's probably not a good idea to throw in the towel yet.
    I've got a fair amount of skin in the game (over 103 days and 2 relapses.)
    Sorry to hear that you relapsed brother.
    I don't have to tell you that we've been doing this dance for a heck of a long time.
    We know how to 2-step and double 2-step and lie and make excuses.
    It's got to stop. We've got to change the damn chanel and hear a different tune.
    That same ole song and dance just ain't cuttin it.

    Let's stroll. If we have to just stand up and move.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  17. Had a good workout this morning and a productive day of working my business ( in between being here a few times ::) ). Day 2 of No PMOing. I'm debating on whether to try K9 or not. I'm going to test my will power for a while and see what happens. My business has always been somewhat stressful even though I have a lot of control over how things go. Sometimes I think the PMOing has been a real stress reliever that unexpectedly hi-jacked my brain. I've been a user for at least 35 yrs.
     
  18. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Hi, Middle
    Come on again.
    Its a healing process. There are not recipes. We are learning together and supporting each other.
    Try to take it easy and do the journey on daily bases.
    And be kind with yourself.
    Good luck and I ll keep reading your journal
     
  19. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    why not give K9 a try? no need to test your will power at this early stage in the game. Us old bastards need every trick we can muster :)
     
  20. Pilgrim,

    Thanks for your interest and advice. I like what you said about take one day at a time. Kinda like AA, except you're staying sober from porn.

    MAN,

    The will power thing is a tough one after so many years. But, since I could quit smoking, who knows? I'm sure I'd just constantly hi-jack the K9. I don't like the idea of a unknown password that I would destroy. Pretty drastic for my 3 computers and Blackberry which I all use for work. I know I could just make it really inconvenient to get to ( like the far corner of my attic). ::)
     

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