Tony's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by NewHorizon, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Today's one of these days when everything seems to fit fine. I have drive. For some reason anxiety is bouncing around but has nothing to parasitize. Nothing to be anxious about for me means I've just given up somehow. But that's far from acurate! I'm owning it. This jittery/anxious sensation will subside once my brain realize I have it under control and I'm not giving up on my dreams at all. Far from it. I'm just handling the situation from a very confident place. My side project, my relationship, p, it all falls into place and I'm improving on every front. I even have time to spend some with a friend of mine. I started running again yesterday, it had been a month. I went at it this morning. I'm now journaling the whole process! I bought a little notebook where I wrote my belief that "I'm a runner" on the front page, my motivations to run and my montly goals. Something I had never done before with this hobby. Journaling works! I had journaled my drug, cigs and alcohol intake before I stopped altogether and it helped tremendously. It helped me see that I was not able to effectively cut back and control the substances in my life.
    On another note, my project has take an "unexpected" turn. A lot of emotional involvement was just lifted off my shoulders. I now see the project as a process. I'm not outcome oriented, rather process oriented. It lifted a weight and allowed me to see that I was pushing in the wrong direction. It's the same with the p journey. The process is very important and focussing on the outcome is detrimental. I guess that is what really clicked in me in the past few days. It stemmed from a "ah-ah" moment in my project but I realize it's also stemming from the p journey. Everything is intermingled. It was long time coming but it's now clearly defined in my mind and usable as a core belief of mine.
    Looking forward to implement this state of mind as my default mode. I'm am a runner. I am confident in my ability to succeed because I have the keys to change my behavior.

    Thanks doanl, much appreciated reply. My relationship is my biggest drive to quit p for good. I've seen the effect it has on my end of the relationship. Watching p has a disconnecting effect. Stoping has a connecting effect. It stengthen the bond. This addiction is a proverbial demon that grows out of despair and desolation (and isolation). Yesterday I just had a realization how bad p is. It just propelled the sexual norm to a really sordid extreme. 12 years old are watching that stuff. They wire their brain to this. They get addicted. They disconnect from the real life stimulus. They become walking zombie with no emotions, unable to connect with anyone. It's not a sci-fi novel I'm writing, it's the reality and I dont even exagerate! Not only p fuel this disconnection but a lot of other stuff, social medias for example.
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  2. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I just needed to vent and focus on something for a moment. This message is not really relevant.

    Yesterday I m'd. For some reason, it's always when I'm very driven that those things happen. I went to see a friend and spend the night talking with him and his brother about anything. Once I came back home, it was later than I usually go to sleep. This big urge hit me full force and I resisted it. I had just given my friend some advices on how to stop smoking and I felt like the biggest fraud : not able to handle my own struggle.
    I was a step away from opening the laptop. At that moment I just allowed myself to m. I stopped the thinking, put blinkers on and I was going to m to stop the urge.
    This morning, I woke up and I dreamt that I found p pictures in my girlfriend's room and the sensatio was strange. It aroused me yet I was kind of jealous / angry at the thought.
    I could not remember my dream at first but I woke up with an urge again. I had not slept well, my mood was low, probably because I went to sleep at aroun 1:30 while I usually dont go passed midnight.
    My urge was intense and I decided to m again but I remembered my dream and the feeling I had towards my girlfriend in the dream and it just made me realize I did not want to m. So I start my day (I work on the computer at home) and the urge just comes back. I start going on pinterest, I try to catch some pictures. Finally I just close it all and come back to my senses. I'm not going to do that, I want to heal.
    So yeah, I m'd yesterday night, almost did it again this morning and almost relapsed to p. Usually when I'm in this mode it's a full blown relapse but not today. I'm pushing this farther this time.

    Today I will not run. I injured my legs going at it too hard in the early spring. I had to take a break. Now that I'm back at it I don't want the pain to come back too strong. I settled to do reps at home during these recuperation days. I will do that and I'll also go for a walk.

    I will read a success story also, I find that it helps me stay on track. I decided to read one every day. there are 27 pages in this sections so I should not run out of stories before the end of the year. :p
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2019
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Personally I wouldn't worry to much about the MO.

    It's definitely a win you stayed off the P so good work there !

    By the way, when I'm high energy and feeling good, I can get some crazy sudden urges too. And then it's tricky cause they feel quite "healthy" (not like the ones you feel when you feel really bad about something or yourself) and on top of that you have a voice in your head saying "you deserve it".

    Tricky tricky stuff :D

    Saw it a while back, but I remember I enjoyed the movie your avatar is from :)
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  4. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thanks for your reply man. Yeah I see it as a win also!

    The "bad vibes" urges I have less trouble avoiding them because I know they're not healthy. But in a good mood when the urge hit it's definitely more tricky. It comes from a place of appreciation of womens. It seems to be healthy but it's not because it's objectification. I did not full blown relapse, which is a very good thing. I have to stay vigilant.

    "Dont activate the brain pathways". That's some simple yet powerful reminder. Once they are activated it means craving. Just focussing too much on avoiding on a day to day basis can become a trigger. It's a constant reminder and light stimulation of the brain "structure" associated with the p addiction.

    That movie is one of, if not my favorite movie. It talks about loving the process, being in the moment and perserverance in the face of incertainty. The name is The peaceful warrior. It's based on a novel which I have not read.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think I know exactly what you mean.

    I guess (IMO) they are probably, at least in part, healthy (and not addictive) sensations.

    However for individuals with addictive pathways they will lead back to a compulsive usage soon enough. Like an old known road.

    It's like getting some capital to invest after behaving well for a couple of days.

    You can invest it in a good or a bad place.

    A bad place would be to waste it on a P binge.

    Whereas a good place would be to invest this capital, this energy, with a loving partner.

    Yep I remember it :D I should check it out again sometime. I liked the "zen master" old guy's character. And also how the young cocky gymnast progressed after his injury. Learning to let go, accept things, and become more humble.
  6. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I feel like the biggest "mistake" I'm making over and over in my relationship is constantly being on the lookout for a proof that I'm loved. I sabotage the relationship just to see if I'm worth the effort. It's starting to take its toll on us.

    It's not easy realizing this nor admitting it, even less knowing what to do with it. All I know right now is I have a wonderful girl, I'm not a bad deal either, we love each other very much and are willing to make it work but it cannot work if we dont tune some things up, concretely.

    I understand my girlfriend when she told me she started to have doubt about our future because of the constant commotion (she did not said it in a threatening way, I just want her to be honest with me and she had the courage to tell me the truth : the constant "fights" are creating distance). I believe her on a rational level when she says she loves me and I understand her doubts about our future. I'm just in such a deep pain. The problem is we have the capacity for destruction with our two usual behaviors combined (the so called dynamic). We always shut down for the craziest reasons and we both wont open up unless the other do the first step, which we happen to not do until it's too late and we're both in tears and putting the relationship at stakes. I know for a fact that I'm doing it for attention. Her, I dont know, it could very well be for the same reason. It just happens. We're probably two young immature folks.

    I have a deep rooted belief that I'm unlovable. I'm always on the lookout for either confirmation or refutation of this belief.

    I know we have something beautiful going. It breaks my heart that I'm constantly being such an idiot. It's like I love the pain and my old ways.

    For me, it's coming from a place of appreciation of the women, not fantasizing, fetishizing, just pure lust for the beauty of women and the ladies parts. I think it's certainly natural (at least for a heterosexual) but for me anything related to solo sex is a problem. That's why I have a problem with m too, as in I dont fully accept m in my reboot. It's because it's so intermingled with p (for me) that it just activates the pathways I want to shrink. But sometimes it can be healthy to m. It's better to m than to watch p for 2 hours. o_O

    Well said ;):cool::D

    I'll watch the movie again soon.:)
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
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  7. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Long rambling incoming. Feel free to skip to the last sentence.

    I just came home from a day out on a boat on a lake with the sun and all. I feel drained. It was my brother's friend boat. His friends don't have exactly the same values as I do. That's why I took my distances in the past. I feel completely out of it.

    For some reason I feel drained. I have to cook supper and I could not care less. I need to get out of that mental space, it's draining me. It's anxiety at its peak. I think it may partially stem from the "arguing" I had my my girlfriend during the weekend. I dont want to lose her, but I feel I might lose her and it's the worst feeling ever. I love her, so much in fact. What can I do? Nothing. Certainly not become the shell of a man. I feel dependant of her. I'm addicted to everything in this world. I'm addicted to love. I want love. I want her to be there, I want to be sure she loves me and everything will be alright yet I dont want to ask for it. I already did so much damage to the relationship, exposing my worst fears and crying my heart out in front of her. I feel like a loser who's going to get ditched to the curb. It's all so irrational. The emotions are so lasting and ever present. On a logical level I know they are destructive and I need to loosen up the knot in my heart. I need to stop pulling and let it slide by itself. Everything will be alright. I know she loves me. I dont even know what's going on in my head. I feel mentally insane. I'm rambling since the beginning of this post. I'm in such emotional pain. That's the reason we argue all the time. It creates a fucked up dynamic. Because I'm in so much pain. I dont know what to do with it. I feel like a little boy trapped in his backyard playhouse at night with a thousand monsters crawling outside. Completely terrified to go out.


    My "issue" is the emotional pain. I always feel left out. I always feel a lack of love. I need proofs that she loves me on a daily basis. Yet I'm trying to act like nothing's happening in my head. It creates the biggest divide between my actions and emotions. Sometimes I erupt, feel unloved, start threatening the relationship just to see if she makes a move, then I feel so much pain for letting that happen. The last time, after I fell on bed and stopped talking for a good 15 minutes and droped the "I'm hurting, emotionally", tears start falling from her eyes. She take her courage and ask me " you want us to part ways?" crying her heart out. I start crying, I'm in even more pain, I say "no", we cry... "do you?"... "No `but I started doubting our future and it hurts I love you but I fear these disputes". I dont know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm crazy. I love this girl. I want her in my life.

    The reason I'm opening up so much (yes, I know, it's very ugly), is because I need to vent somewhere. I fear losing her yet I'm always frustrated. All I want is her to be head over heels for me. I want some control yet all I keep doing is losing it.

    Edit: to an extent it feels like p gave me some control. That's not a reason to relapse though. p also creates a trench between us. Disonnection.
  8. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done Tony. Keep it coming bro :)
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  10. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

  11. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I have not write here in a long time. I kidn of grew afraid to come here :eek:

    Things are going great! I'm recently learning to let go of the bs! :)

    Not long ago my life was a drama. I took it as such. I was ruminating all day on the negative, trying to "fix" everything as if I were going to be happy ever after. Guess what? the more you rumiante, the more bs comes into the picture. It's self sabotage 101.

    I'm cultivating the little things. I force myself to see the positive side of things! Fuck, life is not a god damn drama, it's a comedy! :D

    I recently started to wake earlier and develop a mornign routine. I read this book, "The miracle morning" and it inspired me a lot to do so. It's simple : create a morning routine that fits you and put you in a good mood to start your day and to face life. Write shit down, read, meditate, visualize yourself doing things that you want with no obstacles, cultivate positivity and exercise. That's just what I eneded ! I was stuck in a rut and enless loop of negative shit. I was ruminating all day long, creating scenarios, cultivating the negative aspect of things.

    We had a rough patch my girlfriend and I but things are settling down! I completely made a 180 turn. Shit, I dotn want to go in detaisl because I dont want to ruminate the negative any more. :eek: I was basically trying to change her, seeing the negative everywhere, etc. A relationship does not work like that! It needs room to expand and grow! It needs mutual trust. Constant confrontation on perceived flaws is the killer. I just decided to let go and enjoy the ride! Sex is improving, we decided to go at it on a predetermined schedule and it's been a blast so far! :)

    Fuck p, fuck negativity! Fuck depression, fuck anxiety! :cool:

    I found a men's group in my area and contacted them, I'll be enrolling today I think! I need to see people and I dont have many men in my life (outside of here). I need new healthy models!

    This morning during my routine I focussed on happiness. I choose to be happy. Usually I self sabotage whenever I feel a little bit of happiness. Because happiness means disaster incoming! That's why I was constantly trying to pick up on negative aspect of things, because I wanted to one up life at the hapiness game. If i'm constantly on the lookout for negative shit, it's no surprise when shit hits the fan. "I told you" . So yeah, I choose to be happy. I engage to consciously change any negative thoughts I have at the exact moment I'm mindful of it. Fuck negativity. I deserve to be happy when the feeling comes. I'm making huge efforts to be an actual man and proud of who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm heading towards the good direction.

    The key word here is : Positivity. :)
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  12. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Today is the 39th day since I last watched P. Niceeeee. :)

    Shit I would like to write in here but every time I come, I have nothing that comes to mind. I have a personal journal in which I write a lot.

    I want it to be upbeat I want people to feel the good vibe of stoping pmo. Pmo is shit !

    Shoutout to @Saville because his journal is a godamn inspiration. I'm on page 34 or 35 I think, I'm going through the whole thing for sure. I relate to his story, even though I'm with my girlfriend since only a year lol and he's with his wife since prehistory I think :rolleyes:. I reread No more mr nice guy because of him. Shit, I know this book is insane good advice but I have a lot of difficulty putting myself first.

    I know deep down that a relationship is two individuals caring for their own, mastering their own life and simply sharing it together. It's not asking for proof of love or withdraw them or see things all dramatic all the time. uuuuh :eek:

    I'm at this cross road where I need to take care of myself if I want a chance that my relationship grows out of the abyss. I love my girl but she's tired of the BS. Somehow I'm all stuck in touchy feely stuff and acting dramatic all the time. I'm anxious like crazy and just the thought of spending time together pumps the anxiety to the roof now because I associated it with our past quibbles ( and particularly the ones where she tells me she dont see herself with me in a long term relationship or has feelings for a coworker that she has seen once, and has not these feelings with me anynmore). Somehow she reads into my anxious mind and it's a downward spiral (often, not always). I dont know, I want to stay with her but she makes me a pathetic anxious bag of shit. I'm afraid she grew tired of the relationship. I'm afraid that we might be living in dream land right now. I'm anxiouuuuuuuuuuuus godamn. Someone tell me what to do, how can I improve my relationship. Fuck. It was such a great relationship! The way it started, our mutual trust ( which is the reason she overshared those things).

    OK. No more mr toxic shit. Sometimes it can be good to exorcise the demon writing the dark stuff but it's enough right now. I want to evolve. I taught I knew what I enjoy, but these days I can hardly stay focussed on anything. I have no pleasure at all.

    Me quiting P coincide with a bad time in my relationship. I'm anxious over the top. Yet I did not even consider it might be the P withdrawal. Does it even exist? I was watching (binging) intermitently to this point, not regular consumption. I dont know if the withdrawal would be the same. Is it even relevant? I dont think so. I need to watch my back, develop myself, stay positive, pursue my interests (what interests?) . All these things ya know. :)

    Anyone else ruminating all day long? :p I need to focus on myself.
  13. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I’m ruminating a lot these days too man.

    First off, congrats on being about 40 days without the P that’s great stuff. Relationship or not, that is building up a stronger you (since you identify P as being bad for you which it probably is lol).

    Regarding the GF, now I’m no expert and I’ll reply because you asked for some opinions, but if she told you those things it means she still has trust and is open to working things out. Best is you realize your relationship is in trouble (I mean be realistic about it) and see what you can do from here. Sometimes becoming too desperate isn’t the best thing either. It’s hard to gage. But basically, take corrective action. You are in the best position to know what you can do to improve things with her. But again, accept and realize the relationship needs serious work done on it, and see what can be done.

    In my humble opinion – best thing you could do is (1) to keep working on improving yourself and becoming a brighter version of yourself – self acceptance, good habits, self honesty – interests - growing (but remember that this should come for yourself before for a relationship – I mean the commitment to change has to be for yourself first and foremost, the rest is side effect good stuff) – and (2) be nice and kind and loving with your girl but don’t become needy or desperate (may turn her off). I made this mistake when I tried to get my ex back and I think it did more harm then good. I became too desperate. It’s a tough pill to swallow but there is a point when there is nothing you can really do anymore, or at least harder to do the right thing. And at that point best thing is to be noble about it (IMHO) and keep on with your own stuff. She may come back but if you plead too much you’ll push her away (possibly). But you may not be here yet.

    The fact that you are trying to improve, staying off P, that’s great stuff man. But make sure you’re not doing it just for the relationship. She’ll see that through. You have to change for yourself. That’s what girls like I think, a guy who does his best to be his best version. And then they want to be with him.

    Again, if she told you those things (which are “ouchy”) well it means she’s open with you and still maybe wants to work things out. It's a good sign but it's also an alarm I would think.

    Finally - for the feeling crappy after 40 days without P (withdrawals or not) I think it's essential we build up, develop, other emotional coping mechanisms to come help out when we feel difficult emotions. Stuff like exercise, meditation maybe, connecting with friends in a healthy way, developing some authentic interests, journal, going out on your own and exploring your city. Whatever works but in time if you build up good positive habits, it gets easier to combat the shitty feelings one uses P to numb. Another thing is to learn more and more to accept these feelings, welcome them - feel them. But I imagine you know this stuff.

    This is a link from a Recovery Nation workshop lesson and it talks about building up other methods of dealing with stress and how the more those methods are aligned with your values as a person (defined by you) the more they will help out in managing stress of life without the need to manage it with the addiction. The graphs in the link helped me understand the principle. I'm posting it here in case it may help you a bit.

    I wish you good luck man !
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
  15. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I appreciate your support @Thelongwayhome27 as always, I'll check out the link you provided. Thanks for tour advices, it's pretry much spot on. ;)

    My relationship is in better shape than I usually obsess over. There was a time in mid july where things felt "at stake" but it has settled. My girl just had enough of shouldering my anxiety all the time. She was acting like an enabler, allowing me to puke all kind of fears in the mutual space and allowing me to seek reassurance from her. It was the receipe for a disaster. She at first simply wanted to help though.

    Now I take care of my own stuff and I tell her when the storm has pass. There is no other way.

    I'm basically obsessing over stuff all the time. It's chemical. Before obsessing over my relationship, it was hocd.

    So yeah... I finally decided to get medicated. I couldnt take it anymore. The medication stops the flow of thoughts a bit, it allows me to "choose" more what I want to to think about. It's a victory for me, believe it or not.

    My main concern in my my relationship -- you guessed it -- is sex. Theres a saying that basically goes like this : "when you have it, sex is not very important in the relationship but when it stops, it becomes very important". It sums up the struggle I was facing ; my girl couldnt get wet anymore due to pressure on my part. She felt anxious during sex since I was such a toddler around the subject.

    "She's not into it? It must be because I'm unattractive to her. I will start an argument to find out"

    This is what I used to do, maybe over 100 times during the course of last year. I'm crazy.

    Eventually with all my demands and and appropriating OUR sexual life all to my own little selfish self ego, she had a hard time getting turned on, avoiding the subject at all costs.

    I had to make a U turn mid july to start a real process of growing up and owning my shit. It's my shit. :cool:

    All in all she has ALWAYS been supportive and comprehensive. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

    I stopped expecting sex and feeling entitled to have it. Gradually I tried to show her by various ways that I was owning up my sex life and I did not expect anything from her. I truly did, I did not just do it for her. I want to be in in control of my urges and not feel obligated to act them out. I showed her that I had messed up and I wanted to change.

    Yesterday something magical happened. I did not even think of it. It was the morning and I was feeling a bit grumpy. We woke up early for the sake of it. We go at my place to drop some stuff and she sits next to to, we both start kissing passionately. I fool around, not even thinking about the "destination". At one point she asks " what do we do (all enthusiastically)" I respond, kind of in surprise " it's up to you", I had zero expectation. We kiss some more and she gets up, takes my hand and we go in my room. She was ready down there and it was amazing!

    As a nice guy, I have a tendency to self validate through sex and see in black and white. When we have sex, the relationship is good, if we dont, it's bad. I'm working on changing that, at least accepting the shitty feelings and seeing them for what they are : nothing special. Just noise. Anxiety. It's chemical.


    oh, also i stopped the useless drama (i tend to over dramatize very normal situations, out of habit) and now our relationship is more fun, more simple. I believe it has to be simple. I just bear my share of the emotional load and shut up about mostly every negative stuff, except when i allow myself and it has to be a quick 15 mins conversation maximum, before 17:00 because after that, I'm literally crazy. o_O:D
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2019
  16. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I think this is solid advice man. At least, it's the way I see things. I know deep down I love her and and she does too
    It's my anxiety and obsession that gets in the way. The relationship cant be healthy it I keep obseasing over it, or over anything else for that matter
    I need to be present and understanding, seeing her needs. I was too caught up obsessing to rightly care for her. I did my best but it did not always come from a place of understanding her, rather it felt disconnected sometimes because I would always filter everything through the ocd lense.

    Right now I want to express myself fully. I want to exteriorize who I am. I need to get out of my comfort zone. I commited to make a friend this semester at uni. We're all ok just the way we are, the thing is to learn to be ok with it and exteriorize it with no shame
    Shame is holding me back.
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  17. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I just realized something major. As I said in the previous post, I'm now medicated in order to stop the flow of thoughts. While the constant rumination is easier to handle and I'm even able to quiet it, the feeling in my abdomen has not subsided. I realize right now that this uneasy feeling (anxiety) in my stomach is my default mode. I even think it might be the cause of my ruminations.

    The thoughts and physical sensations are intermingled but I now think the physical sensation is the precursor.

    I feel bad in my body so my mind settles on some perceived flaw in my life and tries to solve it. It's just how it works, "nature abhors a vacuum". But the problem is simply the anxiety and ruminating cannot overcome it. Ruminating simply wears me out and I feel even shittier because yes the thoughts and anxiety are intermingled to some level. It creates new problem that are not there in the first place and keeps me in a infinite loop of anxiety.

    My problem is feeling like shit all the time in my abdomen, and no amount of rumination can overcome it.

    What I need to adress is being ok with the anxiety and knowing that it's just there. It's a feeling, a shitty one, but it does not mean anything in my case. I'm just always cranked. It's chemical. It is useless to adress my "problems" mentally. I need some action and that's it.

    I'm ruminating on all sorts of crap because I feel like shit, not the other way around (at first).

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