Tony's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by NewHorizon, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Today's one of these days when everything seems to fit fine. I have drive. For some reason anxiety is bouncing around but has nothing to parasitize. Nothing to be anxious about for me means I've just given up somehow. But that's far from acurate! I'm owning it. This jittery/anxious sensation will subside once my brain realize I have it under control and I'm not giving up on my dreams at all. Far from it. I'm just handling the situation from a very confident place. My side project, my relationship, p, it all falls into place and I'm improving on every front. I even have time to spend some with a friend of mine. I started running again yesterday, it had been a month. I went at it this morning. I'm now journaling the whole process! I bought a little notebook where I wrote my belief that "I'm a runner" on the front page, my motivations to run and my montly goals. Something I had never done before with this hobby. Journaling works! I had journaled my drug, cigs and alcohol intake before I stopped altogether and it helped tremendously. It helped me see that I was not able to effectively cut back and control the substances in my life.
    On another note, my project has take an "unexpected" turn. A lot of emotional involvement was just lifted off my shoulders. I now see the project as a process. I'm not outcome oriented, rather process oriented. It lifted a weight and allowed me to see that I was pushing in the wrong direction. It's the same with the p journey. The process is very important and focussing on the outcome is detrimental. I guess that is what really clicked in me in the past few days. It stemmed from a "ah-ah" moment in my project but I realize it's also stemming from the p journey. Everything is intermingled. It was long time coming but it's now clearly defined in my mind and usable as a core belief of mine.
    Looking forward to implement this state of mind as my default mode. I'm am a runner. I am confident in my ability to succeed because I have the keys to change my behavior.

    Thanks doanl, much appreciated reply. My relationship is my biggest drive to quit p for good. I've seen the effect it has on my end of the relationship. Watching p has a disconnecting effect. Stoping has a connecting effect. It stengthen the bond. This addiction is a proverbial demon that grows out of despair and desolation (and isolation). Yesterday I just had a realization how bad p is. It just propelled the sexual norm to a really sordid extreme. 12 years old are watching that stuff. They wire their brain to this. They get addicted. They disconnect from the real life stimulus. They become walking zombie with no emotions, unable to connect with anyone. It's not a sci-fi novel I'm writing, it's the reality and I dont even exagerate! Not only p fuel this disconnection but a lot of other stuff, social medias for example.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I just needed to vent and focus on something for a moment. This message is not really relevant.

    Yesterday I m'd. For some reason, it's always when I'm very driven that those things happen. I went to see a friend and spend the night talking with him and his brother about anything. Once I came back home, it was later than I usually go to sleep. This big urge hit me full force and I resisted it. I had just given my friend some advices on how to stop smoking and I felt like the biggest fraud : not able to handle my own struggle.
    I was a step away from opening the laptop. At that moment I just allowed myself to m. I stopped the thinking, put blinkers on and I was going to m to stop the urge.
    This morning, I woke up and I dreamt that I found p pictures in my girlfriend's room and the sensatio was strange. It aroused me yet I was kind of jealous / angry at the thought.
    I could not remember my dream at first but I woke up with an urge again. I had not slept well, my mood was low, probably because I went to sleep at aroun 1:30 while I usually dont go passed midnight.
    My urge was intense and I decided to m again but I remembered my dream and the feeling I had towards my girlfriend in the dream and it just made me realize I did not want to m. So I start my day (I work on the computer at home) and the urge just comes back. I start going on pinterest, I try to catch some pictures. Finally I just close it all and come back to my senses. I'm not going to do that, I want to heal.
    So yeah, I m'd yesterday night, almost did it again this morning and almost relapsed to p. Usually when I'm in this mode it's a full blown relapse but not today. I'm pushing this farther this time.

    Today I will not run. I injured my legs going at it too hard in the early spring. I had to take a break. Now that I'm back at it I don't want the pain to come back too strong. I settled to do reps at home during these recuperation days. I will do that and I'll also go for a walk.

    I will read a success story also, I find that it helps me stay on track. I decided to read one every day. there are 27 pages in this sections so I should not run out of stories before the end of the year. :p
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2019
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Personally I wouldn't worry to much about the MO.

    It's definitely a win you stayed off the P so good work there !

    By the way, when I'm high energy and feeling good, I can get some crazy sudden urges too. And then it's tricky cause they feel quite "healthy" (not like the ones you feel when you feel really bad about something or yourself) and on top of that you have a voice in your head saying "you deserve it".

    Tricky tricky stuff :D

    Saw it a while back, but I remember I enjoyed the movie your avatar is from :)
    NewHorizon likes this.
  4. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thanks for your reply man. Yeah I see it as a win also!

    The "bad vibes" urges I have less trouble avoiding them because I know they're not healthy. But in a good mood when the urge hit it's definitely more tricky. It comes from a place of appreciation of womens. It seems to be healthy but it's not because it's objectification. I did not full blown relapse, which is a very good thing. I have to stay vigilant.

    "Dont activate the brain pathways". That's some simple yet powerful reminder. Once they are activated it means craving. Just focussing too much on avoiding on a day to day basis can become a trigger. It's a constant reminder and light stimulation of the brain "structure" associated with the p addiction.

    That movie is one of, if not my favorite movie. It talks about loving the process, being in the moment and perserverance in the face of incertainty. The name is The peaceful warrior. It's based on a novel which I have not read.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think I know exactly what you mean.

    I guess (IMO) they are probably, at least in part, healthy (and not addictive) sensations.

    However for individuals with addictive pathways they will lead back to a compulsive usage soon enough. Like an old known road.

    It's like getting some capital to invest after behaving well for a couple of days.

    You can invest it in a good or a bad place.

    A bad place would be to waste it on a P binge.

    Whereas a good place would be to invest this capital, this energy, with a loving partner.

    Yep I remember it :D I should check it out again sometime. I liked the "zen master" old guy's character. And also how the young cocky gymnast progressed after his injury. Learning to let go, accept things, and become more humble.
  6. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I feel like the biggest "mistake" I'm making over and over in my relationship is constantly being on the lookout for a proof that I'm loved. I sabotage the relationship just to see if I'm worth the effort. It's starting to take its toll on us.

    It's not easy realizing this nor admitting it, even less knowing what to do with it. All I know right now is I have a wonderful girl, I'm not a bad deal either, we love each other very much and are willing to make it work but it cannot work if we dont tune some things up, concretely.

    I understand my girlfriend when she told me she started to have doubt about our future because of the constant commotion (she did not said it in a threatening way, I just want her to be honest with me and she had the courage to tell me the truth : the constant "fights" are creating distance). I believe her on a rational level when she says she loves me and I understand her doubts about our future. I'm just in such a deep pain. The problem is we have the capacity for destruction with our two usual behaviors combined (the so called dynamic). We always shut down for the craziest reasons and we both wont open up unless the other do the first step, which we happen to not do until it's too late and we're both in tears and putting the relationship at stakes. I know for a fact that I'm doing it for attention. Her, I dont know, it could very well be for the same reason. It just happens. We're probably two young immature folks.

    I have a deep rooted belief that I'm unlovable. I'm always on the lookout for either confirmation or refutation of this belief.

    I know we have something beautiful going. It breaks my heart that I'm constantly being such an idiot. It's like I love the pain and my old ways.

    For me, it's coming from a place of appreciation of the women, not fantasizing, fetishizing, just pure lust for the beauty of women and the ladies parts. I think it's certainly natural (at least for a heterosexual) but for me anything related to solo sex is a problem. That's why I have a problem with m too, as in I dont fully accept m in my reboot. It's because it's so intermingled with p (for me) that it just activates the pathways I want to shrink. But sometimes it can be healthy to m. It's better to m than to watch p for 2 hours. o_O

    Well said ;):cool::D

    I'll watch the movie again soon.:)
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
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  7. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Long rambling incoming. Feel free to skip to the last sentence.

    I just came home from a day out on a boat on a lake with the sun and all. I feel drained. It was my brother's friend boat. His friends don't have exactly the same values as I do. That's why I took my distances in the past. I feel completely out of it.

    For some reason I feel drained. I have to cook supper and I could not care less. I need to get out of that mental space, it's draining me. It's anxiety at its peak. I think it may partially stem from the "arguing" I had my my girlfriend during the weekend. I dont want to lose her, but I feel I might lose her and it's the worst feeling ever. I love her, so much in fact. What can I do? Nothing. Certainly not become the shell of a man. I feel dependant of her. I'm addicted to everything in this world. I'm addicted to love. I want love. I want her to be there, I want to be sure she loves me and everything will be alright yet I dont want to ask for it. I already did so much damage to the relationship, exposing my worst fears and crying my heart out in front of her. I feel like a loser who's going to get ditched to the curb. It's all so irrational. The emotions are so lasting and ever present. On a logical level I know they are destructive and I need to loosen up the knot in my heart. I need to stop pulling and let it slide by itself. Everything will be alright. I know she loves me. I dont even know what's going on in my head. I feel mentally insane. I'm rambling since the beginning of this post. I'm in such emotional pain. That's the reason we argue all the time. It creates a fucked up dynamic. Because I'm in so much pain. I dont know what to do with it. I feel like a little boy trapped in his backyard playhouse at night with a thousand monsters crawling outside. Completely terrified to go out.


    My "issue" is the emotional pain. I always feel left out. I always feel a lack of love. I need proofs that she loves me on a daily basis. Yet I'm trying to act like nothing's happening in my head. It creates the biggest divide between my actions and emotions. Sometimes I erupt, feel unloved, start threatening the relationship just to see if she makes a move, then I feel so much pain for letting that happen. The last time, after I fell on bed and stopped talking for a good 15 minutes and droped the "I'm hurting, emotionally", tears start falling from her eyes. She take her courage and ask me " you want us to part ways?" crying her heart out. I start crying, I'm in even more pain, I say "no", we cry... "do you?"... "No `but I started doubting our future and it hurts I love you but I fear these disputes". I dont know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm crazy. I love this girl. I want her in my life.

    The reason I'm opening up so much (yes, I know, it's very ugly), is because I need to vent somewhere. I fear losing her yet I'm always frustrated. All I want is her to be head over heels for me. I want some control yet all I keep doing is losing it.

    Edit: to an extent it feels like p gave me some control. That's not a reason to relapse though. p also creates a trench between us. Disonnection.
  8. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done Tony. Keep it coming bro :)
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  10. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

  11. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I have not write here in a long time. I kidn of grew afraid to come here :eek:

    Things are going great! I'm recently learning to let go of the bs! :)

    Not long ago my life was a drama. I took it as such. I was ruminating all day on the negative, trying to "fix" everything as if I were going to be happy ever after. Guess what? the more you rumiante, the more bs comes into the picture. It's self sabotage 101.

    I'm cultivating the little things. I force myself to see the positive side of things! Fuck, life is not a god damn drama, it's a comedy! :D

    I recently started to wake earlier and develop a mornign routine. I read this book, "The miracle morning" and it inspired me a lot to do so. It's simple : create a morning routine that fits you and put you in a good mood to start your day and to face life. Write shit down, read, meditate, visualize yourself doing things that you want with no obstacles, cultivate positivity and exercise. That's just what I eneded ! I was stuck in a rut and enless loop of negative shit. I was ruminating all day long, creating scenarios, cultivating the negative aspect of things.

    We had a rough patch my girlfriend and I but things are settling down! I completely made a 180 turn. Shit, I dotn want to go in detaisl because I dont want to ruminate the negative any more. :eek: I was basically trying to change her, seeing the negative everywhere, etc. A relationship does not work like that! It needs room to expand and grow! It needs mutual trust. Constant confrontation on perceived flaws is the killer. I just decided to let go and enjoy the ride! Sex is improving, we decided to go at it on a predetermined schedule and it's been a blast so far! :)

    Fuck p, fuck negativity! Fuck depression, fuck anxiety! :cool:

    I found a men's group in my area and contacted them, I'll be enrolling today I think! I need to see people and I dont have many men in my life (outside of here). I need new healthy models!

    This morning during my routine I focussed on happiness. I choose to be happy. Usually I self sabotage whenever I feel a little bit of happiness. Because happiness means disaster incoming! That's why I was constantly trying to pick up on negative aspect of things, because I wanted to one up life at the hapiness game. If i'm constantly on the lookout for negative shit, it's no surprise when shit hits the fan. "I told you" . So yeah, I choose to be happy. I engage to consciously change any negative thoughts I have at the exact moment I'm mindful of it. Fuck negativity. I deserve to be happy when the feeling comes. I'm making huge efforts to be an actual man and proud of who I am. I'm not perfect but I'm heading towards the good direction.

    The key word here is : Positivity. :)
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