Today's one of these days when everything seems to fit fine. I have drive. For some reason anxiety is bouncing around but has nothing to parasitize. Nothing to be anxious about for me means I've just given up somehow. But that's far from acurate! I'm owning it. This jittery/anxious sensation will subside once my brain realize I have it under control and I'm not giving up on my dreams at all. Far from it. I'm just handling the situation from a very confident place. My side project, my relationship, p, it all falls into place and I'm improving on every front. I even have time to spend some with a friend of mine. I started running again yesterday, it had been a month. I went at it this morning. I'm now journaling the whole process! I bought a little notebook where I wrote my belief that "I'm a runner" on the front page, my motivations to run and my montly goals. Something I had never done before with this hobby. Journaling works! I had journaled my drug, cigs and alcohol intake before I stopped altogether and it helped tremendously. It helped me see that I was not able to effectively cut back and control the substances in my life. On another note, my project has take an "unexpected" turn. A lot of emotional involvement was just lifted off my shoulders. I now see the project as a process. I'm not outcome oriented, rather process oriented. It lifted a weight and allowed me to see that I was pushing in the wrong direction. It's the same with the p journey. The process is very important and focussing on the outcome is detrimental. I guess that is what really clicked in me in the past few days. It stemmed from a "ah-ah" moment in my project but I realize it's also stemming from the p journey. Everything is intermingled. It was long time coming but it's now clearly defined in my mind and usable as a core belief of mine. Looking forward to implement this state of mind as my default mode. I'm am a runner. I am confident in my ability to succeed because I have the keys to change my behavior. Thanks doanl, much appreciated reply. My relationship is my biggest drive to quit p for good. I've seen the effect it has on my end of the relationship. Watching p has a disconnecting effect. Stoping has a connecting effect. It stengthen the bond. This addiction is a proverbial demon that grows out of despair and desolation (and isolation). Yesterday I just had a realization how bad p is. It just propelled the sexual norm to a really sordid extreme. 12 years old are watching that stuff. They wire their brain to this. They get addicted. They disconnect from the real life stimulus. They become walking zombie with no emotions, unable to connect with anyone. It's not a sci-fi novel I'm writing, it's the reality and I dont even exagerate! Not only p fuel this disconnection but a lot of other stuff, social medias for example.