I notice that I often write in my journal when I have something that bothers me. Anyway, I came here today because I dont feel super strong. It's often around the first week mark that I start to feel lust and then the next shot is after 15-20 days. I'm basically desiring the drug. It's not that I'm horny, I have sex with my girlfriend but the desire is something else and I start to really recognize it for what it is : a drug high. It promises me that nothing will hurt ever again, just take a glimpse. It asks me to google something very soft and innocent, not even p stuff. Go on pinterest and check swimsuit. You get the idea. It tingles in my brain and stomach when I think about it, even if I do my best not to, like mentally switching the screen in my head, writing here, trying to calm down, focus on something else, etc. Of course I'm putting it very broadly, as if the addiction had a life of its own. Well, sometimes it feels like it does, really. I think it's years of conditioning playing their tricks on me. As if I had associated seeing naked women and jerking with fullfilling the "reproduction goal" of evolution. It often do that when I feel disconnected with my girlfriend. I dont know why, and maybe I'm creating scenarios in my head like I often do, but I feel she's not into me that much. Sometimes I think we're not really compatible and it makes me sad and I feel even more tempted to watch p. The p mermaid is like the dummy of the real thing I'm craving : connection. On a more positive note (there has to be something, right), I seem to have unlocked a door in the "profession" avenue that seemed locked for many months. I think I have found a way to continue my route, which was staring me in the face since the very beginning.