Tony's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by NewHorizon, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I notice that I often write in my journal when I have something that bothers me.

    Anyway, I came here today because I dont feel super strong. It's often around the first week mark that I start to feel lust and then the next shot is after 15-20 days.

    I'm basically desiring the drug. It's not that I'm horny, I have sex with my girlfriend but the desire is something else and I start to really recognize it for what it is : a drug high.

    It promises me that nothing will hurt ever again, just take a glimpse. It asks me to google something very soft and innocent, not even p stuff. Go on pinterest and check swimsuit. You get the idea. It tingles in my brain and stomach when I think about it, even if I do my best not to, like mentally switching the screen in my head, writing here, trying to calm down, focus on something else, etc.

    Of course I'm putting it very broadly, as if the addiction had a life of its own. Well, sometimes it feels like it does, really. I think it's years of conditioning playing their tricks on me. As if I had associated seeing naked women and jerking with fullfilling the "reproduction goal" of evolution.

    It often do that when I feel disconnected with my girlfriend. I dont know why, and maybe I'm creating scenarios in my head like I often do, but I feel she's not into me that much. Sometimes I think we're not really compatible and it makes me sad and I feel even more tempted to watch p. The p mermaid is like the dummy of the real thing I'm craving : connection.

    On a more positive note (there has to be something, right), I seem to have unlocked a door in the "profession" avenue that seemed locked for many months. I think I have found a way to continue my route, which was staring me in the face since the very beginning.
  2. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I have a lot of desire for women around me, and sometimes a p flashback.

    P flashbacks seem to go away on their own, they are not really interesting in fact and I just let them pass focussing on my projects.

    Desire for women is stronger sometimes but it passes also. It's kind of a bitter sweet feeling, I know it has to do with lust. Also I know it's leading nowhere to feel as such but lust feels so great. I need to learn to appreciate beauty without falling in the abyss of lust and desire. I dont want to give bad vibes to my surroundings either, lol.

    The other day at work (hotel) I saw a sexy girl by the pool and I could not stop walking passed the window and checking, she must have noticed and I feel like a real weirdo for doing so...

    I think there's nothing wrong with noticing beauty in women around me but I have to understand the dynamic at play here, which has to do with lust, as a p addict. Basically, for now, I should train to look elsewhere because I ''enjoy'' the sight too much for it to be healthy (either way). Shit I must give the creepiest vibe here :oops:

    The thing is these persons are pure strangers and I dont want to let myself become emotionally involved just because I've noticed some beautiful features in their physical appearance.

    I have a girlfriend, I love her and she satisfies me.

    We started arguing yesterday and there it was, in a flash of an instant we were connected. I could see she no longer hid behind her mask of wanting to be invulnerable and committing no mistakes. I think she's sexy when she does not hide. :rolleyes: When she open up about herself as things are for her, rather than as people around her want them to be.

    We had a very pleasant afternoon together and we talked some more, this time not arguing. I told her boldly that I needed affection and when she withdraw affection I hate it. I also told her when I'm mentally absent it's because I'm emotionally flooded and I have no answer in the moment, I don't know wether i'm pissed or anything I'm just completly out of it. I need to take a step back. All I really need is a cuddle and not a question if I,m alright. (She thought it was about her all this time). It has nothing to do with her. She told me when she's angry at something, it does not help that I tell her to calm or to think about something else, she needs time to calm on her own. We agreed that when she's upset about something I'll let her calm down and when she's ok she'll reach out to me. I'm happy that I told her for the first time that I need affection. It can seem like a childish thing but I'm ok with it, it's what I need, it helps me connect and not withdraw.

    We had sex two times in a row in the most natural fashion. Just enjoying each moment, cuddling, kissing, not forcing anything to particularly please the other. This kind of moment is what I'm longing for. It used to happen a lot in the beginning of our relationship. It might be coming back full force. :)
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2019
  3. doanl

    doanl Member

    Like, this is exactly what I'm feeling right now.

    I miss this feeling so much... Arguing, and getting the bond stronger after restoring harmony. I'm glad you are able to see the beauty behind this, and I am grateful you let me remember such a joy.
    NewHorizon likes this.
  4. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thanks for coming here, it feels nice to know some people are reading my stuff. I'm happy to share with you. :)

    You said you missed this and it made me think : I should never take anything for granted. My relationship is something empowering that is happening in my life and I must not forget how lucky I am. I have already more courage to fight the urges today.

    Today those damn urges are knocking at my door full force. They want their way in.

    "Just a peak dude"

    "How crazy it would be to see this girl's a** :eek:"

    "Feel it yet? You're feeling the rush? Let's go look some p, come on you're already hooked"

    "You thought about her a** that count as a relapse dude, let's go watch some more"

    "Woah! 21 days! You should celebrate it man! ... ;)"

    At the end of the day, all it really is is a damn drug rush. There's nothing real there, it's all just a bad habit, like alcohol.

    I remember reading about ΔFosB on YBOP. I think it was those twos (there are several more).

    "[...] Worse yet, during abstinence the sensitized “goosing” pathways grow even stronger. It’s as if your pleasure center is screaming for stimulation…but only the addiction can hear the call. The branches (dendrites) on nerve cells processing addiction-related reward signals become “super spiny.” This overgrowth of little nubs allows for more synaptic connections and greater excitation. It’s like growing four extra pairs of ears while being stuck at a “Spinal Tap” concert. When cues or thoughts (glutamate) hammer your reward circuit, the craving scale hits eleven. [...]"

    Basically that means everything is normal and going the way it is supposed to go (for someone trying to quit p at least). I won't be compulsively obsessing about every woman I see for the rest of my life. :D

    "[...] During recovery, it’s easy to mistake an activated sensitized pathway for true libido. [...]"

    This is all making sense to me.

    "[...] Two months into my recovery I saw a simple frame of bare ass on an adult movie channel. Honest to god, it felt like I got injected with some kind of drug. I had the biggest urge in my penis and my mind, to put it back on. I literally ran upstairs and brushed my teeth. Had I stayed downstairs, I would have relapsed 100%. I could feel a part of me going, “WHAT THE HELL MAN? GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS!!!!!!!!!”. I was shaking and panting. After 8 min of brushing my teeth non-stop, I was back to normal. [...]"


    Keep going guys. :);)
  5. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Damn. I just relapsed miserably.

    I feel like I let everybody here down, including myself.

    Shit. I thought I was handling this... I almost cant believe it right now. Yet I just myself indulged in the behavior. That's crazy.
  6. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    How did it happen?
    Mekkeren likes this.
  7. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I felt the urge more or less all day full force and in the evening I was seeing it could become a problem so I went outside. I returned at approx 23 :00. I still felt the urge and at this point I was battling it and could not avoid thinkign about it. I had lost some mental ground and was feeling the surge of the p rush. I took a shower and told myself I could m in a situation like this to avoid doing something more stupid. But that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to watch p because m does not provoke the drug rush.

    I looked myself in the mirror and told myself you handle this. For an instant it was true. And in less than a second I felt the rush of p once again and all I could see in the mirror is how weak I was. I then decided to watch one pic or two. So I went to the computer and looked for some "mild" stuff (clothed) with no direction and at one point I was bargaining to myself " just stop here and we dont count it ". But I kept going for 3 hours escalating seeking the rush.

    I felt ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed typing this.

    I need to "build the new and stop fighting the old". Yesterday I was in fight mode, and I cannot win this way. It's p ground to nourrish from weakness and exhaustion.
  8. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    Do you live with your girlfriend Horizon? Could you text her or talk to her when you have these urges?
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    You've made some good progress over the few weeks, Tony. Your posts here were a lot more positive than before. That's the most important thing now. Your progress isn't gone after one relapse. Be aware that the urges could be stronger the next few days.
    NewHorizon likes this.
  10. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    No, I dont live with her.

    I told her about this addiction and she's been very supportive and she seem to understand but I dont feel at ease talking about it on a day to day basis with her because it could eventually put a dent in our relationship (i.e. feeling she's not enough and it is the reason I relapse). You make me realize I could talk to her more about it though even if not day to day. I'm ashamed, I dont want her to think less of me. It took me a lot of courage to tell her the first time (it was a relief).

    It's true that whenever things get very intense like yesterday it would probably help me to have someone to tell to before it's unmanageable. Because of the nature of the behavior there's a lot of shame associated with it.
    Guts likes this.
  11. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thanks Luke for these kind words. It's true that I feel more on the good path than ever before. Certainly with you guys around and the fact I get more involved with the community.
  12. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Today I'm mentally in a better place than yesterday. Yesterday was mentally a mess but I pushed through it knowing I had done that to myself.

    Every time I relapse it takes such a toll on my mental well being. The only way I can describe it is like after doing drug and not sleeping all night (did that maybe 2-3 times in my life). It borders on the anxiety attack. I'm sure it has to do with dopamine depletion or something like that.

    I really have to stop relapsing. It's just all so absurd and non sensical. The cons far outweight the "pros". It's like finding $20 then getting beaten up and robbed of $100 on the next corner.

    I'll be real here and just say it like that : I'm addicted to the rush. That's the pro. It's just like any addict with its drug. The rush feels great in the moment, in the first few minutes. After that it's just chasing after it and feeling empty. I wish it did not feel great, because it does completely against my will. I hate p.

    I hate all it represents. It's just the objectification machine 101. Stereotype machine also. P robs us of many things. I know it robbed me of my innocence. It robbed me of exploring my sexuality healthily. It robbed me of my precious time on this planet. It robbed my manhood and my teenages. It robbed me of finding a girlfriend and going through rejection and learning how to handle it. Teen exploitation starts with the young boy watching p.

    It continues to rob me to this very day with my consent. P is like the relative who financially abuse an elder.

    P is the gap between people. Stop fucking my head. Fuck you p. Fuck yourself in a closed loop.
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2019
    doanl likes this.
  13. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I just feel great this week. Things start to click. It's summer, sun is shining. I see life as a gift. A one time gift to make the best out of. Life is something completely crazy.

    I went camping in the woods with my girlfriend this weekend and it was a very bonding experience together.

    We were "arguing" a lot last week (more like me picking every negative things and feeling the urge to express them no matter what, self sabotaging my relationship), as by chance I had a relapse prior to feeling like that. I was in a total crap mood beating myself up. Trying and expcetcing to see the negative side of things.

    I fully grasp the toll p relapses have on my mood and on my relationship. I integrated it into my "knowledge base". It's not just an intuition anymore. When I relapse I start seeing the negative side of everything. I momentarily feel very depressed and anxious. I become the shell of what I could be. It's a drug. Nothing else. No matter what the DSM says or the official stuff on the subject. P is a dopamine vector that can fuck up everything just like meth.

    I realize I have a lot of potential. As a person, as a boyfriend, as a professional. As a human being with a contribution into this world. There's a lot of pain in this world but there's exponential beauty. I realize I can explore that beauty and just accept it, indulge in it and let go of the anchor.

    It's ok to embrace life. It's ok to be human. It's ok to let go. Focus on the beauty instead of the flaw.
    -Luke- likes this.
  14. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Yesterday something happened and I was not prepared.

    I dont know if I should go into details about it. First reason is I fear it might trigger something again for me. Second is I dont want to trigger anything in my "readership".

    The reason I want to go into details though is because it's a great way of documenting it and get it out of my system. It's not something really "intense", it was for me because it triggered some very early teenages stuff in my mind.

    For the record, I relapsed yesterday. So here's what I was not prepared for.

    I went to my parents home to help with moving stuff around. We were in my little brother's room (he's 24) and in a box there was a CD. Upon closer look the front of the CD were a woman with a white shirt with no bra and in the motion of pulling her shirt off. It immediately triggered some rush from early teenages. The first rushes I had ever. They're tied with very mild stuff that I would catch on tv late at night, or bra catalog, subjective ads in a magazine to the first erotic pictures scattered in a magazine a friend of mine had at home.

    These rushes were extreme and relived one yesterday. I opened the case and guess what, the girl was topless on the inside of the case. At this point I was completely submerged. I went upstairs and tried forgeting all that. It came back and I went downstairs again (lol, I feel like a 14 y.o. typing all that stuff... ). I opened the case and took out the song list and I unfolded it... guess what again? A picture of the girl the size of 4 CDs, topless and with her face showing. At this point I was just completly hooked. At the bottom of the page was her name. I googled her name and I ended up chasing pictures of nude women and I m'd. At my parents home.

    I dont know the exact why the rush was so intense. I can tie it to teenage memories (very old neuropathways), being at my parents home and maybe the fact I had m'd the night before (not to p, just the sensation, but still I vowed to stop p and m altogether). Also, I felt very stressed with my current project. I think all this is a deadly combo when it comes to p and m, especially the stress part. The stress part is the precursor for me letting my guard down.

    So it's just fair that I reset my counter.

    This time, yes I relapsed but I'm not buying into the shame spiral. It happened, nothing more. I felt like crap yesterday afterwards. The p session did not last long in comparison to other times and it shows in my mental state today, I just feel ok and not "hangover" from the dopamine depletion.

    So I just keep going. My goal today is to stay away from the "chaser".

    On a more positive note, my girlfriend came over yesterday. We talked a lot more than usual and it did not stem from an argument prior. It was awesome. I felt a bit of guilt for relapsing but I decided that it was not healthy to beat myself up more than that and I went along with it. I love my girl and my addiction has nothing to do with her in fact. I should not deprive myself of good times in her company just to punish myself. That would be unhalthy and not helpful. It would just break me further.
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
  15. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I am really ashamed to follow through with relapse news... I'm falling off my high horse.

    I just relapsed yesterday, again. 3 times.

    There's nothing else to say.

    No excuse. I just dont want it bad enough. The desire to change is not big enough to install a new behavior. In times like this it makes me wonder if I really have the capacity for change, a character trait that I value extremely and is very important to me.

    I need to find a way. It's just insane to relapse all the time.

    Edit : I will not fall into auto destructive behavior today either. I will not punish myself. What is done is done. I need to take responsability over it but punishing myself over it will lead to another catastrophe. I'm just human after all. I have big flaws and it's ok. My neuropathways are all messed up which makes it hard to change that behavior. I'm not some stupid retarded (even if it would be easy to push that agenda on me and would feel "great" to romp on myself.). I'm not a desperate case. I just have not find the way out of this addiction yet, even though I want it badly.
  16. doanl

    doanl Member

    I'm sorry to hear that.
    Do not be negative about it, tho. I've been drowning in negativity about myself and my life lately, and i'm still recovering from that alone, without counting relapses.

    You had the right goal. Your first relapse didn't hurt, it was a strike you didn't like, still one you were able to rationalize and bear: you might have thought to know how to avoid many traps which lead to a relapse, and now you know one more. This we are doing is a journey of growth, and mistakes are part both of the journey and the growth.
    (I'm telling these words to myself, too, and I'd like to believe them more)

    What do you think refrained you from fighting the chaser?

    I'm very worried to go at my mother's house for two weeks during august, I don't know how will I react to such deep buried stimuluses.
  17. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    That's a tough one.

    To be honest I have a small willpower tank I think. I dont say that negatively. I say say that in a "know myself" way. I dont think we are all born with the same willpower ability, just as some people have genetically stronger muscles, etc. It does not mean that I'm doomed for failure. It just means I have to work my ass off and be creative in convincing myself that p is always a bad idea. If I have the smallest part of me that thinks otherwise, it will burn my willpower supply throughout the day and a relapse is waiting around the corner.

    Working my ass off is not a bad thing either. It means I will learn new stuff along the way that maybe I would not learn otherwise. We are only truly satisfied when we earned something very harshly.

    Thanks for your support, I appreciate it very much :). I will remind myself over and over to stay positive as it is way more easy that way.

    Dont worry about the teenage memory trap, I made the mistake for you :p
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019
  18. doanl

    doanl Member

    Ahahahhaa thanks you very much, appreciated it! I'll take care!

    I'm way too sleepy to write you back properly (3AM here), but I will.

    Stay strong!
    NewHorizon likes this.
  19. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    A relapse means nothing.

    I believe and realize p shares a whole lot with substances like alcohol, cannabis, caffein, gambling, food, etc. Especially the addictive component. I think (I'm certainly not alone) that my brain has the potential to become addicted to behaviors and not by simply putting a chemical in my system. Instead of smoking a chemical or drink it, I view p and my brain realeases its own chemical. It shares a lot with food addictions (or disorders). The reason why food can be addictive to some people is because the brain releases chemicals upon the consumption or certain foods (sugary and fatty food comes to mind). No food is addictive on its own, it's just the "self preservation" mechanism that is being hijacked and abused in a loop. Same thing with p addiction, it's the same "self preservation" mechanism that's being hijacked and abused in a loop. Over access to fat and sugary foods and over access to p act as structures to aggregate the high of "self preservation". It's the buzz of a million years of scarcity. The reason it can grow out of control is because our primitive brains did not evolve to avoid reproduction and binge eating. In a scarce environment with few mating opportunity and few feast in sight it most likely promoted the exact opposite and did not bother to put a control mechanism that says "that's enough for today, there'll be more tomorrow". Brain structure has evolved in a "enjoy it while it last" perspective.

    I realize I scientifically know nothing about all that stuff. I simply assume p addiction is real and I'm affected by it. Installing the belief that I'm addicted to p is a useful way for me to navigate through my life. It's useful because I dealt with addictions before. I took them seriously. It seems that I never gave p addiction the credit it's due.

    Lately, my relationship has improved. It stems from the fact I'm avoiding p as much as I've been able to do it. The sex together is better. It's a bit like the first times we had sex together. I've also been able to relax and it gave me control over premature e. Having control over it gave me hope that my real sex life can really beat any synthetic sex life. That's why I think a relapse means nothing : I'm seeing improvement in my behavior, in how I see things, life. How I see my girlfriend. I had a moment during sex that just felt like pure exctasy. She was the sexiest girl in the world. Nothing existed. I dont have the urge to argue with her just for the sake of self sabotage and turning back to old shitty p.

    If p is an addiction, I cant expect to stop it on the fist try. I tried multiple times to stop drinking before I finally installed the belief that I could stop. That I was in fact able to do so and that it would improve my life. The only way to do it is to get back on my feet and motivate myself. I have to see the end goal, I have to read as much journals as I can. I need to install the belief that's it's worth it. Not only that, I need to have a clear vision of the end goal, what it will be like for me. Else I will never have a strong enough desire to quit for good. Else I will always be fighting it on the front line with willpower. Reading other journals gives me hope but I have to believe what I'm reading. I have to believe others and trust the process. It's all about the process. The process of installing new beliefs about myself, about life. Creating a strong desire to quit. So strong in fact that I dont even need to use willpower most of the time.

    My greatest asset is that I'm able to modulate my behavior, I have the keys to change. I'm able to do it and have done so many times in the past. It was easy to stop alcohol. Because I installed new beliefs that I was wasting my life, getting depressed, burning my health, getting mentally unstable, etc. Quitting alcohol has never been the battle people often talk about once I had installed the right beliefs. Even though at the peak I was drinking every day and completely black out drunk multiple times per week; Once my desire grew exponential, it was easy.

    Rock bottom works. Because it scares the ** out of most people and gives them a whole set of new beliefs.
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2019
  20. doanl

    doanl Member

    This is what actually got me. You know you have this to protect and make grow.
    Keep the good emotions. Reject the fake one. P won't never, ever, be able to make you feel that way.

    I do lot of researches, read tons of articles and books, and besides pure knowledge it gives you nothing if not the feeling of understanding what's going on. It helps you only if you are actually interested in it. I think the "I don't feel good and that's not okay" is a great drive too. An even more pure one. You might have known nothing of what alcohol was doing to your body, still you knew it was bad. That is more than enough motivation to remove something from your life.

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