Tony's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by NewHorizon, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon New Member

    I had an argument with my girlfriend yesterday.

    Basically, I find that I can't let go.

    She told me she needed more space for herself, more alone time and I flipped. It's very understandable that someone needs to spend time on their own. Somehow I took it like the first step of a breakup and I just flipped. I put a huge weight on her shoulder yesterday. I started crying, I did not act like an adult. She flipped too, she thought she had broke my trust somehow by saying that. She thought she broke something. We basically spent 3 hours like that. Crying and anxious. I literally had a mental break down.

    I feel I have put a huge hit in our relationship by acting like a children. I fear she will drop my sorry ass. We've been together 10 months and it's the first time I feel the relationship is potentially at stake, that she has lost interest in me.

    This is frightening.

    This anxiety shit is ruining me. When something hits my ego, I can't let go. The fact that she said that was literally the first step of a break up to me. I can't stop myself from thinking otherwise. I feel dreadful, I'm not myself anymore. Yet I know that feeling like this won't help. It does not help our relationship. It just put further weight on it.

    Today I'll do some homeworks, I'll try. I hate the program I'm in. I have zero interest. I hate computers I can't give two cents worth of interest. I told her that I did not like my program. I've been completly honest with all my fears, I put the biggest weight on the relationship. I feel like an inconsolable children.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Sorry to hear that. I'm not a relationship expert but I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. My ex girlfriend and me did everything together and neglected life outside if our relationship. When she told me she wanted more space for herself I didn't take it good either. I had extremely low self-esteem at that time.

    It's understandable that you aren't happy with what she said but you should try to see it from her point of view. More time alone can actually improve a relationship and maybe you can try to see the positive side here. If you spend less time together you can use that time in a positive way by spending it with hobbies, friends, sports, whatever,...
    And the enjoyment will be greater if you'll see each other

    And you shouldn't be ashamed that you cried. It happened. At least it'll show your girlfriend that you care about her. But talk to her about your feelings and try to understand what she was saying without feeling attacked.

    Easier said than done, I know.
  3. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon New Member

    Thank you Luke, your reply means a lot to me right now.

    I think I have low self esteem too and trust issue and when she said that I jumped the gun.

    I'm not perfect but I want to improve that dependant side of me. In fact, I feel way more confident and way less analytical when I feel my life is under control (basically school). Right now I have zero motivation and it translates into feeling really low and dependant. I hate that feeling. It's a vicious cycle. I need to break the cycle. I need to study.

    That pit in my stomach won't go away. Like something really bad is about to happen. I always feel like that. Since I'm young. I'm seeing a therapist for my anxiety issues. I'll have something to talk about next time I see him.
  4. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon New Member

    Long story:

    Yesterday I messed up.

    We were coming back from the movie theater. We were both happy as most of the time when we're together. We start making out and we end up stoping because I feel she's not really into it (for some physical reason). I sulk. I tell her I noticed it happens more and more often these days and that also she sleep very poorly at my place. I ask her what can we do about it? Does she needs to be alone more? and she tells me that being alone more and doing her own would probably help. At that moment I froze. I have the 100 yards stare. I tell her I'm happy she told me the truth even if it's harsh. I want to indulge in self pity. I literally made her say that, despite already knowing she needs her space. She immediately regret saying that. She starts crying and I hold my tears (I usually cry before her). At that moment I can't let go. It's like I wanted her to cry so it would prove her love... How idiotic. It's wrong. I love her so, so much. I can't believe I actually did that, even for a second. She tells me she's sorry, that she don't want to break something, hoping that I still trust her. She feels dumb for saying that I tell her all sort of crap, rambling, telling her my trust isn't broke but I feel it broke somehting like a symbolic inside of me, from the start our relationship had always been improving but that is like a move backward. I ramble some more, I don't remember and it makes me freak out.

    We cried and I couldn't let go. I cried like a mad man. I told her all sort of shits that in my opinion can lower her opinion of me, even if she told me it was not the case. (That is where my trust issue comes into play I think) I fear saying things that would make her lose interest in me.

    I told her I was dependant of her (why say such a thing). I told her I did not care about school anymore. I told her what she said was breaking me apart. That the fact she can't sleep and has lost interest in sex affect me very much ( I feel very selfish). I cried and cried and I could not stop. I was ashamed. I lost any sense of self worth and I basically scattered all over the place, dumping shit in our metaphorical common space.

    She needs time on her own. And she needs to see her family more.

    I feel like a wuss. I'm anxious like crazy. I fear she'll drop my sorry ass.

    I don't even know the extent of the bullshit I said. I was somewhere else. I told her she was my headlight in the storm. That I felt so good in her company. I acted like a kid. Out of fear. I feel so bad for acting like that. It happens often. But this time was something else. I was not able to see past my ego. I so fucked up yesterday.

    I said I was sorry a thousand times. She did the same. At the end it was just me crying and her trying to console me. I was so afraid to lose her. Every time I thought about her I started crying some more. I fucked up so big. She told me she isn't going anywhere. She told me she loves me. I did the same.

    But I can't stop thinking about it. I feel I broke something. I fear she now perceive me as dependant. I'm not that bad, but yesterday I was saying all kind of shit.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2019
  5. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon New Member

    Hello everyone.

    I did not check in here for a short while. I have a lot of school work to do.

    Stoping is so hard. It is unbelievably hard. I don't even know where to begin. I have stoped many things in my life but porn is really the hardest of them all. It is crazy.

    I feel like the shittiest person in the world. I just relapsed despite having a wonderful person in my life that I love. I watched the stupidest stuff in the world I feel horrible. I don't even know why I watch that stuff it's making me sick to think of it.

    I can't bring myself to talk about **** with my therapist. I'm ashamed. I don't know why this stuff arouses me, I tried to understand why many times. I don't even want to do these things in real life, they don't turn me on.

    I noticed when I come close to my previous "strike" number I start to be more let down. I start to see it like a little problem and I start being uncautious of my addiction and it's always near 20 or so days that I relapse. It's like I allow myself to do so. My goal this time is to stay focus even more when I'll come around 20 days.
  6. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon New Member

    First of all, the best thing that ever happened in my life is my relationship with my girlfriend. Everyday that passes our relationship grows stronger because we open up to each other and are willing to talk. I am forever grateful for sharing my life with such a beautiful person inside and out.

    I opened up to her about porn, in fact I had not planned to but while we were talking about something related, she mentioned that she already watched some and I asked what kind of stuff. Naturally, after she answered she asked back if I watched some and I immediately said yes. It was a relief. She thought nothing of it. I find it's a blessing in disguise because it kind of gave me the green light to watch it and my goal is still to stop. It breaks my heart that us young people are raised on that stuff.

    Remember I'm 26 years old. Well I'm failing at school once again. I let go and I'm failing four classes right now. I have a side personnal project that I do on my own which took a lot of my time during the semester and I really avoided studying for the whole time. It's a situation I've been in so many times.

    Somehow only the negative seems to affect my mood. Relapsed to porn today due to letting go of my barriers. I might be depressed, who knows, it seems like I've been my whole adult (and teen) life.

    I've heard some people were born neurotic and it's a personnality trait that is hardwired, just like some people are born more outgoing. It's sad but I'm starting to believe it :( Altough I always thought it was possible to escape such a faith. Now I don't know anymore.

    Sorry for whining. I'm sure a lot of people can relate. Feeling defeated by myself.

    I'm so glad summer is coming.

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