Tony's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by NewHorizon, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I had an argument with my girlfriend yesterday.

    Basically, I find that I can't let go.

    She told me she needed more space for herself, more alone time and I flipped. It's very understandable that someone needs to spend time on their own. Somehow I took it like the first step of a breakup and I just flipped. I put a huge weight on her shoulder yesterday. I started crying, I did not act like an adult. She flipped too, she thought she had broke my trust somehow by saying that. She thought she broke something. We basically spent 3 hours like that. Crying and anxious. I literally had a mental break down.

    I feel I have put a huge hit in our relationship by acting like a children. I fear she will drop my sorry ass. We've been together 10 months and it's the first time I feel the relationship is potentially at stake, that she has lost interest in me.

    This is frightening.

    This anxiety shit is ruining me. When something hits my ego, I can't let go. The fact that she said that was literally the first step of a break up to me. I can't stop myself from thinking otherwise. I feel dreadful, I'm not myself anymore. Yet I know that feeling like this won't help. It does not help our relationship. It just put further weight on it.

    Today I'll do some homeworks, I'll try. I hate the program I'm in. I have zero interest. I hate computers I can't give two cents worth of interest. I told her that I did not like my program. I've been completly honest with all my fears, I put the biggest weight on the relationship. I feel like an inconsolable children.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that. I'm not a relationship expert but I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. My ex girlfriend and me did everything together and neglected life outside if our relationship. When she told me she wanted more space for herself I didn't take it good either. I had extremely low self-esteem at that time.

    It's understandable that you aren't happy with what she said but you should try to see it from her point of view. More time alone can actually improve a relationship and maybe you can try to see the positive side here. If you spend less time together you can use that time in a positive way by spending it with hobbies, friends, sports, whatever,...
    And the enjoyment will be greater if you'll see each other

    And you shouldn't be ashamed that you cried. It happened. At least it'll show your girlfriend that you care about her. But talk to her about your feelings and try to understand what she was saying without feeling attacked.

    Easier said than done, I know.
    NewHorizon likes this.
  3. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thank you Luke, your reply means a lot to me right now.

    I think I have low self esteem too and trust issue and when she said that I jumped the gun.

    I'm not perfect but I want to improve that dependant side of me. In fact, I feel way more confident and way less analytical when I feel my life is under control (basically school). Right now I have zero motivation and it translates into feeling really low and dependant. I hate that feeling. It's a vicious cycle. I need to break the cycle. I need to study.

    That pit in my stomach won't go away. Like something really bad is about to happen. I always feel like that. Since I'm young. I'm seeing a therapist for my anxiety issues. I'll have something to talk about next time I see him.
  4. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Hello everyone.

    I did not check in here for a short while. I have a lot of school work to do.

    Stoping is so hard. It is unbelievably hard. I don't even know where to begin. I have stoped many things in my life but porn is really the hardest of them all. It is crazy.

    I feel like the shittiest person in the world. I just relapsed despite having a wonderful person in my life that I love. I watched the stupidest stuff in the world I feel horrible. I don't even know why I watch that stuff it's making me sick to think of it.

    I can't bring myself to talk about **** with my therapist. I'm ashamed. I don't know why this stuff arouses me, I tried to understand why many times. I don't even want to do these things in real life, they don't turn me on.

    I noticed when I come close to my previous "strike" number I start to be more let down. I start to see it like a little problem and I start being uncautious of my addiction and it's always near 20 or so days that I relapse. It's like I allow myself to do so. My goal this time is to stay focus even more when I'll come around 20 days.
  5. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    First of all, the best thing that ever happened in my life is my relationship with my girlfriend. Everyday that passes our relationship grows stronger because we open up to each other and are willing to talk. I am forever grateful for sharing my life with such a beautiful person inside and out.

    I opened up to her about porn, in fact I had not planned to but while we were talking about something related, she mentioned that she already had watched some and I asked what kind of stuff. Naturally, after she answered she asked back if I watched some and I immediately said yes. It was a relief. She thought nothing of it. I find it's a blessing in disguise because it kind of gave me the green light to watch it. It breaks my heart that us young people are raised on that stuff.

    Remember I'm 26 years old. Well I'm failing at school once again. I let go and I'm failing four classes right now. I have a side personnal project that I do on my own which took a lot of my time during the semester and I really avoided studying for the whole time. It's a situation I've been in so many times.

    Somehow only the negative seems to affect my mood. Relapsed to porn today due to letting go of my barriers. I might be depressed, who knows, it seems like I've been my whole adult (and teen) life.

    I've heard some people were born neurotic and it's a personnality trait that is hardwired, just like some people are born more outgoing. It's sad but I'm starting to believe it :( Altough I always thought it was possible to escape such a faith. Now I don't know anymore.

    Sorry for whining. I'm sure a lot of people can relate. Feeling defeated by myself.

    I'm so glad summer is coming.
    Last edited: May 21, 2019
  6. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I will go for a run outside. This is part of the game also, to keep myself in shape mentally and physically. I feel running does more good to the mental almost. It’s because it’s a balance. Everything needs balance. This whole adventure is nothing without balance. That’s why I put so much emphasis on being grateful for what I already have, try to know myself better in and out so I always stay on the good path. I don’t know where the tension comes from. It’s surely very present sometimes, other times I can put it to rest a bit. Surely running outside in plain nature helps with that.

    I feel like deleting my journal and starting over. I was all over the place during the winter. It takes a toll on me, the snow and short daylight.

    My semester is over, I failed a class or two but I don't even mind, I didnt put in the effort. I'm starting to think maybe school is not my cup of tea, afterall. I have this side project which really gets me going. If I ever have such a thing as a ''calling'' in my life, like us kids from my generation are expected to have, then that's what it is. If I put the time and effort, I can get it to career level.

    Summer is about to start and my mood is elevated, both from finishing the semester and the sun showing up. I need to stay cautious though, depressing thought and anxiety are part of a cycle, which is exacerbated when I let too much loose.

    I want to write more here and take part in this community. I want to grow up. I want to be a man. It's funny that I write that, I dont know what a man is really supposed to be. Usually when someone says that it always has a ''machismo'' connotation. Like ''be a real man'', ''thoughen up'', ''dont be a pussy''. Etc. You get the point. I dont want to be that. I'm not at war with anyone. I'm a somewhat peaceful person. I want to be a healthy person, comfortable in my own skin.
    Last edited: May 21, 2019
  7. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I work on a computer at home alone all day long. That is my main problem.
  8. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I need wisdom advices here.

    My girlfriend is less aroused sexually about me than before. It happens often nowadays that she isn't wet after we kiss and touch each other sexually, I can feel her being somewhere else. We still have sex but a bad tension surrounding sex has developed over the course of winter.

    In the beginning (1 year ago) we'd simply kiss and I would reach inside her pants and she'd be already wet. I would finger her and have fun fooling around.

    Now I'm dreading sex even though I want it badly. I know she won't be wet and whatever I do doesn't fully turn her on. She has never had a very high libido in the first place. I could never make her climax which I feel sad about. I feel like I'm sexually the problem. I feel I'm not attractive. I already told her that. We talk a lot and whenever there's an issue I bring it up, I cannot just let go. Sometimes it helps, other times we are in a dark zone which is not very constructive. The other day we were in such a dark zone and I was pissed I wanted to sort all this and that she'd be honest with me. She has difficulty communicating what she really thinks (fear of being rejected, wanting to protect me). She finally told me she has developed a kind of perpective about me since I told her about my anxiety issue in the beginning of autumn. She tries to protect me she said and getting aroused has become harder since then. (I never intended for her to ''protect'' me. )

    Whatever I do I feel it's not arousing to her. Like whenever I go down on her (since the beginning) she seems self conscious and not enjoying the process so I have to stop. When we have sex she can get out of it in an instant like she was never in it in the first place. In the beginning sex was alright, penetrative sex turned her on a lot and I could sense it. It's when I came up with the idea to try to make her climax (because of fear of my own manliness) and would often ask her to tell me what turn her on and she just could not. She has eventually come up with things that turn her on but whenever I try doing them it's not really working. I dont know maybe I'm just really bad at sex and paying attention.

    Anxiety is sometimes out of control. I hate not understanding and I fill the void with the worst scenarios possible. This time it's that I'm not sexually attractive (because of lack of an logical explanation). She wants to protect me so I know she will never blatantly tell me I dont turn her on.

    We still have sex but I often feel she is not really into it. It pisses me off. Nowadays we have come up with an alternative, I can ask her to go down on me or sometimes she offers it. She often tells me she enjoys doing it.

    I feel my porn addiction did not help in that situation, because it is/was a crutch. Whenever I'd feel sexually disconnected to my girlfriend, it would be an excuse to consume material for hours. Due to porn I dont have ED but I dont last long in bed, it happens suddenly and it's not because sex is particularly intense. I think this is due to edging for too long.

    This time I'm really focussed on staying on the right path and evolving and the sex issue is a big thing right now. I'm still strong in my resolve about not consuming material and not masturbating.

    She loves me. I can sense that. But I fear our relationship is taking a wrong turn in which I become protected and not sexually seen.

    To sum it up. Sex has become a bit of an issue over the course of winter. We still have sex every time we see each other (3-4 a week) but my girlfriend seems less into it. Whatever I try is not ''really'' working. She has always had somewhat of a lower libido could nver climax but would always get wet real fast now it's sometimes not happening. Me revealing my anxiety issue with her made her change her perspective on me. Me bringing up the issues in the relationship is sometimes a plus sometimes a minus. I can become sulky when I feel disconnected emotionally or feel she's not into sex.

    Thank you for reading and if you have something to say about my situation dont hesitate I would be happy to read it.
  9. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I'm currently having the biggest urge since the beginning of this streak.

    I recently realized my willpower only lasts about a week then I gotta find alternative to not answer the call. Right now the urge is full on.

    I relapsed more than 100000 times. My motivation not to relapse is basically to improve sex and intimacy with my girlfriend. It's also to move forward in life and stop relying on a shitty crutch. I know that if I open the browser it'll lead to 2 hours of binging. I wont feel great after that. It'll feel like I'm a failure, like I can't achieve anything.

    I know that if I relapse now I'll be really pissed. I'll feel like I'm back at square one again.

    I gotta go meditate for 15 minutes then I'll go for a run outside. 27 celsius with no clouds. I should have been outside earlier.
  10. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I did not relapse. I went for a litttle run outside, made myself a sandwich and showered. I put the water cold at the end just for the sake of it.
    My girlfriend came here to show me some things related to a camping trip we might take in a week or two. I got horny a bit but we did nothing as she's working tomorrow and had to go back to her place. I reach for her butt inside her short when we were kissing good bye and immediatley wanted more. Now I'm here typing all that a minute after she's left. For a minute I thought about masturbating but I decided not to consciously. (My counter says 12 days no p but it's actually m also. I decided to stop m also because one thing leads to another for me. ) I'm here because I want better intimacy with my girlfriend, I will not masturbate all alone.

    So today I will not relapse. I got my teeth brushed and I'm showered, I'll go in my bedroom to read a bit and maybe meditate although I meditated this morning.

    I'm reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's book on meditation and I started doing his exercises. First exercise is to meditate for 15 mins everyday for a week. Second (which is given at the same time as the first) is to watch my breathing conscioulsy every now and then throughout the day and reconnect with it. The second exercise (informal) I find harder but the essence is to reconnect with the letting go feeling of meditation (that we usually gain from the formal practice). I'm eager to start the real deal which is 45 minutes of formal meditation each day. I recommend the book for anyone interested in this subject. I was a meditation enthusiast before and I meditated on and off in the past with more and less vigor but reading the book clarifies a lot about the practice.

    Take care guys. Today I will not relapse.
  11. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    The strong urges are coming back this monring.
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Take a day to day approach. Say to yourself "I won't relapse now." It's only about right now. It'll be worth it in the end.
    NewHorizon likes this.
  13. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I feel disheartened a bit here. I relapsed. At this point I dont know what to do. Behavioral addiction is really shitty. It makes me think less of myself. I want to stop engaging in that behavior yet I do it anyway knowing perfectly well that I should not. I do it despite loving my girlfriend and having her pic in front of me.

    I just feel lame and I dont know what to do up to this point. I relapsed 100 000 times. Since I'm 12 every time I masturbate / watch porn I feel less of myself and I wish that I'd just stop. This behavior is killing me.

    I rambled a bit here. I guess I need to roll up my sleeves and keep moving forward and focus on the positive side of things. I made it to 13 days which is not bad at all.
  14. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    8 days p and m free. yahoo!

    Nothing much new, I started reading many journals here trying to get mentally involved as much as possible. I have not been so hyped about quitting all this since a long time. It's a new start. I feel like starting a new journal. I think it's a good thing that is happening to me right now. I have a vision of myself quitting. I know deeply I dont need all this. It's a waste of time on this planet. It's the easy road, the one that leads to sorrow and despair.

    I think this addiction is really stoping me from enjoying my relationship to its fullest. It makes me into a self pitying person. It makes the sex with my girlfriend passionless.

    Last time we did it , it was better. It will improve as time passes. I had this idea that I was entitled to have sex whenever. We had and it was bad. This was the addiction speaking. I wanted a fix.

    This time I'm quitting all this crap for good. I'm commited to doing it for good. What keeps me on track is reading old folks (oups, i did not mean old folks, more like older people, my bad I'm french) journal. They have gone through all the shit possible. It's like seeing what the future holds for me if I keep watching p.
    Mekkeren and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds great, this was your most positive journal entry in a long time.

    Good to see that you're trying to hang out with us old folks (no need to apologize) here. It's a little quiet in your own section. But you can learn a lot especially in the 40+ section. Lots of valuable stuff there.
    NewHorizon likes this.
  16. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Thanks Luke for being here. I will keep on reading stuff all over the forum for sure, especially in the 40+ section. You're right there's a lot of valuable stuff there!

    On another note. It's often when I feel great that the old demons creep in. I think it's Saville in his thread that talked about this concept. Yesterday was alright then my girlfriend came over so we could prepare for our camping trip this weekend. She's always very stressed about that kind of stuff, which makes me sad because it's supposed to be fun. She needs to prepare everything like clockwork. It ends up stressing me. I thought we could have sex but it was the last thing on her mind which pissed me off. In the previous weeks we both ''worked'' on that aspect of our relationship. Taking account of her stressed out nature, we chose night in the week where we would be simply ''relaxing'' together. It helped her get in the zone and it helped me let go the rest of time and not think about sex 24/24. This week we could not do the usual and I ended up thinking about it more and noticing more that it's often the last of her concern so it pissed me off.

    We ended up talking about it. In the end all is fine but I hate feeling like that. I know cannot feel entitled to have sex whenever I want. It just make me sad that she never really think about it and I do all the time.

    I'm positive that these sorts of things wont last forever when I'm over with p and m. I will have more control over my urges, I already have.
  17. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I realise that the point is to focus more on the positive than the negative. It's clearly the most important rule.
  18. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I started this journal lately, but have been battling p for a long time now. (I think it's worth mentioning.) At some point in my life I did have a problem in the ed department. I was young and inexperienced and the first few (poor) times I ''tried'' to have sex triggered something. My p use at the time was over the top and I started having irrational fears that would occupy all my mental space every day for years. I had no girlfriend and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Ruminating fueled a lot of my drinking and drug problems.

    The reason I kept this battle up for years is the good effects it had on my mental health. Basically I stop ruminating, I'm not depressed, I feel great and the fears subside. Yes I relapsed a lot throughout this "journey" and this is because I let my guard down when I feel great. I always got back on my feet though and that's the only thing that matters. I'm not a self pitying person anymore. I get back on my feet.

    I'm coming close to the final strike. This time I want to get involved as much as possible to completly and forever get rid of the addiction. I find YBOP a great community of many different person all battling towards the same goal. People's journal are eye opening and I just generally find the community here is top notch. People's testimonies are very moving and they strike a chord.

    Peace everyone !
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2019
    Mekkeren and -Luke- like this.
  19. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Today I had a erotic dream in which my girlfriend was involved. I kind of woken up in the middle and I was very horny, almost on the edge. I seem to have enjoy it. It left me wanting to m.

    It pisses me a bit because on one hand I was not totally present and I cant really count it like a relapse. Nonetheless it feels like a relapse because in the dream I was really indulging in it. I still want to m today (chaser effect).

    Anyway, it'll pass!

    On another note I wanted to adress this question :

    "How do you envision your life a few weeks, months, or years from now?"

    (I notice I tend to mentally work my way through downsizing my answers to this question in order to have as less work to do in the future as possible. lol)

    I'll give separate answer for each time horizon starting today with a few weeks from now.

    Few weeks : My relationship improves as I'm no longer hiding behind p addiction. It improves in the sense that I connect more with my girlfriend. There's no p screen between us anymore. I see things as they are and I'm less insecure about everything, less anxious, less ashamed. She has my full attention span.

    A few weeks from now it's really about my relationship. It's already going better and better and I can see the difference when I'm on the momentum of no p and no m. She's more interested in sex. I stop treating sex like a compulsion that needs fullfilling right now. In a sense it takes the pressure off.

    Also I think stopping indulging in the p and m compulsion will help managing my willpower. P and m is all about instant gratification and acting on a whim. I think it can really help slow down the thinking process elsewhere like with food, procrastination, chores, etc.

    I have a side project which requires a lot of analytical thinking and self discipline. I believe it can help there also. Everything is intermingled.
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Ah, you read The Underdogs Thread. Good to see. I try to read it every once in a while. One of the best post ever on YBR.

    Don't think too much about that dream. I really think you should never think of this in terms of relapsing. It's just a dream. And that your girlfriend was involved instead of some pornstar is a good sign. Good to see that your relationship with her improved recently.
    NewHorizon likes this.

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