Today's the day!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by thefinisher, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Sup guys, a little background. Discovered MO by myself when I was ~12yrs old, then moved on to PMO. I never accepted that I was addicted to pornography as it was never a problem during my teenage years, but I guess it was just self-denial. A year or two ago, it became noticeable that my erection wasn't as strong as it used to be, and reality hit me when I couldn't orgasm during the sexual encounters I had during the past two years. I just wasn't able to achieve full erection, and it just didn't feel pleasurable enough to make me climax. Still, I attributed it all to the alcohol consumed ("whiskey dick"), performance anxiety, death grip, or just because the fact that I picked up smoking cigarettes (though all of these could still be valid reasons). For the longest time, I criticized and doubted myself, because I thought something was wrong with me physically. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't accept it. It got to the point where I convinced myself that the only way I could experience sex to the fullest was by relying on Viagra. I was experiencing mad ED man...

    It was only yesterday that I learned the truth about how porn rewires your brain, came to acceptance about my addiction, and took the plunge to conquer this madness. Deleted all the pornography that I had accumulated on my hard drive, and it shocked me when I saw the numbers. It's embarrassing how I didn't see this before, but the stash equaled to about 1-2 TB in total. I knew for sure then that I needed help, and nobody could give it to me except myself. Took the much needed dive and deleted them all, it didn't need much motivation when I knew I needed to do this. Did a couple of goodbye wanks yesterday and called it quits, then started off clean today.

    I can't lie, it was somewhat difficult. PMO had became a habit I relied on to kill some time, to release some stress, to escape from boredom. But I made it through the first day. Did have some urges and tried to MO w/o porn, but I couldn't get erect w/o it, so I just gave up. Weird thing was that when I made my decision to quit last night, I had multiple dreams with sexualized themes, and kept getting woken up with random erections that just didn't seem to quit. The result was that I didn't get a good night sleep at all, and that made me kind of grumpy. If I didn't know any better I would've thought my brain knew what I was trying to do and was trying to break my determination. But so far so good, no more pornography for me. It just isn't worth it.

    One question though, if my lust ever builds up to an unbearable level, will just MO be fine? Would it be safe if I use non-nude photographs as inspiration, or should I abstain from visual stimulations all together?
  2. Ahermit

    Ahermit New Member

    Hey! Nice work deleting TB collection of P, it is the start, man, it is the great one:)

    If I were you, I would abstain from ANY solo sexual activities for like a week or two, it is important at the first stage. See if you will feel the difference than decide, if you should MO or not. If you feel like you will 100% relapse you now it sometimes better to MO ("of two evils choose the less" and the greater evil is P or PMO). But this attitude can lead to endless pattern of excuses and you will end up having compulsive mechanical MO habit instead of PMO. And there are TONS of ways to kill the urges without MO, find what suits you more. Moreover, the goal of all the rewiring is not only to quit PMO, but to gain an access to the pleasures of real life like hobbis, social activities, interesting job and stuff which in the end will lead you to the things much more pleasurable than PMO.

    So, my advice abstain from P and MO and PMO for as long as you can, then when you are more in control and know yourself better choose what is best for you.
    And good luck! ;)
  3. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Thanks man, I knew it was a big, necessary step but it didn't feel very validated until someone else acknowledged it. Thank you, and your words of encouragement. It really helps.

    I think ill abstain from MO all together, its just too much risk to have it affect my progress. But is it ok if I still look and admire at beautiful women, pictures or not? Even before my PMO habits, I have always had an appreciation for beauty in the world, women included. My phone has a constant gallery of women shuffling, and many of the sites I visit often has pictures displayed on the daily. I look, but I either don't get the urges to MO to them, or can control it easily; so it's not a big problem for me. I know it's a potential temptation but I don't want to give it up if I dont have to. Especially when I'm an artist, albeit amateur, and I primarily use such pictures as study sketches and anatomy.

    Still, its always better to get another perspective. So I ask of your opinion. Yay, or nay?
  4. Ahermit

    Ahermit New Member

    Wow, that is very interesting, so the views of the human body is a sort of working material for you. Do you study in an art college?

    It is a difficult question. For me an even slightly erotic image of woman used to work like trigger. Even in periods of intensive porn consumption. I didn't get 100% aroused by the image itself but ended up watching porn. You know of course, that is like trigger works.

    I, personally, think that most of the time the image of women is overperfectionised, but it is more about modern advertisement tricks, plastic surgery and actresses in popular movies (porn is not included in this list). Being an artist and a man at the same time make it difficult neither not to look at the women body nor to admire its beauty. So it depends a lot on what kind of girls picks you have in your phone:) And if you will read the YBOP ( and journals of other participants you will see, that abstaining from all kinds of 2D images that may work as triggers is recommended most of the time. I would stick to it at least at the first stages.
  5. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    That sounds good, I'll go ahead and remove the gallery widget on my phone and wallpapers, maybe even the posters in my room. Out of sight, out of mind :). But so far they have had no effect on me, so I'll just put them away rather than throwing/deleting them, as I may need them in the future. Not for MO purposes though, haha, I'm adamant about quitting this crippling habit.

    I studied in Bio research, Electrical & computer engr, and Fine arts when I was in college, but never finished my degree. At least, not yet; though I plan to in the future. I still draw/sketch to satisfy my passion and to hone my skills so I won't get rusty. Unfortunately I was never good at drawing women anatomy from memory so lots of my practice involves looking at various medias and drawing them down. I just hope it won't be counter-productive to do so, so I guess I'll just focus on other subjects instead for now in the first stages as you suggested.

    I know I've only just started on my progress but so far it's been pretty easy for me to abstain from PMO/MO. It's only day 2 but I haven't had any major urges. I would be lying if I said there haven't been, but nothing I can't overcome with sheer determination alone. Maybe I'm just suffering from low libido, but I'm pretty confident I can do this! I've been feeling pretty depressed and trapped with my life so far, but it feels nice to finally nut up and take control of at least one aspect of my life.
  6. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Only you can determine the line between using the female form for your art and using it for masturbation (I'm betting it involves whether your hands are on a pencil or your dick). It's good you have an outlet to pour your energy into. Taking on this Challenge gives you two things right off the bat: Time and Energy to spare. Use them well!
  7. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Thanks for your thoughts, I find it especially helpful to contemplate upon another's opinions compared to my own.

    You're right about my abundance of time and energy, and I will channel those excessive attributes into other various aspects of my life that I am lacking. I've been trying to get better at drawing/painting, learning Japanese. With this, hopefully quitting PMO will also allow me regain my creativity and any other things that I've lost about myself.
  8. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Last night, when I was browsing the internet before going to bed. I had a cpuple of minor urges creeping on me. I slapped myself and it went away, but not for long. When I was surfing through instagram, I saw a picture of a girl I knew. She was wearing a hoodie, not particularly erotic, but I found myself staring at her boobs. The urges came back with a a vengeance. I knew then I should head straight to bed. Woke up an hour early before my alarm to a dream of the girl I last had a sexual encounter with with a half flaccid errection. I could feel temptation growing, and bracing myself for the worst. Even though I wasnt fully erect, I really wanted to hump something. I tried going back to sleep but ended up in a half lucid dream state, and saw myself visualizing kissing the girl, touching her, and penatrating her. I knew I had to wake up immediately and did so. And I wrote this entree right afterwards. I know the worst has yet to come, but I will pish through this!
  9. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Way to navigate the cravings like a boss, finisher! Keep climbing!
  10. Ahermit

    Ahermit New Member

    Hey, dude, I now what it feels like, just had a sort of half-lucid dream just this night. You've done what you had to and done it well!

    On the matter of instagram. You probably can understand what I am going to write from my previous posts:) I think it is a good idea to abstain from social networks too. Instagram, facebook..full of girls photos. And some girls we now are not very ehh modest:).

    I totally agree with Apeman about the thing that your vision of women are what you and only you control. Moreover, there is nothing porny in the images of girls. This is the goal we all fighting for, just to be normal again (and better, damn it!). Just give your eyes and brain a break. Once you will set your own boundaries.
  11. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Starting to feel the effects of the recovery process. Throughout the day I experienced various levels of mood swings, for an hour or two confidence evaded me, depression and self pity washed over me, and the next I would fall victim to stress, then forced myself to feel more motivation. I don't know how many times today I felt so helpless. Many times I went back to this thread, in an attempt to vent. But in the midst of writing a post full of complaints, I would start to hate myself. "What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I bitching like a little pussy!?" I would think to myself, and delete what I was writing up.
    "Nut the fuck up, Finisher, and live up to your name!" my pride echoed.
    And I did, I already knew what was to be expected, so all I need to do is push through.

    That being said, I hope I see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I still feel that my libido is still low, but did have multiple urges to PMO. Not very intense though, no urges screaming "you HAVE TO, you HAVE TO!!" I can still see various triggers that brought up temptation, say NAH and look away.

    Is this what they call flat lining?
  12. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Right before bed last night, the craving grew stronger every while or so. My brain tried to rationalize PMO. But I knew better than that, so I didn't try anything! - is what I'd like to say. Disappointing to admit, but I started touching myself. No P, no external stimuli, just sensation alone. Got about 60% erect, stroking myself for a while. I can definately feel sensitivity recovering, but what made it so scary was that a wave of pleasure washed over me. An intensity I haven't felt in a long while. I realized how hungry my brain was for dopamine, which only further cemented the fact that I most definitely am undergoing an addiction withdrawal. But I can't give up now, my determination hasn't been beaten yet! So I stopped. My brain tried to drag me back into the darkness, but I won't lose to such a pathetic enemy. I shall prevail! Went into pretty deep sleep afterwards and barely remembered if I had any dreams. But I did have difficulties waking up which made me grumpy. I hope these mood swings subsides soon, I don't deal with my immediate emotions very well, and I'm afraid I might snap at someone underserving of it.

    Ps: did my research and learned that flatline is complete disappearance/absence of libido. Which is hardly my case since I still get mediocre urges, but I feel as if if I'm almost to that point. I just have to instill self displine upon myself. Wish me luck brothers. If you ever feel at your weakness, remember why you are doing it in the first place. I'm sick of porn induced ED, and I shall overcome it. No matter the cost.
  13. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    One thing I've been noticing is that whenever night comes, my PMO urges haunts me. I can feel my brain's hunger for more dopamine. I keep trying to convince myself that relapsing once in a while would be fine, that it won't affect my overall process too much; yet I know it will. Was just tempted to PMO and started touching myself, but then I stopped then went to write this. I barely did anything, and wasn't even hard yet when I stopped, but I'm already getting mild blue balls. This aching feeling is something I will never get used to.
  14. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Today has got to be the worst yet, cravings and thoughts are stronger than anything I've felt all week. Its only been a couple of hours after my last post, yet I just have to keep writing and venting to fight these urges. Its 1am and and I'm having a hard to getting myself to feel comfortable in my bed. I keep thinking and reasoning with myself. I feel at my weakest, and I want to PMO. I'm still determined to get over this ED in one go, A.S.A.P. So I won't relapse, I'm not going to let myself. I'm going straight to bed to combat this damn habit.
  15. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    My temptations are peaking today. It's the weekend and I'm just by myself at home. My brain is going into overdrive in order to convince myself to PMO. "Once in a while is fine, it's not going to make a difference, come on." Many times today already, I almost relapse, just wanting to get rid of these feelings, to start over. "Just one last time." But I know it won't be a last, not if I keep listening to this train of thoughts. I feel so unmotivated, so weak at the moment.
  16. Ahermit

    Ahermit New Member

    Hey, finisher! First of all you are doing well, you keep on fighting. What you are going through is just normal, times like this come to everybody, the urges will just vanish with time. The good idea in this case is to have a walk, go to the park, or shop, museum, whatever. Even do this alone.
  17. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Thanks Scorch, you always know what to say. Im happy to report that I made it through the day yesterday, and once I woke up I just didn't care about it anymore. Thinking back on the urges, I didn't even want to watch P. I felt like I just needed a release, to MO. But that wouldnt be possible without P. Funny how it all connected.

    Similar to what you suggested, I took my mind off of it through cigarettes and anime. I know, not particularly good outlets, but ya gotta pick ya poison, right?
  18. ryder9090

    ryder9090 " Its what you want most , not what you want now!!

    Good luck , checking your tracker and posting here your benifits and failures will help you alot as it helps me.

    Check my journal in my signature might help as am also in the beginning of no PMO
  19. Ahermit

    Ahermit New Member

    Not quite, and I bet you understand why :) But well, we all have our little sins. Anyway you get the point, just concentrate on something else.
  20. thefinisher

    thefinisher New Member

    Made it through yesterday pretty well. I think I have a cold of some sort, headaches, temperature fluctuations, and coughing; either way I'm pretty sick. It's not bad, made me really sleepy and I slept through most of yesterday so barely any urges. Almost watched a P video though, but thank god the video was already removed from the link. That was my fault for exposing myself to triggers though. At least I didnt cave in and go through with it.

    Anyways, it's been a week and I did notice some changes. Before I started the reboot I would periodically get morning wood, about 50-60%, but now nothing. I have had some sexualized dreams, kissing etc, but no sex. Last night I dreamt of the girl I was last in love with. It's been two-three years, and I tell myself I don't give a shit about her, but us kissing in the dream felt so natural I didn't even notice I was dreaming and didn't even wake up.
    Well, I guess it was just an inconvient random occurrence dreams usually are. Weird but I felt its importance was needed to be mentioned.

    Along with the disappearance of my morning wood, my horrible yet random bouts of acne has gone away. I hope I don't jinx myself. I get random breakouts sometimes, and when it does happen its really bad. Either is super inflamed, or lasts for a really long time. But most of the time my face is clear. Just had one last week, same time as my reboot but it pretty much disappeared really easily without much trouble. Idk, but ill give the credit to the reboot.

    I also get these brief periods of clear thoughts. Made me more aware of my life, emotions and revelations. Things looks good.

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