To Be a Better Man

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Regenesis, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Hello all, its great to be here and part of this. I read all your journals and knowing that we are all struggling through this together is what is keeping me going.

    First about me and my history. I am currently on day 8 of no PMO. This is my second attempt, having reached 26 days on my first go. Below is my background.

    I am 34 years old, having a similar story to many guys of my vintage. Found dad's porn videos and magazines when I was about 11 and kicked off a life long obsession with 2-d images. Used to take days off school just so I could masturbate all day.

    Porn has affected my life in many ways. I lost my first proper job when I was 21 after HR discovered that I had been viewing bikini and nude sites when I was alone in the office (I used to start very early). It was one of the most shameful moments in my life, made worse by the fact that one of the HR managers was a stunning 23 year old brunette.

    Then around 25 years old I got dial up, then high speed internet at home. I used to blame my first long term girlfriend for having a low libido, but when I think back her libido was just fine at the start of our relationship and some blame is due to the fact that I quickly found her unattractive compared to the amazing bodies I was treating myself to on the net. I believe it also led to acting out and I moved on from her to a 21 year old girl (no brains, great body). The fantasy was better than the reality.

    I am now engaged to be married to an amazing and beautiful girl. She has a high sex drive, which is what I thought I had been waiting for...the problem is I don't get as turned on by her as I should. When she initiates I am into it, but I never have that drive to start it. My erection is hard when I first enter her, then it subsides a little. The worst is that we work different hours and as soon as she leaves the house I jump on the internet and start stroking it. I can do this for hours and when she comes home I am exhausted, don't want to listen to her or be intimate with her. She has noticed this and we have had some issues.

    I would probably have a 3-4 hour PMO session, 3-4 days per week. Porn, cams, JOI, adult games...I've tried it all. It leaves me feeling empty and worthless, not like the strong, confident man that my girl fell for in the beginning. She is quite comfortable with me viewing porn, and likes to masturbate to it herself sometimes, but I can't help but feel that I am giving my "mojo" away to fantasy characters.

    I need to sort this out once and for all and be a better man for her.

    In my next post I'll summarise how my first attempt went and the lessons I learned. Ciao for now.
     
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the forum!

    What benefits did you notice when you went 26 days without PMO?

    Was sex with your girlfriend better after abstaining so many days?
     
  3. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Hi All

    I have decided that it is absolutely essential for me to quit porn once and for all.

    My reasons are:

    1. There is definitely an escalation to more fetish, less-mainstream material – rough sex, 18 year old girls, humiliation and femdom porn and various other legal but weird fetishes.

    2. Porn is always on. I had increased to the point that porn was on my phone, on my laptop and on my home computer. I would view it occasionally during the day while at work. My laptop constantly has viruses on it.
    Porn is taking the place of my sexual intimacy with my SO and she is increasingly aware of it. There are times when she leaves the house and I am straight into masturbation mode.

    3. It makes me feel like less of a “man”, which is a feeling that I love and enjoy. Particularly, getting into more submissive porn.

    4. Scarily, I believe that the erectile dysfunction that many of the users writing on the internet complain of is beginning to happen to me. I have been unable to get an erection the last two times that my SO and I had sex. Part of this may have been nerves about being intimate after so long, but some is a feeling of disconnection and desensitisation, that should simply not be there when having sex with a beautiful and willing woman.

    5. I don’t seek out sex with my SO. I am a healthy guy of only 35 years old and this simply cannot be right. I look at her and instinctively know that she is beautiful and I am lucky to have her, but there is a part of my brain that is so used to looking at beautiful women naked that I don’t react as I should.

    6. I will lose my SO if I don’t make this happen. She is a woman with needs and can probably only excuse me for so long.

    I don’t write the above to look back in shame or judgement on myself. That is not the goal. However, I think that it will be a useful source of motivation at times when the urges are extremely strong.

    The remainder of this journal will help with identifying the benefits that result from this process, (both in relationship terms and in personal well-being) as well as a reminder that the journey is a difficult one. As I have discovered, probably the most difficult one of all – having struggled with additions to marijuana and cigarettes at different times of my life.

    What I do have on my side is that I have managed to get to 23 and then 25 days before relapsing into porn and I know the danger signs. I also know that there may be a feeling of panic during the flatline period of no libido that drives obsessive thinking about “whether it works” and leads me inexorably into “testing” and, eventually, failure. There is about a 2-3 day window in this process and I need to be on guard during this phase.

    I will also need to be on guard after arguments with my SO, after drinking and on a hangover as I know that these are all danger periods.

    In addition, there are some ground rules that I will set myself for this process:

    No absolutes. If I fall off the wagon, as is probably inevitable from time to time, I will not be too hard on myself. The immediate aim will be to put in place steps to ensure that it doesn’t become and binge, followed by a return to bad habits.

    Choosing the best option. The problem is not masturbation per se, it is masturbation to porn that is primarily causing the problem, including an increased desire to masturbate. Therefore, when that horny craving becomes a decision that I can’t put off any more, I will choose to masturbate without porn, if possible without fantasy and simply connecting with the sensation in my body.

    I will pursue intimacy with my SO, but I won’t push it too hard. I am seeking a physical and spiritual connection with her, not a substitute for porn fantasy. I think that this may take some time while my mind recovers.

    So I have not masturbated, with or without porn, since Thursday, meaning that I am on day 7.

    The plan is to eliminate porn from my life entirely, but as a first step I want to get to my wedding night porn-free after which I will sit down and evaluate this journal and consider what I have gained from this process and make a decision as to whether I want to commit to staying porn-free forever.

    I would really and ideally like to involve my SO in this process as I feel like she must be a part of it and I need her understanding and support. And just maybe she will understand me a little bit better as a result.

    Here goes…good luck ;-)
     
  4. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Underdog - so sorry I never responded in February 2012. I failed miserably and then dropped by bundle completely, to the point where I was ashamed to even log into this forum.

    Appreciate your work and its great that this resource exists.
     
  5. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Day 9, 10% of the way there. No cravings at all so far, have been keeping super busy and staying away from the computer where possible. Feeling a little less clouded and anxious today than so far in this reboot.

    Had a couple of awesome nights with my SO Thurs and Friday nights. Feel more connected with her than I have in a long, long time. She's such a great girl and I'm so lucky. The best is that I have told her all about what I am doing and why we haven't been sleeping together. She isn't really happy about the whole thing and is desperate for an orgasm herself because its been such a long time. But she loves me enough to be patient.

    If I remember from my attempts to reboot in early 2012 this period is the calm before the storm and it never helps to get complacent. You can go from no cravings to being surrounded by potential triggers and being sucked into the porn vortex.

    It is interesting observing all the times when I would ordinarily have porn on my screen while doing other things on the PC - eg, halftime during a sports match, with my SO in the other room. Weird obsession...

    One day at a time.
     
  6. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Day 10

    I realise that my porn use is the equivalent of a child cuddling a favourite blanket. It makes the pain go away for a while, but paradoxically brings it back worse by increasing the fear and anxiety.

    I am a professional, I have my own business and I have been through hell and back with stress and anxiety to get it profitable. I take to much on myself and I don't like to complain to the people around me as I'm afraid that they will see me as weaker that they thought. I have in the past vented with PMO. I wonder how many others can relate to that story?

    A lot of what I do is based around being strong, being the man, never being weak. Particularly in my relationships with women. Girlfriends have often said to me that they love how manly and masculine I am. But that's not how I always feel on the inside. I feel like there are few people who truly know me.

    Not down, just reflecting/introspecting.

    For any who are struggling with craving etc, when I quit smoking something I learned doing it made all the difference to me. It is a part of mindfulness practice that is commonly used in addiction "urge" control and its very powerful. When you are feeling anxious or you have a craving don't try to block it out or avoid it by trying to change your feelings. That will just make it come back stronger. Instead focus your conscious thought on it in a detached, impartial way (without judging the feeling). You will be amazed about the feeling going away. Just jeep doing that and the urge will pass after a few minutes.

    Worked for me (with smokes) and I hope it helps some of you.

    Anyway, hope you all have a great day and get one day closer to your goals and dreams. I'm going to, you can count on it 8)
     
  7. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Well fuck me. I'm so bored!

    My dick is in the morgue. He's not bothering me with his needs right now. Also, I've been keeping busy and until today I didn't even have any cravings.

    So why has time slowed down to a crawl? Could it be thinking about how it would feel to be a "whole" bloke again, something that I want so badly to happen now? Is it just some function of my subconscious resulting from quitting porn?

    Or is the boredom some sort of low dopamine response. I am happy enough right now, but a bit half-hearted about everything I do.

    I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. That realisation I think has sparked some cravings, minor memories of some favourite video scenes. I can beat these easy enough...I hope...

    Anyone got any advice???
     
  8. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Also, I feel like there is a rough road ahead...anyone got advice about how to start a meditation practice and actually stick with it?

    Its something I can't seem to do....
     
  9. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Ah, I have seen the face of my enemy. 12 Days in. There's a tingle in my pants that comes with a set of thoughts of temptation. It feels nice, so nice in fact that it just feels wrong not to given in. So subtle at first. I know that if I just hold on it will pass and everything will go limp once more. But then it will return, stronger, like an itch that hasn't been scratched.

    What do you want?

    Behind door number one: a limp lifeless cock and the worry that it will never come right
    Behind door number two: instantly 50 - 70% hard and all the imaginary beauties you can handle.

    Batten down the hatches, its going to be a stormy voyage ride! Pass the rum...on second thoughts don't.

    Aaaaargh! I'm adrift in my own clichés!

    Damn you porn, damn you to hell!
     
  10. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Oh shit, its day 13, not 12. well allelujah and bring out the pink champagne.

    2 weeks tomorrow, hang in there Reg. You can do this.
     
  11. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Anxious fella

    Day 14, proud of myself for making it two weeks. Its a good start.

    Something on my mind particularly today with work stuff; I suffer from a high level of anxiety and perfectionism. The irony of that is that it makes me a great procrastinator, particularly with porn and the internet. My PMO habit was my way of disconnecting from the pain of that. Just like it was my way of disconnecting from my fiancé when things become tough between us (or maybe a passive aggressive way of getting my revenge).

    There are so many times over the past couple of years where the anxiety got to the point where I could barely breath and that I seriously considered whether I wanted to continue this way. Life isn't fun like this.

    I know that I need to find a cure for my anxiety. I don't believe in therapy or drugs. I have lots of great ideas, like meditation, disconnecting from the internet and TV, spending time in quiet every day, but I even procrastinate from implementing them. None of those things are that painful, surely? I don't understand my brain sometimes. I am very good at analysing the problem and coming up with solutions, but so bad at putting anything into practice.

    I would love to hear from anyone who has had any luck in dealing with their anxiety. In particular the kind that is afraid the end of the world is around every corner.

    To change the subject, I had some nice feeling in my cock this morning, not a hard on, but just a nice feeling that started all by itself. I think that's the first feeling in my cock that I have felt for a really long time. Other than morning wood during previous attempts at rebooting. So amazing that its been so long since I had a random erection that I can't even remember it. I can only think back to school days when it would pop up unannounced all the time. I'd love to have that back! My weapon of mass destruction back in action!

    Didn't touch it, I think its still too early. I'd like to give it 30 days before any touching at all. I think that touching has lead me to relapse in the past, and I can't contemplate failure this time. My (future) marriage is on the line and I don't want it to end before it began.

    Hope all y'all have a great day, getting better one day at a time.
     
  12. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Phew! What a day. Was out and about in the city today with my fiance. Nice sunny day and my head was swivelling 360 degrees at anything that looked remotely like a passable female. Was kinda stressful actually, I felt like a perv even though I was trying my best not to look. It was so automatic and I am sure she must have noticed a couple of times.

    Need to work on that...one of my various fetishes was non-nude/swimsuit and a short dress or tight clothing can really trigger me. Not sure how I solve that problem...never leave the house for fear of temptation?

    Last night was interesting, spent the whole night waking up with a half erect cock, think I had a few sexy dreams along the way. Don't remember that before, so I'll take it as progress. It was kind of nice and oddly not frustrating. All that excitement died down in the light of day though.

    Other than that, pretty much still flatline. A few sneaky memories of porn entering the brain but nothing particularly tempting. Its good, I think I need some time and space to make progress before the beast wakes up.

    Feeling good about the process. Also feel like I am making some progress with my fiancé. We are communicating better and are moving in the right direction towards intimacy. I have enjoyed our cuddles recently and finding her body attracting me more and more, even if it hasn't lead to anything in the "steel rod" category as yet. This progress is worth everything that I am going through so far. Jeez I want to be a man, not a 35 year old boy.

    Have to remind myself to remember my past relapses...one minute its fine the next, BAM. Porn insanity.

    Definitely finding writing this journal to be very cathartic and I get so much from reading all of your stories. There are a lot of good-hearted men out there trying to better themselves. We come from all walks of life, some are experienced with women and some are not; some are having serious problems with ED and some are just wanting to rediscover their drive and purpose; some find this process a lot easier than others.

    I enjoy the refreshing honesty of everyone here, even if we are all a little cock-obsessed! I could never imagine going to a men's group and getting up and saying "my name's XXXX and I am a porn addict and a premature ejaculator with early stage erectile dysfunction".

    Ramble on.
     
  13. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Where too from here?

    Had some weird dream that I was jacking off to fantasy. In the dream I stopped after I realised that I was not supposed to, and I remember being so worried that I was harming my reboot and sending myself toward a relapse. Then the dream jumped to some crazy shit where I had a dog (always used to have dogs before now) and he had my trouser leg in his mouth and wouldn't let go. I had to whack him on the mouth to make him release me, but as soon as I did that I felt complete guilt and thought of his pain. I ran to my bedroom and lay down screaming "don't die, don't die!")

    Psychoanalyse that...

    Wake up and libido is still dead. From previous reboot attempts I know that this is normal for me, but I still feel really impatient with the process. I know that this makes it worse and leads to all sorts of things, like testing, testing with porn etc.

    Kia kaha!
     
  14. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    Fuuuuuuuck. I have to get on here, I'm trying to do some urgent work but I can't concentrate. Pictures of my favourite pornstar keeping popping into my head and the urges just to have one little peek are so strong. I know that one picture will not be enough.

    It seems so appealing, but reading other posters' comments about their negative feelings after relapse is helping.

    I really need to be stronger than this.

    If anyone's reading sorry about the short posts but I need to vent.
     
  15. Regenesis

    Regenesis Out of the vortex

    I'm going to keep a record of when I get my urges/cravings and what I think may have triggered them. Hopefully it will help to see common themes.

    Trigger: being out in public yesterday with hot girls everywhere, stressful day at work, procrastination, yoga video in another user's thread.

    Urge: look at just one photo of favourite pornstar

    Strength: 8/9 out of 10

    What did I do: Journaled on YBR, took a deep breath

    Result: It passed after about 45 minutes of recurring
     
  16. JustMe

    JustMe New Member

    Inspiring stuff Reg, keep going! You asked about meditation. I found going to a Yoga class early in the morning was helpful. Meditating alone in my bed sometimes led to fantasies but being around others of a like mind can keep you focused.
     

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