Hello to all and much thanks to whoever created this forum, as everyone here already knows, it is much needed. My first post, so a little about me. I am a 57 year old controls engineer, divorced, trying to make a new relationship work. I have had problems with porn-induced ED for over 10 years now. At first I suspected physical problems, so I went to my doctor, who said he couldn't find any problems. He sent me to a urologist, who also couldn't find any problems. Final diagnosis? Some sort of psychological/emotional/relationship issue must be the problem. Sound familiar? Anyway, the recommendation was counseling and these new blue pills that had recently come out. Which in fact did help a lot....for a while. Then not so much....then not really at all. I've been working with computers since I bought my TI-99_4A back in the day. Working with computers most of my adult life, I was an early internet porn fan. It was great! Like an endless flowing river of sexual stimulation and gratification. And as a product of the 'if it feels good, do it!' generation, I didn't see any harm in it. In fact, in any discussions of masturbation I saw online or in magazines, etc., the general consensus seemed to be that masturbation was healthy and good for you, so why not indulge? It did seem odd that I had no ED problems when using porn, but did with my then-wife. Since I could obviously have an erection with porn, it must have been that she was just not doing it for me any more. So I played around a bit on the side...strangely enough, those girls couldn't do it for me either, I would have to run scenes of the porn I had watched through my head to get it up. Maybe I'll go through the ways porn screwed up my relationship some other time, for now its enough to say I ended up divorced about 8 years ago. Which in some ways was OK because at least I could PMO with no worries about trying to keep it from the wife. The continuing ED was really worrying me by now though, and made me fearful of even trying another relationship because of the fear of failing to perform with an actual woman. About 5 years ago, I began thinking myself that porn may be playing a role in my ED problems. I even asked my doctor at the time about it, but he just laughed it off and told me there was no correlation between porn or excessive masturbation and ED. In fact he told me he wouldn't even consider 'excessive' masturbation to be a possibility....if I masturbated a lot, it just meant I had a higher sex drive than some...and have I tried the tan pills instead of the blue ones? They might have a better effect for me. The thought kept nagging away at me though and I would google it periodically. Finally I found the 'Your Brain on Porn' site and things just went CLICK in my head. It all made sense. That was a year or so ago. Even though it made sense, as we all know, the quitting is the hard part. I have tried off and on over the last year, but always went back to it. Finally, a few weeks ago, I hit one of those rock bottom moments addicts talk about. Again, I won't go into details today, but it shook me up hard. It was finally enough to make me realize what this addiction is doing to my life, and worse, the lives of people I care deeply about. So I quit. No porn (forever), no masturbating (for now), no orgasms (also for now). I know the power of support in breaking addictions so I found this site, and here I am: TiredOfEd, 2 weeks porn-free as of today, looking to get (and give) as much support as possible.
Re: Tired of ED Welcome. Stopping porn and masturbation will be the best thing you can do for yourself. There's a lot of help to be found here.
Re: Tired of ED Welcome to the forum TiredofED. You are in the right place. Check in regularly, read other's journals, and be sure to post often on your own. Good luck with your journey...
Re: Tired of ED Hi tired I joined about a week ago and feel this forum is an excellent place for support. I like you for years justified it to myself that masturbation was harmless, porn just a bit of kinky fun etc but the nature of addiction is that you ratioanlize your actions and convince yourself that what your doing is not dangerous. But its such a lethal addiction that people really do need to wise up. I am luckily still with my wife although Im sure she knows to some degree that Im nurturing some secret. She is lovely but when you start finding erections difficult and then justify it yourself its because your wife isnt dirty enough, adventurous enough, not good enough at giving head, doesnt make all the right noises etc thats when you realise how fucked up the addiction is. A real relationship ruiner, not just partner but friends, work, affects all avenues of your life. I cant believe there isnt a mass public scandal that hasnt brought this epidemic to the forefront of peoples attention. We on this forum are the ones like that of AA, have recognised the problem. How many like me, you and everyone else on here who has harboured the secret for 5, 10, 20 years are still out there allowing porn to consume them unknowingly and unwittingly. The availability of free porn on the net may well lead to millions of sex addicts in the future as well as contribute to huge sexual problems for youngsters as poorly educated young men try to follow through with their pornographic understanding of sex on vulnerable and ignorant girls that may well be wondering what the hell is going on when asked about anal or bukkake. All wrong Im afraid - Someones got a grip with internet porn Anyhow - welcome and good luck freeing yourself.
Re: Tired of ED Welcome, Tired. You're in the right place. Best advice at this point: Keep watching, listening, and reading the info at YBOP site. Come to this forum regularly, read and post often. It makes a huge difference.
Re: Tired of ED Thanks everyone for the immediate support! Between this forum and the YBOP site information, I am hopeful that I will finally kick this thing this time around. I am over two weeks at this point, and seem to be doing well so far. The first week wasn't too rough, because sheer determination got me that far. Week 2 was actually pretty easy because I was on vacation, so access to porn was limited (I had my laptop with me but was pretty much always around friends and family) and I was so busy I didn't really even have time to think about it much. The other thing that helps me a lot is the information on the YBOP site. Being an engineer, I absolutely need to know the WHY of things before I really accept them. The excellent articles on the physical processes involved in our addiction and how porn causes actual physical changes in the brain really brought it home for me. I get it, and it makes such perfect sense. For me, that makes it much easier to muster up the willpower to deny the little voice in my head that keeps pestering me to just go have one quick glance at it. If anyone reading this is in the early stages of this battle, and has not gone over that material yet, I can't recommend strongly enough that you do it...like right now. The other thing that is helping in my case is that I have an amazing woman in my life who was not completely disgusted and bolting for the door when I finally came clean with her about this addiction. She has been nothing but supportive, and in fact she has told me that so many things she was confused about in our relationship now make sense to her. She has started researching PMO addiction herself, and the ability to have a frank honest discussion with her about it all helps me more than I can say. Which brings me to another point. Those of us with this addiction that are somehow still in a relationship with a wife or girlfriend need to be aware of how our addiction affects those people as well. We are not only hurting ourselves, but often times causing hurt and confusion in those we love most as well. My girlfriend believed the problem was her when I couldn't perform. She just figured I didn't find her attractive or sexy enough any more. So if you find your resolve weakening for your own benefit, maybe thinking about how it hurts people you love may help your resolve a bit. Last thing for today, it was sure a sobering realization for me, and it may be for others too. My girlfriends comment about not being sexy enough for me brought it to mind: I finally realized that even if the hottest, wettest, sexiest porn queen in any of the things I watched or in my wildest fantasies were to burst into my bedroom, throw off all her clothes and beg me to take her hard and fast right then and there....I wouldn't be able to. I might (at best) get a little hard for a few moments, but it would be gone before I could do anything with it. That my friends is a realization that I want gone gone gone from my life. And I am absolutely determined that it will be. Thanks all for the support, stay the course!
Re: Tired of ED Short post today, long day at work. Been waking up a lot the last few nights, but have been able to get right back to sleep...the good news is that when I do wake up I have a semi erection, maybe 50%...and some morning wood too. Very welcomed! However from what I have read of others experiences here, I am thinking it maybe the brief increase that seems to come before the dead time for a lot of guys. Thats OK though, all part of the process. I am actually sort of anxious to get it started. Its a 'sooner begun, sooner done' sort of thing. As always, thanks everyone for the support!
Re: Tired of ED Busy and stressful week at work. And of course we all know what a trigger stress can be, so I wasn't surprised to find the urges stronger this week. But I recognize them for what they are and so far they haven't been overwhelming. Physical changes this week are mostly a mild case of blue balls, MW has been off and on, when on maybe 50%. Possibly starting to move into flatline, seems about time for it to kick in. Mood has pretty neutral, not particularly bad or good. No thoughts of porn other than when the trigger hits, so that is a good thing. A lot of help from reading others journals too, the support here definitely makes a difference. That's it for now, not really anything particularly positive or negative. hmmmm....come to think of it, maybe that IS flatlining
Re: Tired of ED Another thing I have noticed is that I am smoking slightly more.....from around a pack a day to maybe a pack and a quarter. Not surprising, that little dopamine junkie in my head is wanting more. I know the reboot will go faster if I quit, the whole idea is to get to normal dopamine levels, but I figured it might be too much to do both at once. My current plan is to get my counter to 30 days, then try dropping the cigs too. I saw a brief thread on this elsewhere on the forum...anyone else have experience with this?
Re: Tired of ED Sounds like all is going well, ToE. That's great to hear. I've been off cigs for years, so don't know about combining that effort with the no-PMO effort. Others here have probably done it and can reply. But I can say that the good effects of the reboot do seem to ripple out, for many of the guys, into other areas of self-improvement. I wish you well with dropping the smokes. That's a tough one, but doable. Think of all the money you'll save.
Re: Tired of ED Thanks midge, yeah I know it's doable, up until last year I had been quit for over 4 years. Then was buying a new house, lotta stress in general, smoked a cigar or two (that couldn't hurt right?)..then it was off to the races again with the cigs. I'm sure it is very much the same sort of thing as playing with just a little porn here after being clean for a while. Next thing you know you are resetting your counter. At least that experience was a good warm up for this journey, once an addict always an addict, it is always lurking there in your head ready for a chance to come back.
Re: Tired of ED Very true. The pull definitely lingers and can drag you down if given half a chance. I will say, though, that I finally got to the point after quitting cigs that they no longer sounded appealing at all. I quit about 25 years ago, stopped a two-pack-a-day habit. But they continued to appeal to me for, I'd say, the next 4 or 5 years. And I would even--once I felt safely past the addiction--have one at a party or when out for beers with buddies. That was stupid, and it probably prolonged the necessary severing of all relationship to ciggies. But eventually I got there; I wouldn't smoke one now if they were suddenly proven to increase health and longevity. Good luck with that, when you decide to do it. I'm sure being PMO free will help with that effort. The no-PMO life sometimes releases vestigial powers that allow you to amaze yourself and others.
Re: Tired of ED Nice dinner with my lady and a good nights sleep last night. No MW or nocturnal erections at all...I do believe I am probably beginning the flatline stage. Felt good when I got up though, nice energy level. Got the lawn mowed. some laundry going, productive day so far. Noticed my counter is at 20 days, that probably is a MO record for me aside from long ago boot camp days. So far I can't really say it has been easy, but can't really say it has been horribly difficult either. I attribute that to a combination of the information on YBOP (knowledge truly is power), my own motivation (I am SO done with Mr Happy not performing when I want him to), and the support and experiences of all of you on here. I know 20 days is just barely a start, and I am in this for the long haul, but at least at this point the feeling that I am finally getting control of that little porn junkie in my head is one of accomplishment. Not complacency however, I know how determined and cunning the little bastard can be, and I still have a long way to go.
20 days is long enough for the worst of the fog to clear. Let us know if the world looks a bit different, brighter and more beautiful, while you're out and about this weekend. There's a point where some kind of re-visioning happens, and you once again see the world with your real, natural-born eyes.
Congratulations on three weeks, ToED! There's no greater gift than being utterly fed up. I'm with you on all accounts. The renewed energy levels are a big boon for me, too. For years I wondered if I had some sort of chronic fatigue issue. That plus the perpetual brain fog was enough to make me doubt myself for a long time. And then something clicked, and I realized I was DONE! Sounds like you've received that same gift.
