Tired of being flat

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by badger, Nov 5, 2020.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    just started on forum. 10 days no mo. have struggled with this addiction since 11 years old. 65 years old now. started with playboy then hustler. x-rated video cassettes. adult theaters/booths. then now with internet-out of control. I am so ashamed of it all. married 42 years. PIED last ten. still working. professional with 2 graduate degrees including doctorate. my wife unaware of my addiction, I think, blames old age for my ED. makes me feel worse since I know the true cause yet haven't done anything about it. I have tried, repeatedly for years. recovered alcoholic, 17 yrs. without a drink. AA helped but I think I just made a decision not to ever drink again. been through 7-8 treatment centers/rehabs for drinking-relapsed every time. recently read a book-Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey. made a lot of sense to me. I believe that's how I defeated my drinking problem, was just not aware that was the term for what I did. 12 step template has not worked for my porn addiction. RR has not worked either. I believe I just don't give my brain time for rewiring. 3 wks is max I have abstained from PMO. just yesterday I watched porn but no mo. I feel like i'm just going through the motions of life now. no joy. no purpose. just existing. I know pmo is the problem, if I can only give my brain time to heal. thank you for letting me ramble on.
     
  2. realness

    realness Active Member

    welcome! This is a great place to ramble and let your thoughts get focused. Inviting others to comment and see your situation from a different perspective is a great thing to do by coming here. Wishing you the best in your recovery. Are there some actionable projects or goals that you can start now to commence with your recovery? I've found it really helpful to have something to do (patio project) to go along with addressing my PMO addiction. It could even be reorganizing a room. Or maybe something you're wife has been asking you to do for a while? That would be a two-for-one, doing something for both her and yourself.

    Adding an active goal that's unrelated to PMO to your recovery gives you periodic breaks mentally from your PMO addiction, serves as a healthy alternative to what you're avoiding, gives you more confidence as you go along, and is an immediate place to return to if you relapse instead of falling into shame or more guilt.

    Definitely check out others' journals. @Saville 's journal is really good, and very close to your age/relationship situation.
     
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard !
     
  4. Cali

    Cali Member

    Welcome to the forum Badger. I can totally relate to your opening post; parts of it was like reading my own life story. I hope this forum helps you, it is nice to have someplace to go where you can openly talk about your PMO struggles.
     
  5. badger

    badger Active Member

    thank you
     
  6. badger

    badger Active Member

    thank you
     
  7. badger

    badger Active Member

    thank you realness. I need to stay off youtube. my main trigger. learning to play guitar. wife has a lot of honey dos.
     
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    How are things going Badger? Have you been managing to stay off YouTube?
     
  9. badger

    badger Active Member

    no. but have not pmo'd. on my computer all day for work. i lie to myself " just a quick peek at youtube, it's not hard porn" but that's the way it usually starts. like when i used to drink, the first beer. need to stay away from first beer. there's a saying in AA" it's the first car in the train that kills you, not the caboose". working on it. thanks for replying. how are things going for you?
     
  10. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I'm hanging in, thanks. I read with interest what you said about the Rational Recovery book. I might need to take a look at that book as my drinking has steadily increased over the last few years to the point I'm now a daily drinker.

    I suppose it depends what you look at on YouTube. If it's a song or a funny video, maybe that's OK. If it's something with questionable content that could lead you down a slippery slope then perhaps best to avoid the site altogether.
     
  11. badger

    badger Active Member

    thanks. usually it's guitar or piano tutorials I watch on youtube. but with AI and previous seen sites it leads me to soft porn. "recommended for you" it says. anyway the book just confirmed what I had done years before on my own. AA is a great help in living life, but again for me did not keep me sober. yesterday watched P but no MO. thank God for sunday night football. sometimes I just watch P to kill time. but it is very dangerous for me. almost MO'd yesterday. been to so many treatment centers/rehab for alcoholism, I lost count. if I can help in anyway with that, i'm here. terrible addiction-drinking. I know this site is for porn but there are very similarities. porn I just can't seem to beat. today is 3 wks sober from porn, this is usually where I relapse. 17yrs sober from drinking. never give up.
     
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    While PMO is undoubtedly an issue, perhaps it's not the real source of your problems. There is a belief among some that porn is not the cause of a under fulfilled life, rather it's a symptom. i.e. we turn to porn (or booze) because we have failed to master things like emotional maturity. Could there be some underlying issue driving your addictive behavior (unresolved issues from your past / trauma)?

    Sounds as if you need your life to have some meaning. Perhaps focus more on the things and the people that really matter to you. Raise your standards, re-connect with your wife, keep getting better at the piano and live each day as best you can.
     
  13. badger

    badger Active Member

    thanks forlorn. you are absolutely correct about porn not the problem but a symptom. had a rough childhood, who hasn't, working through past trauma. keep practicing my music and still married-42yrs. thanks again.
     
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    A rough childhood in what sense? Do you mean you had a difficult upbringing because of something your parents did / didn't do, or are you saying you were bullied as a kid?
     
    realness likes this.
  15. badger

    badger Active Member

    all of the above. but it's what i do now. not what happened years ago. another day clean. this is a new pr for me.
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    How are things now @badger? Still abstaining? Any changes in how you feel? Writing helps a lot!
     
  17. badger

    badger Active Member

    Gil79,
    I am okay for today. almost another day over and no pmo. no porn hangover tomorrow. staying away from youtube-my main trigger. have some fantasy thoughts but do not continue with the action-pmo. as we say in AA 'stinking thinking". need to be aware. do not take anything for granted. complacency another previous problems. thank you for asking. praying for you.
     
    Bilbo Baggins and Gil79 like this.

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