Tim's journey

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by kropo82, Dec 19, 2016.

  1. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    I've been keeping a journal over at NoFap but their counter display is broken so I thought I'd try here too.

    I've a long history of porn use, since I was a teenager way back before the internet. I'm more a fan of soft-core stuff, but I need to stop. Partly because it is so out-of-kilter with my beliefs and what I stand for, partly because I sink way too much time into it, especially when I am stressed at work and so could be usefully spending the time on more productive things, and partly because of my wife. Through my life she's either turned a blind-eye to my porn use, or tried to accept it as part of me, but now we're older it is really eating away at her self-confidence and so she needs me to stop. But it's not easy. I've tried all sorts of things, and even managed to give up porn for a little under two years, but after each spell of abstinence I come crashing back into porn. And it is amazing – especially after a long absence.

    This time feels different, and I hope it is. The three main differences are that
    1. I’ve started by researching the harm done by the pornography industry to those involved. I do not want to be a part of that.
    2. I’ve found these online communities where we can give each other such valuable peer support
    3. I’ve read up about the processes at work in my addiction. It never occurred to me that masturbation is part of the problem – I’ve always viewed it as healthy and even as a way to dissipate sexual tension and thus help me keep away from porn. This time I’m trying a 90-day masturbation free reboot.
    I know this will be a long process and I realise that I will always be addicted to porn. But I hope, with the help of people here, that I will be able to keep away from it forever.
  2. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Member

    hello kropo,

    great to have you on board. we all have much to learn from each other, its great to have another experienced man here to offer guidance and learn. many congratulations on your number of days down the road you have come too. when i first came here i was 0&0, my eyes wide open and my mind ready to learn. i thought id kicked it there and then, little did i know the rollercoaster i would be riding.

    still riding it nearly 3 years later. glad i found this forum. its been a terrific source and a place which offers support without question.

    post frequently and read others journals, there is much to learn wherever you are.

    all the best
    Merton, Billy B. and kropo82 like this.
  3. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Thanks - I agree completely. It's the experimental nature of these shared stories that makes the community so useful
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree that MO is not something addicts can do in a healthy way. MO is for kids, not for grown men.

    Sounds like you have a great handle on what you need to do and what this is all about. The most important thing is to do it for yourself. When we take care of ourselves then we are able to take care of others.

    Looking forward to your journey, bro.
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Back from a lovely family Christmas break and I should be feeling rested, relaxed, and contented but instead I feel desperate for porn. My wife's gone to bed as she's tired so I have the opportunity and I would so love to immerse myself in beautiful images and videos of erotic women. I'm trembling as I type this. But although I know it would be amazing I also know it would be wrong. Wrong for my wife (she needs me to turn my back on porn use), wrong for me (I want to hold on to this successful streak), and wrong for all the women (and men) harmed by the porn industry. I know I am cutting off a pleasure that I relish, but I am going to resist: I will not use porn.
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2016
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    It's been both a hard and a wonderful few days. I feel very close to my wife and although we do not talk about it at the moment I am proud of my 91 days porn-free and my comitment to giving up. I'm giving up for many reasons but one of them is to help restore her self-confidence.

    But I am still, even 84 days into my 90 day no-masturbation reboot, obsessed by porn. I spend too much time looking at these forums and related stites and I am still desperate to look at porn - to lose myself in all those beautiful pictures and videos and I resent myself for cutting that pleasure out of my life forever.

    But I will stay comitted.
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
  7. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    How's your sex life?
  8. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Good - less frequent than when we were young, and taking a bit of a knock because my wife's menopause has affected her libido but when we do make love (once every week or two) it's amazing. Why do you ask?
  9. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    If our porn use affects (trashes) our sex life, that's often one of the main driving factors in us wanting to quit. You hadn't explained whether this was a factor for you so the question seemed pertinent.

    What positives are there for you in quitting?
    kropo82 likes this.
  10. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Great question. There are three broad areas for me.

    One's work related. I find that I loose myself in porn when I am stressed at work. I find porn so beautiful and so all-consuming that if there's a looming deadline at work instead of cracking on and doing the work I need to do I end up spending hours and hours and hours lost in porn. I think I'm hiding from the stress of the real world. That's clearly a bad idea but I cannot seem to help it. When I am stressed and close to a failure / success point I turn to porn to seek solace.

    One's about my wife. Through most of our lives together she has been able to turn a blind eye to my pornography use. But now that we are middle aged she finds that knowing I use porn is sapping her self-esteem. That got so bad that she had to deliver an ultimatum - I had to stop porn use or she felt she needed to leave. Sadly she expected me to choose porn, that's how low her self-esteem had got. Of course that's not what I choose — I would put her before anything else in my life — but that's when I realised that I had a bigger problem, and addiction, because it has been so hard to stop.

    And one's personal & political. I'm a feminist and I believe that the porn industry is harmful. Extremely harmful to those in the industry but also harmful to society as a whole and especially our attitudes to women. It's clearly hypocritical to proclaim that view while also using porn and that disonance in me made me feel bad.

    So to put them in positive terms giving up porn will
    1. Show my wife how committed I am to her and to her sence of self-esteem;
    2. Encourage me to face stresses at work head on and devote the time and effort needed to overcoming them; and
    3. Bring my political views and personal life into a harmonious whole.
    Thanks for your interest @Zippy, it was useful to spell them out.
    Zippy likes this.
  11. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Keep your eye on the ball (of positives) and the next 93 days should be easier than the first. Switching off thoughts of porn as soon as they arise will also make things easier. Think "I don't do that anymore" and move your attention to what you now do that you are proud of.
  12. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Thanks Zippy - that kind of thought-process should prove useful, I'll give it a go. I do have a tendency to dwell on porn thoughts, so I'll go for your "I don't do that anymore" and move on. Your 744 day count is dead impressive, thanks for passing on what you've found helpful.
    Zippy likes this.
  13. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Last day of my Christmas break today and this morning everyone was out. Instead of immersing myself in porn I went for a 5K run, did 30 minutes of yoga, and baked some bread. Way more productive!
  14. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Ta-da! This has to be worth a pause for thought:


    I'm surprised (and proud) that I have managed 90 days without masturbating. My intuition was that masturbation was one of the activities that would help me overcome my pornography addiction, after all I find it particularly difficult to resist porn when both my mind and my body seem to be desperate. Sating the body seemed a useful way to reduce the desperation. But this community is all about experimentation and support and so as it has worked for others I wanted to give it a try, and this run of 97 days without porn does feel easier, my resolve does feel stronger. Of course I cannot be sure which of the many factors caused that strengthening, but abstaining from masturbation for 90 days could be a part.

    But I do not feel the wild benefits some of the other addicts here have. Abstaining from masturbation has not transformed my personality. I still have trouble meeting my goals, I do not feel a rush of masculinity, and (perhaps most significantly) I still find it difficult to resist pornography. I think that’s just a lure I am going to have to live with: some days will be a battle with porn but hopefully when those days come I have the resolve to get through them.

    I am at a decision point. Was 90 days enough? Since I managed 90 days I am tempted to set myself the further challenge of reaching 180 days without masturbation. Then, surely, I’ll have reaped the benefit such a reset may have on my mind. I think I’m convinced, I’ll adjust the counter in my sig.
    bobjes likes this.
  15. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Nice one Tim! My findings concur with yours. I have no personality transformation to report either. And re. masturbation, despite my lofty day counter tally, I'm confident I'm just one wank away from a return to PMO rock bottom.
    kropo82 likes this.
  16. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Day 99 of my now-targetting-180-day reboot, and 106 days without porn. I don't know if this is a lull in my libido but it is starting to feel easier. I’m using @Zippy’s suggestion of declaring “I don’t do that anymore” and I’m surprised how quickly I can then move my thoughts on to something else. The lower libido could be a problem but I’m not going to worry about that until after my 180 reboot is over on the 5th of April. My wife’s menopause is affecting her libido too and so between the two of us we are pretty monkish! But close, my dedication to giving up pornography is definitely helping her see how important her self-esteem is to me.

    One other thing. Because I am not obsessing about pornography and am not in such a constant struggle I am coming to these forums less. I still intend to come and journal my progress and find out how others are doing, but if things stay good for me my visits will not be frequent.
    Zippy likes this.
  17. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    You are doing great! Keep up the great work! Good job on not letting the worries get to you. The worries have a way of eventually breaking us down when we began to fuel these worries to the extent where we fall into PMO. Remember we have been damaging our bodies for many years through PMO. Just like Rome wasn't built in a day, it's going to take some time for our bodies to repair. Focus on the fact that you have stopped damaging your body and that you will eventually heal and be back to 100%.


    kropo82 likes this.
  18. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    A day homeworking and then an evening on my own. I've not been perfect, sat watching TV eating biscuits rather than the 1,000,001 virtuos things I'd planned. But I have resisted porn. That's good.
  19. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Mainly straightfoward at the moment so not much to report. Some difficult days but many many more easy days than I expected. It feels like something's different this time. I still do not know if that is just the culmination of all these attempts to give up porn, quitting masturbation as my 180 day reset, or knowing this thread and these communities are there. But so far it's working.
  20. kropo82

    kropo82 New Member

    Well it's 146 days without porn and 139 days into my 180 day no-masturbation reboot. These next few days will be a challenge as my wife's away with her sister and so I have the house to myself. But I feel I can resist porn. There are 1,000,001 things I have planned for these few days and if I focus on the things I want to do rather than the thing I do not want to do I'll be happy (and have got lots done!) Wish me luck.

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