Day 19 I would have relapsed today. Was searching for a meme. Came across a porn meme. Didn't take long to go to her twitter. Which led another pornstar twitter which led to an onlyfans model. I would have clicked her free content, managed to say myself what are you doing? This was enough to stop me. This 10 minutes itself gave me rush. Feel sick and disappointed.
Day 22 Parents have got covid. I am feeling overwhelmed by work at home and dealing with them. Asshole of a dad didn't take precaution and got reinfected. Mom got it for first time. Dad as usual is completely disconnected from us. Had argument with mom since she couldn't decide what she wanted for breakfast. I might have got it. Might be asymptomatic. Have to remain home due to this.
Today would have been day 26 if I hadn't relapsed. Had thoughts of porn since I woke up. Might have watched it for 2-3 hours. Edging. Couldn't make myself finish to it. PMOing to porn makes for bad physical withdrawals. I had it coming. With having to isolate due to many people around me getting covid. This is one of most difficult thing I am doing. Other being dealing with mental health problems.
Acting upon curiosity is dangerous for recovery. I thought I will just check if that website is still around. Didn't take time for complete relapse.
Day 3 Don't think with your dick. When you do something online or offline based on sensations in dick learn to stop yourself. Apart from having sex with partner/spouse.
Day 4 I was searching for a youtuber last night. Realized there is a pornstar with her name. Went to pornstar's twitter page this morning. My heart raced. Usual anticipation of porn. I would have relapsed. Awareness of racing heart stopped me from.
Slipped after day 13. Masturbated last night without porn. Interesting thing is I didn't feel tired after doing so. And didn't have usual bad feelings. But chaser effect got to me this morning.
Day 5 I think I might have postorgasmic illness syndrome. I remember having its symptoms since last 4-5 years. Just one thing after another. It seems to be my fate to struggle with stigmatizing problems till I die.
Day 28 I was checking a follower on social media. Likely a bot. Simply checking that account made me shaky. It had a link. Clicked on link it obviously directed to porn site. Heart was racing with anticipation. Why did I even do that? A moment of cheap thrill might have made me fall on face. Realization that I have POIS was sobering. I am finding it easier to stay away from going back to porn so far. Has given me a concrete reason. But I have made to go past 30 days previously. And still managed to relapse.
