Day 6 Complete. Got to know about Gary Wilson's passing away. His TEDx video and Your Brain On Porn acquainted me with porn addiction and its unhealthy effects. Introduced me to this and other communities. He will live on in our memories and ideals.
Day 7 Complete. There is burning feeling in soles of my feet. Can't say if its due to nofap or due to summer days intensified by humid weather.
Day 9 Complete. My mood and energy levels have improved in last few days. Enough to take initiative to do household chores and sometimes cook. Things seem better so far.
Day 10 Complete. Don't have much to tell. At first I felt that this time I will quit forever. Then realized on recent streaks I had relapsed after more than two weeks. I have to be on guard for self deception. Lying to oneself.
Day 12 Complete. I had dream this morning that I was looking at porn on smartphone. In dream I went to maybe 2-3 porn pics and thought to myself now that I have relapsed am I free to fap to porn. Then I thought this is not relapse and closed whatever app I was looking at. Then realized it was a dream. I was like - I am saved It is likely I will have more dreams like this in next few days. Maybe a wet dream.
Day 13 Complete. I was bit low this morning. Last few days I was thinking about dating but this morning I realized it was going to be hard for. Even if I get girlfriend I have been on my own for so long I doubt if I can tolerate her presence. I don't think I will be able to share my life with anyone without intense fear and self doubt. This morning I was checking out games on steam. In game list on home page there was a sexual game. I didn't feel rush I usually would have felt. Didn't click on it. Previously it would have been stuck in my head and lead me to watching porn. Not giving in made me feel good about myself. There was small family reunion today. I felt excluded. Realized those guys do lot of things without me. I can't follow current trends. Because of mental illness I have missed out on lot of things. I realize I am still a loner even after having big family. Feel fallen behind.
Day 15 Complete. I am getting frustrated by my dad's behavior. He has really obstructive disposition. I am feeling stuck with him against my will. I can't do job due to mental illness. Have no friends. It is depressing.
No matter what I do I always end up regretting things. I take a decision one way or other end up regretting it. Something always goes wrong.
Day 16 Complete. I cried yesterday after more than 2 weeks. I find I have less difficulty shedding tears while on nofap. While fapping to porn even when I do it once a week I am emotionally numbed out enough that I don't seem to be able to become aware of depressing things in my life. My body seemed bit warm today after waking up this morning. Feeling subsided quickly as got going with day.
Day 18 Complete. Yesterday evening and today till now was troubling. I cried. When you get away from porn or any other addiction you start becoming aware of other problems in your life.
Day 19 Complete. I almost relapsed about an hour ago. I was bit bored. So I searched for a porn comic. I somehow stopped myself from clicking on images. I feel shriveled down there. I feel I have taken first step towards relapse.
Day 1 I feel I am never gonna make it. I have been pmoing more years than I have been alive. I used to hate my dad for being alcoholic. He beat me to it by getting and staying clean for more than a decade. I don't know how he managed it. He just says once he decided he quit the moment. By sheer will? My psychiatrist said same thing when I complained about porn addiction to him.
