I discovered porn maybe around when I was 12 or 13. Been making unsuccessful attempts to stop since 14. As of now I am 27. Will be posting here as I get time.
Day 2 I was feeling lethargic around noon. Fell asleep before lunch. Reading book You Are Not Your Brain By Jeffrey Schwartz. I can't relate to any of case studies the author has described so far. All of them have life. Careers. Language of book seems somewhat annoying to me. Words like Wise Advocate. True Self. What the heck! I don't feel I have much choice now. As my journal title says I don't feel I have much time left to manage this addiction and other troubling psychological things. Theory behind approach suggested by author is that of mind-body dualism. It is one thing which has intrigued me so far.
Day 3 After surfing for half an hour/45 minutes online my eyes are feeling tired. Similar to what I experienced after day 1. I experienced calf muscle cramps after taking nap in afternoon. Had to get off the bed. It was hot and humid past few days here which was further annoyance. About book I am reading author calls limbic system of brain part sending "deceptive messages" and prefrontal cortex "real you" or "wise advocate" somewhat similar to Daniel Kahneman's System 1 and System 2. Then it was emotions and emotional sensations. Later being messages limbic system sending you messages. Former real response. Important thing I realized today from book is identifying deceptive messages. When I have craving to surf porn it goes out something this way, "well let's search for this pornstar whose name is popping in my head." or "I can't clearly recall that porn scene (pictures/videos whatever) in detail. I will just take a peek at it or similar thing." Now that I writing it putting it in clear words what goes in my head or what deceptive messages I get I find it ridiculous. After I act on such innocent urges it doesn't take much time to decide well this will be my last time. I reset my tracker afterwards this for real. It is troubling to realize how many times I might have reset tracker by acting on these urges.
Day 4 I am experiencing ringing in left ear (tinnitus). It is usual thing when I am nofap. Probably withdrawal symptom. It was good day otherwise.
Relapsed. I was looking for a file in my smartphone. After I searched it I came across several saved porn files. Instead of deleting those and moving on I started opening each of those. Before I can stop myself and back off I was fapping. Then said to myself well fuck it now that I have relapsed why not fap for last time. Now post nut clarity makes it obvious I should have simply deleted those files at point I decided to fap. That would have been better. Have reset tracker. Snap out of it!
Relapsed again. Chaser effect was strong since waking up in morning. I had thoughts about just porn since getting off bed. I wrote down urges I was having. It helped momentarily. This stuff is difficult to stop. I did work I could do around home. Have reset tracker.
Day 1 complete. Feels weird to say Day 1 complete. I was going trough my first and longest nofap/pornfree streak journals. I used to think I didn't have craving or other difficulty. Actually I did. I realized after reading old journal. But I realize those cravings were not as bad. Few times I experienced those I was easily able to refute those. This time is different. I feel helpless and completely controlled by craving after certain time. Jeffrey schwartz says in book when we say "I can't" we actually mean "I won't" I don't think it to be true. I fear addiction has got so powerful I have become helpless in front of it. And another thing he states "Biology is not destiny" it might be true when you deal with anxiety, depression or addiction purely but I experience psychotic disorder as well. Which feeds into anxiety and addiction and which in turn feed into psychosis. I take treatment. Psychosis is under control. But I haven't improved jackshit. I have deteriorated socially. Feel more inadequate and inferior than ever before. It creates a superstitious fear for me to say my psychosis was never as bad to begin with. I fear saying so will exacerbate it. I digressed. Real reason I don't believe in his statement is that there are families in which anxiety and depression run in families. I am one of those. With history of bipolar depression. But I have to believe it. Because I hope to overcome anxiety and porn addiction. Mental illness is going to stay with me forever. I am having crying bouts. Created by enormity of things I have to manage. Stopping porn. Managing mental illness. Polishing social life. Starting earning money.
Relapsed. It started with surfing. I came across sexually suggestive part in a video I was watching. Which prompted me to search for porn. At first I told myself I will take a single peek. Ended up edging for more than four hours. One thing I realized while surfing I am expecting to accidentally come across sexual material while surfing net. Which in a way will give an excuse to search for porn. It makes me question my resolve to stop porn and masturbation. To be more critical of hiding intentions to watch porn. I will have to be more aware of myself while surfing or decrease internet surfing.
After I relapsed today I started experiencing chaser effect. Part of me was saying now that we have relapsed why not do it once more. We will do it nicely, slowly. Not in a hurry. Other part of me was screaming no. No way. If you give in to it you will never be able to stop. Somehow I heard to later voice. Didn't watch porn. We all have two voices inside. One of them tells us that it's okay to give in. You can always start anew. Other part is grounded. Realistic. Inhibiting us from doing things which we for sure regret later. Tempting part is most of times loud and inhibitory rational part doesn't have much sway for us addicts most of times. Troubling part I feel is that my response to chaser effect today seemed beyond my control. I feel I got lucky in stopping myself from fapping to porn once again. I can't figure out what psychological maneuvers I did inside my mind that made me able to ignore tempting part and go with rational one.
Day 1 completed. I am experiencing bit of lethargy currently. And groin pain. Pain was there in afternoon for 20 to 30 minutes. Experiencing it again now. I usually experience such pain after ejaculating.
Day 2 complete. Not much happened. But I did have same groin pain in morning as yesterday. It is too hot and humid here today.
Relapsed. One thing I have realized it starts with aimless internet surfing and boredom. I am going through youtube or reddit. After some time I get tired because of it. And in that state I slip. I start edging to deal with boredom and tiredness. I will stop surfing from now on whenever I feel tired. Get outside. Or take a nap if possible.
Relapsed. One thing I have realized it starts with aimless internet surfing and boredom. I am going through youtube or reddit. After some time I get tired because of it. And in that state I slip. I start edging to deal with boredom and tiredness. I will stop surfing from now on whenever I feel tired. Get outside. Or take a nap if possible.
Relapsed in morning. I said to myself since I have just watched porn I won't be resetting tracker. But watching porn is main thing I want to stop. I was surfing porn for more than 30 minutes. Masturbating or not is second priority for me.
Day 1 complete. Went back to reading book I mentioned in previous posts. Author tells of case study of a stroke patient whose left? side of body is paralyzed. How she recovered and difficulties she experienced. He tells of how paralysis affected he physically as well as mentally. He tells about this case study put phenomenon of neuroplasticity forward. What annoyed me was patient can be prior to paralysis considered a high functioning even for average healthy person. Physically and skill wise demanding social job. She works in zoo. Heavily active in social life. I can't figure out why he gave example of a physically affected person overcoming problem instead of a psychologically affected person overcoming theirs. Since book is mostly about anxiety, depression and obsessions-compulsions and addictions. Whatever psychological problems of her were those were secondary and induced by paralysis. One thing I was relieved by he asks readers to think of future goals and purpose instead of past achievements. I don't have past achievements but I do have come goals.
Day 2-3 Complete. I was tweaking drivers of my PC. Couldn't get it to work way I wanted. It took two days in trying to make it work. Good thing was that I was occupied by it for whole time. Was able to stay way from porn easily. You are not your brain book is hard to comprehend. I have decided to stop reading it for few days. It seems repetitive and annoying.
Day 4 Complete. Have decided to go back to reading books for leisure and out of curiosity. Reading too much self-help crap had declined my interest in reading. Even books written by clinical psychologists and psychiatrist were not of much help. I am taking back non-fiction whose primary goal is not self-improvement. Maybe some novels as well.
