Time to start another self-discovery journal!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by selfdiscovery, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. selfdiscovery

    selfdiscovery New Member

    SOOO glad I found this place. I had a journal at the no-porn website for the past 14 years or so...was sad to see that the website apparently went down, so this is just what I needed. Not much time to write tonight anymore but I'm just here to be thankful for once again getting to read and share thoughts with others who are going through the same struggles. The important thing I need to remember is that our recovery 'toolbox' needs to change and adapt as we move forward. We can never be complacent, since the inner addict thrives on the times when we are. If one tool no longer serves us, much like any other job, we need to seek out the proper tool that works for the job. My job is to seek recovery, not continue to work addiction. I don't want this journal to be an echo of what I wrote before - there was reams of stuff - some of it good, some of it just trying to sound good and to convince myself that I was getting it all together. It is so important to try to distinguish between what is real and what isn't, within our own minds. What sometimes appears to be the right direction can turn out to be the wrong way. The inner addict (sort of getting tired of that phrase now after so many years...have to find a different description) has a way of twisting our thoughts and actions into those that deviously are moving us towards the 'slippery slope' (another probably overused conceptualization but nonetheless valid). OK..enough for now....

    Stay strong, stay sober......
  2. selfdiscovery

    selfdiscovery New Member

    One more thought...easily said, not easily adhered to....if it feels wrong in some way, it probably is. ACTION...NOT WORDS is the key. Be careful of this journal merely becoming a means of adding more words to the recovery effort. I've written thousands of words and yet here I still am. Let's find some new approach...not sure what that is yet.
    Mad Dog likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    How has your recovering been going since you started? I am also still here after 7 years or so. Have been struggling so much, but looking back (also literally in my old journal) I can see how I have grown.
  4. selfdiscovery

    selfdiscovery New Member

    Hi Gil79....haven't been here for awhile but SHOULD HAVE being that I just had a porn slip yesterday. It's so weird. It'll come out of nowhere and before I know it (even though I'm fully conscious of what I'm doing) I'm heading down the path, clicking on all the wrong things, heart starts pounding (we all know about that, right?) and then...wham-o. Lasted about 40 minutes and then done. Did not go back. I'm disgusted with myself afterwards (we all know about that too). Thanks for reaching out to me. Wish I had access to my old journal back on no-porn.org (which seems to be forever gone - no idea what happened to it -was on that site for well over 10 years). Since you asked, I've been doing pretty well - up until last evening. I still look (more like ogle) - one of the worst parts of my addiction, and still struggle with MB. I agree with you...we HAVE grown from what we've done and learned, but it ain't enough. We can NEVER be complacent. Every time I think I've got some stuff together and really doing well, that's when I'm probably the most vulnerable. Take care and best of luck going forward.

    Stay strong...stay sober...
    Boxer17 likes this.
  5. selfdiscovery

    selfdiscovery New Member

    Why am I so drawn to that which I typically wind up looking at online (or even in public for that matter)? Where did it start, and why? The real answers to these two questions would be enlightening. Ultimately doesn't matter of course. I know all about the medial preoptic area of the brain and how it bonds to early sexual experiences and so forth, but to be able to go back and actually KNOW what happened sequentially and when would probably be of use. How it all began.

    Is my looking at young females a way to try and deny my own (or spouse's) aging? A way to cling to youth? (what a terrible way to do it if so). Never thought about some of these particular angles before, but they likely come into play. If this is what's happening, then somehow need to come to grips and be comfortable with who I am...to count blessings and not want for more. BUT...isn't always wanting more exactly what this addiction is all about??? I have to think on this...there must be something in there that I can add to the 'recovery toolbox'. I must try to keep in mind that if I'm not actively working recovery, I'm probably working addiction. It's that simple. I KNOW a huge part of my addiction (and what I gravitate to online) centers largely around MB - so that's likely the key component to searching the past for the origins of the addiction. AND....always haunting me is wondering what else is back there that may be suppressed and might never surface. Would some professional psychological help be worthwhile? I always think back to what Shirley told me relative to 'peeling away layers of an onion' to uncover things not revealed before. This recovery effort is largely like that. So I had the slip...but now let's move on and try to do better.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. selfdiscovery

    selfdiscovery New Member

    Another slip....once again KNEW subconsciously that it was inevitable. This is probably the scariest part (and alluded to this in the "why us" thread that I created here) - how much do I truly want to "recover". Let's face it...I love masturbating, and do truly enjoy and am aroused by some of what I find on internet porn. Other parts repulse me and even in the midst of viewing often think...'why am I wasting my time with this?'. I have lately really started to be more and more interested in why this all came about (hence the thread). Perhaps it's ultimately less important then I think it might be, but I can't help but wonder if whether or not whatever early experiences that are seemingly blocked out or buried in the past would somehow be brought to light or at least effectively processed, would help with recovery efforts or whatever it is that keeps driving me backwards. And, of course, the problem with viewing is that the images I've seen often stay with me, thus helping facilitate another relapse.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I have found that delving into my past has never cleared the way forward. I'm now just over 60, but spent decades trying to figure out what was wrong with me. When I discovered through YBOP and YBR that I was, indeed, an addict, I just drank kool-aid and decided to believe in the process 100%. In a way it's like surrendering to the collective wisdom gathered on these pages. We have to understand that we don't have a clue who we are and that our belief systems are garbage. This allows us to just let each day happen.

    In the old days, before sabermetrics changed (ruined) baseball, if a pitcher had trouble finding the strike zone they might tell him to lift his leg higher. Often once the pitcher concentrated on something different his natural ability we would reestablish itself (reboot). This made sure that the pitcher didn't get stuck inside his own head, as he thought about arm angles, spin rate, etc. The interesting thing that I've found after more than 3 years sober is that the past is now opening up to me in a natural way; I see clearly where I misstepped. However it doesn't matter, because I'm no longer that person. This is what being born again really means, imo. We are tethered to that fertilized ovum, but we are not the ovum any more, any more than a butterfly is a caterpillar.

    Move slowly, take cold showers, do the little jobs that you've put off, and you will create momentum, a momentum that will shove P and F off to the side.
    A New Man and Boxer17 like this.

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