Time to kill old demons of the past

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by wojtekoxx, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    My lowest point of weight was 82.3 , back in the depths of December. Now after whole Xmas and New Years and pigging out, and not dieting I am 82.0 today. Whoa! It's crazy. Maybe it's true, maybe I didn't pig out after all, but I felt that I did, because I was thinner. And it happened after only 3 days of reintroducing diet. Crazy.

    Well, I take antidepressants one of them kills my libido and it's extremely easy to NoFap. Problem is, after 2 days of nofap your penis behaves like he fapped 1 hour ago. Not nice, not nice. But there is no sex on the horizon so...
     
  2. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Some rant about why I'm not writing here much anymore and some other things.

    David DeAngelo said in one of his programs that "the boy must die" in order for a man to be born. I know he's a scammer, but there may be some truth to it. If we look at it through the lens of man-woman relationships, then maybe I've become a man already. Why? Well, my feelings are dead. I mean, I survived so many traumatic, bullshit events.

    So, one blogger that I binge read once, wrote that basically everyone wants to be young (like 18-21 again), but... they don't mean it. I mean, at that age you are basically crazy. You are the most prone to depression, suicidal thoughts, crazy mistakes. Of course, you have pretty face and girls flock to you, but you are crazy and volatile. Now, when everyone says they want to be young, they mean to have young face, but old brain ;). If someone could reset my memory back to when I was 21, and reset my face back to 21 then HELL NO, I don't want it. I admit that sexual market value chart is 100% bullshit, and I will never get so much sex as I could when I was young, but screw that. I am so dead inside in positive way, that I will just enjoy (to limited extent) life and don't give a fuck. Maybe it's my age and experience, maybe it's my antidepressant which is known for killing emotions. Who knows - I'm just content and that's all.
     
  3. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Working or not - NoFap was the only thing that made me start successful dieting - first in 2013, second in 2015. As I'm gaining weight (86 from 83 now) I'm restarting the course
     
  4. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Interesting, once I went a couple of days of NoFap, dieting seems easier and today I had this "day", when I actually ate first meal at 20! It's my 7th day of nofap. Last time I started dieting, I was week or more into NoFap too!

    So there are two options - either I naturally feel so good that it's possible and easy to Nofap, so it's possible to diet too OR nofapping makes my willpower better and I have it easier to diet. Nevermind the reason - nofap is the way to go so far
     
  5. Keep on going wojte.
    It looks like you are struggling a bit, but these rough patches are only minor setbacks.
     
  6. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Restarting is not easy at all, I was actually worried depression pills killed my libido. Now it's somehow back, but I still didn't have any orgasm since using them, it's just like trying to have sex after 5 faps yesterday session ;).
    BUT after some drinking spree online I actually set helluva lot dates, so I will need all the power I can hold. Also, after 4 days of nofap restarting diet was much easier. I will try to hold it to month :)
     
  7. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Looking at the counter definitely shows that I've not been NoFapping at all. Well, quantity was reduced greatly compared to my 5 per day times, but still it happens probably
    once per day. Nvm. After May Spring break last weekend and student's festival this weekend, weight is 87, which is 4 kg more than my lowest weight this year. But I still fit
    into my 33 size pants, so it's probably bloat, salt and water mostly (I mean belly). I stopped taking meds month ago, to see how my libido will turn. It allowed me to actually
    cum during sex for the first time since September. Nwm, I had a date 2 weeks ago with girl 11 years younger than me xD While date was successful, I wasn't very horny at all,
    and not doing really anything except 1 kiss. I could finger her or touch tits, but I didn't want. Well - medication effects. After that I kinda stopped responding, because while she is interesting IRL, she is terribly stupid when she writes something. I had also sleepover same week on some other girl. I was supposed to teach her for finals, but she was more interested in sex than in passing them, so great chance to earn money passed. After secks, when I was going home, she actually wrote to me she was on her fertile days. I remembered her saying she wants a kid. I was destroyed and cut all contact with her, thinking how I am going to pay child support for 18 years. Then after 3-4 days she
    admitted it was a joke and she got her period. Somehow me not writing for 4 days for this horrible insult (I would actually punch her in the face if she said this face to face) made her meet someone else after almost a year of being "mine". I won't miss her though xD.
    Now week ago, interesting concert turned up. So some really pretty girl with really ugly boyfriend wrote on facebook she sells tickets. I could get without one, but I drove to her, to at least see her. Yep, she was a stunner. Definitely relationship material. Too bad she is taken, maybe she will understand the error of her ways xD Concert was terrible and short, and being alone to out-of-city outdoors disco is horrible alone and when you are sober (i was the driver ofc). I actually drank a little so I had to wait at least 3 hours to be able to drive again.
    Now this week there was this student's festival. I slept at my fuk buddy house. After I told her that at age of 24 she is not supposed to show up without makeup, she went 7/10
    facewise. Too bad she is fat, probably 90 or more (my height as well). So I went to this festival day alone, drunk. Everyone was drunk too. Actually I noticed how easy is to
    make friends here. I chatted with some guys and girls for like two hours, but they moved places. Day after I was having the same plan, and I accidentaly met them too, this time
    with some other girl who actually invited me to dance with her lol. But she was too drunk or chaotic, and taken anyway. Now thing is I have absolutely no idea if she was
    hitting or me or insulting me. I usually get things like that really well, but was confused now. Talking with them made me drink too much too fast, so when they went home I
    puked like cat. I was really expecting to some old fuk buddies to write me in drunken rage, but no success. I left the city for home today, and now some girl I deflorated (relationship material too), wanted to meet. Too bad.Friday I also jokingly wrote to some girl on dating site about size of her biceps (definitely bigger than mine). She invited me to barbecue xD apparently she found me attractive. But I was too bloated after alcohol and junk food to consider coming, so I drove home during the time when actual bbq took place.
    During all those days I got hit by terrible (but only acute, ocassional) depression attacks, and it showed me that my medication definitely works and I need to take it. So basically no depression and anxiety = can't cum and very weak erections. Maybe I will find another medication without sexual side effects. The one I was taking is fluoxetine (prozac).
    Last but no least I set a blog. I added only one note, but have several ones prepared in the notepad files. Main theme of blog is literaly what I learned in the last ten years,
    with focus on things I couldnt' find in the internet (so my experience basically). I hope to debunk some bullshit things that wasted my time during those years (pua, paleo,
    fasting, meditation, affirmations, magick, strength training). Why I think my blog will be better than what is found on the internet? Well, two reasons
    First, bloggers tend to write more and more stuff when they get popular. And with that chaos ensures, and quality plummets. Graphical layouts and writing skill improve, but there is less and less important info. Just look at the youtubers again, the moment they ask for suscriptions and likes, the moment they add 1 video per day, this moment their channel turns bullshit. What about top 10 facts about something?
    Second reason, is that I'm probably impartial. Like, look at vegetarian articles. They are 100% sure of their case. Then look at meat eaters blogs - they are 100% convinced they're right. Truth is usually in the middle. Unfortunately, extreme views and confidence combined with emotions make writer really "worth" reading. Like, right wing and left wing sites are popular, while sane guys in the middle are forgotten in the dust. Besides, how often people write "I don't know"?
    Some plans for the future
    >restart my weight loss
    >think about this medication. I could always meet a girl and stop taking the med when I see she adds anough to my life to be even, even with depression
    >get some money for height enchancing shoes. My 173 is probably a reason why I had 99% of my success online. It gets your foot in the door. Now with 180 or at least 178 it would be very different
    >get some money for sexual dysfunction doctor. I was there 5 years ago, when I was still virgin. He checked my hormones and told me to take some drug to lower my prolactine (familiar word here, eh?) I basically had testosterone over the norm, and prolactine almost at higher bracket of norm. Too bad I lost the prescription... Now I actually had sex I could describe in detail what is wrong with me, so I believe he can actually help me this time
    >get a job. probably after getting shoes though xD When I lost weight, dressed much better, found some things for my skin, got a haircut - I actually notice I'm noticed from time to time. Prolonged eye gazing etc. Of course this effect is more pronounced after I go back from some date, but maybe that is due to dressing to kill. Nofap is probably equal to 2/3 effect of the haircut though... Still - maybe worth it. Streaks longer than week are no-no in my opinion. So getting a job is now worth it, because I'm convinced I can play the field again, instad of going back home from work and playing league of legends ;)
     
  8. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Long time no see here, probably due to lack of attempts at nofap and also general lack of audience. But I still think it's worth to write this journal, even if its only for myself.
    July wasn't very eventful month. In August i was about to finish my MA Degree, but there were so many guests and travels. My favourite cousin came, so I spent much time with her. I began to think that aside from being cousin, she has just the personality I like in girls. Then when she went back home, my cousin her brother came, also my favourite cousin. We spent almost a week drinking and I was consouling him because he got some bitch pregnant and she refused abortion. Poor guy, he had even less sex in life than me. Then I visited him in turn and spent almost a week there. Sadly, his father and my favourite uncle is totally crazy now, killed slowly by his financial ambitions and his look at his "failure" kids, who apparently don't want to follow into his path. When I stayed at my brother I wasn't masturbating, and I made it to 6 days. I also didn't take antidepressant to make my libido reappear. While on some of nofap day I met some fattie with absolutely gorgeous face in the shop, but I was too struck by her beauty and only said something idiotic to her xD. Next day I thought clearly, that I don't really want to fall in love with girl that I can meet at 2AM in alcohol shop. During whole stay I slept 6-7 hours instead of my usual 10 hours. When I came back home and fapped, I immediately began to sleep 10-11 hours. Thats why I must not fap, even if anything else is not useful in process of nofap.
    I don't know if it's due to old age or due to these medications, but my libido isn't where it meant to be. I have some incestual fantasies with my sister, but even they vanished. Or maybe I got real.
    I applied to some job, but failed the interview miserably, mainly due to me not taking anty anxiety drugs. This drug, fluoxetine started to piss me off because of no libido, so I recently asked my doctor for something else. Now this new drug, venlafaxine seems godsend, cos I'm so far happy all day. My libido is transmuted into romanticism, but resurfaces when I get drunk, and on this drug it only takes two beers to get drunk (yet you still can walk and talk clearly!). Last sunday I had a date with pretty but idiotic girl. Too bad no sex. She is virgin, and apparently she won't allow me to take her first kiss and first sex on the same day. But at least I undressed her bra and tshirt. I was disappointed by this so on my way back home I forced other girl to show up for first date too. Of course after some time she brought a good looking friend, who despite avoiding me during whole meeting, now wants my number. I think I may switch to her, even though she is introverted. But slim girl is always better than slightly overweight one ; >
    Now this week I want to get real and finish my degree, then move to city and start living again ;>
     
  9. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Many things has happened, many I forgot to mention. There was this girl I met on dating site, 16, who refused to give me more photos despite having about 20 on her website. Needless to say I met her already 3 times, but last time she refused sex (I was pissed at her and wanted to finally deflower her). Good thing is that she met me with her friend, who is much better looking and terribly introverted. I set a date with her next week, we'll see what will happen. Today I got drunk and talked with her on the phone for 90 minutes or more. Also today I made some stupid comment on "spotted" style website. So there was this post with "24 and 27 yo girls want to meet someone". I commented that they aren't girls anymore. Funny thing is that one of them contacted me and flirted with me like hell. She said she married at 18 and divorced at 23, no kids. But I found her elsewhere profile on old social media and she has a kid. Nonetheless, while I didn't talk to her on the phone, I had a hella fun conversation on facebook. I almost forgot how it's to flirt with someone, cos I mainly talk with braindead or introverted girls. Since I'm not in city yet, I want to postpone things for 2 weeks. Third thing is that old flame of me invited me on facebook. She is 8 months pregnant, but I think I will manage to fuck her one last time this year. Now this was an interesting conversation, both on phone and facebook. Too bad she is self absorbed, but in low dosages she is extremely fun to be with.
    Thanks to drugs I take I managed to write my paper, it was graded 4/5 and "defence" of it was graded 4.5/5. Too bad I was bad student so my overall score from all classes is 3.5 / 5. I doubt I could write that shit without my venlafaxine.
    I want to travel to city and like, rent a dorm room for month or two and find a job. Even if I don't find any at least I can have some fun time while I'll be there.
    I planned to ditch smoking when I defend my thesis, but so far I can't. I just can't find any logical reasons to do so, but probably will ditch them smokes when I'm outta home. I don't have to "think clearly" anymore, so I probably could go back to losing weight, try healthy paleo diet which makes me nauseous, could try exercising again, not drinking caffeine (alcohol is too beneficial) and getting up at 6 AM.
    Last but not least, funny thing. My mother said she was crazy because I'm not writing paper, because peer pressure at work (haha) is making her lose sleep, colleagues constantly asking her how is my progress. Guess what - people don't change. The very next day after my final exam she is bitching just like before, which makes me want to punch her in the face. Good thing I'm too old to even imagine that, but thought is still there
     
  10. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Refusing to fuck decently attractive 24 y.o. on a party made me realize I am really into those 16-19 girls and it made me realize I will never get married (unless I find some teen looking indonesian woman that is going to look the same for 30 years).
    So all the lifting and shit in the world won't change the fact, that being too old for your target can't be ignored. Terribly depressed (not in emotional sense, more like in rational like there is no point of living).
    I refuse to put my recent photos on dating websites and on facebook, which in turn makes me not use what accounted for 99% of my "starting interactions" with women. But there may be a good side of it, because after putting several attractive (IMO) photos of mine on facebook and getting like 3 likes I was being told from multiple sources that "I can't take photos for the love of my life". Maybe i'm unattractive by accident?
    Since I smoke my libido is like 25% of what it was 2 years ago. Girls don't phase me that much. I fap once per day, maybe less whenever it was like 5 times per day if i wanted lol.
    My long time plan for life would be to meditate to feel nothing and also start working finally which would probably mean having 3 hours per day that are not sleeping or working. Then after I get stronger - moving to country where I can actually earn money, not just spend 100% of it on food and rent. Then earn enough money for plastic surgery, hair transplant or good drugs (I will be bald quite fast, while I had perfect hairline even year ago - WTF). Then maybe buying some flats so i can rent them and not work too much. In my country if you are renting a 3 room flat you will have same money as if you just had minimum wage (slightly more). and it costs like 200 months of the rent to buy it so it pays itself after like ten years (assuming prices rise a bit)
    Why I am even writing this shit
     
  11. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    ok, this pmo reboot thingy is bullshit. you won't get benefits - they are pure placebo . I must admit placebo is ACTUALLY working medication type, BUT it only works as long as you are "naive".
    Nofap is good shit if you want to fuck those annoying bitches that bother you too much, but otherwise its useless
     
  12. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Yo niggaz. Some people never change, some do.
    Rant: I realized I love journaling about possibilities and hate journaling about past events. So if I met a girl yesterday and I'm theorycrafting what can happen with her, I'd write about that gladly. If I fucked a girl and she died next hour - no need to describe, cos no future. Damn, only now I see what I just wrote xD. Ok, no more ENFP sheningans.

    I started working, and while its no a lot of work, at least everything goes to my pocket because I live with parents. I only buy beer for my money.
    Now I gather money for such things, in more or less order of when I want to buy it:
    >Ecig - completed
    >Powerbank - completed
    >New GPU - 160 usd left
    >Armodafinil from India - 40 usd left
    >Money to move out
    >New lens for camera (one sent with camera is probably 50 usd and shitty, without OIS)

    I also borrowed money to do vasectomy, it's slated to be done next month. Due to my ED I can't really use condom, so I will resort to being infertile on purpose. I hope this will enable me to finally start real relationship, instead of this sick drama of having sex and then worrying she will get preggo, and avoiding her untill next infertile days. Honestly I never had this kind of relationship where I just fucked whenever I wanted. At tender age of 29 that can be really funny change and may drive me to become another person, better one.
    Due to being infertile I will finally be able to reason longer no PMO streaks, because I will be actually horny, I will actually be able to seduce girl and fuck her on the same day, without weird questions "which day of the cycle you're on". I will troll some girls by not telling them I'm infertile and just ejaculating into them.

    Time to update my weight loss signature. I'm down to 78 from 82 and will probably restart the thing in a week or two. Looking at photos of football players of my height, 70 kg will be probably best weight for me. Ditching smoking for ecig will also make for better stamina and MUCH better libido. It was stated in some study that guys who smoke have sex on average 2 times less than non-smokers.

    My PUA game is really terrible after 3 years of living far from city. I hope after vasectomy my longer streaks will kick me out of house to fuck bitches and stuff. I have 2 on my radar atm, both 7/10 facewise and fatt-ish. Now I can reasonably fuck with them, which will drive this alpha aura up and enable me to climb the ladder.
     
  13. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Girl I was to meet definitely is hiding something. She "forgot" she was to give me place to crash at night (so we can have sex duh), wants to meet for 1-2h in a bar, instead of her bed, doesnt want to meet me before work (9AM is not THAT early). Damn, this cycle of Nofap -> Setting dates -> Flaking continues. I have another girl to fuck but i'd rather take first one
     
  14. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Wow, finding this after all these "years" is definitely precious thing. But I hate posting, it's so pointless, unless you want to teach other guys. I read this journal and damn, all I can see is some misinformed guy that didn't see the world for what it is, and got influenced heavily by every shit he reads. Pathetic
     
  15. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Hi man -- true, true. But it would be sad if it was different -- if you still considered at 30 the stuff you wrote at 20 to be smart or insightful. I cant help but chuckle at the shit I used to write over the years :). And it's certainly going to be the same in 10 years from now.

    What are you up to nowadays?
     
  16. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Man, turns out I've been having ADHD all these years. Quick visit to adhd subreddit has shown me that thousand people describe my life story as if it was theirs, how did they know. And funny is that adhd doesnt make you rabbit or a tiger from winnie the pooh, it makes you sleeping all day most lazy person on earth that sometimes gets interested by something and does this thing for 8 hours straight

    Libido is zero, but I enjoy it - I have too impulsive personality to live horny. 'Ve been considering vasectomy so that I can begin nofap again one day and don't be in panic mode for 2 months after each sex

    Have been reading a lot in the last years over the internet, mbti subs, mgtow subs, redpill subs and what not.

    Finding my first job, (ok second but first I held for more than a week) has shown me that my so called "depression" and so called "anxiety" are not real at all
     

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