Time to kill old demons of the past

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by wojtekoxx, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. goingforward

    goingforward Keep calm and carry on!

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    [disclaimer for mods: that is a normal journal response, written in OP's mothertongue and legible for him. Its not spam]

    Loguję się tylko po to, żeby ci odpisać. Trochę zerkałem by zobaczyć jak tam forumowa ekipa, i widzę że ktoś się trochę martwi ;) Poza tym dużo nowych ksywek, ale nie jestem pewny, czy stoją za nimi nowi ludzie, czy to po prostu cweluchy które pokasowały konta ze wstydu i dalej wypisują stary bulszit, ale już pod nowymi nickami

    Ja odpuściłem nofap, ale chyba musze go zacząć od nowa. Sprawa jest taka: poznałem dziewczynę i boję się że nie stanę na wysokości zadania. W tej chwili, pytana o sex, mówi jakieś bzdury typu: "musimy sie lepiej poznać", normalnie powinienem się wkurwić, ale w tej sytuacji chyba lepiej, bo zyskuje na czasie...

    Dobra wracam do tego co tam nawypisywałeś ;d Stawiam moje studenckie złotówki, że tę dziewczynę (niewinną i potrzebującą miłości) przyciągnąłeś głównie dlatego, że byłeś wtedy dokładnie taki sam ;p Może twój "typ" zmienił się razem z tobą?

    Jeśli chodzi o te dwie panienki: ty jesteś dla nich zbawieniem, jako w miarę normalny facet, który z gruntu ich nie odrzuca. Będziesz mógł je urabiać jak chcesz, w międzyczasie szukając swojej miłości. Którą na pewno znajdziesz, ponieważ na to zasługujesz. Spadasz na 4 łapy, więc nie masz na co narzekać.

    Poniżej przeciętnej na pewno nie jesteś. Kończysz wymagający kierunek, gdzie na iluś tam przyjętych na I rok, magistra broni, nie wiem, może co dziesiąty. Twój n-count przekroczył 10, co też mało komu się udaje, a już na pewno nie przed trzydziestką.

    Profesorem i matką się nie przejmuj. Tak już jest że rodzice chcą mieć spokój po dwudziestu paru latach, a profesor jest zmieniony przez swój wysoki status. Wykujesz się na blachę i zdasz bez żadnego problemu, a ponieważ "bezrobotny informatyk" to nadal słaby suchar, to sam wypierdolisz się z chaty,
    zanim rodzice zdążą to zrobić.


    I jeszcze jedno: dobrze że ciśniesz na nofap. Nie trzepanie pomaga tylko i wyłącznie na erekcję i na twoje podniecenie/zainteresowanie kimś innym, a wszystko inne to bzdura. Najśmieszniejszy jest tutaj /r/nofap, i teksty typu "NOFAP DZIAŁA. 5 DNI I LASKA Z KLASY ZWRÓCIŁA NA MNIE WZROK NA 1.2 SEKUNDY!!!111oneoneone". Tutaj nie ma czegoś takiego, ale nadal jest cicha, nie poparta absolutnie niczym nadzieja, że abstynencja ci pomoże w zdobyciu miłości/sexu. Napisałem o tym w moim "liście pożegnalnym" do forumowiczów. Miałem go wrzucić i skasować konto, ale ostatecznie tego nie zrobiłem. W sumie to troche patetyczne gówno było, ale pomogło mi ułożyć myśli

    Dobra ja zwijam spać. Uszy do góry i robić swoje, a jak poziom stresu za mocno skoczy, to dzwonisz po ziomka, stawiasz flache i szukasz zrozumienia. Ewentualnie znajdujesz je po drugiej.

    P.S lipa że szwaby nakopały nam aż tak do tyłków.. ale przynajmniej druga irlandia nie stała się drugą brazylią ;d
     
  2. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Bardzo ładny post, odniose sie do paru kwestii.
    NoFap nie pomaga, a jak juz to nie zawsze, choc na pewno ma jakies dzialanie, skoro leki zwiekszajace prolaktyne cos tam jednak zmieniaja w człowieku. No ale wiele osób tu siedzi i mysli ze od siedzenia i nietrzepania wyjdą "z więzienia", magicznie rozwalą kraty i sie teleportuja na Hawaje. Mysle, ze biorac pod uwage pierwsze 14 dni, gdy prolaktyna w koncu maleje do normalnego poziomu, dalszy nofap nie da wiecej benefitów ALE ktoś na forum opisał magiczna rzecz: przy masturbacji do pornosków, gdy gonimy za tym trzecim orgazmem danego dnia, zaciska sie rozne miesnie (dupska i tym podobne), wstrzymuje oddech. Nie ma szans zeby jakas kobieta to powtórzyła (choc gdy używam pozycji podobnej do tej w ktorej fapie czyli uhm, penis prawie rownolegle do brzucha (czyli od tylca leżąc na boku z kobieta - ale musi byc szczupla by wejsc:D)), no, czasem sie trafi jakaś sucha lub ciasna genetycznie (dziewictwo nie ma wiele do tego niestety)(aczkolwiek zauważyłem ze kobiety o bardziej meskiej, tzn umiesnionej budowie ciala są jak imadło). W każdym razie koleś zaleca by masturbowac sie powoli, z calkowicie rozluznionym cialem, oddychajac (bardzo trudne!)
    Co do dziewczyny, gdy ją poznałem ważyłem 77 (a mam taka budowe ciala ze malo po mnie widac nadwage), gdy sie rozstalismy mialem 83. Teraz jest z typem ktory je 3 kanapki dziennie i wazy mniej od niej, czyli jakies 58 ;D. NoFap bardzo na mnie zadziałał pierwszy raz BO nagle chcialo mi sie zaruchac te wszystkie laski ktore pisaly do mnie godzinami a ja nie widzialem czego ode mnie chcą. I udało sie przeleciec je wszystkie 12 w ciagu roku ;D A jakie podróże sie odbywało w tym celu, i ile komarów w dupsko nakłuło ;). Mysle ze jednak tak czy siak jakies benefity są, ale są raczej jak drink na odwagę niż jak sterydy. Dużo osób na tym forum ma po prostu depreche, i zamiast isc do lekarza szukac leków (bo w koncu ktorys jednak zadziala, nie ma co sie oszukiwac), to mysla ze wylecza sie sami w domu. Zreszta ludzie nie ufaja lekarzom, stad setki reklam srodkow na "zespol niespokojnych nóg" i "łzawienie", gdzie kompetentny lekarz wysmiałby wiekszosc tych srodkow i reklam. Na czas na pewno sie nie obronię, ale juz miesiac po - tak, wiec tez zaczynam miec do tego zdrowsze podejscie. Dzieki za posta, zerkne też co tam piszesz na dzienniku
     
  3. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Well I reseted my counter and I already miss it. My libido is super loss whether it's no fap or fapping two times per day.
    But I will start the thing anew. Thing is, my medication which (probably) is making me sleepier and makes my appetite much lower is also raising prolactin, which counters benefits of Nofap quite heavily. Now I'm quitting it and testing if my hunger goes up or not. I have some very important date with girl I actually could be with, in 10 days, so I better lose some weight!
     
  4. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    On laziness & me

    I hate using "I" in English. In Polish you can ignore it mostly, so you don't sound like egotic person. In English it's impossible. Just like Allemania people can't avoid sounding materialistic, with all their nouns written Likethiß.
    Yesterday at approximately midnight I became normal. I was sleepy the whole day, then at night I was different. I was me, which made me happy. Well, I'm a bit of underachiever. And I understood something. When I am myself, I am happy, want to socialize, and put off my duties, because "now I'm finally living". Well, what choice there is, apart from "then stop having duties!". That's why I want physical job, I can be mentally tired but work, then spend my real energy on socialization and being myself. Nonetheless, tonight is another night of not being tired and being me. I should probably finish my master thesis, which I am sending in about 20 hours, but I choose to torture myself tomorrow. Of course, I will finish most of it this night. Currently drinking beer. One beer.

    On libido

    Well, libido is nonexistant, maybe because I am not in position to have sex. On the one hand, I am overweight, and X and X-3 (girlfriend number) attempts at sex were fruitless. On the second hand, I don't have pleasurable place to have sex. Sex X was in forest, with too wet girl, while sex with X-3 was in car, and she had her period (so she was too wet for friction). I thought my pills are killing libido, but my psychiatrist said that such low doses can't even touch it. Don't know what to do then. Maybe supplementing zinc? Try hardmode with zinc, hahaha. I have date set on Monday or something, but I already know there will be nothing here. So bad :C
     
  5. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    I failed my master thesis. This is new era
     
  6. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Delayed ejaculation:
    A few days ago I noticed that I would need like 30 minutes of thrusting to get orgasm. Meanwhile I gained about 8kgs of weight, which makes me unable to produce such efforts. Unless pussy is similar to hand. Damn. Let's read further.
    This is so true. When I tried sex, my penis felt after half an hour, like I just finished day of porn binge. It was as unreceptive, as after five orgasms. Like: masturbation was painful, dick was tired.

    Mind that I wasn't masturbating for 6 days before the intercourse took place. I will try to change my masturbation habits by not using hard grip or fast movements. I already know it will be difficult as hell to orgasm.
     
  7. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    dating is like a momentum
    you are alone
    then you have mediocre girl
    then you meet the love of your life, and another one, one day later

    I've meet intelligent, inexperienced, born to please nymphomaniac, who even admitted to loving me through all those years when we didn't talk

    it's wonderful thing when you kiss the girl goodbye and don't feel like a slut for doing this
    too bad I couldn't get it up, but I had extremely pleasurable evening nonetheless
    I am living each day like it's my last. I actually like to think I'd die by exploding

    And momentum is beautiful thing. Biches who avoided you like plague, now finally can't resist you (ok, I exaggerate)
    You encounter days when you remember your words "If only this girl would agree to meet with me, I would love her till the end of days", and laugh like hell, because suddenly you have all of this, and more, and don't want to settle down
     
  8. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    I have almost 9 days of no fap on my belt.
    It feels like I am on my second day, because for the first week libido was nonexistent.
    I am close to finishing 3rd day of my diet, composed of 22 hours of fasting every day and eating (hopefully) about 1000 kcal - no counting though. I already lost about two kilos of water and salt. I feel this way of dieting is my only hope, really. Only intermittent fasting worked easily, ever. Counting calories needs shopping, to be "sure". Because eating one slice of bread and not knowing how much it weighs exactly would make my OCD hamster spin like crazy and want to abandon diet.

    I kinda want to introduce relationship with a girl I met previous Tuesday, Sarah but she is autistic. She is one of those kind that chats with you once per week and meets with you once per two weeks and then cries you ignore her and she loves you. Well, but date with her was fantastic. I give her face 6, her lips 8, her body 9 and her personality 9 too, which are enough for me to create a bond. Still, I will try to go for sleepover with her. She is kinda manipulative "teacher" persona, she already wants to help me with diet and many other things like alcoholism. Like she is training a pokemon, but in a positive way.

    Update: Woke up and had at least two "sex" dreams, one of them was that I drove to some other city to have sex in the outdoors with some girl but then we met her boyfriend and the dream ended xD Another one was with sarah and some other girl and I was looking at their pussies and licking them despite they having panties still on. One of them had extensive but very blonde bush which is one of my fetish. I take this for a sign I'm getting normal. Before going to bed I was convincing old friend of mine to show me her tits. Life is starting to get colourful. On the other hand I actually cried two nights ago, which is in tune with "Quitting porn? prepare for more vibrant emotions" article. Now all it takes is to fucking make my 4 days of dietting into 80 days and them 365 days. I may extend feeding window, but still one thing I know is: no alcohol when there is food! and no parties/dinners before feeding window. Who I am kidding, I don't go to the parties other than family ones - which I will just refuse to sit with food.

    Update 2: I started diet on 28th of october and that is my last day of drinking alcohol
    Also, today (3-11) I had another erotic dream, ah Janna how I miss your tight body
     
  9. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    They say that every person drasticaly (kinda) changes every 7 years. If we can believe it, then I'm seeing some changes. I gained more insight into my ideals, my personality and I'm slowly letting things go. I was/am very childish and immature in some aspects, and overly mature in others, but this combination was all over the place, a mess. Introducing structure into my life (like constant times of going to bed, constant time of my only dish) slowly fixes other aspects. It's like I slowly "want" to let go playing games and reading internet all day. The day I join the real workforce is coming closer and closer, and I'm already preparing by limiting free time. I started working with my father, it will probably be from 12 to 16 everyday, which restricts my time. I don't know where to concentrate with work though. When I was younger I was believing in all those stupid books like "the Secret" or "Power of your subconscious mind". I was believing in self help, I really thought that other people struggle with hard work and other hardship because they were stupid. When I was in high school I was so happy to be here, laughing at "stupid" people that went to trade schools. Now almost all of them have families and work, and I'm here, living with parents with no job. My meaning of life was to find perfect love and not work very hard, not have kids etc. Now I talk with many girls and think that I can't dream of marriage without "working hard". So now I have those very hard times (at least in my mind) of trying to let go of some ideals and let some stay. My parents (their bad) made me believe I would have easy job, just working with ms word and ms excel or something like that. How delusional they were, and how delusional they made me. Nowadays jobs like that are usually held by pretty stupid girls, because this job is no brainer.
    So what are possibilities for me? For one thing, I am losing weight. With the advent of nofap, I really dream of a day when I could actually pick up a girl because I notice she is noticing me. Apart from some looks they were giving me back in the 2013 it was extremely rare for me to experience that. Despite me having really pretty girls found on the internet and dated. Most of the time I was "overweight" with 82 kgs for 173 cm (duh). Who knows what would happen if I made it to like 12% body fat?
    Then when it comes to working, I have some possibilities:
    a) go west, work in some factory - but I don't know if I can handle the pressure
    b) find some work like in supermarket but locally, so I will just live and probably have 0 savings, but maybe lots of sex to make things even
    c) try my luck in some corporation, so I may have stable source of income and not that difficult job. Hard to get, and if they want a person who never was sentenced, then I'm dead for them for the next four years :D
    d) try to finally learn the skills of programmer, I finished computer science after all. I was always "too stupid" for this, but I was extremely demotivated as well and fapping like mad and just thinking I won't do this as a job, ever

    Last but not least, I achieved my record minimum weight for this year: 86.9. And it's only one week of dieting, which feels easy atm. I also don't drink alcohol anymore. I would be so happy to get back to old 82 this year, but I will probably have to be realistic and just be content with 84-85.

    Edit. I love edits. I'm starting to love this celibacy. I'm starting to love nofap. I slowly begin to think that not fapping enabled my weight loss, enabled my not drinking. Sometimes I even remember my 2013 streaks when I felt on top of the world. When I finally started to think that once something "clicks" inside, you don't need self-help no more. You don't need gimmicks. See, successful people often bullshit about how they made it. They backwards rationalize it. Just like pickup artist: girl was into him the whole time, but he rationalized later how he triggered 14 attraction switches in proper order to get her into bed. I could totally rationalize how I am losing this weight. Hell, I could lose 20 kilos and start fucking fanpage, and write twenty articles how I achieved that. But that would be bullshit. I don't know what happened. For example people envy my english (interesting that I make so many mistakes on this site...) and my skill of fixing pcs. I could totally explain someone how I made it, but noone could follow my path. Why? Because it happened without my will, I just liked damn thing. I can't teach anyone how to repeat it, but I may be delusional and try. Write self-help book maybe.
    And I await further "clicks". I await days when my charisma awakens, and I can just charm people around me. Maybe something will drive me to work "hard" (only on the outside). To be admired. After all, 90% of people don't read anything. Don't teach themselves, but they get effects! They are wandering aimlessly, yet they achieve much. Why? Because they are driven. Was Jesus constantly reminding himself all ten commandments to not harm anyone? I doubt it. He was just born a good fellow, and did what he thinks is right. And there are ordinary or bad people who try to follow some rules, and they twist everything (like Church, like Islam etc) because they have no internal compass. I'm tired of reading recipes how to turn coal into diamond, because I don't even have coal. I lived most of my life with empty "Mana" bar. I could cast spells all day, but they would just fizzle without mana. And now there is this forum, there is much doubt, hell, even I doubt it most of the time. But maybe premise is true, maybe we need to believe Gabe and others, maybe it takes different amount of time. Maybe each fap took some part of energy, and we don't have 0 energy - we have minus thousand units! Maybe only some gains of energy go into debt, but sometimes, some amounts go to nowadays, go to current day to help us, vitalize us, show us what is possible if we persist. It would be tragic if I made it into one year and not only wouldn't be cured, but also would not feel anything special. But for now I am thankful for the effects and for seeing it works. For all romantic/sexual dreams. For enjoying music more.
     
  10. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    It's 16th day of successful diet. It's I almost don't drink alcohol too. Diet is just intermittent fasting with 2 hour eating window. Went from about 90.5 to 86.3. My top weight was over 95 in the summer but that was temporary due to partying. I feel exactly as fat as I felt at 90 and 95, it's just that other people notice (family).

    NoFap is over three weeks (I think). I feel almost no urges. Maybe when this forum was off, I think from 8 to 11th of November. Because my PC told me some files were deleted from disk and I spent many hours recovering them. And yes, that was my porn collection pictures. But I managed not to fap after all. Yesterday I noticed accidentaly on the internet some young girl blog photos and it made my breath difficult, I was so enamored instantly. Too bad it reminded me I am not very interested in girls post high school. Or at least when it comes to average population, when there are 2x as many cute teenagers as there are cute university students.

    I'm losing weight, not fapping, not drinking, yet I see no difference in my life. If there were no scales, no fapping counters, I would leave those things long ago.
     
  11. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I really liked your second to last post. That's the kind of thinking we need. More focus on goals and shit, not porn or masturbation.

    Good job on your diet, I'm obsessing over this as well now.

    Interesting you don't think you feel a change at a lower weight. Maybe it's your mind playing tricks on you to get you to stop. You went on and on about how being fat made you feel bad, so I think you might have forgotten this.

    On the other hand, I've had this fear too, that no matter what I'll do and achieve, it won't make me less miserable or even happier. I dont know, maybe it is about the journey after all, as they say. You'll get enjoyment from challenging yourself, learning, growing, etc., but not so much from the improved end result. I believe that's a big part of your frustration too. You could live a much better, challenging life, and you know it, which is frustrating.
     
  12. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    I am fully aware that I would feel similarly (bad) whether I got girlfriend, good job, nice weather etc. But I am not stupid, and I know the value of non-biased view on life, so I know it WILL be better after all. You can feel ugly and be handsome, you can feel stupid and be good worker. What we can do is to remove things that worry us.

    Now when it comes to worries, I have this self-conscious feeling that I should be this, should be that, and it's killing me.
    Like, switch my age to 23, and I suddenly would feel happy to spend whole days sleeping, playing video games, drinking, chatting with girls. Now back to my current age and now all things I took pleasure in my life when I'm isolated are gone, spoiled. It's like I'm not even letting myself be me.
     
  13. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Look, we can't even get to bed on time. It's 3 already
    Now that is funny
    Dunno if nofap will help anything, but when there's no flatline, urges are STRONG. It's like someone was stroking your dick from time to time so you never forget it's there. Constantly something is going on there
    "A darkness carried in the heart cannot be cured by moving the body from one place to another"

    ADIDAS:
     
  14. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    I just drank 5 beers.
    And no matter how many shitposters would deny, I strongly believe that intelligent man 5 beers = normal(stupid) guy sober. I just instantly can tune into normal people behaviour when I'm drunk. And yet, it means that they are THAT stupid. No wonder I drank so many months during last years of my uni. I hate small talk and I hate flirt when there is no close sight of a reward (sex or date). Drunkeness enables me to be motivated for things that are far away. Just like normal people do. No wonder intelliegent people drink much more. It's like you have 2-3 free beers before you are still too smart for majority of people to comprehend. Now when those 3 beers stop working now there's different subject and just bad luck imho. With my paranoid anxiety disorder, I belive I made smarter choices when I was drunk, than when I was thirsty. Nonetheless, (srs) I want you Sarah, you're the only girl that I can see myself with. I've just got to find a shitty job to be in city again and be near you. Imma just end in suicide anyway.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDEno_tzK_U
    We think way too much. Sometimes too big brain can be seen as a tumor. You've gotta kill dem "cancer" cells with an alcohol. To be on even ground. It's cheapest steroid on the planet. Live. Laugh. Love.
     
  15. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    dafuq did I write
    hangover is like this: you wake after 4 hours, can't get up but can't sleep further, and have titanic urges to fap, so it's edging and edging
    and I got very cute photo of tits from my friend, so that made things worse
    but I somehow persisted
    Now I have blue balls
    I persisted because maybe I will have fucking with my Sarah this week, so why waste sensitive penis and loads of sperm?
    It happened often in the past that just before the date I wanted to fap the most
    probably because urges made me set up a date in the first place
     
  16. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Sometimes we just stick in the rut, and le-learn things we know already, we are stuck in the circlejerk of information instead of getting fresh insights. So I ignored this site for some time and tried to find different "circlejerks" online, to gain new perspective on things. I'm talking about mainly ED here.
    I joined weight loss forum, to be honest it's proana forum because I felt strangely drawn to it, possibly because it's filled by non-neurotypical women, but some men too.
    I probably learn threads like "top 10 things that changed in your life when you lost weight", to keep me motivated. Well, motivation is wrong term. I just want to blame everything on my weight, like I did with porn years ago, and that helps people cope, because suddenly it's only one problem to destroy to fix them all.
    I read some threads that women who were in love with their partners refuse to have sex or can't orgasm because they look fat, and while fixing light makes them less self-conscious, they are not enjoying it much anyway unless they're drunk, and it has nothing to do with partners looks, it has to do with them. Now reading this, as I'm very much womanlike, made me think that in fact I am very self-conscious, not only of my ugly body, but of my performance. I refuse to be seen as someone who is sexy, so how can I ever feel confident in bed? In the past I had some young (15) girls that I just couldn't imagine commenting me negatively, thus impacting me. I knew they know nothing about sex, and whatever I would do would be standard to them, not weird. Also, they worshipped my looks, wanted my photos. It was a confidence booster, even if momentary. TL;DR it's very easy to blame porn for everything, while in fact it may have something to do with how you see yourself. Having sexy body = imagining you turn on the partner = you are more turned on in the process.
    That's why I'm losing weight. I already lost 11 kilos from my top weight of May (which was temporary), and 6.5 kilos from my "normal" weight of this year - I mean stable weight of 2015 which was obese. It's funny how one can be "confident" at the same time (because you are nihilist and don't care about other person opinion) and "afraid" due to underlying problems. My self-esteem always was a rollercoaster in the past.
    Another thing concerning sex. I read something about curing from deathgrip masturbation. I tried some masturbation using lube and NO-FRICTION, just glide and damn. It was impossible. And thats how sex works! Skin doesn't move against the meat of penis, it's just glided over by pussy. Unless you are very lucky to find tight and dry vagina. I did in the past, and I could fuck whole nights.
    Last thing, fapping when horny. Damn, I am not horny 95% of the time. I just fap to have orgasm. Horniness only comes to me after weeks of nofap. How it became so bad?
     
  17. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Gonna try to make it short
    Weightloss I've lost already about ten kilos of weight. I am "normal" again. I'm excited to start showing myself to people, going places, even to church, shop, family. I'm thinking of ways to show my weightloss on facebook in non-tryhard, nonobvious way. Well, at summer I could get a photo playing sports, but now I search for inspirations. I found one photo when guy was watching anime on his laptop shirtless, and I'd tell half of the photo was his flat stomach. That would do it I think.
    On the other hand (I'm 82 now, which was "normal me" since at least 2011), I see that I was not actually thin or normal at 82. I was slightly chubby. I watch my older photos that made me jealous when I was 90kg, and see, damn, that guy had some dadbod back then! I could totally see my best girlfriend dumping me for 60kg dude (bit of overkill, but he had better body after all). Now I think while I'm okayish atm, I need to lose another 6 kilos or something to really think I have something to offer. This is Poland and most guys are in 75kg or below, so even with my slightly above average face I need to be their weight to really have an edge over them.
    Mind. Something happened to me, because I almost stopped chatting with people on facebook, it bores me to tears and I'm sad that I probably chat with people I won't see or fuck anytime soon if ever because of being jobless and moneyless
     
  18. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Maybe buy really tight shirts? :D Damn, that shit is sooooo en vogue here now (at least based on youtube/reality TV people), I fucking hate it, why does a man wear body-fitting clothes, waht the fuck is this? ;D

    Anyways, nice job on the weight loss. I returned to being fat a bit (dont even want to weigh myself, from 87 to 93 kg or so in 1 month) but whatever, still an overall loss this year ;D.

    "My self-esteem always was a rollercoaster in the past." Not going to write a fucking book as a reply, so I'll just say same here.
     
  19. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Christmas craze is over. I got shitton of compliments from my family, my fave uncle who wants all people to grow and pisses them with it and antagonized entire family due to his ambition imposing on others complimented me like there's no tomorrow. And it's funny because he was basically destroying me with negs when I was just 6 kilos heavier. The lowest weight I got to was 82,2 kgs, but then something happened (whole day trip when I was extremely bored and had to eat at 16 and I managed to stretch my stomach) and now I'm at approximately 85. To be honest, 2 kilos appeared almost instantly (water?), so I probably gained back only one kilo. Unfortunately, I don't have the drive to start diet anymore. I wrote countless times here that there are some days when you just can start - start dietting, start nofap, or start gym if I had one and it's easy. In the past I always promised myself that this is the last day and the next one I will just cry all day and eat at 22. It never worked. Yet I really have to start again, because - frankly - my life depends on it.
    It's embarassing to admit, but my hygiene was off since I finished Uni. I don't shave, have greasy hair and face, because I usually wait too long for shower and at 2 after midnight water is usually only warm enough to wash under the neckline. So preparing for Xmas I got a haircut (old type, iroquais, because I couldnt prepare undercut for the love of my life). Basically gel spiky hair. Shaving month long bear and three months long hair made me think I'm extremely handsome slayer. If only mirrors could take photos (exact thing as you see in the mirror) I would be off dating already (off online xDDD).
    My psychiatrist (third session) told me that according to him that depression is not my problem, or it's really minor, and that almost all my problems are due to extreme anxiety, which can induce some depression just due to your "disability". I got new drugs but I'm reluctant to take them, because of all the alcohol involved and me wanting to get drugged on DXM one last time, soon. But the reviews of these chemicals are positive so I'm eager to start them January.
    Last but not least, something strange happened to me month ago and persisted so far. Basically I lost all willingness to chat with girls, try to flirt with these I know already. I just started ignoring them and playing computer games all day to avoid people. It's probably due to me losing faith on ever moving back to my city and actually fucking any of them, not that they're motivating enough anyway. I chatted with some 16 y.o. (you ephebophile you) this month, but eventually when we chatted some guy answered with threats to me. I scared the shit out of him, but the sole fact that someone can read my conversations turned me off completely. I got agressive sexually I think because it worked for me in the past, but now I'm just gonna call it quitters. I didn't delete her on facebook, but I hidden her on chat and disabled notifications. Other girl that is kinda too fat but recently send me really enticing photos is having all those "you dont want me for relationship" talk that put me off too.
    While NoFap is stupid, it has some quality to it and maybe IT enabled me to start weightloss, so I'm getting back on track to continue with my progress and torture myself. I am looking better after all. Hopefully 2016 will be better, because things already get better, who knows. Cheers
     
  20. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Intermittent fasting conclusions and hypothetising

    Intermittent fasting consists of restricting times when eating is allowed to (preferably) one short, continuous window, advised to not be first in the morning. IF allows for eating to fullness, which is better fulfilled as one big meal at the beginning of window and one snack at the last minutes, rather than constant grazing approach, because even one big meal can't fill and expand the stomach as much as amounts of food accumulated through the day would. Effects of stomach shrinking makes rather humble early effects to grow over a period of several days to full strength of weightloss. Eating window should happen late in the day, because one will probably go to bed before feeling hungry again and some people find it difficult to fall asleep being hungry. Late eating window helps curb binge cravings, which are often triggered by sole act of eating, so delaying eating will dramaticaly shorten period of time when hunger is very high. Last but not least, hormonal hunger fluctuates during the day, which makes some eating window much more calorie dense than other ones.

    This quote be me made me realize how I hate writing like that and showed me why I'm failing diet lately. For some time I wanted to try eating twice a day, with first meal really small, like 300 kcal, but it got out of hand extremely fast. Also, I slept through the day from 18 to 24 and eating at 24 was really humble compared to what I would eat at 18. SO unfortunately I will have to avoid my parents who spend most of the time downstairs (near kitchen), play computer or work outside all day and only go downstairs when there is late evening. Well, weight loss is the most important right now.

    I had very good New Year's. Met several new people. DXM trip was disappointing, because I was too sleepy. But still I got to those "god" areas, where you are extremely happy, feel unconditional love against all other people and feel they love you too. On such ocassion I was heavily thinking "why sex is so big deal? why we can't just fuck with strangers?". I had to severy restrict myself not to write sex invitations all over the internet xD I dont know if my psychiatrist drugs work, maybe this is too soon, but PMO wise, after 2 days of Nofap its as difficult to get orgasm as if I was just fapping hour ago, which is probably bad. Who knows, maybe drugs will "kill my feelings" so I can be cold and calculating? I tried to set some dates so I could have reasons to begin nofap, but all attempts ultimately failed, so screw that.
     

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