Time to kill old demons of the past

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by wojtekoxx, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    I fucking made it into 80's. 89.9 on the scale. It's just like new era for me. Christ birth. End of the dinosaurs. Escape of muhammad. Now when I come to think only 6 kgs divide me from times when I was drowning in pussy. Dayum! Ofc I started smoking instead of eating, but fuck that. I won't live to my 50s
     
  2. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    I want to fap. I want to relieve this retarded steam, while I probably have zero real libido at the moment. I have no "gf" since yesterday, but she was crazy. Well, long term "relationships" are doomed from the start. No convo partner for now, so I gotta disperse my "hobbies". But all of this is irrelevant, I want to write this fucking master thesis and do the project. Future of this look bleak, so "every possible aid and gimmick" must be taken in order to survive this

    Let's look funny at my walls, with erection in my mind
     
  3. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    Weight loss is slow, but it's still there. My new min wage (haha, sorry, weight in Polish is "waga") is 89.5 kgs. I feel lighter, walking is easier. Last night I deliberately went out at night and started running. Damn, it was very hard. I only ran for 1.5 kms, but it took me two breaks each probably for five minutes. But it's there.

    My friend told me that I probably am doomed with my Master's paper, but we will se at Tuesday. So it seems that apparently I will have a date at that day's night. It was supposed to be canceled so I fapped much. I don't think I will be able to cum, or to enjoy this date much. But there's alcohol...
     
  4. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    My new lowest point was 88.5

    I used to believe in such bullshit. But now I have my own set-point theory (with a twist).
    Your set point determines after how much food you feel like a pig. One person (like old me) thinks 3 plates of potatoes are normal sized meal. New me thinks I pigged out today and fears I'll gain weight. I ate dozen of plums, three bun-sandwiches, one beer and one ice cream today. I feel like I pigged out. Thank god for this line of thinking.

    I have no desire to fap, probably because I have possible option of sex this month. And, with my sister absent, I may finally do it at my parent's house, not in some crampy car or in the forest. It would be first time I ever invited any girl to this nest of scorpions

    Signed myself for psychiatric, to much disappointment of my crazy mother. Like, today she said to help my father. Witch, I won't help him because we have an agreement that I finish master's degree this summer and I don't want to disperse my focus. I have enough issues with horrible concentration, sleepiness and general craziness, to deal with two things at once. I may be a bit crazy but I don't poison other people food supplies. Why help my father for puny two months (I worked for him for half a year now, October-May), when I can possibly replace him from September onwards? Crazy bishes be crazy. Cheers
     
  5. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    T_____T
    I did read what description says about this psychiatric drug. I don't want to even start it. Not yet. Because it's better not mixed with alcohol. For one thing, I need small amounts of alcohol as a diuretic to measure weight loss, because I'm water retention's bitch. On second one, I planned a date on this Saturday. First I was very keen (it would be first girl ever to come into my family house - mainly because my sister is absent for good). Well, on one hand, she seems to be having memory of goldfish, she is constantly asking what will we be doing - I guess she masturbates to text like these, or plays plausible deniability of having an affair (she has a boyfriend in different country). Well, but having calculated that today is THE most fertile day of the month (see a pattern here?), I am not very keen of a date, especially that she probably wants to have sex in a car. Well, sex in a car can be fun, but rest of things, like blowjobs or just straightly wasting time is too uncomfortable. I will wait a week and invite her again, so I can actually fuck all night and without much stress. Being disappointed, that is, I almost fapped myself to O, but seeing that arousal is not that much, I stopped.

    Weight loss has stopped also, I think I'll have to count calories again. Or accept that 500 kcalories deficit makes losing one kilo per two WEEKS which is pathetic o_O
     
  6. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    thing is i get hard only when I'm already inside xD unless they introduce spray-on condom
    nevermind, as I just ended almost 10 day cycle, and I'm disgusted with all women again :D
    its often mentioned how people are disgusted by what they fap to, because it's supposed to be sick
    I think we are disgusted because we probably masturbate to women we could not really feel anything to, to dumb bitches. It's degrading. I think that having GF that you love, and let's say if she had an painful infection here, I think fapping to her while she is absent would not be gross at all
    so for the record: 9days 8hours GG
     
  7. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    Good times and bad times. Drug that I was taking was making me sleepy AF, so I dropped it to 1 pill per day before bed. It kinda works.
    On the other hand (it's not due to drug), I was never so emotionless as in this year. I mean, I don't care about lot of bad things, and am happy from good things.
    Nonetheless, the most important thing. While I don't believe in any New Age bullshit, there must be something to it. How you ever been really happy for no reason, and suddenly people start recalling you, as if in suddenly calling you after half a year, or suddenly wanting to meet? There MUST be something to it. So there are two hypothesis: Because I am happy, I draw people to me, even from afar OR because I am happy, it must be good weather, and everybody is happy so everyone is writing to everyone. I think option 1 is right.
    I have already set 3 dates, hope my whale body will enable me to score at least with one of them.
     
  8. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: It was fun while it lasted

    Lol, is my counter broken? When I wrote my last note, I was already thinking like I was 3 days in. But now it says I'm four? Doubt it.

    Life is beautiful. I mean, when small people don't tell you what to do. My mother keeps insisting on me stopping procrastination. Let me introduce to my life on Uni for 5 years:
    Its 2nd of March. I want to study. But I can't. But I've got to study. I cancel a date.
    Its 23rd of March. I want to study. But I can't. But I've got to study. I don't go to the party.
    It's 11th of April. I want to study. But I just can't start. But I've got to study. I cancel another date.
    Fast Forward: It's 12th of June. I cram as much as I can before tomorrows exam. I fail it, but at least I know what to expect and what shall I focus on in the September - when there is last chance.
    It's 21st of July. I want to go swim and go on bike. But I can't. I've got to study. I stay at home.
    It's 2nd of September. I cram day before exam, preparing for questions that were there on the last attempt and some variants of it. I pass.

    I literaly described 5 years of my life. Of course, if I wasn't fapping, my desire to go out and fuck things would be so great, I would ignore "studying". But I could actually enjoy those dates even if I was fapping 5 times per day.
    I finally learned to NEVER promise myself something I WON'T DO. And it made me happy. I realized I DO procrastinate. I stopped fighting this. I enjoyed that it can work. I acknowledged that even without procrastination, I would learn - constantly checkin facebook and just spending 10x the time on getting the same results.

    And here comes my mother. Who is 21 years older than me, and 50 years stupidier than me. Damn.

    I think I actually started to overeat again due to my "worries". My 5 years of uni came back. But maybe, really maybe, maybe I just learned again to not give a fuck. I will cram all my work on Sunday. On the Monday I will visit the city, to return books I borrowed from library. I will have one date or even two if I manage to. I will fuck one pussy I dreamed of for a year and lick (fertile days, duh) anther I dreamed of for a year too.

    Also, there is this another local girl. She has a boyfriend, but she clearly flirts with me. Well, her bf is abroad, and will return August. So my mother told me that my sister told her that I should avoid girls from that region, because they tend to have crazy boyfriends. And I actually told the girl to fuck off. Now, guess what I did today? I started talking with her again. She is pretty. I need closer fuck buddy (I mean living closer to me). I can have my jaw broken. I can have my eyes violet. And guess what? I don't care. Come at me bro. I survived the living hell. I laugh at death, I laugh at homelessness. I laugh at cancer. Come at me life. Life is good. I am happy. And guess what? I am not hungry today. Just again

    I realize this would be the perfect way to end this post. Then, I had good humour today. I log on to Badoo - worst possible dating service on the world. Badoo lied to me that some girl wants to chat with me. So I actually chatted her back, and she said she didnt do anything. And I commented her funny nose. And I've got a date set. In the september tho, because she is fatter, and I know fatter girls tend to be very put off by any additional kilo on male. It's like, if you're fatter woman, every kilo of overweight-ness turns into two kilos. But I think she is really cute, (I am a bit of - maybe not fatty , but 65-75 kg women lover, in addition to my usual 40-55 kilo range I fancy - I just dont like obese girls and girls with medium frame) so why not. I fapped a bit to her photo, then was disapoointed that I dont care about my penis, its sensation, and only want orgasm. So I stopped. I think I will just destroy her virginish (she better be it, because my intuition tells me so) pussy in some forest and start actually caring. M/w complex much? But it works.

    <cigarette>. Nighty, folks
     
  9. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    my mother is a wholesome woman.
     
  10. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    FFS. I masturbated bacause I got rejected. I sent this girl my photo (she already saw older ones). So I sent her photo and closed the window (its not facebook). And she didnt write to me for half an hour. What a bitch! Not even "you ugly". So I actually masturbated to her for one last time. Now half an hour later I was closing the chat program and it had two notification. She responded immediately but I wasn't notified because I changed settings. Damn I'm stupid :D
     
  11. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    While I didn't have other real reasons apart from the strongest one: Chaser effect, I did it again twice today. I already "can't wake up" for two days straight. I already feel less interested in plowing girls in conversation. This has to stop.
    I think "setting up the date and then it's cancelled part" is very horrible for reboots
     
  12. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    When I drink two beers and wake up in the morning, it's total about 4-5 weight loss kgs. So like from 92,93 to 88. I already look better. So I feel better. So people somehow feel this and like me more, even over the internet. Sometimes I eat little, sometimes I eat too much, I think it averages out on "maintenance". I have some dates set next week, so it will be good idea to diet a little bit more. Probably intermittent fasting. Gluten and milk and caffeine are like poison. Maybe they influence apettite and tiredness? We'll see. Last week was best week of this year probably ;D
     
  13. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    nice, keep going. but what's with "milk and gluten are like poison"? you know better man.

    I'm personally very surprised what just a 5 kg loss can do to you. I used to have a fat face, but not anymore (though still some time away from seeing some cheekbone.
     
  14. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Well I was big on paleo, then I was big on "I am still young, I can eat everything". When I start a day and eat a sandwich I get sleepy, same with coffee. I don't want to battle that. It's like whole day is wasted because of some caffeine or wheat
     
  15. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Rant here.

    How you ever had those days, when you don't care about anything, but in a positive way? You are cool. You don't give shit. You are not happy. You are slightly sad, but sad as if in "listening to swan lake" with a glass of whisky (glass, not bottle). Those days are something I love. It appears like it was coming from the position of power, when you are just bored with pleasures. On those days you think "well, I could fap today, but why would I". You could also overeat, but why would you.
    There is this slight chance of a date in Saturday, so I will probably fast for two days, and eat banana just before date to kill "paleo breath", which is horrible thing, happening to some people on lowcarb. I may actually donate blood tomorrow. Donating blood is like insta losing 2/3 kilo of fat. Just give away damn chocolates to anyone. Girl I'm going to meet, I selected based on logic, as if in "while I don't have >IT< chemistry towards her, my mind finds her pleasing to look at, and she is a virgin". When it comes to other possibilities, I have single mum that is desperately trying to avoid "being slut", so she plans meeting with me over night with kissing only. But, coincidentaly, this doesn't coincident with my Saturday date at all, that at least has some practical aspects (I must give back books to the library). Also, fertile period, so no matter how much I want it, I would regret forcing (as if in seducing) sex. Other girl that I mentioned was fertile two weeks ago, well her boyfriend came back from abroad. Now I can only wait till she dumps him. I somehow doubt it, but the moment she is free, she will lick my feet. Third girl is unstable and too young for sex, but I could at least kiss her. I am not that stupid to do anything more. Maybe "romantic" things like this would make good impact. Why I'm even considering this? Well, she is meating with 31 old guy, double her age, anyway, so that kinda killed my regrets. There is this fourth girl, that was chatting me since 2009, she has actually 10/10 body with 6.5/10 face. I could finally meet her, and have some good memories. And she confirms my law that: only slim girls accept "bearmode" guys. Fat girls hate themselves, so they hate fatter guys too. They always go to 0muscle ones if nothing better is available (and usually it isn't). 5th girl, that is actually nice, but cancels dates like crazy, will only be available October. The last time I had sex with her it was February, but she was unfortunately too coarse and hard to penetrate. She still counts that as sex. Damn you, you are still virgin. Stop accusing me of having any benefits xD

    When it comes to food I am uneasy. Either unhealthy dietetic food or healthier fatty food. I think the choice of the professional will be first one. So after glutenfree days I will get back to sammwiches and capuccino. Because girls give me more happiness than 15% difference in health. Because 115% of 0 is still 0 ;).

    Going strong!
     
  16. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Someone wrote on this forum, probably the admin, underdog, that pure whiteknuckling it, pure abstaining is crazy and won't work withouit changes. Sometimes its the same story with antidepressants. Its signal for change, kick in the butt. Well, but there are limits. One should find/change jobs, avoid toxic people, start going to gym, change diet. Find a girlfriend. Masturbation is disease of captivity. I did anythingto move more than 100 metres, but it only took so much before I realized I am in a prison cell. No amount of positive thinking will make those bars disappear. I am certain I did my best, but due to negative shit, I decided to release the ambition, ambition that could do shit if someone's trapped in this desperate position.

    10 days 17 hours

    What would happen if I didn't fap? I would try to have sex with several girls who subtly refuse my advances and lose even more in their eyes. Not for me. I could drive over 100km to have (or not) lousy sex with overweight girl.

    I still can't connect emotionally to anyone, because people I could to are unavailable. I did my best, I did more than I did in 3 months to change that. Plzthxbai
     
  17. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    If they could ban users, I would be probably number one candidate. Last pages of my journal are just nofap bashing rants. There is nothing better than fapping (not to porn!) but to pictures of girls you are conversating with, so you may actually want to make them send you photos, while being non needy otherwise. And if they sent photos, they invested in you, and you can just set a date 3 days ahead and dont fap to have more load. Its so simple :D
     
  18. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    I could, but I would have to have calories of bread. As bread is my staple food now. Also, I use butter. Now weighing THAT is a pure bitch. Then asessing calories of slice of ham. How many grams are there? Where is the calorie chart? I could easily say "each sandwich is 200 kcal", but my mind hates bullshit, and would start mental battles like "maybe they are 150 kcals after all?". I am not really ready to cook my food, unless I pre-cook kilograms of potatoes each night so that I can microwave them and weigh them easily. Well, not THAT'S an idea! I may try it.
    But seriously, until I finish my Uni (13th September), I can't really grow. My mind never was good at concentrating while having some looming deadline nearby. I can't actually watch a movie for the love of God because of growing restleness. It's very subtle.

    I actually found a 19 y.o. virgin girlfriend-ish someone. But its 2hour ride each way ;D. She could be 7 with decent daygame makeup, but is somewhat crippled (one leg shorter), and somewhat fattish (70 kg). Funny thing, I looked worse IRL than on photos I sent her, but she actually stopped being boring online chat-wise from they day we met. But I had to talk to myself for first 2 hours of date to get her talking xD I asked her three times if she wants to go home, and she ignored my question every time. It's quite possible I will have sex in matter of days
     
  19. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    If its a journal, then why I'm writing about the future?
    I am writing my master's thesis. Due date is 13th, but real due date is before this, so professor faggot can actually read it , suggest improvements, read it again etc
    I'm in so bad state right now, I decided to pay a bit to my friend, so he can do things that would take me week in one day
    Weight loss, exercises, anything important TO ME is on halt really

    mother said she will kick me out of house if I don't pass it. Did I mention my professor is really unpleasant guy? Well, homelessness may not be that bad
    They call me lazy. I am not lazy, let me do real work, physical work, not some retarded things for retarded professor. They say I shouldnt pursue masters degree. They're idiots. So what if I dont have degree. I still have education(in theory at last - I wasted so many opportunities to learn because 1. this uni sucks. 2. bad memory and concentration from fapping), I still passed courses, I still learned something. Somehow I doubt this guy will let me pass. Next two weeks will be hell. I will pray every night, thing is I just cant do it. So desentisized to life, just angry. We'll see on 13th of September.
     
  20. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: They used to slay dragons, now they slay pussies

    Since I was dismissing this journal, time to fill in the past and future details.
    I started to doubt I will be kicked outta house. Watching Poland Germany match atm.
    So, in August I met this girl twice. I had sex actually. Well, I didn't write "we", because I raped her. Jokes aside, its hard to see cooperation when girl didn't have any sex before. But I didn't enjoy it really. She was too wet, and I was too small. I'm waiting for times when I will find dry or small vagina again. Maybe another girl will help, I already set a meeting in two weeks. I need money for those trips, because none of them is within even 60km distance xD. Another one is untouched too, says noone wants to date her. Well, both of those girls have some qualities that make dating them questionable. One is kinda cripple. She has nice face, but she basically walks funny, and uses pampers. At 19. Second one is unkissed, and her fashion and word choices makes me informated why she had no boyfriend before.
    I basically go to bed at 6 to 10 AM and wake up 10 hours later. I am unwakeable, just like if I was fapping like mad. Too bad, because my counter says over 16 days. Maybe its my medication, its supposed to raise prolactine.
    I doubt I will pass my masters in time, but I will probably pass it in one month from now. What a pity.

    What should I ask on more existential note is that I often think of suicide. If I wasn't the only son of my father, maybe I'd do this by now, who knows. Aided by drunken rage. I just watched the film Name of the Rose. Ending sequence made me question what I've done. I finally set up my life, only to have it violently broken by my former self. I had perfect girl. Intelligent, needy, virginial, taught by me how to kiss and other things... Rarely boring me, loyal. Just my type, perfect breasts, very rare type thereof. Big lips, freckles, blueish eyes, blonde hair. Caring, loving. How can I live with such burden? In PUA community there exists this notion of Alpha widow, girl who had something normally unattainable for her, for one night or for weeks of being booty call. Which notion shatters her mind and heart and makes her unable to love again. Yet here I stand, an alpha widow of man gender, destroyed by drinking sweetest poison for almost three years. How can I live again? How can my adulthood, my golden years or my oldhood compete? How can I settle? I understand I can lose weight, get social, get ripped to try to emulate my success when it comes to physical beauty, but having such flower again seems nigh to impossible. Women who say they love me, I feel no love in the slightest, just foolish neediness. I decided to try 18-22 Intermittent fasting, but what can I do to kill the emptiness inside. And don't say anything about that we should be happy alone. Don't say that to someone who not only isn't even average, but also has dependant personality disorder, which makes me especially salty with finding notions of insecurity in partners. People who can sacrifice for me, this type I encountered so rarely. I don't say there are no girls like that one personality wise, but in fact I can only think of 2 like her, one from is barely attractive enough to kiss. Such is the damned statistic. Why I am even writing this?
     

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