Time to kill old demons of the past

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by wojtekoxx, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Weight loss glide was full failure. If you ate too much salt or carbs, body just soaks with water like crazy, and while eating reasonably one day you awake and see that you can only eat like two sandwiches. And it's so unfair it's easy to just stop weighing myself and let the weight come back

    On the other hand, I am no longer depression less, and it makes my stomach hurt too. I am not depression less because my body is an asshole. I really tried to eat reasonable, smaller portions etc. Slowly I'm beginning to think that my metabolism is below average GIRL metabolism and I must eat like a bird for the rest of my life
    The second part of depression is that I have absolutely no control over myself. If there is this hypofrontality I would be the best exampl ever of that. I am an ambitious guy, very ambitious, and this thing that I procrastinated myself through whole university, this thing was always depressing me like hell. Funny is that the only way to stop this depression is to finally let it go, stop being ambitious, just eat like pig, play computer games, live with my parents and only do what really has to be done. But it's no life, its survival, it's vegetation.
    Third possible culprit is that maybe I am strange person. Maybe this lifestyle of sleepin from 16 to 24 was optimal? Maybe it diminishes apetite?

    Anyway, if masturbating causes hypofrontality, then I am back to no fap after my cynical remarks about this system
    I'm looking forward to it already. Cleaning up and choosing life
     
  2. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    actually dieting would be easy if I would be the one responsible for shopping. One can't diet when the house is filled with bread, and usually normal food lasts for a short while then one is forced to eat bread, sandwitches etc, and they are not filling at all
    I have to copy with that is there

    I know low carb is the way to go, but I will probably have to move out to do that. But moving out and living with no friends=girlfriend would make me depressed. Tricky shit :D
     
  3. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    and then we get to the exact same weight and I kick your ass in MMA style fight
     
  4. DeathToInadequacy

    DeathToInadequacy Nothing in life worth having comes easy....

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Well, if you believe a calorie is a calorie, go ahead. But 2,000 calories of frozen pizzas a day wont be equal in your overall health to 2,000 calories of meat, rice, and veggies. And the healthier you are, the better conditions for your body to grow muscle, but purely for weight, you are right, but thats not good advice IMO. I have gone from obese to muscular and fit, still working on toning my stomach, but its hard to undo 10 years of sedentary lifestyle, but I will continue my improvements. Low carb is only good for sedentary dieters in my opinion, you don't need the insulin to promote fat storage, as they aren't burning any carbs in exercise.
     
  5. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Thanks for your remarks. As far as I'm concerned, only two dieting strategies worked for me, nonetheless both of them produced yoyo effect but I take it as a signal that I have to diet for the rest of my life
    1st strategy: eating every other day. When I was in the last class of high school I used this. I went from 66kgs to 58, I was slim as fuck. Then I yoyo'd to 72 and with that weight I finished my high school
    2nd strategy: Eating one tasty meal per day. I combined this with drinking a lot of beer, because I was kinda depressed. One meal ranged from 300-400 grams of extremely tasty sausage, to 1.5 plate of french fries. Weight loss was 1kg per week. Arguably I only regained weight because I was lonely/depressed
     
  6. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    I watched this film not more than 3 weeks ago

    Dude, but that was the only strategies that ever worked

    If I actually had the money and freedom to not be in the same house as horrible food choices, then yes, ok
    The best diet I could afford and stomach was eggs for breakfast, steak for a dinner and vegetables with butter in the evening, with coffee w/ butter when I needed "a snack" it worked, slowly but worked

    The problem is not with a knowledge, but with a willpower, I didn't have willpower that weak (when it comes to food) in years, or even ever. Gotta see what tomorrow brings. Knowledge is there, worse thing is execution
     
  7. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    The film name is Fat Head or Fathead, it was entertaining watch and I don't like films usually

    Well this nofap is beginning to fire me up. I had shitton of interesting dreams last night. And I awoke early. Arguably all this is because I drank shitton of alcohol, but still I feel some fire inside me. Talking about calories, I don't feel like eating and in a few minutes I'm going for 3 hour physical labour involving pitchforks so that will burn a little anyway

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxxajLWwzqY current mood
     
  8. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    after removing obscenities and hyperboles wrotten by a drunken man, no words left
    I got very very disappointed by something so I cried a river, but not from my eyes
    Basically one marriage prospects less, so more or less only one is left and I am very uncertain of her status (I must have a virgin, no exceptions baby)
    On the positive sides, I discovered that my body loves to hold on into weight
    It's like with every dieting day, the true weight of course gets lower, but water weight increases and increases, so apparently there is no move at all with dieting
    then when someone, for example, binge eats for a day or two
    weigt magically comes off body
    and you see that you have, in fact, lost weight
    it is extremely confusing and is called a weight woosh

    quote from somewhere
    lol I agree so much,if I had real linear weight loss my motivation would not come and go :D
     
  9. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    it may provide some trouble, yes
    but for me the benefits would surpass disadvantages
    I am operating on half or less of my abilities
    it was always crushes that motivated me the most in life
    if alone I would probably work half a year then do nothing for half a year then repeat
    on the other hand I probably dream of it because I am lonely, and with simple 2 month relationship every thought of marriage etc would diminish
    "the grass is greener on the other side"
    also I am still a bit drunk :D
     
  10. Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Woj, i noticed that you regularly relapse to masturbation according to your counter.
    Is this something you are struggling with along with PMO or are you just letting yourself MO all the time to replace PMO and peeking?
     
  11. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    I'd call it hypofrontality
    I never had that bad willpower in my whole life
    It's only after I "exhaust" myself masturbating, that I have 2-3 days without cravings, and then momentum and increased energy carry me further - and then I can last many days, unless one day I get drunk & sad or I have serious sleep deficiency
    What more about hypofrontality is that I basically started smoking, eat all day. Bollocks man.
    If Gary Wilson is right, then only abstinence from Fap can improve this condition enough that it will spill-over to other areas of life
    Last counter problems - well I wasn't even trying - now I am angry because my sister is making a lot of parties lately and I'd enjoy if I had this sperm strength
    Today my grandpa visited me and I had trouble looking him in the eye - that's the symptom
     
  12. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    somehow yesterday I was too tired to masturbate, and today I said to myself something genius: "I will do it later"
    Procrastination of bad things, brilliant idea xD

    So there were this Holy Days
    Long term boyfriend proposed to my sister, they are both 25
    It made me feel old, but only for one day

    Today was another Holy Day, so we invited some family
    first wave family was afwul xD
    but this wave has passed, another one was actually fun to be around
    aunt told me that I am some kind of authority to her daughter xD it was a big lol moment to me
    I got a lot of compliments this day, although they may have double meaning

    btw funny thing, whenever I get "happy drunk" I usually text some girls on fb. Of course, I text those girls that I THINK may be into me
    Some tell me to gtfo, some are mystery to me
    So this one I was dreaming of yesterday and almost fapped to wrote to me today while I was very mildly drunk
    we were chatting about some kind of dream girl of me and how I'm going to get her, ofcourse while it was some imaginary girl, we both were sure its about us
    So it can be happy moment
    She even said she doesn't like thin guys ;D Good for her and me
    Ok getting back to this family party
    It's only today I rediscovered how I would "prepare statements" in my head if that was 3-4 years ago
    I definitely lost a lot of social phobia, now I even talk too much
    My parents try to stop me from saying certain things, and I only get louder, explaining to everyone that they are shy xD
    I even told one uncle that "third time's a charm" if he ever hits me again, even jokingly and that if he can't drink he shouldn't
    and he complimented me for this
    WTF

    here's some music
    It is played in GTA:San Andreas every time the main character has a fail date, with girl's pissed face shown
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPWYcjypSWo
    TROLLFACE
     
  13. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    I could never understand why men go to war
    When I read my history textbook, it's all history of defending our country from the enemies
    Attacks on the other countries? It's maybe 10 percent of the text, and it is always in the righteous cause
    I think if I read any country history textbook, it would be filled with just wars and proper reasons
    But okay, I would defend my country too
    But it never justified in any way why peopl attacked other countries
    I am not talking about some totalitarian Hitler styled wars
    I am talking about medieval times
    Why people went to war? They had more or less - 50% chance of go back in coffin
    Or go back mutilated
    Why?
    Why stop flirting with girls here? Or why leave the loved ones?
    I never knew why
    Now I know

    Because there are no willing girls, or there is no loved one
    When the man is so pissed, he doesn't care anymore
    When he has nothing to lose
    He can go die - yet he is dead already
    Or he can pillage and loot, go back rich, bruised and manly, a hero
    And vaginas would melt
    Or if he thinks he won't be successful anyway
    He can rape all the women in the world
    And they did loot, did rape, and did die

    Glory was just an excuse
    They surely didn't fap
    If they fapped, there would be no wars
    People just would ignore women
    And women maybe would change to accomodate them, finally
    But it is not important

    I don't want to go to war, be agressive, kill anybody or behave like an animal (and I can do all of this on my no fap streak)
    Alas it came - a straw that broke the camel's back
    I did drink again, because friend came to my house
    And I did drink more, because my father insisted. Didn't want to drink alone I guess
    Then this girl wrote
    and she did write that she is going abroad at sunday
    My heart beat faster. Fuck you - I thought
    I thought you would at least stay untill new years so we can meet
    I already know your relationship is a failure
    Yet, drunk people say stupid things
    And she did admit she did have sex with him
    She was praising all along, earlier, when I only started this friendship, that she can and will wait till marriage or at least long - till she knews he is the one
    And I was willing to wait. I could be happy with or without sex
    Yet, I told her we don't have anything to talk about anymore

    No crush, no recovery
    Because I won't prepare for breathing in mars, when I am not going there anytime soon
    Maybe I am just like a girl
    Yes, I am
    I am not motivated by sex
    I am motivated by love
    By having a crush
    I have no crush anymore, therefore I fap
    I am capable of great things
    I can stop masturbating anytime
    Just let my princess order me
    There is no princess, therefore I reset
    is this pathetic? yes it is, and I am too
    but this is my journal

    till another crush
    or
    "to the victor goes the spoils"
     
  14. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    wow, it's new year apparently

    so during the christmas I got crushed by some bad news, then fapped like mad for several days
    got horrible depression, worst of its kind this year
    this kind of depression got me fail on uni twice back when I was still 19-20 year old - but back then it lasted for months, and usually every second day or with some streaks. roughly 50% fo the time one way or another
    maybe the depression was due to overindulgence with alcohol (when I drink alone I drink like 4-6 beers range but when with family its probably twice and it lasted for days due to many guests)
    I slept for 12-14 hours per day when I could and I had this nausea feeling, I was horribly weak - just like before death or like on extreme dieting

    so that was the preemptive stuff, now onwards to nowadays
    i have like 4 days freedom of porn on my belt now
    I don't know how it started - I just didn't feel like masturbating, then after 1.5 day I got back to normal sleep pattern (like I awoke with sun finally) and it got me thinking
    Now I am quite horny and became nice to girls
    I set up a meeting with this virgin girl, the only one who I talk seriously to
    I am scared as shit because she mentions sex (and I don't). I don't even think about sex with her, because she seems delicate like eggshell and I foresee her complaints etc. I have to kill my mind to have sex with her, I guess if she had the same body but was stupid instead of sensitive I would have fucked her in every hole by now
    Nonetheless, my weener is regaining sensitivity, this night I had to make a tent out of my blanket to sleep peacefully
    I am also more angry, lets call this assertive

    I am trying to fit other girls into this trip to the mentioned virgin, creatively planning some clever places to shoot two birds with the one stone - because I don't fancy 3 hour trip that much, even if it's with two sleepovers for free

    If the sex/date is good then I'm thinking about getting any job and getting subsidies from my parents if it pays below standards of poverty (which is probable lol)

    When I come to think of it - I always fap because of women or loneliness or adultery, because I forget the obvious link between masturbation and depression. Now when I was almost dead inside due to massive fap binge, maybe I will remember
     
  15. Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Hey man, sorry to hear about your relapses. If you need somebody to talk to about your frustrations, etc feel free to PM me.
    You can beat this MO and depression of yours.
     
  16. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Mysterious land of blue balls


    So I travelled to this girl so I could spend two nights with her
    I will tl;dr her
    Instant I seen her I understood why shy wasn't very keen on sending me more photos, and each photo took her month or two
    I think she literaly has to make 50 photos to have one that she could send guilt free
    Just too fat girl, probably 90kg for 175 cm (taller than me by two cm)
    But I just was craving human interaction, so I persisted

    It shattered my vision, taken from YBOP, that you can just love one girl, if you dont see other girls, and have all this oxytocine etc
    My nonfaping only enabled me to persist here
    If I was after 1 day or two, I would leave the next day morning, it's only this 7 days that made me persist
    well, it's not like I was disgusted or something, she was still above average, but this moment I just thought that there is no chance in the world she is GF material. Not being able to have sex from any position other than classic, that would eventually break anyway
    Nonetheless, I had some strong erections, I taught her some things (everything), maybe even how to kiss, who knows
    She even asked me if I want to meet her as friends (not exact words, but she knows her place without complaints and angriness - she can be fuck buddy only)

    One right has proven true, when you have one girl, others come faster
    Some girls chatted me, one was unknown, she is probably 170/70 and virgin at 21 y.o. and nice looking and nice personality, maybe it will be future's thing
    Other one was girl that I knew for a 18 months or more now. She is very unfaithful, and said she is pregnant. She was looking forwards to meeting me. I doubt she can "last" with the parent of this child, so I guess I will retake her and fuck her brains out without a condom til she has this birth. It would be a semblance of real relationship, finally, for me. Because I could fuck every day, fuck without fear of pregnancy, fuck without looking at the calendar, fuck for hours
    [​IMG]
    I literaly deserve something from life, don't I?

    So onwards to seeking job to fuel my instincts
     
  17. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    Didn't notice your reply
    So when I was in this girls house, that was supposed to be a date, but after serveral hours I already knew there is no chance in the world I could love her (she seems 90kg with nice face). BUT just "living" with a girl, staying here, having someone to talk to (my family is failure at conversation) made my hunger levels fold in half and my wellbeing was improved by considerable amount.

    Now about NoFap progress
    My sleep is almost completely fixed, although I still can sleep 10 hours, my average length shifted by two full hours. Usual days is between 6 to 8 hours, which compared with average 10 I used to sleep is great. I also have much more "HD" dreams. Two days ago I dreamed about small perky breasts of girl I wrote to just before bed. This dream was delicious!
    Today I had a dream that was strange. So this politician I liked died a few days ago. So I saw him alive in this dream. Then, my granda died in dream, and after a minute he was alive again. I did read description of resurrection in dream dictionary, and it says "getting rid of a big problem". Maybe it would be a problem with girls? Or with money. Nonetheless it made me optimistic.
    I think January for Women can be the same as March can be to Cats, because girls are writing like mad, new ones pick my number on random and that's how I meet them. Some send me pictures, and I literaly have to open my windows because I instantly have this hot blush / flash paired with difficulty breathing. Now, comparing to this fat girl, when I imagine lying next to more or less any girl with normal weight (in complete darkness if its needed) I can just imagine my penis having erections just from the curves. Or how any position with that girl is possible, whereas with fat girl you can only have sex with her legs on your shoulders (only way to find her hole with not-yet erected penis).

    I am honestly thinking about going for any job, because I think I could endure anything. Lately I read article about some guy who ditched uni and became a plumber, and how he just can't earn less than 100K per year. And this girl while straining on your body, can't strain your mind at all. My mind is too fragile to be a lonely programmer, maybe with a loving girlfriend yes, but thats the only powerup that could make me program for a living. Also, semi-starving would make a lots to my silhouette. I can imagine having 3 euros per day to spend on food, that would certainly help me slim down. Arguably one can get fat on less, but I would just buy meat for this money, not some bread or pasta bullshité

    I am getting more and more thoughts like "shut down this repetitive game and clean this mess". While I don't follow them yet, they are getting stronger and stronger
     
  18. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    I don't want to write here anymore. Maybe because I don't consider myself an addict anymore. But still, this journal is helpful to me as I can read this in the future

    I have 14 days on my belt, I think I will beat my previous record of 40 days, that ended with a wet dream and pissed me off. Still, those were good times, full of romance and adventure

    Witholding sperm gives me more energy, although now I am quite sad because some promising girl ignores me now for two days. Still, I couldn't imagine being faithful to her anyway, so it will pass soon.

    I am losing weight for first time in over a year. Somehow I have willpower to stick with my diet. My diet is simple, just wait till 18:00 for my first and only meal. I eat whatever fucking I want for an hour, I stuff myself * then after this hour I drink two or three capuccinos full of sugar and go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

    So about stuffing myself. I became more peaceful with leaving food on the plate. I will eat it later. I am shocked how my portions shrank. I think I already lost 1.5 kg, of course its connected with water and manure, but semi-permament water loss is possible (as long as you diet i.e. take most of calories from belly fat).

    I don't care about my country again, because I won't work at 110% of survival salary while being alone. I could do that with having a nice girlfriend, but I won't have it, as any options to have gf are based on deceit on my part and are short term at best (half a year or so).
    So I decided that I will probably finish my masters degree (programming) and find a job anywhere. Germany, Holland, UK, you name it, I don't care. I will probably buy a car big enough to comfortably sleep and fuck there (warm and cozy), so I can meet my dreams of travelling Poland and finally visiting those girls that chat with me for two or three years.

    Drinking makes me depressed for day or two, so thats probably why I'm sad today. Cheers
     
  19. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    25 days
    yet it is only 3 of "your days"
    I will explain later

    I can't write, don't know why, maybe it's the glorious flatline, maybe not
    remember when you first discovered fapping?
    by discovering I mean discovering by yourself, not being told by anyone
    with me it started like that:
    my balls started to itch
    I scratched them through the day
    also, my penis sometimes was lying uncomfortably in my panties
    like upside-down, or too much to the left
    (it happens when it is slightly enlarged by friction with the fabric, it is a bit too large than it's used to, so it gets strange)
    and you have to fix it position, so it lays straightly downwards

    all these occurences make you touch your genitals more nad more through the day

    I have it again for 3 days now
    I even sit without my panties for most of the day to prevent this
    3 days earlier I even edged to like 70%
    it was glorious experience
    I lost all fear and despite being fat pig, wrote to many girls that I was scared of
    I wanted to set up a meeting, money and time irrelevant, because my horniness was finally stronger than my fear of rejection

    results of this preparations are yet to be discovered

    I am willing to drive through whole country to spend like 2-3-4 days (and nights) somewhere with a girl that "knows" me for a 5 years now



    I started my diet on like 12th of January, two weeks from now
    and no results
    first week , first 5 days there were results, then my mother 50 birthday came, and having to be at the party and eat, it killed my starting "momentum". I still adhere to the diet principles (warrior diet) but my stomach demands much more food after that day

    I am considering eating once per two days... I did it in the past, results were always great
     
  20. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Re: I have no mouth but I must scream

    22 days were without sexual thought, I was just more "romantic" and flirtatious
    horniness only started 3 days ago, so I feel like every rebooter on his 3rd day

    the thing is I eat from 18 to 24, with my main meal at the beginning
    but I think I am going overboard with those meals:
    after first half an hour my stomach is already fool, and then it comes: boredom food, beer, sweet coffee etc
    maybe I'll first change dem hours to 22-23:59

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af1OxkFOK18&feature=youtu.be

    I know its about something different, but when you only watch half of it, its perfectly describes getting back into dating scene
    "if you have gf, you can have two"

    I'm pretty much sure I will relapse this week, but I will try my best
    unless I watch porn without wanking
    it somehow satisfies some things (not always though, so its risky)
    "Promised" sex that is cancelled is a heavy trigger to me
    well, maybe this fantasizing about sex or expecting is violates "No Arousal" rule, but without this arousal I would not even pay those little bit (for a hotel) to have sex!

    shitty IF diet doesn't work, or maybe it does work, but somehow my calories requirement seems to be like 1200! ewww, it's like one dinner
    so today my eating window lasted 65 minutes, and I ate probably 1200-1300 kcals
    even if I eventually lose those 10-20 kilos, metabolism will probably slow down even further
    is it worth to eat like a bird to score with women? I don't know, but I will try to endure this hell for months longer

    27 days and two hours

    it's funny
    it's only two (awake) hours from my relapse and I'm already missing being horny etc :D


    http://news.distractify.com/pinar/social-anxiety-world/

    damn, its a bit exaggerated, but otherwise painfully accurate :eek:
     

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