Time to kill old demons of the past

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by wojtekoxx, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    My kind request:
    If you want to help, or contribute, but have little time, just read the last post of mine and maybe reply to it. If you have a bit more time you can also read first post. If you like this journal or can relate on many levels, feel free to read most of the posts.

    Hi. My nickname is wojtekoxx. I decided to set up a journal, because it's been a year since I've first heard about disadvantages of masturbating, and after some success in Summer I've hit a rock bottom because of life situation. I was so desentisized emotionally that I dumped the only (and the best possible) girlfriend that made it with me for so long (2.5 years, over 200-300 meetings). To make things worse when I was during very successful no PMO streak she wanted to meet with me, and that started the hell. Call it love from first sight, with someone who you never properly loved. To cut the story short I've fell into biggest depression of my life (living alone, no friends - I've lost them because my GF was "enough" people for me), last year of the uni, also I've done something stupid so I have to go to the court in a few months and hear about my future. All these problems would make someone else suicide probably (I have always had a depression) but it only made me masturbate again.

    Now while I understand that my life will never be even 50% as good as it was year or two ago, but I've decided to at least make a try. Go through the withdrawals, cry a river. There is this trap in my life that good is the enemy of the perfect. Sometimes eating 50% healthy as opposed to Standard Western Diet, or masturbating once per day won't cut it. One should go for the 100% and survive the worst to see the true benefits.

    My main relapse thing are girls. All these years I was masturbating to photos. Photos of dressed women at women magazines when I was younger. Then photos of girls from social media when I got high speed internet (at 19 y.o.). Porn was used mainly for 3rd or 4th orgasm of the day. Nowadays I deleted all the porn, but social media is the trigger to me. I have to use facebook, otherwise I would die of loneliness by now. But when I see the photos of girls who were literally throwing themselves at me, but I was desentisized (couldn't love) or couldn't get myself to have sex, I want to cry. I want revenge for destroying my life. I want peace of mind so I masturbate to photos of my would-to-be ex. 5 dates or 10 dates didn't cut it. I always found excuse to not have time for further dates, thats how I lost girls... Now whem my "eyes" are much better due to masturbating way less, I know what I lost and it's very depressing.

    I am 25 y.o. but I've made the journal in this section, because basically I've failed one year on the Uni, then another one I was working, so I "grow" just like 23 year olds of today.

    I decided to give a full try to not-masturbating, also trying to get into paleo diet (today big shopping) again. There are some days when you just can't start any new habit or destroy an old one. But sometimes there are days when one just feels momentum and can produce enough motivation to "start" in a pleasurable way, full of optimism. Today is the day. My flat-mate woke me up too early, and I was sitting at the IM , half asleep, half awoke, horny as hell. This feeling made me want to feel benefits of abstaining again. Starting with today I try to regain my sanity and my life. Thanks for reading.
  2. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Hello there, sir.

    If there's something I agree with the material on Recovery Nation (very recommended, by the way!) is that you really have to begin the recovery with the right mindset, by truly wanting to change; quitting just because you feel bad after hitting the rock bottom is not enough sometimes: you will feel better, then, forgetting the feeling that made you want to stop, back you may go. So, sir, think about your reasons, forget about what you want to let go and think about all you want to build on your life, what you really have, and then commit yourself to it.

    I needed some time to finally realize that the addiction was just a symptom of something bigger and that by finding the causes, the effects would disappear. I failed when I just wanted to stop, but I'm feeling really strong now that I am focusing on changing my life, dealing with all issues on it I'm not comfortable about; focused on building the future I want for me. Find what's important to you, what's really important, and then put your soul on it, with all your commitment. You see, the attitude is important, very important. Know that P or M are not options in your life anymore, and live accordingly.

    Think on things while bearing on your mind the life you want to have. Seek for the things that will help you getting there, get the heck away of everything that won't. So, Facebook is making you relapse? Remove your account. But you need it so you won't feel lonely? You don't. You need company. There are so many options that won't get you close to relapsing (and anyway, this is not a option anymore!), so go and find something; if you need ideas, look here. Enroll on some class of something you like and where you will meet people, or start a new hobby (specially one you can practice with someone), practice sports... all these are things that will help you: will fill your time with useful activities, will make you feel better about yourself, will connect you to people... so, use everything you can.

    By the way, you're not the old Methuselah, sir! Trust me on this: you have enough time to make your life 200% better than it was before. You will not only regain your sanity and your life, but create a better life to yourself and making your mind stronger than it was ever before. You really can do it. Why wouldn't you? You went through some rough times and here you are, therefore you're strong. And you also have the will. You won't be alone, because here we are, so many striving to improve our lives in the same way you want to do with yours, and everyone will do all the possible to help. And we have so much helpful material and advice! Sir, we WILL overcome. And that's it.

    Just only one last thing. You say you want to make a try, will try not to spank the poor monkey, try to get on the paleo diet, try to regain your life and sanity...! You see, I really like Yoda, so I take every possible chance to post this:


    Start doing things. Again: you have the strength, the will, the support, the information; YOU CAN accomplish all you want. Start doing. Take control. Become the man you want to be, turn your life into that you want. Run for it, and if you fall, get up and start running even faster!

    Now, good luck to you, sir. And all the strength!

    Best regards!
  3. Hey bro it's just like Pantaleon said get on that diet, play sports, Start hitting the gym. You know just start focusing on bettering your life in general. You can do it my friend we're all for you, here to help and rooting for you :)
  4. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    I've got horny enough to try finding a girlfriend or at least a "something" buddy for myself. Now I see it's either girls I know don't believe I'm genuinely interested, or I was hesitating too much and they can't "find time" for date. So I got drunk and tried to set a date with every girl who is writing to me on regular basis. Now I see they write just out of boredom, I got really really pissed and deleted their numbers. How I checked this? I asked every one of them to talk with me on the phone or skype. 0 phone talks given. Now I see I've got to get myself new "friends". Girls really lose interest in relationship when you stall it.
    When it comes to ordinary life, I wake up before the alarm clock, and with morning wood. The wood is "fake" to me, because I guess it's just body's way of saying "get me to the WC NOW". I drink 4-5 liters of water/tea/coke every day so... I don't have more energy I guess, but my memory went better, me remembering some things from the past. But still at today classes I understood almost nothing. Still, it's the most difficult subject compared to all the classes I took through the whole Uni experience. Advanced algorithms and data structures. Holy crap.

    I really don't know why I don't want to masturbate. I think that my theory of starting on the "right" day is right. Today and yesterday I indulged in watching (fully clothed) girls on social media and cameras to make myself horny and pleasurable. I have found a great bit of pleasure in being horny, my voice immediately changed to porn voice (like Barry White), that's why I wanted to call some girls so badly, but no effect today. I am still being drunk, I guess I got to know one interested girl on the Net, let's try to meet with her. :) Logging off. Cheers
  5. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    So here I am. It's 6:45 AM, 2nd day of the week. Never could remember those names. Tuesday I guess. I'm sitting at the toilet, fapping and resetting my counter after seven days. What led me to this?

    I failed, but this alone act of masturbation was there only to make the dividing line between success and failure. Now I can be free to say that the process went wrong and I can start again. I am sitting at the laptop, meanwhile the girl is lying in the bed. We had sex every night. Friday, Saturday (O), Sunday (O), Monday (O). Yesterday I had it in the afternoon, and after that I got drunk, so I guess thats why I "failed" during the actual night. She had to woke me in pleasurable ways.

    But why I call this success a failure? Well, sex is a failure to me. I hate sex. I wish sex wasn't needed to bond, to call it "relationship". It's pleasurable, more than my hand. So what? I orgasmed three times during the weekend. Maybe that's why I am pissed right now, because I'm on this site mainly for the superpowers. But sex was never good thing to me, ever.

    Since when I was a kid I sensed that sex is kind of bad. Well, adultery was one thing to consider. Girls being used, wanting true love is another. But sex is really pointless. It's a toy for adults. I consider video games or actual toys more mature ways of spending time. Mean Genes, anyone? I can say that having sex during my life was worthwhile experience, but was it? It's like reminding myself eating tasty ice cream. Meaningless. I really wish there was another way of giving and receiving love. We are slaves to sex. It makes us do really stupid things. And our life before sex came into play was easier.

    Well of course, if I was a bit more quick to stop, I would have 0 orgasms on my belt since when I started, but that would not change my opinion. What is very funny is that no-fap has ruined my life. I've read in a ebook by "60 years of challenge", that in order to really be attractive to woman, one should restrain from fapping. These notions led me here. And I reduced fapping a big time! It got me 12 girls in bed in the 12 months of the last year. In the summer I was proud of achievement, but in the December I wish I could have my legs and arms broken to undo the year... Having so many attractive girls on my radar, being stupid and horny made me lose love of my life. Because "there are so many other super girls". There aren't. Personality is the key. My other half wasn't fitting 100%, but 90% is damn good match, isn't it? That's why due to no-fap I am alone for the first year since many. I left my good friend roommate to rent a flat, because I wanted sex with my gf. Now I don't have gf and don't have friend, and I guess living alone made me person I am today (on the brink of failing my last year on the Uni). I was never so close to failing exams. I had so much time to study, yeah? Nope, I was dead or drunk, we can't call it life. More like coma.

    The sexual energy also led me to the Court. I couldn't wait 2 months for a girl to be legal, now I have trial in court. I won't go to the jail, but my papers will be fucked for the next 5 years.

    Now all this sounds like blaming sex and libido. Well I have freedom of choice. But free will? Nope. Sex is called drive for a reason. I regret 90% of times when I had sex with someone other than my ex. I wish 2013 didn't happen. I wish I won't have sex again unless it's 100% safe and I can be sure I won't orgasm. This hatred towards animal nature is not helping me in gaining superpowers at all. I recognize that proper rebooting and rewiring will allow me to have sex with condom, and maybe that will kill a half or more of my hatred towards sex.


    I've found a nice comment to this brain picture:
  6. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    Algorithms and data structures are you a computer science student? 8)
  7. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Yes, last year. I've got a hard time, years of masturbation made my memory very weak, now it's much better but SO many things to make up for that I have learned but forgot. I guess that after graduating I'll spend two months on making up for the wasted years, so I can feel at least a bit competent in the field.
  8. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    I am a cs student too. :-X
  9. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    4 orgasms later... Kinda ashamed to come here, but let's face shame and go on with my journey. I changed my avatar, don't want to look at the pixelated face of my ex. Now the new av is kind of lips and nose that are my fetish. I always pay attention to those and just the look at interesting kind of lips can arouse me, but I will stick with this pic. It was the last one I succumbed to anyway, so good reminder (and motivator, because who knows, maybe I will get those again?).

    Now I noticed that my whole PC is filled with "porn". Because pictures of my ex girlfriends or some of my memories - I can masturbate to it any day of the week. I can also go to the sites which will be never blocked by K9 or something and it will arouse me. Because porn filter won't block pictures of Christina Hendricks, will it? So definitely its much harder for me than for regular porn users who can delete porn but download it afterwards if they wish some "reunion". Dressed girls are much more arousing to me, because I don't like "sluts" or I like some mystery. That's how brain can work, folks. But enough of this rant.

    Everytime I relapse, I think to myself - there won't be any mind superpowers anyway, you will be stupid as always, you will forget things, you will have bags under eyes, you will sleep 10+ hours per day. Compared to brain fog, my not-hard-enough erections are not a big nuisance.

    Tonight my friend wanted to come over for sex, after not talking to me for 3 months [because I was insensitive jerk(I was not, but she wants way too much from me)]. I kinda refused, because I was after 4 orgams, I almost died by my own hand (Dr Kellogs reference), I agreed to meet for just cuddling and kisses, but then she spillt some wine on her laptop and was too sad to come. I'd go crying if it happened to my PC.

    Procrastination took it's toll, so the whole Thursday will be dedicated to doing projects I can do. Then I will have to endure emotional pain of asking my flatmate to help me. His methods of explaining things make me cringe! I can give you an analogy. Let's say you will have guests in 12 hours and he made a mess in the kitchen and in the toilet. Now he will begin cleaning these rooms, but with a great attention to detail, searching for every bit of dust, while I can wait horribly nervous - will he finish in time? Will he show any visible progress instead of doing it at snails pace? I can cope with some microscopic bacteria, dude!
    The dude just has this work ethic that I can't stand. When he helps me with some projects, he can spend whole day on GUI or unnecessary things like make user registration demand that there will upper and lowercase letters, other symbols and numbers. I want a gooddamn login ASAP in order to focus on other things, I don't want masterpiece. Then when it comes to actually difficult and important things, my brain is just asleep after horrible boredom and anger. And he won't change, I asked him before. I guess some alcohol will do to endure it.

    Now let's just reset my counter, because I forgot to or I thought there will be more orgasms. I changed the wallpaper to not contain any female images. Average amount of fap per day this year is 0.95, last year in the two last months it was 0.75. I can feel a difference. Have a nice day my, anyone who is reading this
  10. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    teh.... if you don't need images that much block images entirely.
  11. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    but you didn't do good dumping her. get back to her !!!!!!!!!!!!
  12. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    I can't get back to my ex, the only option is to patiently wait until her Romeo becomes not so shiny! Well, I've noticed that romantic kind of girls always write to me after breakup with their next (after me) partner, to offer the next chance. If I pass this chance, girl is gone forever. So I'll definitely will be looking for that!

    Well, my excel spreadsheet look horribly. Chaser effect from sex ruined everything. Gotta stop all sex until it's possible w/ condom, even if girls will be disappointed.

    Here's the table. Columns are: day, orgasm (with girl), orgasm (with hand)

    1 0 0
    2 0 3
    3 0 1
    4 0 0
    5 0 0
    6 0 0
    7 0 0
    8 1 0
    9 1 0
    10 1 0
    11 0 3
    12 0 1
    13 0 2
    14 0 3
    15 0 2
    16 0 2

    as you can see it's horrible. I don't have the willpower to abstain from masturbation AND study for exams, so exams win.
    BUT after reading one article from ybop:
    I will masturbate only to women genitals. I've searched the disk and found 38 pictures of pussies of my ex girlfriends, so that'w will be my only help during the days. I think looking at the pussy is some kind or rewiring to me. Because looking at the cute face is making me thinking about masturbation in 80% and about sex in 20%, while looking at the pussy makes me think about sex in at least 60% and masturbation is UP TO 40%. I won't update my counter till after finals, which will happen on the 23rd of February. There are only laboratories and projects(harder parts). For real exams I'll stop fapping, to increase my memory. Cheers!
  13. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Well, of course while masturbating to genitals can work as lesser evil during relapse, masturbating every day makes anyone want to masturbate twice and porn kicks in. Had more porn in the last two weeks, than during the last three months.

    How stupid I was to even assume that a little indulgence will not turn to monster. The same story is with food, you try fast food once, and will to eat healthy foods diminishes immediately. I had some success with exams tho, that's why I think I will continue therapy immediately. I am not getting enough sleep anyway, so what's wrong with lying in bed, staring at walls and being horny as hell? I don't have money for paleo tho, too much alcohol (but it made me have secks at thursday :p), so let's just start IF (only eating between 15 and 20, but will try to change it to 20-24).
  14. aloopinfiasco

    aloopinfiasco New Member

    You have alot on your plate man, I commend you for going through this journey at this time of your life. You mentioned you left your friend (roommate) to rent another apartment? Are they still in the same city as you? Do you keep in touch? It may seem like you guys have gone seperate ways, but catching up with them over coffee or something may reignite your friendship!

    Also, I see you struggle with procrastination heavily due to studying and the stress, I do too, and I use PMO as a destresser. Recently I found it's linked to perfectionism. That's where all the stress comes from, trying to get everything perfect. And this stems from feelings of shame and worthlesness if you don't get these things perfect. And that could be a symptom of some surpressed emotional events...

    My point is, try and work backwards from the symptoms to the cause, that way you only have to focus on one thing, and it will fix so many others in the process. I recommend reading up on how to deal with perfectionism. Searching that in google will give you a ton of stuff to start with. And also look into "Toxic Shame", I think it may be relevant.

    Keep your head up man!
  15. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    There is something to this perfectionism. In Uni we have 4 grades, 2(failure) ,3 ,4 ,5 . Professors give assignments, but they are too vague, whenever I try to go for 3 and pass, I expect myself to do a good job, but I fail. Only when I see my friends completed assignments day or two before deadline I see: LOL, that crap passes for 3? I can finish it in two days! But then I have one day left, so I go for all nighter etc...

    Can you post a link to this Toxic Shame thing?
  16. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Damn, I think I've become a psychic, after my ex girlfriend who could foresee future. Now I witness strange and plentiful coincidences. Like I'm programming in Django, web application language that has been started in Lawrence, Kansas. Meanwhile two main characters from my favourite series Supernatural hail from the same town. Or the New Year's Eve I've seen a girl with a skullcap (beanie) with a text "Hakuna Matata", while this word is almost the say as the surname of a girl I was vistiting this day (first time of my life). And things like that are getting more and more numerous (and kind of funny).

    Now when it comes to the Supernatural series thing, earlier in the day I wanted to make a mental note and later write something here, and watching the last episode made me say the exact something because the episode was accidentaly (yeah, right) reinforcing my thoughts. Well, now 2 hours ago my mind was like: you can only control your hands not your mind. I understood that I will always have urges. I will NEVER change this or heal my mind (well, the good effects will happen but urges will stay), but I can control my hands. Well with a bad diet it's not like you fall down with your mouth on a donut, it's your hands that take the thing to your mouth. And it's not like you are raped by invisible force, it's your hand that touches your penis. When it comes to willpower I guess one can't force myself effectively enough to do something. At least not some intelectual activity. You can force yourself to dig that 3 metres deep hole with a shovel, but you can't force yourself to remember boring crap, because your mind will be busy by mental struggle. So I won't force myself to do anything, I will just say no repeatedly to bad things. Because:
    [​IMG] this is all it takes (image and signature taken from humorous article about masturbation).

    So what was the today's (today watched at least) episode about? It was about a guy who suddenly become very hungry, because he has genes of some kind of monster, and he will become an ugly monster as soon as he tries human blood. He resists attacking his wife, who cuts herself in her finger (scent of blood is very strong and sweet to this guy). And the words of the main positive characters to him were more or less like "it doesn't matter what you are, it matters what you do" because they believed he can stop, avoid disaster and just feed on raw meat for life. So yes, I believe something big is controlling my life or contributing to it, I believe in supernatural things, I had a girl who have foreseen so many things it's not even funny. Things like that are definitely there just not visible when you search for them intentionally.

    My counter finally has something with the "day" word, not just hours. I doubt I will fap again, not unless I change my mind on intention. I don't belive in any girl who writes to me, with all their sweet promises, I can live without their words, becase the words mean jack, there are no good, nice things to follow. As one rapper from my country said/rapped "bounce away from the people you mean nothing to, you won't miss them, try and you will see" (my translation). I guess there is no seduction, if they wanted to meet, they would, with my ex girlfriends it was never difficult. If it is difficult it will end badly anyway, why bother. Well due to fapping I was always socially not-very-eager, sitting at my PC, chatting girls online and setting dates. And I don't know why, the girls were pretty, much too pretty for me, I never knew how I attracted them, I believed it was seduction things, De Angelo books, me putting real effort to appear desirable. I've noticed that actions speak more than words, so I asked every girl who I was chatting with to send me a lot of photos (I fapped to them, because I was unable to have sex anyway). One thing I have noticed that it never was sucessful with any girl who either I didnt have 50+ photos of or I didnt have many photos and some naked. I didn't meet any girl who met these expectations since almost a year. I guess it's the time to get rid of the ones that tantalize me now like sirens.
  17. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?
    The quote is from the movie Trainspotting. Let's say these things in mind were like I was seeing life. Cynical, full of living in my head. You can see how the quote is so right, then how it is so wrong. It's just like life on fap. And the quote is by addict, too!

    It's almost six days! 6 and 7th day are the most difficult to me, I didn't achieve that mark since summer, when I still believed being better man will get my girlfriend back. But I think I will endure difficulties and cravings.

    Today was one day I was ashamed of my PMO habits. Some girl from uni (We are both interested in each other, but she is taken) had to use my laptop to see some exercises from the email. She opened the pic and accidentaly pressed space. Well... on the desktop there were some pictures stored, so she turned on picture of some girl and who knows what else. I am afraid to check when thirsty. At least the girl was clothed, but I think its worse ! Because if she seen naked girl photo she would think I'm normal guy, and now I am weirdo who faps for facebook photos...

    I didn't feel any superpowers neither today or yesterday, but it was nice crying to music on sunday... This no-fap thing was supposed to get me into work, get me to grow up. I somehow doubt I can be cured, can be normal guy. I feel like child when with people my age, that's why I try to hang with much younger girls. They are my level of intelect, my level of awkwardness. Dunno why I am writing this, I would never write this if anyone familiar could see this... Girl I had sex with almost month ago (during the period ffs) is afraid her period is late. Another one, seemingly intelligent, visited me 2 weeks ago and we had sex. Now she says she was probably on her fertile days. Girls where is your mind?! Girls are really stupid, because if I could I would impregnante every single one of girls I had sex with. They are so stupid, it's their body. Anyone could just get a little drunk and ejaculate inside them.

    I often think how pathetic things I write here are. If I started this thing two years ago, it would be one of the best success stories here! Now I am "better man" , or when I am not , I at least know I can be much better any minute, but my life is seriously crap. I recognize why people fail at 6 or 7th day. They seem like too much hassle, like you will never get rid of this horniness neediness. Neediness is crap, it lowers our chances with women. And while it's supposed to be alpha vibe and what not, it will take time to recover friendships and get into social life. And until one gets his groove back, being needy/horny/loving is much worse than being indifferent and negging girls left and right. Dunno what to write next, I will pretend only I can read this. At least this Tuesday my worries about studies will be no more. I will get to bed early, get up early, run, have walks, train, go to gym, starve myself out of sweets, get terrible headache, get cravings, feel alive.

    Then when this movie, Trainspotting ends, after he got a girlfriend, got a job, and found a life different than life of his friends, he speaks almost the same words as in the beginning (of the post and of the movie), but so differently... It's like normal life can be enjoyable. Enjoy the video, too
  18. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Had to masturbate. It wasn't craving, but it was my choice. Why did I do that? It was 1 after midnight and I just wanted to SLEEP. And I had to wake at 6 o'clock to study while I usually can't get my brain to work without 5 hours of sleep. And I had splitting headache from crying. Crying? Yes, during the afternoon of the last day I drank two strong beers, then got extremely suicidal and seriously thought what would happen if I killed myself. Then I awoke three hours later and began crying. That got me thinking that to me 7th day is always the worst, and maybe it is worth to masturbate to only sensation. I tried it for 5 minutes, then remembered my last sex and it made me orgasm in another 30 seconds. I suddenly felt 50% relief, it was enough to get me to sleep. Now I don't know what to do with my counter. It's would be a shame to reset it, because I didn't use any photos or even imagination of things that didn't happen. I will continue no fap patch and compare my progress after two or three weeks. If it matches the progress of other rebooters then the counter will stay, otherwise I will remove 7 days from my counter (it was 7 days when I had to ejaculate).

    I was afraid that rebooting for the 10th or so time will not give me first week benefits (alphaness, horniness IRL) or even long term benefits, but reading journals, most notably biowinning made me change my mind. Yes, of course, this time benefits were much smaller, but also I was getting little sleep, had so much studying, so bad and fast diet, it could change a thing or two. I think I will ask you guys some questions in my next post to gain perspective what to do with my life, because almost no friend of mine was there before (PMO brain fog, social anxiety), and girls who were my confidant just can't imagine how it is, because they are girls. I know one girl who doesnt masturbate for 150 or more days now, she swears she has some benefits, but she had no withdrawals or depression caused by stopping masturbating. I guess girls just work differently. Cheers
  19. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    While first fap was my choice, the next three ones weren't. Chaser effect is a horrible thing. Let's remember to don't have sex anytime soon! At least fapping to pictures made me aware that there are millions of pretty girls to have. Cheers
  20. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Well, lots of weird things happened this week.

    On Monday some girl I knew since year ago (and I thought then I took her virginity, but I was one month too late) invited me to donate blood with her. I couldnt give it because it was too early since last donation, but she did. So I joked that she will be very easy to get drunk. And we got drunk. And fucked all night, hehe. She is taken by the way. We had a bit of the talk that her boyfriend is not treating her with respect, and she eased due to that. She could be a bit more slim, but she has lost much weight since I have seen her a year ago. I guess in another year she will be a real chick.
    Fucking all the night was quite fun, but I was stressed the next day because no condom was used (I can't use them yet), and she had her fertile days. Let's pray for "nothing".

    On Wednesday morning my girl friend called me to go to the classes (I often miss them, because they are too early for me) because she doesn't want to sit alone (she usually sits with her friend, but this time she will be absent). Let's name this calling girl Monica. She is taken, has a boyfriend for 4 years, but he is in another country since September. She has visited him during the Xmas. Very nice girl, I think I could totally be monogamous for her, and she is natural redhead too.
    Nevermind, later she said she awoke too late and will miss the classes. I made her promise to make up for that, prepare me some dinner dish I love. She kinda agreed, I will have to capitalize on it. She is taken, I feel bad for that, but she sometimes "feels" my mojo, when I abstain for a long time. I think if I really think it over I will lose my conscience and take her (but not before I am sure I want HER and will be good partner to her). I remember looking into her eyes deeply a year ago, she was uncomfortable with that, yet it probably caused her to go for a walk with me and help me find some place in a city.

    Well then there is Thursday, I got drunk and wrote to my ex. Oh it happens she is free now. But from angel of a girlfriend, someone who really was like an angel she turned to some slut. I guess she is like that (her "stories) to make me angry, because I can't imagine somoene pissing me off so much in so little time otherwise. Maybe I will get back to her if she stops her games, who knows. It's like she is telling me about her ex, that she had with him her first time in ever in bathroom. Is the bitch forgotting we had sex in the bathroom in the last August? What a bitch! Today, Saturday I met one girl who is very very sweetheart, she has just broken up with her boyfriend who was unfaithful. The weather was horrible but I had a pleasurable meeting with her, ending with a kiss.

    On the Saturday I got a little drunk and wanted to invite my booty call. She is real sweetheart, her pussy is very tight and it makes me orgasm every time, also she will do the bj unasked. I had meet with her two weeks ago and it was very loud night ;). But now she says (writes) that I only want pleasure, and she is kinda dating someone. Well, why would she say that I only want sex, if she doesn't want to be with me? Women are liars. So I have to forget about her.

    Well, this is kinda personal story (about my only true ex) but why I am writing this? Well, this IM chat with my ex (Isabelle) made me understood that all girls are demons. I can never trust them, I don't want them, I won't adore them, I will just get some sex then dump. Unless they show me (unlikely) they are good humans (women are no humans to me, they are animals). And I am not some asshole: all my life I was very kind for them. That's why I won't resort to fapping because it's pathetic submission to women. I also started good diet again, we'll see what will happen.

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