You know this is Flatline, don't you? That it's a more or less unavoidable (I say more or less because there may be rare cases of folks who don't experience it) unavoidable part of recovery? It can be hard because it seems to affect our motivation and mood as well, when the libido is dropped off like that. If you decide to get clean you probably just need to psychologically prepare yourself for Flatline, accept that it will likely come, off and on, for a period and resolve to sit through the discomfort. It will eventually pass but the only way is 'through', unfortunately. Addicts are addicted to hyper-stimulation so that when we abstain, it's inevitable that there will be a period where we lack joy or inspiration - our brain chemistry is all fucked up and it takes time to heal, to get to the point where we can take pleasure from 'normal' stimulus. Recovery is hard bloody work and not for the faint-hearted. If one is not fully commited to the process, esp to pushing through the discomfort, learning healthy ways to manage it, there's not much hope, imo. This is the choice you will have to make, or, you can decide to just stay on the roundabout. It's up to you, mate. That is a shit load of grief to have to deal with, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry to hear the counselling didn't help much, either. I wonder if you might need to process some of this stuff further? Maybe see a psychologist or try some other forms of therapy or counselling? Seeking help is not about you being 'crazy' or having anything inherently 'wrong' with you. Anyone would have a hard time dealing with this amount of trouble in their lives. With the background you mentioned, growing up around folks who didn't have much capacity or language around emotion... well... listen, that happened to me and I've had to admit that I know nothing about it. I have/had no capacity to process emotion, to express it clearly, to understand it. I've been seeking professional help for years, different therapists helping me to a point, then moving on. I feel no shame around that, I don't have a choice. It's a life long journey of learning to understand myself. If you've read around the journals perhaps you've noticed that abstinence is only a small part of getting clean and that most of us find we need to address the underlying issues. This forum is ostensibly about addiction but it ends up being about life because it's our experiences and how we've dealt with them (or not) that drives the addiction. It's great that you come here, even though you're using. If you're still not ready to try again I would say keep coming here and journaling, reading widely. You may decide that you'd rather not go to all the trouble, as I said, recovery is no picnic. It's all up to you, Bro. I recommend some deep soul searching and self-analysis. I get the feeling you might actually be depressed... maybe look into that? There's no shame and it doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you, like I said. Miscarriages, suicide, cancer all of that shit adds up! I send you posi-vibes, mate.