time to kick

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by newleaf63, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    hello all

    I've been here before and i hope this time i'll kick this disease once and for all.
    yesterday my wife found my d*ck photos on my email. I've become addicted to porn again after been clear of it.
    tonight she'll want to talk about them. i have decided to come clean and let her know what a sad individual i have become and how porn has once again infected my life.

    this forum has helped me loads in the past. and i hope it will help again.

    i hope to be of help to others.
  2. Ben

    Ben New Member

    Welcome back Newleaf. Porn addiction makes us do some crazy stuff, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be like this. I hope you'll find that sharing here, and with your wife helps take away its power.
  3. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Newleaf hopping that you are here for real change and that your wife handles the situation in a rational way. You messed up and it's time to change. Those who come here for relief probably get relief but no change. Those who want real change get it eventually.
  4. resilientwolf

    resilientwolf Member

    Welcome back good sir. I'm posting for the first time out of my age group (20-24), I felt like I should click on yours specifically. This is something we can all be united with you on, and we're all here for you. You can remain free of this, if you did it before you can certainly do it again. Praying for your time coming clean to your wife. When I told my girlfriend the layers of how this was all affecting me it really hurt her but knowing the truth and telling the whole truth sets you free. I hope to see you add a timer and set a goal for yourself and achieve it and more!
  5. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    I hope your conversation goes well and you get the support you need. I hope you can set up a plan to beat this thing for good. We are here for you, walking the same road.
  6. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    thank you for all your support. i'd forgotten how much you get back here.

    for me this porn thing is all about feeling bad about yourself and really its self-harming. i, like i guess a lot of you in this age group have had many kicks in our stomachs these last few years. my father died about 7 years ago mother just over year ago, an old girlfriend committed suicide 2 years ago and my wife has miscarried 3 times. i point these things out because they are all triggers for depression and thats what really drove me back into the arms of online pornography. is it because its so readily available? i don't think so, i think those of us who find ourselves addicted would be no matter how easy or difficult it would be to find. i guess some uneasiness comes with how quickly we could relapse. a few different letters typed into the url bar and we are away again.

    i went for a walk this morning, its something i used to do often rather than jumping in the car. when the porn addiction takes hold really we don't want to waste time doing the "mundane" things, we want to get back and dive back in. its funny how the "mundane" things really aren't. our mind is consumed by the banality of watching rather than being, existing and doing.

    my wife brought up the subject of my photos last night. and i told her the painful truth. my previous time on here was spent prevaricating on whether or not i should tell her, in the end i just couldn't find the words to enable me too.
    im glad to say my wife was much more understanding and forgiving than i ever imagined. all day yesterday i felt sick to my stomach with what was on the horizon and i don't ever want to feel that way again.

    today is my 4th day free of watching and wanking and i feel a little more positive. in time i'll get round to starting to read and understand other threads on here. for now I'm trying not to spend too much time on the computer.

    thanks again, we are all on the road and may we all continue to tread, one step after another towards a more positive outlook.

    bless you all
  7. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member


    your post reads to me as a familiar story. My head nodding yep, that is me.
    I felt relief that your wife is understanding.
    Your next round of healing is underway. :)
  8. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Brother, glad to hear your wife did not go berserk.
  9. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Yes the small things when done with awareness really make a big difference.
  10. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    day 6 and feeling positive.

    went out photographing yesterday, seems so long ago that i last picked up my camera.
    spending time photographing and walking rather than in front of this computer screen.

    its good to see friends from a few years ago still posting and walking the walk and new people too who are trying to find their own way out of the fog. old memories of the more positive me are helping me to be resolute in turning my back on the negative me.

    coming back it seems really that this path we find ourselves on isn't really about kicking habits it really about fundamentally changing ourselves. it is the wrong way round to think we are not allowing ourselves to succumb, denying ourselves some hit or other. what this and other addictions are truly about is altering the negativity we hold ourselves in. if we allow ourselves to be negative in our manner then we will behave negatively.

    walked to meet a friend this morning, id become used to leaving it to the last minute and jumping in the car. exercise can be so rewarding mentally. we deny ourselves thinking time so much these days.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup! Negativity breeds the same. Turning our lives in a positive direction allows the negative dominoes to start falling away. There's a real positive feeling in your journal. Keep those vibes coming.

    Walking is awesome. It is, without a doubt, my favorite kind of exercise and meditation.
  12. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    thanks saville.

    day 7 and feeling a little lower but i have enough experience to know

    a) these feelings won't last long

    b) its all part of the healing process, this journey is a roller coaster and its fine to feel anyway you do.

    went the long way round to the shops this morning through the park, even though i didn't feel like doing so. just told myself its important to have a little walk every day.

    being on this journey is so rewarding. the feelings (up to last week) of despising myself are diminishing and I'm a little proud that its almost a week since i last let myself down.
    have been reading a few journals and its refreshing just how different our journeys are but one thing that grabs me is just how being without porn in our lives renews our sense of positivity. the guilt of time wasted, hopes unfulfilled and just how ill wanking in front of a computer makes us is there for us all to see. its not that i even think of going back to those old days, I'm enjoying the thought of just what is possible when we turn the corner and leave our old ways behind.

    whilst writing above an image of the 3 or wands in a tarot pack came into my head. its not that i believe in the tarot, its something i have used (very infrequently) in my past. for some reason it just popped into my thoughts. i have just looked up its meaning and i'll leave you with its definition...

    "On the Three of Wands, we see a figure standing on a cliff looking out over the sea to distant mountains. From this
    height, he sees all that lies ahead. This is a card of vision and foresight. When we want to see farther, we climb higher.
    By going up, we increase our range and remove ourselves from the immediate situation. We detach and gain

    In readings, the Three of Wands can tell you to take the long view. Don't react to the heat of the moment, but step back
    and reconsider. See how the present fits into the greater picture. This card asks you to be a visionary - to dream beyond
    current limitations. It can indicate premonitions or other intuitions about what is to come.

    The Three of Wands is also a card of exploration. Compare this figure to the Fool who is also on a cliff edge. The Fool
    steps out in innocence, not realizing he is going to fall to his fate. The adventurer on the Three of Wands is also willing
    to step out, but with full awareness of what he is doing. His courage is more informed, if less spontaneous. The Three of
    Wands encourages you to move fearlessly into new areas. Let the ships on your horizon take you far out into unknown

    i need to trust my intuition more. i wish you all another great day in this paradise.
  13. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    whats been on my mind since returning here this week is wether to say what my username was last time i was on here or keep it quiet. like many of the questions we pose for ourselves there is never a right or wrong answer.
    I've spent this afternoon reading my last thread and it shook me just how positive i was and just how negative the ending was. my last post was on 25th February 2014.

    strangely, though i didn't mention it at the time this coincided with the suicide of a long term old girlfriend of mine. for a long time since i have felt more than a little guilty, as quite a number of her friends and family did. i guess we all think we may have contributed and we all think that we could have made a difference and stopped her from doing what she did.

    of course the truth is, we probably couldn't have done a thing to change her mind.

    since then my mother has passed away and, as i expected, my brothers and i are gently drifting our separate ways. at times i feel quite alone, my father was a bit of a loner and to be positive i am not averse to spending time on my own.

    at times since my previous existence on this board the porn habit has returned, not in a greater way but in a similar way. reading through my journal i was struck by how positive i was without porn and just what a change in personality it brought about. i had totally forgotten just how enriched life could be without the feelings of loathing which go hand in hand with our porn usage.

    anyway to cut a long story short. in my previous times here my username was colimpool. for some that will mean little, for others it will hopefully bring a smile to your faces. I'm still the same person flaws and all. I'm heartily sick of feeling sorry for myself, feeling inadequate and feeling like a loser. just by being here, reading and typing means we aren't losers. it means we are trying to find our path out of the wilderness that for too long has held us back.

    by resolving to lead our lives without porn we aren't giving up anything we are merely choosing to live our lives to the full. its great to be back. i look forward to helping and being helped. non of us can do this alone.

    have a great weekend. rest assured, we are on the path to betterment.
  14. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    When I first joined this forum under the name Nofapado you colimpool encouraged me, I made my first post then deleted it, you saw the post and that I deleted it and you sent me an encouraging private message pulling me back in. After a go run or two of about 84 days I deleted my account two more time (3 total, was here once before under a different name). Finally after several years I am in recovery. In my past reboots I just wanted to get to 90 days. Now it's a life plan of recovery. Thanks buddy for your encouragement and welcome back!
  15. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    thank you for the reminder nofap and for your kind words of encouragement.

    not too much to report, day 10 porn and m free. very lacking in libido.

    had an appointment from hell with a dental specialist on saturday, seems i need much work to be done have been referred to a gum specialist. you know as well as i, we can make 2 choices. we can continue to wallow in our old self's unhealthy ways or we can choose a new path and find new more meaningful adventures. im glad i decided to return here and im glad to be turning my back on my old destructive behaviors.

    hang on in there baby
  16. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    another day in paradise, day 11

    im feeling confident about this return. in previous attempts as i have stated here and other journals, there was a sense of me denying myself. i dont feel that at all since coming back here. it seems quite obvious to me that by thinking we are refusing ourselves the chance to pmo we are really forcing ourselves, when something bad, sad or worrying happens to us, to allow ourselves a "treat".

    i really feel that ive turned a corner, sure i could, with a few letters be right back to where i have been for far too long but i can't bear the thought of feeling shit about myself anymore. thats really the trouble. for the few moments of pleasure we can give ourselves comes a lifetime of pain. a lifetime of hurt. a lifetime of negativity.

    yes, ive been here before, ive nearly completed 100 days pmo free in the past. but the positivity i have felt in myself these last days have really changed my outlook.

    ive had some personal setbacks in the time ive been back here but ive never, for a minute, thought returning to pmo-ing would help in any way at all.

    this time also, im on this road for myself.

    my wife i away for a while. i plan to use the time productively. i have started another thread called inspiration. when i was here as colimpool its something i did then. of course its pages away form this window and under another name. i wanted to create a new inspiration page. really its just for me. i dont expect the things which inspire me to inspire anyone else, much like my art. i do it for myself. when my art does resonate then that is a wonderful thing. but it is as far as hell away from why i choose to apply the paint.

    im so glad i came back, im slowly catching up with other journals, its truly inspirational reading how this journey can have such a profoundly positive effect.
  17. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    Day 12

    Spent a lovely day among friends drinking whiskey, getting stoned and disgussing art. Onwards and upwards. Feeling stronger and happier with myself every fay.

    I wish you all a happy sunny day
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Hey there,

    I was saddened to hear about your friends suicide, newleaf. That's hard work. Big loves to you and to her friends and family. :(

    You're dead right about us not missing out on anything! There's nothing to 'give up', only just a dreaded curse to break-free from. PMO took away far more than it ever gave us: that momentary respite, which is worthless when all it ultimately does is aggravate our condition.

    You know all this.

    Good to see you back and feeling mostly positive.

    I look fwd to havin' a squiz at yr Inspiration thread. I'm almost certain that some of it will resonate.

    You haven't posted here for a few days... I hope you're truckin' along okay.

    Billy B.
  19. newleaf63

    newleaf63 Active Member

    day 3

    well i failed.
    wife was away for a couple of weeks and i couldnt resist. im sad to read above re my positivity.
    makes me feel a fraud.

    oh well back again on the wagon and on day 3 without the addiction.
    hope to be rid of the hell sometime.
  20. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Hi Newleaf63

    Sorry to hear you had a slip. The important thing is you're still here. Your language in your most recent post sounds really negative (reminds me of myself). The thing is, just 'hoping to be rid of this hell' isn't going to get us anywhere. We have to take 100% responsibility for everything that has happened to us and more importantly accept that we are 100% responsible for the choices we make. It's up to us. So do you have any kind of strategy or recovery plan in place at the moment?

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