Time to heal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by forlorn, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Phew, shaky couple of days. I've been avoiding this place and almost slipping back into old habits. Bit ashamed to tell you but I glanced at some content I shouldn't have looked at. Need to remember that this peeking is hurting me. I've come so far, why self sabotage my progress like this? I didn't PMO but am disappointed in myself for the slip. I need to do this for myself but am also relying on you guys to help keep me on the right path.
     
  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You didnt pmo! I feel that with every slip a lesson is learned! You are gonna be ok. Noone judges you here.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Like Bobo said, drop the disappointment. :) We've all done too much of that in our lives. Great job!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I agree. Many times when I have time off and feel aimless just starting to do something is so helpful. Even if it's just watering the plants or washing some windows it starts the ball rolling
     
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Sorry to disappoint but I'm in the middle of a binge of sorts. I've been on a dopamine drip-feeding frenzy for over 48 hours. I haven't watched any tube sites or hard core P. But I have engaged in frequent erotic chat and paid for services which brings my clean streak of 88 days to an abrupt end. This time PMO was involved. It has left me feeling weak and deflated. My dick hurts and so does my bank balance. I could point to a number of reasons why this slip occurred. Ultimately it's all excuses but I'll document anyway to remind my future self.

    1) Struggling financially (not earning enough)
    2) boredom
    3) Twitter
    4) dealing with a life threatening incident that occurred a few days ago involving a loved one
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    There will always be a reason to repeat over and over. You must just do the best you can and move on. Need to drop the blame and to use a word " stick-to-it -ness!" Eventually you will succeed but you must keep going even when you dont want to. We all know how discouraging it can be at times.
     
    forlorn likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Been there recently. It sucks to relapse after such long time. We should learn to deal with uncomfortable situations in a healthy way. Never give up!
     
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  8. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    All in all my binge lasted around 5 days. It was more intense than previous times. This morning I brought it to an end and afterwards I felt a sense of loss and confusion. It has almost felt like there were too many hours in the day and I haven't known what do do with myself.

    Earlier I looked out my window and caught a glimpse of my next door neighbour, a GP (Doctor) standing in his garden. He was unaware of my presence as he was smoking a cigarette and staring at a screen. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help to look to see what he was watching. I observed for a minute or so and saw he was watching porn. I don't know why it surprised me but it did.

    Thanks for the encouragement. You're right, I need to pick myself up and keep fighting.
     
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It affects us all. It is too bad it is such a taboo. If this was something we could just talk about with our neighbours we'd overcome the addiction instantly. Maybe one day we'll see him here on the board ;)
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Watching P is an escape as much as an addiction. We are used to sabotaging ourselves and PMO and MO is how we do it. Every day we give in to PMO is a lost chance. Eventually we run out of chances.
     
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  11. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    I've self sabotaged so many times. It's not even about the tube sites for me. While I have flicked through in search of the 'perfect' video, my sexually compulsive behaviour is often carried out in plain sight via more subtle means such as private messaging on Twitter. The bad thing about this is it can be done anywhere at any time. The content of those chats combined with the secrecy and risk creates an exhilarating rush of dopamine.

    Wise words Saville.

    It's time for me to slowly rebuild and apply the principles that served me well during my past two reboots.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    The early part of a reboot is always the hardest for me. I haven't got any real momentum going and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the disappointment of the past few weeks. But I am back here, ready to have another go. I need to get off the dopamine and deal with the chemical withdrawal.

    I need to revisit the process of strengthening my commitment to recover through hourly reminders of the 4 main benefits of me quitting P.

    1) Self respect - as each hour and each day pass my self respect will grow. I will continue with little acts of self care whether it be taking time for self, dressing better, sleeping well, eating healthily, working out, drinking less booze.
    2) Peace of mind - this is priceless. Feelings of anxiety will be reduced and I will feel at ease with myself and the world in general.
    3) Fulfil potential - freedom from P will give me the time and opportunity to grow, learn and do things that are beneficial, creative, fulfilling and enjoyable
    4) Improved relationship - the shame will slip away and I'll be more present in the relationship
     
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  13. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Early part if reboot is the hardest part for everyone. A new road and the " addict" has a vested interest in your not being successfully.
    Bingo!
    There it is !
     
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    So true. The addict part of the brain has been telling me "well you fucked up already so may as well continue down this path".

    Following on from yesterday's list I will build automated disapproval about the costs and negative consequences of continuing to act out and will reflect on this daily. The idea is to use these negative consequences as motivation to change for good. The negative impacts are:

    1) Loss of self respect - when I act out, the behaviour spills over into other areas of my life. Everything suffers
    2) Loss of money - this addiction is costing me hundreds per year, thousands over the course of a few years
    3) Increased anxiety - I noticed this in so many ways while I was 'in the zone'. I was restless, I drank more alcohol, my work and relationship suffered, I felt on edge all the time
    4) Inability to perform sexually - by acclimatising myself to P and high doses of dopamine my brain is becoming desensitised to normal sex
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  15. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    This is what my brain tells me before every relapse. Another version: "One more time won't change anything ugh? You're stressed, just a quick and good PMO session and you'll be relieved"
    Good job @forlorn stay strong!
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Thanks Outsider. Fortunately the last few days have been better and my previous despair has turned into positivity.

    I was talking to an extended family member the other day and just being around him has inspired me to do better. I was impressed by his focus, determination and desire for personal improvement.
     
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  17. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Started getting up a little earlier every day as I'm trying to introduce meditation into my routine. It feels good to bring some stillness to the mind before it gets flooded with thoughts. At that time of day everything is quiet and there are fewer distractions.

    Had a clear out in my house, getting rid of crap I don't need and reorganising other things neatly in my home. It felt therapeutic.
     
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  18. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    I can sense my interest in everyday things returning once more. I've started getting back into reading and I'm listening to new music on Amazon Prime. Gym workouts are consistent and I'm working on building good habits into my routine.

    I was listening to a podcast the other day on which the host asked an author/entrepreneur (Daniel Gilbert) to define success. He came out with a few points, some business/some personal - I found the following suggestions to be useful.

    1) Mastering yourself, your mind and your actions
    2) Managing your state, emotional reactions and actions
    3) Having the ability to see things from the viewpoint of others
    4) Having the ability to focus and practice what you learn

    I'm also reminding myself that I am fully responsible for the outcome of my life. Everything that has happened up until this point, I have created. The results I am producing are based on my thoughts and actions.
     
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    To other people I present the image of a happily married man in his early 40's who lives in a good area and seems to be in control of his life. Yet none of those people know the depths of my personal struggle. My last two relapses hit me hard. Harder than ever before. It's almost as if I thought to myself, my PMO days are under threat or coming to an end so I deserve to plummet one last time spectacularly into the depths of depravity. And boy did I. It was more intense than ever. But I cannot stay in that place any longer. I need to try and find self forgiveness. These behaviours don't define me.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    I could have written exactly the same tho g myself, but just add 4 kids :p
     

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