Time to heal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by forlorn, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Member

    Got a muscular injury at the moment so am feeling frustrated, especially since I have been making good gains at the gym lately. I'm an active guy but this injury means I have to sit at home all day and rest. As I lay awake with the pain last night, I was briefly tempted to fantasise in order to lift my mood, but I resisted and eventually sleep came. I've started reading a book called Portrait of an addict as a young man, it's a biographical account of drug addiction. Seems like a good read so far, I can relate to some of the stuff he writes about and it feels good to be reading again.
     
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I know the frustration of not being able to work out. Hope you can find another healthy outlet.....
     
  3. forlorn

    forlorn Member

    There's a great post on YBR from 'The Underdog' who says that people on the forum are focusing on the wrong things. In the post, he says:

    They are not changing the way they think.
    They are not changing the way they live.
    They are not changing the way they view sex and women.
    They are just trying not to masturbate, while everything else remains the same.
    That, my friends, is abstinence, not recovery.

    With that in mind, I realise I need to step things up and try to change the way I think and behave. It may be difficult and time consuming but it's a fundamental part of recovery and self improvement. Continuing my work on the theme of loneliness and rejection I will highlight a few more areas in my life that I aim to focus on improving. I'll paste a few statements below which I aim to reflect on over the coming weeks.

    Notice when you are seeking approval of your self-worth – make your own positive judgements about yourself such as ‘Yes I do look good’ or ‘Yes I can make the right decision’.

    Notice times when you feel sensitive to rejection and disapproval and challenge these feelings by looking at the evidence – is it really that personal or are there other quite legitimate reasons why someone might appear rejecting?

    Be mindful of when you are seeking reassurance of others’/partners’ love and availability for you such as ‘Do you love me?’ and look for evidence in what they do, what they say, and how they attend to you to answer this yourself.

    If you are providing a lot of care-giving to others this might be a strategy to try and get external affirmations to fill the gap where self-affirmations should be. Review your approach to helping others and get it in balance and appropriate so that you focus on self-care.

    If you feel that you communicate often with others but find that they seem not to be listening then reflect on what you are saying – is it demanding, clingy, intense or jealous insecurity? If so try and reign in your pursuing and demanding behaviours and consider others needs too.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019 at 12:26 PM
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Funny that you mentioned The Underdogs post. I too read it again today for the first time in months. He definitely had some really good things to say.

    Good to see that you are trying to change things even though you are on a good streak. I guess many people (myself included in the past) get overconfident after a few weeks of abstaining and then a relapse comes out of nowhere.
     
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Member

    Agree, that post serves as a good reminder. One of the most crucial things he said is that "addiction is not the cause of your shitty life - addiction is the symptom". He got this idea from Recovery Nation. I'll post the full text below from RN. I think this paragraph is amazingly insightful.

    Addiction is not keeping you from living a healthy life. It is not the reason that you are struggling. Even the consequences of your addiction are not the reason that you are struggling...though it is easy to perceive them as such. No, your addiction and its consequences are merely symptoms; the reason you are struggling is because you have yet to learn how to manage your life in a healthy way. It has been your life skill deficiencies that have fueled the 'shortcuts' you have taken to manage your emotions. Shortcuts that provide immediate emotional stimulation (which is good); but to the detriment of your long-term health (which is cumulatively very, very bad). When these shortcuts become ingrained as your primary emotional management strategy, you can consider yourself as having an addiction. But note: it was not the addiction that triggered the life crisis...it was the lack of healthy life management skills that triggered the addiction. It is vital that you understand this, because without such a realization...you are voluntarily choosing to stick your head in the sand and thus, remain powerless to actually manage your life.

    That's happened to me too, it's easy to get complacent. I'm 42 years of age and have been struggling with compulsive behaviour for years. In some ways, the addictive behaviour comforted and protected me, yet it's also had devastating consequences on the quality of my life which is why I am aiming to change the way I think, behave and live.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.

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