Time to heal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by forlorn, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Boxer17

    You're right, I ought to focus on continuing to build good habits instead of being overly self critical.

    I mentioned in a previous post that I sometimes feel as if I am not using time productively. I play these "when then" games in my head, e.g. "when XYZ happens, then my life will be better". I need to learn how to be content in the moment rather than dwelling on the future. Over the coming days I will focus on what I can do to start enjoying the days rather than wishing them away.
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah, this is a biggie. Important realization.

    This has really helped me. Being content with the little things. Today I fixed a dresser drawer that has been wonky for 6 months and that made me feel good...it's just that simple. :)
  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Yes, even when completing a simple task, it helps to give it your full attention and to be in the moment. I've done a bit of reading over the last few days about how to become happier and start enjoying life and a lot of it leads back to the same thing - mindfulness, i.e. being fully aware of, and living in the present moment. It's a hard skill to master because our minds are always wondering, dwelling on the past or thinking about the future. So the challenge I'm setting myself this week is to practice mindfulness, to pay attention to feelings, sights, smells, taste, sounds and to give my full attention to whatever I'm doing at the time. Instead of wishing away the hours I will focus on trying to enjoy my time whether it be through creative work/play or learning and bettering myself. As daft as it sounds, up until a few days ago I would struggle to remember the exact date if someone asked me. That's because I was drifting through the days without appreciating time.

    Another way of becoming happier is to accept ourselves for who we are. Spent the weekend with some friends and while we were looking back at some old photographs when a friend and his wife both remarked how I have aged. They kind of singled me out from the group and I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. Similarly I was in a pub a year ago with my father and the woman at the bar asked if we were brothers. I sometimes wonder if the stress of the secretive PMO lifestyle has led me to age prematurely. But there's nothing I can do about it now. I cannot recapture my youth and must accept the fact my hair is receding.
    -Luke- likes this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm bald, fat, and was never good looking...at least that's my estimation of myself. :) When I began to lose my hair my wife would often comment "too bad you're losing your hair, it makes you look older." Thanks, cunt! :mad: Let's face it, anyone who tells us to our face that we've aged is a fucking loser. Your friend and his wife are not nice people. They are people who need to put others down so that they can feel good themselves. The world is absolutely filled with knuckle heads, bitches, and bastards who think they have the right to talk about another person body and face.

    PMO does create stress. When we are hiding something, unless we don't have a conscience, then it is going to show on our faces. Obviously you look much younger than your father, though. The woman was probably trying to make your dad feel good. And, even if she wasn't, she's just a stupid cunt.

    I smile a lot now. People smile back at me because a smile is contagious. :) Smiling is an amazing way to feel and look better. So, to the world (that apparently hasn't got the memo that beauty is inside): Go fuck yourself! :cool:
    Libertad likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I also had people telling me that I look way older than I really am. And while that hurts and while I would never say something like that to another person I have to admit that this is right. I guess - like you said - the addiction and withdrawals are just a lot of stress to the body. Bad sleep doesn't help either.

    But you said it right: to accept ourselves for who we are

    And I totally agree with Saville about the smiling. You smile when you're happy but it's the other way around as well. And other people will like it, too. It feels good when someone smiles at you.
    Libertad likes this.
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    No need to sugarcoat it Saville, just tell it how it is :) LOL.

    Yep, it sure does hurt. Being in the clutches of PMO addiction is pretty stressful. It creates so much inner conflict when we keep on doing something despite knowing it has negative consequences. Then there's the sneaking around, the secrecy, the multiple fake accounts, the covering of tracks etc - all that stuff takes its toll on us emotionally and physically.
    Saville likes this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bwahahahaha! :D

    OMG, does it ever! I remember slamming the lid of my laptop down to hide what I was looking at or who I was talking to. It's so lame and obvious now that I look back. Luckily, I can look back now without shame. :)
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Tough couple of days. I have to come clean and confess I did look at some adult content on a couple of occasions recently. While no PMO occurred I did browse some adult profiles. Under these circumstances I'm wondering if I should rest my counter from 75 days back to 1 day.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Progress, not perfection. I honestly think you're fine. I wouldn't reset if it was me.
  10. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yup, I concur --- moving foward!
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Thanks Saville & Bobo. On some level I was hoping you would say it's a relapse and I need to reset my counter. Then I would have felt sorry for myself and most likely binged on P (if you're going to fuck up, you may as well do it spectacularly, right?). I was trying to rationalise the behaviour.

    However, I think you are right. I had a wobble but it wasn't a full blown relapse and as you say "progress, not perfection". Thanks for helping to keep me on the right path.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's what this place for, brother! :)
    forlorn likes this.
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Lately my recovery efforts haven't been as focused as they were in the early days. I'm currently in a phase of 'passive' recovery where I'm not acting out but I'm not doing anything particularly beneficial either. I could for instance be doing some important personal development work and exercises that have been set by my therapist but I'm procrastinating. At the moment it feels like I'm trying to keep my head above water dealing with general life stuff.

    It's been useful coming here to write things down, even if just to make a brief post. Doing so, keeps me on the right track and strengthens my motivation. I'm going to take my recent inactivity as a wake up call. I will see through this busy spell and then get my recovery focus back. Have a great week everyone.
  14. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Good to hear from you. Keep in touch!
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    But that sounds very positive actually. Things always come with cycles. Takes it as it comes and the motivation to more actively develop different aspects will return for sure.
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Thanks for checking in on me guys. That is true, things do occur in cycles and I'm sure I'll return to a phase of active recovery soon.

    Something weird happened yesterday. An aunt of mine sent me a photo of myself that she found (in which I'm aged about 18). Just looking at the photo of my younger self caused me to blink uncontrollably (like a nervous tic). It IS a bad photo, terrible hair, a weird expression, awful fashion. I look shifty and uncomfortable. The rapid blinking thing is something I used to do a hell of lot when I was younger. I suspect it may have been linked to nervousness, shame and a sense of self dissatisfaction. Nowadays it rarely happens to that extent (maybe once every 6 months). But it's odd that looking back at a photo of myself could trigger that kind of response.

    The wife is still asleep, she likes her long lie ins at weekends whereas I prefer to get up early. I'm going to be as productive as possible today, time to log off and get working on some DIY/household stuff. Have a great weekend all.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Photos represent the young guy who failed. Or, the young guy who had so much potential. You're a bit hard on yourself about the photo. You're aunt just sent it because she was feeling nostalgic - at least that's my bet.

    I've always hated having my picture taken. I'm not the least bit photogenic, but I have other qualities...like being able to keep people stranded on a teeter totter. :D
    A New Man likes this.
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Disappointed to admit that after 88 days clean I am having to reset my counter.

    The wife was out of town for a few days, I had the place to myself and ended up relapsing. The rush was as intoxicating as ever. The negative feelings that follow haven't really hit me yet, but I'm sure they're just around the corner. I'm going to try not wallow in self pity. The best thing I can do is to try learn from this mistake. I previously read a quote on this board that said "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know". I was poorly prepared. I didn't plan for a situation in which I'd have to spend multiple days home alone. And my motivation had weakened over the last few weeks, it was evident in my posts. I took my eye off the ball.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, the old eyeballs glazing over.

    But, you're doing great! You have exactly the right attitude. We pick ourselves up, over and over again until recovery sticks. Keep posting!
  20. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    That sucks @forlorn
    I joined the board, got back on track with another reboot and then found myself in a similar situation. What you said about the negative feelings not quite following really hit me. So, I came here, laid out my intentions, felt good about it, and then used. The typical frustration and anger I would feel after using wasn't there. I was numb. I stayed numb until I got another chance to use. I think this is a lesson that I haven't quite committed to memory, despite trying-- secrecy is part of my PMO habit. It's intoxicating to wonder if I can MO in the time that the spouse takes the recycling out. Of course, I can't, but now I've entertained the thought, I'll lay awake in the evening and eventually get up while everyone is sleeping and find some P.

    A counselor I talked to told me to look up "ego fatigue," which may be something that will interest you. We can only tell ourselves "no" so many times before we as addicts start to crumble. I'm not making an excuse for either of us. I'm just saying you did the work, as you say, you didn't plan for the situation, and you used. That's in the past, nothing we can do about it now. Be present and do your best today. And, thanks for sharing what happened here. It really helps remind me that I'm human and not alone.
    Saville likes this.

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