@Saville yep, it's a close friend of both of ours who has recently had a baby. Now she wants to build her fitness up, hence the bike rides. When I'm in these non-porn phases my mood is more stable. I don't experience the intense highs and lows that come with acting out behaviours. This is a much better place to be. I'm waiting on the outcome of some career related news following an interview. Am hopeful that things will go well, but if I get rejected I will be pretty devastated. Note to future self, if things don't work out, it's not the end of the world. Keep going with the self-regulation, no matter what happens I will handle it.
good for you my brother. healthy social connections is the key. this addiction wants first to isolate me, then it will kill me.
Coming back to post here after a 5-day long p binge. It’s a long while since I’ve done that. I think it started on the back of a night out where I insulted two dear friends whilst drunk. As soon as I said it, I knew it was inappropriate and offensive to them. Even though they seemed to take it well, I haven’t got over the guilt of it. Been beating myself up about it ever since. Also made a blunder at work today. Basically I did something in good faith but failed to follow a certain a process - it could land me in a lot of bother. Mental health feels like it has taken a nosedive. This is a low but I need to get it together. I can’t figure out if I am catastrophizing. As a side note, something I’ve observed is that whenever I’m in a state of looking at P, on those days I never listen to music.
Still in a fragile state following the recent binge. Fragile in the sense that my 'emotional immune system' feels weak and that I could respond to triggers very easily ("hey, you've already binged on P for a week, what harm will another day do?"). I'm now starting to feel that dopamine crash. And I feel on edge about the mistake I made at work and how it could come back to bite me. But what I know from past experience is that the longer I stay away from P, the weaker the cravings become - I need to get back to that place. That place where I feel good about my choices, where I can hold my head up high, where I'm not consumed by shame, where I feel fulfilled by ordinary experiences such as listening to music.
This is very well said. And we have all been there after a binge level relapse. It’s so important to understand how much better you will ultimately feel by staying clean. And that focusing on staying clean one day at a time is the key to fighting the addiction. Forlorn - you know how much better you will feel with each additional day clean. Hopefully today is the beginning of a new long clean streak.
Hi forlorn. What an interesting observation. I can identify with that. I guess we get totally focused on that and let the rest of things fade into oblivion. But I have also noticed that after a faceplant then I will eat bad food and listen to the hardest music that I can stand, stuff I normally wouldn't listen to. It's almost like we say to ourselves "Oh well I'm here in the mud I might as well splash around for a while". Then we slowly pick ourselves up, clean ourselves off so to speak, and get back to the battle.
