Time to heal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by forlorn, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your comments and support folks. You’ve inspired me to stick around and to keep working on behaviour change/personal development.

    During my absence from the site, I had a pretty chaotic 5 or 6 weeks. I pretty much checked out from reality, I even stopped following current affairs and for weeks on end I masked my emotions with porn.
    I’m still trying to mentally unpack what occurred to lead me down such a self destructive path. Despite the negative tone of my recent posts, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom. In-between all the chaos I somehow managed to land a job with my dream employer. So in some ways this feels like a fresh start. I recently de-cluttered my surroundings, in particular my home office space. Now I need to do a similar thing with my mind - to get back to a stable place, to re-set boundaries and stay away from the hell of PMO.
     
  2. realness

    realness Active Member

    Very happy to read this update @forlorn . Of course, it's always good to read no matter how things are going because I like to be on this journey with you. Congratulations on your new job! And awesome work in decluttering your physical surroundings. This was rewarding I'm sure and sets you up to address your boundaries and mental health. Pair that up with action! It's a great time of year to pair mental health with a walk, a bike ride, a hike....
     
  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Thanks @realness the new role has provided some structure in my life and crucially I now feel as if I'm doing something meaningful with my time.

    The last two weeks have been better.
    Yesterday my wife was out. Quite often in the past my distorted thinking has seen this as a window of opportunity for watching pornography. Buoyed by my recent change in circumstances I was able to stay away. Of course I can't rely on this forever. The urges remain under the surface, I need to stay vigilant and make healthy choices consistently. I have to change not just what I do, but also how I see myself.

    I'm working on trying to listen to my inner voice. The one that tells me I'm not good enough and incapable / unworthy of having an intimate relationship. So much of this stuff is rooted in our past, mechanisms we learned during our formative years. I heard a powerful quote the other day that said "if you don't address what's going on mentally and emotionally, at best you're just making the window dressing look good, while the back of the shop is on fire".
     
  4. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hi Forlorn,
    Good to hear about the positive steps your making. Great quote too. The back of my shop is definitely ablaze but your example is helping. Thank you. Best,
    Old Tom
     
  5. realness

    realness Active Member

    Fantastic @forlorn ! Interesting thought on listening to your inner voice. I am finding that distance from PMO changes my inner voice from something destructive and untrue, to something more encouraging and positive. Although my inner voice and sub conscience are changeable things that are not reliable at all. I have to expose myself to wisdom here at YBO and have meaningful interactions with a few trusted people to make progress. It's so much work, work, work..... but it pays pays pays!!
     
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    forlorn, it's telling that so many of us here have feelings of inadequacy that fuel our habit. But feeling inadequate is itself a habit. I think it's natural when we're teens going through so many changes to feel that way. And so unfortunate that as we grow up, we keep so many of those feelings tight to our psyches, when truly growing up should involve leaving those thoughts behind. But that's obviously not easy. I hope you know in your heart of hearts that you are totally deserving of all the happiness this life has to offer. We're in the old farts' group here, so if ever there was a time to truly believe that and make believing it our new habit, it's NOW.
     
    forlorn, Saville and -Luke- like this.
  7. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    We have both in us, the voice and opinion conditioned by our circumstances and childhood and the other voice of a healthy human being who would never doubt his worth. This view, that we have an option to who we listen to, the addict mind or the halthy mind, can give us a lot of power back to make the right choice in the moment of doubt.
    All the best.
     
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It’s been a mixed few days. I had a relapse despite the fact I’ve generally been in a pretty good head space. I’m writing down what occurred so I can learn from it.

    On Sunday I was out drinking and didn’t get a very good sleep that night. The following day I had a meeting with my boss in which I felt my performance was poor. I was later triggered by the image of a woman in an online advert for holidays (vacations) abroad. This led to me repeating behaviours I’ve done many times in the past - succumbing to findom, something which I thought I had eradicated earlier in the year.

    After the relapse as I reflected on the details of the fetishes I’m indulging in, I think I can trace it to a couple of specific incidents from my childhood. Situations in my school days where I felt weak, insignificant and humiliated. This is purely conjecture but it’s interesting to make a connection, however tenuous it may be. It is possible that I’m replaying those scenarios because mentally I wasn’t able to accept what happened at the time.

    Nevertheless I’m continuing to listen to my inner voice. Although I was disappointed by this slip, I reminded myself that I’m human. Instead of getting angry, I’m trying to come from a place of compassion and love. It’s time to tackle the fire at the back of the shop.

    Thanks for all your comments guys. It means a lot and I will catch up with your journals soon.
     
  9. badger

    badger Active Member

    hang in there my brother. as for me, i'm not addicted, i'm running away from pain. today i'm using porn. used to be booze. from whatever or wherever the pain came from. when i face my pain, my addiction disappears.
     
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Great observation. I noticed the same for my behaviour.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.

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