Time to heal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by forlorn, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    Forlorn my brother,
    I do the cold showers. supposedly it increases testosterone. i don't know how factual that is. i do it because it's regulated stress. called hormesis. a little stress helps your immune system. i don't know if this is bro science. but the main reason i do it is because i don't want to do it. it is cold and uncomfortable. if i do it early in the morning, i figure it helps if something uncomfortable or something that i don't want to do but have to comes along in my daily routine. i have already put up with the hard part-cold showers. especially in the wintertime. not perfect. i don't always do it. sometimes i take the easy comfortable warm shower. i need to be reminded that i live a very comfortable life that is literally killing me. i.e. good, warm, sweet food-sugar. salty fat laden french fries. high sugar drinks. nice warm bed indoors. etc. etc. again just my 2 cents worth.
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Cold showers can be very good. I take my usual shower and then at the end of it slowly dial back the warm water until the cold is taking my breath away. It is invigorating and sends a message to some part of me that I can take the discomfort. There are both physical and psychological benefit to doing it.
     
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  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you missed it but the paragraph you quoted actually mentions that I am married - although in truth we live our lives more like friends than lovers. There is no sexual intimacy and we haven't attempted it in over 5 years.

    It's been a stressful day, it seems there are so many things going on at the moment including various decisions affecting my property, some of which have huge financial implications. I feel as if I'm being pulled in all angles and facing a lot of uncertainty. That being said, I'm doing my best to face up to my responsibilities. I'm around 3 to 4 weeks free of PMO and currently have no desire to relapse.

    Thanks for your comments about the showers - what you said makes sense. I'm going to start warm and ease myself into cooler temperatures :)
     
  4. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hi @Elon musk the comments about cold water were directed at other members who posted above.

    Anyway, I apologize if what I wrote to you came across as rude, that was not my intention. Also, welcome to the forum :)
     
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Quick update. I'm 30 days free of PMO.

    Took a fairly significant step last week of deactivating my Twitter account. Had previously told myself I needed to keep it live it for my business etc, but in truth I was keeping it to browse adult profiles, some of whom I'd had prior interactions with.

    I'm getting better at handling alone time, something which I have quite a lot of, particularly in the mornings. It feels nice to have a clear conscience. For the week ahead I'm aiming to keep building good habits - taking care of my appearance, daily meditation, cold showers and reading personal development books.
     
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  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    During the not-so-distant darker days of my porn use, my tastes escalated towards particular cuckolding niches (among other things) - I always felt kind of disgusted at myself for being turned on by that stuff. I know it’s not what I wanted in reality, I actually hate the thought of it. But as a sexual fantasy it excited me to see videos of attractive young women bossing me around, telling me I was worthless and insignificant compared to real alpha males who could satisfy them in bed. I wonder how much of this has to do with how I perceive my own status as a man.

    Our social circle includes a few other married couples who we see on a regular basis. These other men appear to have their lives in order - they carry themselves with confidence, they earn a good income, they’re competent and responsible. They have some characteristics that make them appealing to women.

    Sometimes I don’t feel entirely like an adult, let alone a man. It’s a combination of things - living in my father’s shadow, my inadequate earnings, being unable to provide my wife with a sexual relationship, being unsure of myself / low on self confidence. My wife likes to remind me that she’s the breadwinner in our relationship. I’m in a comfortable job which is undervalued and underpaid. I’m not especially bothered that she earns more than me, but I believe on some level I’m currently settling for less than I’m worth.

    So what qualities do I actually offer? I suppose you could say I’m safe and reliable. A ‘nice’ guy, a bit of a people pleaser. Despite all of this, in general terms my wife treats me with respect, as do our friends.

    I’m not trying to torture myself by pointing out some home truths. I’m trying to take stock of where I am by identifying areas for personal growth. Taking responsibility for the results I produce is one way that makes me feel like an adult - facing up to problems, rather than running from them.

    And perhaps I need to learn not to compare myself so much to others. The next chapter in the personal development book I’m currently reading is entitled ‘Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today’.
     
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  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I like that. Yes, there may be some people we admire for certain reasons, but they're human too, and have their own insecurities. You're on the right track, forlorn. You are a good man, and it sounds like you're grateful for what you have (which is quite a lot in my estimation) while you make progress in making things even better. I'm happy for you.
     
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  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I believe I have finally broken free from findom (a particularly harmful subset of my addiction that plagued me for over a decade). Willpower alone wasn't enough - I had to take responsibility, accept the truth and take steps to transform my relationship with money. A few months back I started investing in stocks, which helped me see my financial situation in a different way. The thought of squandering money on strangers has lost it's appeal - of course the behaviors went deeper than money. It's likely I was trying to meet other needs or establish an emotional connection (albeit in an unhealthy way).

    While there's a lot of work to be done, I do feel as if am moving in the right direction.

    Thanks for the kind words Moz. And you're right, those other men who I compared myself too, I am sure they have their own fears, insecurities and problems. I will focus on my own progress and compare myself to who I was yesterday.
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Love this!
     
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  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :)so true
     
    realness likes this.
  11. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Damn forlorn, so wonderful to read up on your latest. Keep going.
     
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I had a slip a few days ago. It was one of those partially planned situations where I knew I'd have the house to myself for a night (I was also suffering from a bad hangover that day). The following morning I eased myself back into recovery mode, determined not to allow the shame to keep me down. The clear conscience will return so long as I continue to take actions that promote health and well-being. Onward and upwards.
     
  13. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    slipped yesterday myself. no excuse. but i know what happened so i can prevent it next time. tried with the wife. could not perform-ED. rationalized i deserved an O. anyway no matter the excuse. have to eat crow for awhile. feel the shame, remorse, regret, and less than again. trudging on. day one.
     
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    A dream I had last night about escaping from my childhood home has prompted me to take another look into past trauma. I’ve dabbled with this a few times but I now plan to take a deeper dive. I have a handwritten list of things from childhood (and some from adulthood) that I consider to be painful / traumatic. Maybe processing some of this stuff will help me to address what the compulsive part of myself needs. I may not find any actual answers and it’s possible that I suffered trauma that I was too young to remember, but I’m doing it to get to know myself better. Self knowledge is a route to self love. Past therapy sessions revealed that I scored high on defectiveness (a core belief that I’m flawed/unworthy) and abandonment, so I will see if I can tie these into my past trauma with a view to finding acceptance and healthier coping mechanisms. I don't know what methods there are of processing trauma, but even as I skim through the items on my handwritten list, some of them definitely affect me on a physiological level (they awaken fear and anxiety within me).

    I'm home alone again today, the wife is out as she was when I last slipped - but today I will stay clean and manage my alone time in a healthy and productive ways.

    Sorry to hear that @badger - pick up the pieces and carry on. It's good that you know what tripped you up so you can be better prepared in future.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The sub-conscious always uses metaphor, and dreams are a such a great source, I think. When we find ourselves back at our childhood homes it's not just because of past trauma, but it's where we are still allowing ourselves to reside. In other words we still haven't left the habits that shaped us. I think the fleeing could be one of two things. One, it could be that you are still holding on to past ways and the sub-conscious is reminding you that you are free to run for it at any time. Two, it could be that you've spent your entire life running and now it's time to evaluate just what your running from, anyway. It could also be a combination of the two, but only you know the answer to that.
     
  16. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thank you forlorn. i believe it's frustration at my continued PIED. after so long abstaining from porn i figure i should be able to perform. but there really is no magical time limit for healing. i just need to be patient and trudge on.
     
  17. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Started my deep-dive into past trauma. At this stage I don't know exactly how to process it, but I'm going to begin just by thinking about the things on the list and seeing what feelings come up. I have some deep emotional wounds and this is an attempt to discover more about them.

    Beyond that, I don't have a great deal to report. Most things are ticking along nicely at the moment. Enjoyed a hot towel shave at the barbers this morning and now I'm heading out for exercise. This evening I have plans with 4 male friends, drinks in a hotel bar, something to look forward to.
     
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Life feels busy lately but overall things are going well. Despite a few slips in 2021, the gaps between my acting out behaviours are widening and I no longer feel trapped in a cycle of guilt. This morning I felt a sense of calm that I haven’t experienced in a long time.

    My wife recently shared a some of her insecurities and told me about a family member who is struggling with depression. A close friend who I met with the other day also confided in me that he’s been struggling with his mental health during the pandemic. It made me realise that everyone has problems and I need to step up and be there for people. When I am going through a porn phase I tend to be a selfish asshole, wrapped up entirely in my own problems. Being clean helps me to think beyond myself and be more emotionally available to others.
     
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    About an hour ago I was at my computer performing searches for adult content. It took a few minutes before I was able to break away and switch to another task. Now that I’ve regained my composure I can analyse this trigger. There were two things that led to the behaviour occurring.

    This morning, I was working at a client’s home (a woman I’ve never met before). She told me she has suffered from bullying all her life. She hates this country and is returning to her homeland to move in with her sick, elderly parents. She’s also going through a divorce. Some of her comments and behaviours were very strange. She was such a broken human being. It really got to me, seeing a person in adulthood going though what appeared to be a mental breakdown right before my eyes.

    The second issue is a career related stress that’s playing on my mind. Confusion about this issue has led to procrastination. However, I am now trying to address this in a healthy manner. This problem is within my control. I can take steps to work on it and reduce the stress I feel.
     
  20. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I love the last few updates you've posted and hope you are doing well forlorn!
     

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