Time to heal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by forlorn, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's been a mixed few days. Not perfect in terms of recovery but overall a positive shift in the right direction.

    Thanks, I'm still working on ingraining these values and I do feel as if they're starting to give me a sense of identity and a foundation for decision making. Even if I slip up (which I inevitably will at some point) it won't feel as if I am back to square one. I am trying to focus on managing my life (rather than managing my addiction). There's a lot more to be done and while I feel a little anxious I'm also excited about the future.
     
    Boxer17 and positivef like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Interesting. I read (I think in Maxwell Maltz' psychocybernetics) that anxiety is actually excitement and that this change of view can really help you to deal with that.
     
    positivef likes this.
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good thought!
     
    NCBob likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    When we focus on the problem, it becomes more of a problem. When we focus on the solution, it becomes more of a solution. Our lives are our solution. We just need to recognize what living our lives entails:)
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    yes, anxiety is excitement on steroids, which means we're overloaded with excitement, when we're anxious. I have found that slowing myself down, using deep breathing, getting quiet time, rest, etc., helps me bring my anxiety down to a manageable level such that I actually feel excited, rather than uncomfortable with anxiety.
     
    forlorn likes this.
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hi, hope you're all doing well in these difficult times. Realised I haven't posted here since in almost 3 weeks so thought I should check in. I haven't been doing any recovery work lately - but nor have I been looking at porn. Guess, like many others I'm trying to come to terms with what's been going on in the world. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't impacted me psychologically. While I perhaps didn't have the most active social life it does feel unusual to be under lockdown. I was in the habit of going to the supermarket every day on my bicycle and now it feels strange to think that something as simple as that carries risks. So I've been mainly staying indoors, My use of social media has increased. My WhatsApp notifications are pinging more than ever before and everyone is going on about Apps like House-Party, and Zoom. I did briefly enjoy the experience of communicating with a group of friends via Zoom but the House-Party app felt rather contrived. Overall I don't think the increased use of these apps has made me feel less lonely. Today I will take a step back from social media, I intended to focus on simple pleasures such as gardening and doing something creative like painting.
     
    Boxer17, Gil79, UK Don and 2 others like this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That sounds really good. Social media are a waste of time. Like porn has nothing to do with sex, there is nothing social about social media. If you want to share some intimacy with friends and family: call them.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I had a couple of slips in the last few days. Prior to that, I had achieved 90 days+ of sobriety and things were going pretty well. I'm now in that post PMO phase where part of my brain is trying to rationalise this behaviour to allow it to continue...."Well you've slipped up now so you may as well carrying on doing this for a bit longer". But I need to be careful not to allow the shame to drag me back down. I don't want to return to a life where reliance on porn becomes my primary strategy for avoiding reality and emotional discomfort.

    My previous strategies were working well - the therapy, the trauma work, regular journalling, reading and the efforts to instil values to use as a basis for decision making. When I was making that kind of daily progress I felt excited about life and at peace with myself, I want to get back to that place.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    And you will! :) I just went through that down phase and it's grueling, but you know what? It passes.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Now that you know where that place is, it should be easier to find this time around:)
     
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    All these things are definitely helping to anticipate difficulties and stay one step ahead of the addiction . . .
     
    Saville likes this.
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Thanks for posting guys, I've lifted myself out of the doldrums now and feel as if I'm back on track.

    When we're young, it feels like time will last forever, but before you know it decades can pass and you'll wonder where all the time went. At least that's how it feels for me. "Youth is wasted on the young", as my mother used to say.

    I think it was NCBob who said to me that trauma can be a cumulative factor in our lives - or words to that effect. And when I think about it, this has certainly been the case for me. What I find strange is that some memories of the 'recent' past seem so hazy to me. I got married at 27, my wife was 22. In the 17 years of our marriage, we've moved house a lot and for some reason I can't even piece it all together in chronological order - I'm relying on referring back to CV's (resumes) to figure out timelines of our whereabouts in different years. I realised there has been a lot of trauma in our married lives yet I've barely spent any time unraveling those years and trying to make sense of events that unfolded, so this will be my focus for the next few days.
     
    UK Don, Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Still spending time reflecting on the past, particularly the years since I got married. There are huge gaps in my memory, most likely a result of drink/drugs, trauma and the general busyness of life. I've never taken the time to think back over this period of my life. I'm doing so now because I have the time and because I feel it will help me accept reality and take responsibility for the way things have worked out.

    I also thought back to a time before I got married. The year immediately after graduating I decided to move in with my grandparents. In some ways, it was a dark period of my life. I kind of used their house as a base for my own selfish purposes - to have uninterrupted access to dial-up internet without anybody ever questioning how long I was spending at the computer. My parents would never have let me get away with that in their home. But this had been a calculated move on my part. The Internet was new and exciting and I engineered a situation where I could surf alone until the small hours. Communication with my grandparents was difficult due to language barriers but I still didn't make the effort I could (and should) have with them, I still feel guilty about that.
     
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Great that you're using this time constructively, forlorn:) Self-reflection is good for the soul...
     
    Saville likes this.
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Bit ashamed to admit I haven't been using the time as constructively as I had hoped. Old habits re-emerged over the past week. It was almost as if real life went on hold - I avoided feeling negative emotions, avoided the truth and became distant from those closest to me. I could point to any number of reasons but ultimately there's nothing to be gained by looking for excuses - the simple truth is, it's up to me to make a difference and start moving in the right direction again.

    Having spent a little while on self reflection I realise it's also important to focus on the future. With that in mind, I am planning to put together some kind of 'vision' for the rest of my life (has anyone here done something similar?). I've dabbled with this idea before and mapped out areas of my life that require improvement but I don't ever feel as if I've fully connected to the vision and somewhere along the way, I lose sight of it. But I will try again and make it as personal as possible. I think it's important to have something to aim towards otherwise I will continue down this path of inaction and aimlessness.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am actually in the process of it now. Not so much for the rest of my life, but for another 5 to 10 years or so. Realizing I am at a point where I need to look further. I am doing it by active visualization. The details don't matter. As long as you can picture it, you will automatically move towards that goal. At least that is the wisdom I read about in Maxwell Maltz 'psychocybernetics' and I do resonate with that. Actually I think it is often the details (or trying to fill things in with reasoning) that keeps us away from our goals. Because you'll always reach the point of saying 'ah, that won't work, cause of this and that'. Keep visualizing your goal and use the wisdom of your subconscious to get there.
     
    NCBob and Matt2020 like this.

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