I'm a 42 year old male with a history of sexually compulsive behaviour spanning 25 years. The two biggest traumas that come to mind from my youth were being bullied at school (I was sexually naive compared to others) and almost losing my mother to illness when I was 16. Other than that, I had a fairly happy childhood. In later years through college and throughout my twenties I suffered a series of painful rejections from women. I have some fetishes which have always made me feel like a weirdo and an outsider. I've always had a thing for pretty feet - and humiliation. Masturbation and porn started off with lifestyle magazines and fantasy novels. Then the internet came along. I was initially hooked on the chat rooms. After college I moved out, got my own computer and made sure I had lots of privacy. I soon lost interest in reality. The years rolled by. Then came the strip clubs, escorts, cash meets. I've put those real life encounters behind me now but I was never able to give up porn. In between all that, I got married but our sex life never materialised due to my inability to get it up/in. In the meantime my secret porn use continued, my tastes morphed and the content became more graphic. It's got to the point where it's making me miserable, irritable, frustrated and ashamed of my behaviour. Over the next few months I aim to document my journey as I take the time to heal. I will learn to accept myself for who I am, forgive myself for the past, deal with shame, learn emotional management and strive towards becoming a better man.