Time To Get Serious Before It's To Late

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by dig deep, Aug 6, 2017.

  1. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Been on YBR for a long time following lots of people,I'm interested and inspired reading their journey through this addiction and also through life.But I've never done well myself,I envy those guys who go past 30 plus days,my best is 38 and 32 days back in 2015,this year my best is 18 and 14 days. I've got to change improve my fight against this addiction to save the rest of my life(it's that serious)if I don't my life will be lonely and loveless like it is now and at 43 time is running out.
    I've been off work the last two weeks(16 days including weekends)and even though I went out every day to museums,walking tours,sports events and hiking all by myself I relapsed on 11 of those 16 days,the only plus is most of the relapses were short like 1/2 hour to 1 hour,its feels like I'm regressing rather than progressing and a being aware of this addiction for 5 years this is bad.
    The trouble I think I have is that after 4/5 days my motivation to quit seems to go,another reason I keep relapsing a lot is through boredom I think that I need to allow myself to be bored or contempt at doing nothing instead of sitting in front of the computer surfing the net which in the end will always lead to porn.
    I'm back at work tomorrow so hopefully I can get a streak going which will lead to progress in other areas of my life.
    I've never done a blog/diary before but I though I would try it to see if it will help me overcome this addiction.
  2. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome Dig Deep!
    That is exactly how I felt about 1 year ago and that turned out to be a great motivation to crawl out of the PMO wormhole.
    Journalling here is a very important ingredient to the recovery recipe for me.
    Good luck :)
    40New30 and dig deep like this.
  3. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Thanks bobjes,it's nice to know someone who's been there and offering their experience to me,thanks.
    I'm glad you think journaling helps,I've read on quite a few journals it helps so I though I'd give it a try
    bobjes likes this.
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi dig deep,

    Welcome sir. Agree with bobjes... journaling here serves many positive purposes in this battle... and I mean battle.

    Brother, I am sure I speak for many of the great guys here when I say... we are here for you.

    You can do this if you really want to. Pornography is a hollow lie and screws us over big time if we let it.. I have battled a decades long PMO addiction and am winning...finally.

    Stay strong.. lean on us if necessary.
    dig deep and bobjes like this.
  5. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Thanks fcjl8 for your words of kindness,support and advice,I've often though about doing a journal in the past but was never sure what to write,would it do any good and how I would be received. PMO has really knocked my self confidence and wanting to be perfect and things to be just right(no more Mr nice guy syndrome)

    I don't have a smart phone,don't want to be connected to the internet 24/7 and my laptop is wired,I haven't bothered with wireless so when I go into work today I will be taking the adsl filter the thing that connects broadband hub with the phone socket,and I will bring it home on Friday,so at least I will have a few days without the internet which will be good for my health and give me a good start in my reboot,I've done this quite a lot of times before and I get things done around the house cleaning/tiding and cause I have more time I feel my relax.

    So the next time I write here will be the weekend when I will be at risk of relapsing,until the stay strong fellow rebooters.
  6. madman

    madman Member

    You are serious about your recovery. Best wishes. It shows. I support you in your struggle as I battle mine. Good to have you here.
  7. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Cheers madman all the best to you.
    First week back at work after my two week holiday went OK. On Tuesday I had my usual withdrawal symptoms brain fog,tiredness and that feeling of getting a cold, Wednesday still brain fog and cold symptoms but they came and went throughout the day. Thursday went to the supermarket in the morning found myself getting irritable with people and brain fog, later in the day felt better, Friday woke up early at 4 am and struggled to get back to sleep until 6 am then woke at 8 am so tired for the rest of the morning, but after lunch and for the rest of the day felt OK.
    It's now Friday 10.30 pm and now the real challenge begins,the weekend is where most of my relapses happen,and the start of the weekend and the weekend is a trigger for me, so that's a habit I have to break. Tomorrow I'm going to watch a football match so I've got to be strong and conscious before I go in the morning and after when I get home. Sunday I'll do some cleaning and gardening but I think that will be a harder day.So I have to get through the next 63 hours until I go back to work without any porn or porn subs and that will set me up nicely for the next week.
  8. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    63 hours at 1 hour at a time or 4 hours at a time or 1 day at a time. ;)

    Making lists for gardening and cleaning duties worked a treat for me to get through the week ends.

  9. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi dig deep, you can get through the weekend porn free... for sure. Just 48 one hour increments... just stay on the path one step at a time brother. I know you can!
  10. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    relapsed about 15 minutes after posting on here,and had a 3 hour session, no reason why, wish I had switch laptop off after posting on here,now feeling low,god I hate myself for being so weak right now,why does the harm this addiction does and the will to fight it just vanish in a split second. Now another late night and probably a bad night sleep.
    I think what I will do is write a list of what I will look at on the internet before I switch on the computer then when list is complete switch the computer off.
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi digdeep,

    We have all fallen, many times in my case. Do not give into self loathing, that only hurts the process and drives us back into PMO cycle.

    I love 40New30's statement... "just keep quitting until you quit". This is a great truth. Each moment you have away from PMO is beneficial to your body, mind and soul. Each and every moment that you have freely chosen not to seek out pornography is freedom and so golden. It is how this works... building resolve... building strength. I once went over 300 days clean, and slipped. That could be seen as failure but each of those clean days taught me and provided me with what I need now to win this fight. This is not a linear path by any means.

    We are all here for you brother. Love and Peace.
    bobjes and dig deep like this.
  12. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Cheers fcjl8 for the support its really touching and gives me a more positive out look.

    very bad weekend relapsed 5 times,once friday night,twice saturday and twice sunday,even though I'm ashamed to have relapsed so many times I'm not going to lie and not reset my counter just to save face to not look week and bad.
    I work a late shift so I get home at 10 pm so on friday i was just meant to go on the internet of one hour max,just to post here and catch up on a few football forums,but as soon as i posted on here, bang all thoughts of rebooting went out of my head and the addiction took control of me for the next 3 hours. So going to bed very late at 2 am and still buzzing i had a very bad nights sleep, i manage to get 4 hours sleep so all saturday i was tired,i had a better nights sleep saturday night but not enough to recover so still a bit tired sunday. With the tiredness and relapses at the start of the weekend(friday night) i guess i developed a fuck it all attitude and the weekends lost and i will start a new reboot on monday (addiction tricks).
    Anyway its monday a new day a new week,i'll still take the adsl filters to work so no internet until i come home friday night,but this time when i come home on friday night i wont go on the computer,i will do what i do when i come home from work mon,tue,wed,thur night which is have some thing light to eat watch a bit of tv go to bed a 11 pm and read until i cant keep my eyes open, that way i get a good start to the weekend.
    there is a you tube channel called 'the art of charm' and they have a interview with Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy witch i have downloaded to my phone i listened to that again on sunday and that gave me inspiration.
    I will post next weekend ,so hope every on has a porn free week and continues to improve their lives.
  13. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    An addict in early recovering shouldn't have access to their drug. Porn is a drug, as addictive as heroin...you have to take this that seriously to win.

    You've made a decision to quit, but you're not doing all you can yet.
  14. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    I'm going to try journaling again, I tried last time but I've never been good at writing and never quite sure what to write,but a lot of the successful rebooters have journals and they recommend journaling and replying to other journals so I will give it another shot. Why now, well after a good start to the year where I replapsed 4 times in the first 46 days including a 12 & 19 day streak, but in the last 35 days I've replapsed 17 times including every day for the last 9 days.
    Back in January I bought a piano keyboard to learn the piano, I've never in my life been interested to learn any instrument but I thought I'd get one to get me away from my laptop and its good for the brain:) but of course after a couple of weeks I stop using it so that's something I need to pick up,I also join the library to read more but I only read at night to help me fall asleep so I need to start reading more in the day and get more knowledge on anything that interest me.As spring is coming and better weather I will get out in the garden and do a few diy jobs around the house.
    I reread the first have of Savilles journal and learned the importance of not MOing because eventually it lead back to porn and fantasy,also as Saville has written many times action is the key even doing the mundane thus creating good habits away from the computer.Any way I'm not working for the next 3 days so I will do all I can to stay free of porn until I go back to work when it will be easier to stay clean.
    NCBob likes this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    If you bought a piano to play, have you considered getting lessons? One of the best things I've done for myself is to have found a guitar instructor. We've worked together 3 years, and I've learned so much about the instrument I never had a clue about - and now I have a creative outlet that I enjoy filling my time with. Knowledge is power...

    Saville is a great person to draw on for inspiration and guidance - I'm glad you've locked in on his journal.

    Speaking of which, there is no correct way to write a journal. It is something that takes practice. I've found that the more I journal, the easier it is for the right words to find me - and not the other way around.

    Keep showing up!
    Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, digdeep. Good to have you back. Everything you said is bang on. Journal, journal, journal.

    I recently slipped in the MO department, which I wrote about. I thought because I wasn't looking at P it was fine, once in awhile, to M. Wrong! Well, I didn't actually think it was fine. It was more a matter of just feeling that old ho hum thing, which the addict loves, because then it can just pull us down all the way. I was like an alcoholic saying "because I only drink beer now and not spirits, I'm fine." Yeah, bullshit thinking.

    The further we get away from P and M the better our heads are for things like piano. :)
    Mad Dog and dig deep like this.
  17. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Thank you Bob and Saville for replying in my journal your words bring motivation to me and a feeling I'm not alone.:)

    First full day of this reboot and I've kept myself busy first buying my food for the weekend food shop which I took my time doing, as Saville has said many times move slow also I get less annoyed by other shoppers,when you move slow other shoppers don't get in the way and mentally I stay calm and relaxed,then later on I visited a small town by train I have never be to which is on a big river and had a nice walk around and something to eat and it kept me out of the house for 4 hours.After dinner I went for a 45 minute cycle ride about 8pm, I wanted to test an app on my phone called Strava which measures your ride or walk and gives you a map of where you went, times and things like that. Now its late evening I going to have a couple of beers and watch tv until bed time.
    Tomorrow I'm going to watch a football match so I will be out most of the day travelling to it and watching it.
    Saville likes this.
  18. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Started to get porn and sex thoughts through out Sunday(day 3) but didn't watch porn but I did MO which I didn't want to but it is the lesser of 2 evils,after I felt calmer in my mind but felt weaker and anxious so I guess by Oing I lose my power I have to keep it to an absolute minimum.
    Today i'm back to work after a week off on day 4 which is a start and better than day 0,getting back to work gives me structure to my days but after PMOing for 9 days in a row before this reboot i'am expecting a lot of brain fog and tiredness which is my main symptom at the start of a reboot,I have to remember this will pass.
    Back to Sunday after MOing I switch my laptop of and put a pen and notepad next to it so anything I needed to google or check I made a list so next time i'm on the computer I will be more constructive and no aimless browsing,I think this is key because I find the internet zombiefies me and I easily browse internet for hours.
    So using the internet less will be an important step for me on over coming my porn addiction because so many relapses have come from sitting in front of the computer for too long and before you know it I'm looking at porn subs and then porn.Also time goes by so quick and I become lazy so any plans I had to do chores or read etc go because my mindset becomes lazy,so too much internet browsing makes me procrastinate.
    Maybe a stool or a uncomfortable chair or a posture chair could be the answer.
    JohnQ and Saville like this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I was exhausted and couldn't remember even simple things for months. I thought the fatigue would never lift...but it did. :)

    Sounds like you have some good structure in place to succeed!
    Mad Dog and dig deep like this.
  20. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Yeah, good call on trying to spend less time aimlessly in front of the laptop. Do something productive instead e.g. get out on your bike or spend time working in your garden.

    It seems to me like you're giving in to P triggers far too easily. Worth remembering that triggers are biologically hardwired so they won't go away any time soon. Instead, we need to have strategies for dealing with them when they arise. Maybe you could try some deep breaths or even pinching yourself, whatever it takes to interrupt the pattern. And also, you made a point about never getting past 38 days PMO free. Sure, you want to be PMO free but don't judge your success by how many days clean you've been. Sure, that's important but you need better goals than that. Consider all the areas of your life you can make improvements in and aim to progress and work towards those goals on a daily basis

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