Time is fleeting, life is passing, and I'm stuck and stranded on a lonely Island

Day 140
Been going out a fair bit last few days. Just keeping myself careful and aware all the time of this addiction of keeping to no pmo. Reading daily posts and yeah life is just coming along.

 

day 186. I read my post every day and just trying to get it into my system, that my whole existence is at stake if I PMO and give into this addiction. Must stay strong and as a warrior. To infinity and beyond! Just was reading the past 4 years etc. It was hell. Must stay strong

2014 feb - 2015 july. 1 year and 4 months withdrawal. july 2015 - feb 2018 was superpowers - 2 years 7 months superpowers and feb 2018 to may 2018 withdrawals. 2006 grade 7 - 2011 year12 absolute dweeb

 

Day 200
Just trying to hold on and remember the darkness that has been there before me. Hold on and soldier on. 1 life and 1 vision. Be calm and love life and that's it. Soldier on and love life

 

proud of you brother. Wooo!!!!!!

 

Wow man, that's inspiring.

 

By darkness what do you refer too?

 

Doing well Mike, I can empathise with you I know the pain and suffering porn withdrawal gives you, recovery is our only option when we have withdrawals. Keep it up brotha!

 

Right now 5 years on after my first horrible withdrawals I still sit here in Withdrawals. ... day33 of the withdrawals and in the past year I've pmoed maybe only 5 to 6 times but yet I still sit here in Withdrawals. ...

it's quite fucked up... in the summer here during December 2018 and Jan 2019 I was fucking away like a rabbit. .. even in 2018 in June I was doing incredibly well with girls. going out being the centre of attention, life of the party everywhere, being energetic and enjoying life all the time.


now since Jan 26th 2019 until now I just feel like a vegetable. ... always looking down, depressed and feel so weak. no enjoyment from doing anything and I haven't even been going out.. just shows from a complete amazing lifestyle how everything can come to zero in few seconds. I don't know if these withdrawals are due too watching p and masturbating those few times or having too much sex. all I know is for the next year to isolate this I'm gonna keep 100 percent away from pmo and no masturbation n see if I still get withdrawals...

it's just depressing living life like these in Withdrawals atm.... but when superpowers come back n I get normal fuarkkkkkk that is takeover time. mm.

 

Man I just started another reboot and after reading this I feel like it's going to be a lifelong battle for me

 

day 47 and again another horrible day for me in withdrawals.

Was just thinking right now the hottest girls don't even matter to me, my beautiful car that i bought recently dosnt matter to me, my parents, friends. I don't give a fuck or feel good about anything. That is a true sign of withdrawals when nothing feels good.

Last few months been fucking girls and I was so crazy and confident behind girls but now any girl I dont give 2 fucks about. 2 girls messaging me at the moment and I don't really care about fucking them or meeting up with them. I just want to recover 100% from these shitty mental symptoms and then I'll even think about doing real sex in life. Gotta recover first myself.

Day 47... im hoping by day 80 my symptoms improve and get better... we'll see how it goes and take one step at a time.

Gotta crystallise NO PMO for life for NOW, so no more withdrawals in the future!!!!

 

day 52

at work and today has been ok. withdrawals clearing slowly and mind is clearest it has been all throughout these 52 days. I don't know if it will last. but just fingers crossed that it'll get slowly better from now. fingers crossed....

feeling a lot better and clear mind.. just enjoying the moment.

need to monitor this and see how it goes

 

yeah today can confirm in the afternoon and evening withdrawals still there, weirdness and anxiety still there... quite fucked... gotta see how it works out... hmm... quite disappointing but yeah life goes on...

 

Day 55,

yeah weirdness and withdrawals are still there, I don't wash my face, don't care about my hair, they are filled with dandruff and everything. Dont even care about shaving my beard. Once I start appreciating these things and enjoying life once again, thats when my withdrawals will disappear.

I've just been thinking that my own happines and life matters more than any girl or sex in this world. I've made a pact that I need to probably stay clean for 2 years or whatever completely away from PMO, no MO and then i'll see benefits. In this withdrawals, i've missed my own ability being happy and just myself all this time. Honestly, npt going to pursue chicks, just be to myself and protect myself once the presence returns so strong. I never want these withdrawals to return again.

I was reading through last year's journal and stuff and I realised that I stay with this addiction when I'm feeling bad and then once I get fine again, I forget about the true cause. The fact that I have withdrawals 2nd year in a row, means its a real addiction. Every little brick and drop counts to making this life a life full of happiness and complete joy. My life has been hit with many hurdles. During this horrible withdrawal, I am still doing full-time work and full-time studies. I will not surrender, and keep my efforts up to the highest point and keep hustling hard. Cause I will never give up.

One life focus baby. Always remember what is at the core and what is most important.

 

Day 68

Yeah last few days have been horrible. Felt suicidal on many of the days before. Just felt shitty. Still no joy in life. Today is still okay.

I just think that yeah neurotransmitters and your mental health is everything, which can make you enjoy everything or can destroy everything.

Keeping the fact that PMO is the new drug at the forefront of my mind. Need to recover. I know I will get better, but just need to remember to stay away from PMO...

 

Thanks for sharing, Mikey. I can't relate to this much. I am convinced that my depression and anxiety traditionally has been independent from my addiction and I was using porn as a crutch to mask over the painful feelings I have had in life. In reaching over two and a half years of no porn, I can't connect the improvements I have had with my mood with directly giving up porn altogether. If I had given up porn but continued with my old lifetsyle and never worked on my personal development, I expect that I would have felt the same. I think all of the improvements I have seen within myself have come as a result of working hard on improving my anxiety and depression, doing a lot of self help stuff as well as exploring therapy. Kicking porn out of the picture has simply allowed me to confront my feelings directly and free up energy to do something about them. I am not denying withdrawals exist because I am sure that I have experienced them. Particularly cravings to act out. I have also had heightened feelings of anxiety and depression too as a result of porn use in the past, but this is usually in short bursts and is associated directly with porn use. It also feeds into the existing mental health difficulties that are there, it doesn't operate in a vacuum.

For a while I kept on with the journey of sobriety, waiting for my symptoms to miraculously disappear. I bought into the 90 days success stories where everything seemed to be wonderful. I went through a period of disillusionment before I realised that I was seeing the end of this addiction as another quick fix for all of my problems. Ultimately, you are best positioned to interpret what is going on inside your head. I just wanted to share my story in the hope that it might help.

 

Thanks for your story. I had withdrawals for 90 days last year and then superpowers appeared for me. I was legit high on life, confident, motivated, NO DEPRESSIOn whatsoever from May 2018 - Jan 2019. Even in Feb 2014 to July 2015 I had withdrawals for 16 months. My past experiences have taught me that its definitely my addiction to PMO and these kindling P sessions i have and maybe the too much sex. I'm gonna try to keep 2 years completely free from any sex, PMO, M or any arousal. Let my brain heal and then only introduce sex sometimes here and there. I took sex and PMO into overdrive in Dec 2018 and Jan 2019

 

I don't really know what to say, except that I recently decided to involve myself more with the community in here. That's why I'm commenting on your post. I've read a bit of your story and
it resonates with mine.

I don't want to do this anymore. To hide in plain sight. I just started crying earlier because I realised I'm still a good person despite all the shit I've done. I'm still a fighter. I'm still rooting for the good to emerge in the bad. I'm still the guy who firmly thought no one deserves to die, no matter what. I'm still the curious kid who saw the good in everything. It makes me sad and happy to think about it.
I want to reconnect with that part of me hiding somewhere. Whenever I picture it in my mind I see a little boy playing in a backyard play house. It's the night and monsters of all sorts are roaming all around. Only the play house has lights in it and the kid is hiding there, afraid of to get out because of all the monsters in my head.

I'm sure you got this. You're so strong. Getting over 20 days is a really big deal for me and the relapses are nasty. I always had a lot of trouble to control my addictions, in an all or nothing fashion. When I smoked pot, it was never just a litle toke. Alcohol, same. Porn, same. My thoughts are all over the place. It seems like I have no more focus these days. I wonder if I burned my brain from all the abuse.

Anyway, I did not mean to disrupt the topic of your thread, just to say hello in fact.

Hello.

 

Hey man. My anxiety is so bad that I've started taking antidepressants. But get rid of all your alcohol and other addictions it's all cancer.

 

I'm proudly off alcohol and pot. Alcohol 4 years now, weed 2 years.

And for some reason I can't get myself to stop relapsing to porn. It's 1000x harder, I'm not even joking. My take on porn addiction is that it's rooted in some pre existant brain structure that has to do with reproduction. The addiction model is a completely different one than with typical substance abuse.

There's a lot of advice out there that has to do with accepting the occasional relapses and being able to see the big picture of improvement. To stop seeing things in black or white in other words. But that's difficult when in the heat of anxieties and depressing thoughts.

 

Day 300
still on antidepressants and will be on AD for all my life. Life has never been better. I will never PMO or have sex ever again in my life. That is what provides me with life and strength.