Time is fleeting, life is passing, and I'm stuck and stranded on a lonely Island

Day 101 for me. I am doing nothing more than focusing on this journey. It is all my life's happiness that depends on this journey. I will do anything to retain on and keep on this journey. No surrendering. All aboard the ship.

 

Jack91..... I have been in this journey now since 2014. We have the knowledge of how detrimental this thing is for us. If we have the knowledge and still don't use stay clean, that what is the point. I have been through the depths of hell and keep suffering through this thing. We must fight it head on. And you my friend have helped me a lot in this process.

 

when I had the worst withdrawals between Feb to 1st May 2018, I really thought that I was going to suffer all those negative symptoms all my life again. You really can't see light at the end of the tunnel. Now I have this kyptonite... there is no surrendering. Rather I die, or this PMO dies.... there's only 1 way out. Need to solidify and strengthen this thing forever and ever. Never ever forget what this PMO has done.

 

it is 1am here where I am at the moment. My mind is ON RED ALERT. I am still studying. Mind is trying to wonder. But I can feel the true control of my mind. I am living right now what I lived through in withdrawals. I can sense the pain that I suffered in withdrawals. The disgust of that, and the feeling of just thinking of waking up tomorrow feeling mentally fine and beautiful is what keeps me clean. I will not surrender at any cost this time.

 

Day 103
It gets so tough at times with these streaks that urges become so high but you gotta hold on.

At my toughest testing phase right now.

 

Urges are too strong today. It's really killing my mind and existence. But I've thought to myself. I know what the end is going to be, forget the heartrate increases, its just alla rtificial, all fucking fake bullshit. So if I know the end result whats its going to be, just sit back and relax and consciously let the wave of urges pass through. Give it all this TIME. Read my daily post. THATS THE WAYYYYY BOIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

 

I wonder how you are having such urges. I am asexual these days. It doesn't feel anything downstairs.
It was day 90 for me today.

 

Hang in there, mikey. We are all rooting for you

 

Day 108

Focus on no temptations and no arousal. That is the mantra and add to another day of no pmo.

It has become my lifestyle now.

 

I must tell you that you must be happy to have strong libido. Is not towards real women. If so then it is healthy just try using the energy into some sport. I m not at all feeling anything for women.

 

Day 113

Here it's 1.30am
Just a passing thought in my mind. Life isn't easy. And with all these addictions... Pmo and everything around... Life sometimes I think it's designed to make you fail.

I know through this journey... This has the been the hardest addiction for me. But yet it's the most worthwhile. I have come to the point of desperation as to why I have come these many days. I just wish it was an entire lifetime where I didn't pmo.. I have the knowledge. Always must be 100 percent aware of what pain and what trauma this has caused my life...

Cause 10 seconds of seemingly godlike pleasure gives a wave of despair and suicidal depression thoughts. Must stay with this bulletproof like armour and defence and always ready to fight this addiction even standing on my last hour... Right now is an example... Im studying for upcoming exams... Dead tired and fatigued... But I will not surrender at any cost..

Must ingrain this no Pmo in my bloodstream and kill it absolutely. That is the spirit BOIZ.

 

Been taking all extreme measures of not looking at girls or women in public. Ensuring my mind is 100% reset before I take on any seduction or arousal with real girls. At times it gets frustrating... But I'm thinking its about to be 4 months hardmode without any relapse at all. No girls arousal... No p no edging no nothing...

Thinkin if maybe it's time to. Seduce and get aroused with real girls.

 

Day 114 for me
got exams coming up and so stressed right now. TO the point, where so much stress almost led me to cum in pants while studying. Its 1.15am and there was rationalisation in my brain to the point of dangerous levels. My brain was thinking of a particular pornstar of who just to look up casually. My mind was rationalising to the point where a few minutes I was about to open up the pornstar's Google search in Brazzers to see if there has been any updates, in the last 3 months. My mind was rationalising and as I was going to do it, I could feel my heart rate beat faster and faster, fake dopamine going to my brain thinking wow I am gonna see my beautiful princess. Right at the last moment, I said what have I learnt, if I am going to do the same mistake that I always did for the last 10 years. I have decided this time, that it will lead to just despair and suicide and problems. I decided against it and will not give in. The rationalisation in my brain is so dangerous, especially when dopamine kicks in and then you think you have reached heaven. Only to realise later, that i have to wake up tomorrow, and I myself will face my own horrors and regret the whole entire day. For this reason I have chosen not to act on these urges and look past it and fight on and carry on the legacy.

So phewwwwww, heres to another day of no PMO!!! Must use this experience as a god's send, because it saved me. Heres to a lifetime. HURRAAYYYY

 

Its 1.20am, here I should be asleep cause I gotta get up in a few hours for work plus my exam tomorrow. But you know what is more important tis writing this experience down, because if I dont PMO, that is my entire life is beautiful ahead. But If I fall and cripple to this bubonic plague and disgusting diease, I will suffer and fall like the last thousand times i have. What is honestly the point of pmoing? Yes it feels like heaven when I do it, but then again those addiction and neural pathways of P get stronger, I get depressed, brain fog kicks in and vitality in lifes absolutely disappears. I will die this time then rather give into this bullshit. I will keep my white flag high. If i know these things, if I am such a wise person who knows the best investment for a person is only themselves, because that is who they can control then its about time that I exercise that strength and investment the BEST for only myself and ONLY myself. Because this addiction is a killer. Must be stopped and must be terminated. Society, everywhere, movies, girls everything everywhere tries to seduce you, even our own fucking brain tries to seduce us into thinking this garbage will feel good only to leave us suicidal in the end.

TL;DR: the moral of the story is ALL defences high 24/7 and takeover time is activated because that is the essence of LIFE FUARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk

 

They say energy never goes to waste. But if you waste your most precious life force, i.e. semen.... there you become a loser. So preserve the most vital energy and invest into things that matter. Life ain't easy anyways. By these addictions, you just ruin the normal flow and the way the brain and body have to function. Takeover time babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Yes this is soo true. I am facing the consequences now. I am tired most of the time despite of being clean for almost 100 days now. I have no urges , no energy I m just 20 going bald with sunken eyes, poor concentration , penile and testicular shrinkage, ugly looking , having belly fat, loosing muscles from the hands, fatigues with slightest exertion having heart palpitations with even the smallest physical task. On top of it all to worsen the situation I have insomnia. Terrible insomnia that I only fall asleep when I take a clonazepam. Even after sleeping I don't feel energised. I live with this constant regret that I wasted my productive years doing this shit. I m just 20 and facing all this terrible problems.I only have the hope left with god. Noboday else can help me.

Also to mention I hang on at ybr for at least 45 mins daily. I open it at lest 3-4 times a day looking out for conversations reply that would give me some hope of improvement. You see I was a promising student in high school flashback to 4 yrs. Now I am at the lowest in my life. I don't know what is happening and where my life is heading. I am desperate. O had dreams which are no more possible I believe.

Pray for me.

 

You are only 20. You have the best years of your life ahead of you, Mickey Mouse.

Also, I would be careful not to blame everything on this addiction. It will only cause you disappointment when you eventually realise that PMO is not the cause of all of your problems.

 

Keep at it, Mikey. You are doing really well. Good luck with the exam

 

day 118
had a WD last night. Not feeling good mentally at all today. Can feel the after effects. The brain fog and heaviness in moving my head. At least I didn't PMO. That's the most important thing. Just feeling a bit lazy and motivation is low due to WD. But will continue to fight, and gotta be extremely careful at this stage.

 

The experience varies for me. When I do have wet dreams, I don't always have the negative after effects. It is not often that I have wet dreams now. The only times that I do is when I am exposed to a triggering situation shortly before settling down. Can you link that WD to anything that you might have seen?