Time is fleeting, life is passing, and I'm stuck and stranded on a lonely Island

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

"but it's almost impossible to thrive in life without sex."

This is where your pain is. Let go.

 

Hi All,

I am feeling superpowers now! The withdrawals are incredibly improving and getting better day by day.

Just trying to commit a life to no PMO 100% and no slip-ups.

 

That's brilliant, Mikey. Congratulations, what an excellent achievement! What are you doing that is allowing you to succeed so well?

 

Day 22

Really need to solidify and focus on this!

Focus on the immense amount of benefits this thing is bringing me!

ALl the social status, attention, confidence, vitality, drive to be happy, always laugh all day these days, clarity in my brain!

Life is just made for me at the moment!

Trust me guys the attention and the energy I have right now is amazing!

WHen I walk on the street, people just admire and be like, "WHats up with this guy?", I dont even have to say a word and people can smell my charisma and my aura. It is ALL DUE TO NO PMO!! and the lord

 

Day 42

Longest streak in 1 year!

Need to solidify and just retain my gains at the moment!

Just not focus on PMO or girls or clubbing for the time being, just trying to focus and make my work flourish and give it that my ALL!

Focus on work and sleeping and self-development. That is what I need.

I need time to recover fully from this addiction. The more time clean I have the more blessing it is for me!

Just think about it, okay I can get my dick sucked by some hot blonde chick, but then I will lose my kryptonite of life force of my semen and then appear weak in public. I love the dominating and overpowering feeling, that is what is eclectic and feels fucking amazing. Need to stay clean and strong for as long as I can, need to recover, remember I'm 23 and that's the way nigga. Only way is up from here hehehehehehe,

 

Read your whole journal (was a lot), glad to see you're in a good place now. I've been known for overthinking stuff too so I could relate to your journal. Live life my friend, and good luck

 

I'm telling you man I've experienced this PMO journey from my fingertips and experienced the cold hard side of this world, and can tell you PMO is poison and is not good at all. Its poison, nothing but that.

Keep away from it and see your life change!!>

 

Its good to see you back, Mikey, and making solid progress too. This addiction is indeed a poison that chokes out joy, life and progress. May you excel on your journey.

 

It sure does choke the enjoyment out of everything. I'm focusing 100% on this journey to remain clean and protect my kryptonite from all angles

 

good luck in life..dont return to that garbage...life is far more beautiful and perfect than we can even imagine

 

Day 26

I really don't know how much longer this pmo will continue. It's been 3 years now to this pmo journey.

And what's been the result until now? I keep PMOing...

It's kind of disappointing to be honest. Just thinking how I could've achieved a milestone by now hd i not pmoed.

Remember theres famous saying in life that we only get what we deserve. Ive been falling to the temptations and indulging into the temporary short term pleasures. Hence i have to pay the price.

The only way i see of countering this is to develop strong discipline. And no chance of falling. That is when i become HALT, THAT'S when it occurs.

I cant bear not getting that high when it happens. I must resist. The novelty is only short term and disappears after that fap.

Must see the beyond journey and the reality vitality that will result in real life. Not just the short term bullshit.

Its very important to hold on and have patience. Like my dad built an empire with hard sweat and patience. Its necessary for me to hold on and perspire like that.

Its going to be the hardest thing and yes i need to wait it out.

I can vividly remember in my last few relapses it was all just driven to get the high and the feel good of seeing naked chick getting fucked.

Thats it. Then later regret and then withdrawals worsen and addiction takes more precious years n days of our short life. Its aggressing me.

It makes me rage and fucking angry inside. Rage from the internal and inside to fucking kill this pmo devil.

How many more fucking days will it take away? No more. Cant fucking keep giving into this shit. Need to grab it by the throat and continue this anger n hatred agaijst pmo to what i5 has resulted me in

 

Yeah man. That resonated with me because I find myself giving in way too easily these days. It's like I've forgotten the detrimental effects giving away our life force has on our lives. We can use that sexual energy to such great extent, but instead waste it away for a few minutes of ecstasy.

When you look at the full picture it's so ridiculous. But we don't always see it full picture. Sometimes our view gets narrow and we become fixated on pleasure, tunneled in and forget about the grand. That is when we give in. When we can't see the negative effects it has because we only see the positive aspect of pleasure it entails.

 

Thats the very nature of addiction man, It entices its victims to do things they normally would not do...however have faith...faith in yourself, faith in God and just start living your life even going as far as to forget about pmo's existence...that dark empty feeling of withdrawal and temptations we all get in varied ways and severities, It will all pass...only the new you, the better you, the greater you will be left...never give up!

 

It is good to hear from you again, Mikey. I share your experiences of frustration, moving through in what seemed to be endless groundhog day cycles of abstinence and relapse. My journal will give you the gist of the struggles I have had in getting clean from porn.

I disagree that you haven't got anywhere in the three years you have been trying to kick the habit. You will have developed a wealth of experience that you didn't have at the beginning of the journey. I found that every relapse was an opportunity to learn, they were calls for action in areas I was neglecting in my recovery.

Keep working at it, persevere and you will get the sobriety that you seek.

 

Hey man hope you're good. Sending good vibes your way.

 

Yo hows it going?

 

Hey guys just thought I'd touch base with you. Currently on day 24. I thought I'd never be back here again cause I thought my withdrawals had disappeared and I thought I'd never have those bad mental symptoms again.

I can confirm the worst withdrawal symptoms are back for me. Weakness, unexplained tiredness, sleepiness, brain fog, social anxiety... All the symptoms are back. Definitely better than 2014 and not as bad as back then.

I have been to doctors getting blood tests and throat tests to see if my immune system is weak or something. Doctor found nothing wrong. Just plain withdrawals again.

Hope this pain gets better.

 

Hey man, how is your life going in other areas? Wishing you the best

 

Hi Mikey,

I have persistent symptoms including fatigue, anxiety and depression. For a while I have been investigating a number of possible causes and have been putting in place appropriate changes to my lifestyle. This will not stop as a these changes have made a difference. I, nevertheless, feel that something is still missing. I dismissed the PAWS explanation because I have been sober hard mode for nearly 21 months and believed that they would have long passed. My opinion is starting to change after reading some of the new posts on this forum lately. I am now feel that I may have been too dismissive of the long term impact of PAWS. I am feeling highly fatigued today and am finding it challenging to concentrate. This despite sleeping well for nearly 9 hours last night. I don't feel physically tired, it is more of a mental tiredness, if that makes sense. Indeed, I feel ready to go for a 30 minute run later on today. I have got a good exercise routine in place and eat well. Blood tests haven't picked up anything unusual other than a zinc deficiency which is now being resolved by taking supplements. This is why I am leaning more into the PAWS camp of the debate.

The problem is that there is no reliable way of telling on a personal level what is causing the symptoms. My open minded approach to recovery will continue.

 

Life in other areas is good man. I'm working and studying full-time and the moment. Very busy life. In terms of girls, it was going well as well until Feb 2018.. Now just trying to stay on his NO PMO PATH....