Time is fleeting, life is passing, and I'm stuck and stranded on a lonely Island

This is probably my longest post I have done on this forum, but I really want to emphasise how much this problem affects me. Its not a thing that just stays there and I forget about, it starts from when I wake up to first check if I am mentally feeling better, to keep checking throughout all of the day.

This is how my journey started. From 4th Feb - 9th May 2014 I went for about 93 days of absolute strictly no PMO, and absolute no masturbation. I was completely clean and did this perfectly well on hardmode. For the first 45 days, things were amazing, I was completely 100%, my confidence, my social ability with friends was completely perfect. Things started to take a shift on Day 45, when I had my first wet dream on 23rd March 2014. Since 23rd March I have never returned to 100% at all, even today I am not 100%.

I feel mentally clear somedays, mind is clear, like I get a feeling that I am okay today, but then when I communicate with friends, social anxiety kicks in. Since 23rd march, there has not been even 1 day where I have had confidence or have been able to communicate clearly to a single person.

I was one of the happiest people on this Earth, before this problem happened. People always used to ask me why I am so energetic, upbeat and alive all the time. I would always crack funny jokes and stay light-hearted all the time. Not only that, I was extremely confident in my self, my self-esteem was high and girls used to find me attractive, as they would always hit on me. After, march 23rd, all these happy moments completely disappeared. I felt like a zombie, just on auto-pilot. anytime I would talk to someone, I had to think really hard before saying something. Before it was natural, could do it subconsciously.

My brain is not trying to overthink it. Because I always try to be confident when I tAlk with someone these days, But i physically cant. that mental block is there. When talking to someone, I say weird things now, and I can just feel the other person thinking "my gosh he isnt smooth on talking and hes on low confidence".

Its exactly what I feel. How I perceive the world, is you only say something because you remember it, you are not saying it like its you. like you have to really think hard before saying it.

another thing I feel is I dont know how to act normally in public now. Whenever I will stand still, or sit down on the seat and wait for the train, I find it really hard just to act normal. Like if I stare, I cant just look normally at people. Times that I have done that, i just end up staring into one spot, and realise few minutes later, wow, ive just been staring there. I always need a phone or newspaper so I feel people cant sense my weakness and dont judge me.

Another thing is, I am really sensitive these days. when i hear a bad story, i really feel the emotions. I am really sensitive now.

Lastly, it affects everything I do in life. For example, when I try to study these days, I have to read something multiple times to digest and understand the information. before, i could get it instantaneously. theres a huge, marked difference in my perceptions and ability to comprehend things now.

It affects my speed in doing things. The other day being called slow by your dad is what really made me sad. No one understands these things, I just see all the people around me and ask god, wow, all these people are doing normal things, what have I done that is bad? everyday I just look and try to search for my old self.

for this reason, I always say to people on here that completely staying away from pmo, masturbation, any sexual activity is so important for a period of time. People always try to justify that masturbation without p is alright. Fine then, do it and see where it leads you. I am so desperate to get my 100% self back, that I am ready to do anything and stay away completely from sexual arousal/thoughts, so I can leave no excuse as to why I dont recover in the long term.

Cannot give into this devil and going to grab it by the throat to return to myself, to my normal life. I need my self back so bad. Am ready to give these temporary temptations and let them burn in hell, to return to my normal self-back

Stay strong Brothers

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Day 18

Okay guys, so have been on no PMO on hardmode for 18 days. Haven't even peeked once at porn.

I have had 2 wet dreams in this period, feeling the post-wet dream effects and still trying to recover.

Still waiting for that day where I experience 100% mental clarity. Would love to get back one of those days

But all in all, haven't edged or peeked once, so plan to keep it this way

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

To think, I am only 8.7% in of achieving my goal. That means I still have to achieve 92%.

And then beyond I will aim for a completely PMO-free 2015.
I reckon all will be well, if I can somehow hold on until 31st December 2014.

Its not a choice, but a demand to hold-on, if I want to become the confident, alpha male I once was.

I feel some temptations sometimes thinking about pornstars, the hot ones, but no I will keep this addiction away.

I want a new years present, so I better keep it controlled.

Because in life, happiness only comes with discipline and pains.

They say no pain no gain, so true, so I will hold on.

Peace x

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Day 23

Feeling alright at this moment. Haven't edged or peeked at porn even once up until now.

Starting hitting the gym yesterday and trying really hard to clear these mental symptoms. Slowly getting there, and am hopeful.

However, had a slight urge yesterday as soon as I turned on my old computer. My dick got instantly hard as I turned on my old computer, as that's where I used PMO the most. Feel happy I fought this urge and deleted the porn videos that were on the desktop.

11% of the way achieved in reaching my 207 day no PMO goal. I'm gonna stay in this and fight this urge, do whatever it takes.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

RELAPSE

Got a blowjob from a girl who I met at a club. blowjob lasted an hour. i count this is as a relapse, as this was on july 5.

Day 10

Today is 15th July and now I am on my 10th Day. a little bit disappointed I broke my previous streak with a blowjob.

Had a wet dream today and felt mediocre today with some brain fog and couldnt communicate properly today.

the best part now is I have had no inclination/interest to look at any porn whatsoever. It just turns me off.

Hopefully this streak lasts the 200 days until 31st december 2014

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Day 15

Feeling still low confidence and experiencing heavy withdrawals. Trying to stay away from porn or any sexual materials.

Even avoid eye contact with females to avoid any arousal.

In search of that sunrise that will bring back my confidence and neurochemicals to their finest again.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

How was your erection with the blow job? An hour seems pretty long for a girl to suck your dick.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

I don't have any ED problems at all.

During the erection, my dick was always hard, but was difficult for me to cum quickly.

I eventually cummed at the end though.

Main reason for no PMO is mental symptoms.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Damn your lucky than. Why are you counting it as a relapse?

Also, as you don't have ED issues, did you get hard before she started giving you a bj, as in just from anticipating it? Reason im asking is I dont get hard until a girl starts giving me head.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

yeah I was already hard when we started dancing.

I get instantly hard when I know a girl wants my cock.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Shit that sounds pretty ideal.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Man, but I suffered mental symptoms after the blowjob.

PMO whether masturbation or physical activity with a girl leaves me mentally disabled completely.

Even though, I dont have ED problems.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Doesn't make sense to me but hopefully you fix that.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Day 20

Feels good to be close to my previous streak of 29 days. The best thing is that in all of my no PMO streaks, I haven't looked at porn even once, havent masturbated at all and AVOID ALL eye contact with women to avoid precum.

As of now, mental clarity comes in and goes throughout days. However, social ability and low motivation are still one of the greatest things that are affecting me these days.

Urges have been strong today and day before. Especially wearing really comfortable underwear exacerbates this horniness. Talked today to chick at front of gym. And I had so much sexual energy inside me that just after talking to her I felt sexually attracted and charged. Thats how weak and sexually vulnerable I am at the moment.

But thankfully no erections and. i have stayed away from any sexual thoughts/materials.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Day 27

Last 2 days I have felt a little better than before. Mental and social anxiety has lifted just a tiny bit, but was still present when I was socialising.

Today I could speak fine to the employers, much better than before... But still noticeable anxiety was there..

Still really pleased I have been strict on hardmode with absolute no pre cum or masturbation at all. Just hope this streak continues and I am more determined than ever to keep this streak going.

Its better to forego this temporary pleasure to completely recover yourself than to keep on suffering in your entire life with low confidence. More determined than ever and just have to keep on praying to keep this strenngth

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Day 28

Had a little bit of temptation earlier this morning to look at some provocative images. Still really need to be careful and wary of this evil temptation luring around my head.

need to maintain strict 100% discipline. cant afford to break this streak now.

help me lord

 

Re: In the hardest battle to save my life...but more than ever determined to recover

Day 31

Still experiencing withdrawal symptoms, low confidence, social anxiety and you get the gist (always what I have).

But this fight is fiercer and STRONGER than ever.

More than ever motivated to stay COMPLETELY FREE, until MYSELF 100% returns.

I have been completely clean for these 31 days now. Haven't even once looked at porn, masturbated, any sexual material or anything at all. Even when I see attractive girls in public I turn my face away. I always look away immediately and avoid completely all things sexual until I return to normal self back.

Here's how I've made it to 30 days (aiming to go until I fully return to normal). I want myself back more than any FUCKING thing in this world. When I get seduced (my dick gets hard), I immediately pray and clench my fists, continuously fighting myself and telling myself "YOU GOTTA FUCKING STOP THIS NOW! YOU WANT THIS TEMPORARY PLEASURE, OR YOU WANT YOUR PERFECT LIFE BACK WITH 100% CONFIDENCE AND CHARISMA". I've been to depressed due to PMO and seriously I have to fight every single time.

Nearly every single moment of the day, I think of normal self returning, I want that confident, happy person back. I think because I think about it so much, I am so conscious about it. So therefore, when any arousal comes in, I immediately fight it head ON. I FEEL LIKE STRANGLING IT, FUCKING KILLING IT AND STABBING IT MULTIPLE FUCKING TIMES.

 

Re: The Accountability Journal for 200 days

Hey auzzie_mikey, I thought I would drop by and say hi cause we both seem to be dealing with mental issues rather than ED. What mental issues are you specifically dealing with? My major problems are brain fog and high anxiety levels.

You are well on your way, man! Now that you are past a month, things should be getting a little better for you. Keep at it

 

Re: In the hardest battle to save my life...but more than ever determined to recover

Hey man,

Yeah cheers man, but still gotta stay positive and extremely motivated to defeat this.

Mental symptoms are brain fog, anxiety, low confidence, lack of concentration, speech is not smooth.

I can't concentrate and understand things like I use to be able to immediately anymore. My confidence is way lower than before.

Socialising with friends is much harder now. I don't laugh at anyone's jokes, dont enjoy anything. Everything is just a feeling of numbness, like a zombie.

That's why I'm so strict on this no PMO now man.

whaT ABOUT YOU?
share your experience man

 

Re: In the hardest battle to save my life...but more than ever determined to recover

Hey man, just read your journal. Yes i am going through the same thing too.. Jus hang in there man. Stay strong. All the best of luck