Time for me to put an end to this

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by skunkmonkey, May 22, 2012.

  1. skunkmonkey

    skunkmonkey New Member

    OK, I'm 29 years old and been trying to give up PMO with varying degrees of success since July last year, generally lasted 10-14 days each time (record was 17 days so not great).

    Have always been a bit nervous around women and my last relationship finished mainly due to my ED which she couldn't cope with, as I was looking at porn while going out with her. After this I got back into looking at porn on a semiregular basis until finding the yourbrainonporn site, and haven't been in a relationship with any girls during this time (have had a couple of one night stands and suffered from ED both times, although the second time I did manage eventually to have sex).

    Christmas day I started again and made it to 70 days before a relapse (just a one off). During this time I did masturbate a few times but there was no porn or porn fantasising. Just the thought of some girls I've been with in the past was enough for me and my erections were a lot harder than they've been in a long time. During the 70 days I was definitely noticing improvements, morning wood, stronger and more frequent erections etc.

    Thought I would give it another go and again, I tended to last 7-14 days each time. Most recent try was 24 days before PMO. Today is day 1 since PMO.

    Given that I have been trying to quit since last July, I am hoping that my previous efforts have had some effect and that I will experience signs of recovery after, say, 60 days rather than 90 or 120.

    Having given the matter some thought, I have realised that part of the problem may be that I have tried doing it all myself and not involving other people. I did keep a journal before but that was only for me. Couldn't tell family or friends as they would not understand. Although I have the K9 filter installed on my laptop, there is nothing on my housemates computer which is where I have been PMO recently.

    By keeping a public journal that others can read (even if only 1 other person reads this they will still know what I am trying to accomplish) I am making myself more "accountable". Whenever the thoughts appear in my head I can think that I am letting down myself but also anyone else who is reading this and offering advice or support.

    Apologies if this is first post is too long. I will try and update this every few days to keep a record of how things are going. Obviously the end goal is to never PMO and have a normal sex life. Fingers crossed that this time I can get there.
     
  2. Natsuki

    Natsuki Failure is success if we learn from it.

    Hello hopefullythistime.

    Welcome to the site. I am also new here. :) Don't worry about your first post being so long. Mine was like a novel. It's good to get whatever you need to off your chest. I've been reading some journals and posts for a little while before I decided to make my own journal and a lot of us joined for the same reason as you - having others to rely on or to give us more of a reason to keep continuing when things get tough really does help with progress.

    Try not to shortchange yourself. 17 days for an addict is great progress and you even made it to 70 days before - that is huge! I have been observing that setting small goals and creating a reward system for yourself if you are struggling can help you immensely. Reward yourself with something you want (something non-sexual of course) when you achieve that smaller goal until you reach the end goal. Make a checklist here in your journal. I see you already have an end goal to "never PMO and have a normal sex life." That is great start!

    A goal list example:

    2 weeks no PMO - Reward
    1 month no PMO - Reward
    6 weeks no PMO - Reward
    Etc.

    Best of luck to you. You can get there. :) Everyone on these forums will be here to help and offer you advice and support.

    -Natsuki
     
  3. Natsuki

    Natsuki Failure is success if we learn from it.

    Hey, how is your progress going? I hope all is well with you and you are keeping yourself occupied. :)
     
  4. skunkmonkey

    skunkmonkey New Member

    OK, by my reckoning this is day 9 of no porn, and it is going fairly smoothly so far. Yes there were some times when I've been a bit tempted to have a look (the thought process generally goes along the lines of "just one video" which obviously leads to more and more...) but it was easy enough to say no and find something else to do which took my mind off things.

    A lot of people probably say this but I've been finding that exercise and getting out of the house are a great way of occupying your body and mind which is all that I need now.

    What did happen a couple of days ago was MO. No porn involved, was staying in a hotel for work and just could not sleep. Was feeling really horny and when you can't sleep it is really difficult to say no. Although I'm a little bit gutted that this happened, there is none of the shame that I normally feel after PMO.

    To summarise: 9 days no PMO and 2 days no MO.
     
  5. skunkmonkey

    skunkmonkey New Member

    So this is day 16 and no PMO still which is great! However, I have made it to this point several times before and given in - the furthest I have managed is one 70 day stretch (with some MO) and one recent 24 day no PMO stretch.

    Again, there have been times where I've been very tempted to look at porn but this time round I am finding it easier to say no. As so many other people here have said, once that voice is in your head it can be very difficult to get out. What I am also doing when I get that voice in my head is remembering the shame of giving in last time I PMO.

    4 days ago I did MO though. Was feeling really horny again. Yes, there was no porn involved but I do feel that I should have been stronger and said no. Reading some more blogs and suggestions led me to the cold shower treatment, will keep this in my mind for next time!

    As I have already managed 70 days of no porn this year (and been through a flatline stage which was horrendous), it will be interesting to see how things progress the longer I can carry on with this attempt, ie will I have a long flatline or will my previous efforts have had an impact and I will notice improvements sooner?

    In short, 16 days no PMO and 4 days no MO :D
     
  6. skunkmonkey

    skunkmonkey New Member

    Dammit! Yesterday (which would have been day 17) was a bad day as I PMO.

    Not surprisingly I'm feeling pretty bad that it happened but I guess all that I can do is start again. Try and keep myself active and away from the computer, ignoring any chaser effects.

    Why did it happen? Was at home and knew my housemate would be out all night, so got out his laptop which hasn't got any K9 protection.

    So anyway, it begins again. Today is day 1 of no PMO...
     
  7. skunkmonkey

    skunkmonkey New Member

    More annoyed that I PMO yesterday, so again I'm back to day one.

    Why did it happen this time? I was pretty hungover, and I have found in the past that I am a lot more likely to PMO when hungover. The thought of PMO got into my head and whereas normally I would ignore it, this time my mind felt... weakened and unable to resist.

    Part of the reason that I was doing so well recently was that I had been getting into a rhythm of regular exercise, better diet and a lot less drinking. This led to a clearer state of mind and I am going to try and get back to this.

    al1234, yes you are 100% right that my 16 days did some good and I should never forget that. I do feel that my housemates laptop will be a problem I have to deal with, but it is quite difficult to ask him to change his password as he doesn't know about my no PMO challenge.

    He is away on holiday all week, so if I can make it through this week without using it then I really think that will be a great achievement for me.
     
  8. skunkmonkey

    skunkmonkey New Member

    Weekly update and have not PMO all week, so this reboot is now upto day 8. Housemate is now back from holiday and I didn't use his laptop at all which I am very happy about. Was not really tempted to PMO at all, which was probably a combination of being out of the house quite a lot and being at the start of a reboot therefore cravings were not so bad.

    Although I did MO a couple of days ago, there was no porn or porn fantasy involved so I do not feel too bad that this happened.

    There seems to be a marked difference in opinion about whether MO is extremely unhelpful to any reboot and should be avoided completely, or whether in moderation it doesn't do any damage. From what I have read, when someone is on the initial reboot all MO should be avoided completely and once they are recovered, MO is "allowed", though it is discouraged?
     

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