Time and soul killer

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by imout, Feb 20, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    You're making great strides on all fronts, good to here! There is a sense of emotional freedom I experience from not M-ing. I don't condemn it, but I personally sure feel better without it. It's as much my "addiction" as P.

    Perhaps instead of a carpet, that gathers petrochemicals from shoes, dust, fleas, mold and is highly flammable in spite of the carcinogenic flame retardants… a wood or floating laminate floor (not that they don't gas off, but….) Easy to keep clean, and you can use your living room for yoga, roller skating, unicycling, dance parties if you throw a little sawdust down. :)
     
  2. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    That thought creeps into me and I don't understand it at all.
     
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Look at the wider society for clues about this, I think you'll find them. My advice -- ignore that shit :)
     
  4. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    My g/f's son (12) games a lot.....I know shocker. I never game at all. I've made it a point to have a book around always. I finished my 2nd one in the last few months yesterday...an achievement for me.

    My challenge is reading when everyone else does not. My g/f and her son don't read much. So I either read before bed or when they're hanging out in the living room watching dreadful TV shows (to me anyway.....talking Full House from the 80s), I just sit with my book and read. I'm able to tune out the TV for the most part.
     
  5. imout

    imout Active Member

    The not-wanting-to succeed, or maybe not wanting to finish big projects is all around me in my life. Its not just this house, which should have been done 6 months ago and is keeping me from travelling and following crearive ideas I have. I had a business for 11 years until I was 40. It was my big step up into financial security and I have lived of the proceeds of selling it ever since. For the past 14 years , after the sale, I have never actually finished anything or brought it past the early stage of showing promise. I had a gallery for a short time, I did fotography with some success, I wrote the first draft of a book, I had thousands of feasible ideas ... but never carried anything out to the point that it works on its own steam

    People still ask me after years, what happened to your book, your photography ...

    I have no explanation for that. I seem to flutter thru the breeze like a leave in the wind, never settling on one spot
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Imout, it's clear that you're a man of many talents. That message comes through when I read your posts.
    I understand your struggle to find something to latch onto. It may be that tying up just one loose end will provide the shot of accomplishment and satisfaction that is eluding you. Start with finishing the house. You're so close. Just do it! Invite some people over to celebrate it. Then tackle something else that's near and dear to you; maybe finish that book.
    You got to 818 because you have the ability to stick with something. You've proven you can do it. I have no doubts you will do it again. Like many have said here, our successes at eliminating PMO must be matched with success at finding replacement activities that give us the sense of satisfaction we crave. We'll just have a chance at achieving true satisfaction that way, instead of constantly seeking something that can never provide happiness.
     
  7. imout

    imout Active Member

    vrey true and encouraging words , moz. Thanks for your support. Im trying on a daily basis, with varying degrees of success
     
  8. imout

    imout Active Member

    40 days no M...almost unheard off. Had a few urges today though. Mainly beause of this:

    Decided to erase that computer game I have been playing to excess . While I was at it I remembered that there were a dozen or so porn pix left I had stashed while on a relapse. Couldnt see a way of deleting them without seeing them. Thats why I hadnt deleted them. So I faced them this morning and then went into the recycle bin as well where I had a few dozen more. Urghh. Unbelievable the pull this has on me . Just a brief visual stimulation and my automatic brain keeps interfering with me. This is 3-4 hours ago and I still have to fend the visuals off from my inner screen.

    I had a familiar internal discussion again today. Its my womans birthday and I blew most of the morning buying stuff for a french dinner tonite. I realised how much I appreciate her kindness and positivity. She is very easy going ( she has "wobbles" too), very tollerant to my shit, incl my porn past and very good company. And now that the damn dog is with Manitu in the eternal hunting grouds, our opportunities for an adventurous life have grown exponentially

    While I have coffee in town my eyes wander from woman to woman and back to teh newspaper. And I realise the flipside of the coin. I have never had a woman of the type I sexually fancy and ogled on pornsites. My woman is pretty much the opposite of that type. I dont know why that is. I have fancied my previous women, found them attractive , most were genuinely attractive, even stunning. But in my fantasies I fancied different women, more stereotypically overweight women.

    Why have I never pursued them in real life? Or have I but never succeeded. Why is this an issue anyway? Of course "the grass is always greener..." is a typical addicts mentality. Programmed escapeism into fantasy. But in my case it feels like I could have stilled that hunger in real life. Why havent I?
     
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Been sitting here beginning to type something to say, and then erasing it. Can't think of what to say of much value. So I'll just say, "Foo was here." and happy 40.
     
  10. imout

    imout Active Member

    cheers atg
     
  11. imout

    imout Active Member

    quick check in to shout it out loud:

    day 50

    I praised the days in colourful fonds at the beginning of my reboot. It made me proud then. Considering I hadnt been without porn for any substantial time for 10-12 years prior.

    Anyway, im doing well, mostly. I have enjoyed several full-on weekends with my woman. she has grown on me, i really enjoy her company. Still not massively in love. This one is more a companionship kind of love. I am eternally grateful to her for being the supportive, tollerant kind partner she is. That is what I want and need after the drama of my past relationship. Inside me there is a yearning for sparks and butterflies, for firecrackers and orgiastic explosions. My mind wanders from time to time to other women. But really, ultimately it doesnt matter so much for me at this moment. I have a reliable warm play-buddy to share the excitement of the moment with. That is great and all i need right now.

    With xmas threatening like a dark cloud on the horizon i get very conscious about how I drag my heals finishing this house. Reminder: I bought a burnt out house in april 2014, it was designed to take my obsessive mind off the absurdly crazy end of my betrayal bond with my ex. It worked.

    I have procrastinated a lot around this project it has extended months past what I could have achieved. I am learning to be kind to myself and see it as my path . whatever happens, however well I do , its my story and Im ok with it. Mostly.

    Anyway its pretty far advanced, carpets before xmas, except from one room all painted. The gardening is not beautiful but civilised. And most of all its going to be /is already the flashest place i have lived in/owned. ( clarification: its still a humble place in a quiet upper workingclass area. Nothing suitable for a home improvement reality show)

    And : i have done a vast amount of the planning and execution myself, which is the first time I have done that.

    End of bragging

    best wishes to all you fellow addicts. And sorry that I dont participate in your journals much at th e moment.
     
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Happy 50

    Sounds like you're in a more stable place. Those dark clouds will pass.
     
  13. imout

    imout Active Member

    mmmh, its been over a months since I posted.
    No hassles at this stage. No P, no peeking, couple of misguided trips into peoples photo floes on facebook, which i departed within a minute, realizing what I was doing. some M, some leering and a couple of sessions of obsessing about some woman, which the monkey in me thought he had to have an encounter with. Thats the stats.

    Im having a good time with my japanese partner, she is kind and easy going . and yet outspoken and clear about what she wants. I still have very humble sex due to my unsatisfactory errections (a lot of that is in my head rather than real) and the lack of confidence around that. But we do have a good intimate life in bed.

    I had some very bad dramas in my salsa scene. I have been kicked out of the comittee, which hurt me and made me angry and fired up a round of rumination. This is petty committe politics and I do have my own negative imput into it. Fortunately its xmas and summer hoiday season , so all this slips into the background giving me some distance3 before I will react - or n ot.

    I had a massive xmas orphans party at my place, 35 people, campfire, potluck food, I cooked a caulfron of gumbo. great times . That is where one of my strengths lies - organisational/ motivational, and a source for a certain level of popularity.

    2016 will bring inevitable change, because certain things have petered out in my life. I hope I will have the level of guts and good attitude to make this a spectacular change. Id really like to draw on my strengths a lot more and be a loit less hampered by negativity and a bad attitude to myself. Im getting better, for sure. Much better than when I showed up here 3 years ago.

    best wishes to al of you and dont let the xmas overload , and misplaced expectations drag you down
     
  14. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Mmmm, gumbo!

    Stay the course Imout.
     
  15. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It's a long battle, and improvements are the name of the game. Merry Christmas.
     
  16. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I like the sound of the "xmas orphans" campout gathering, would like to have been there. Happy new year!
     
  17. imout

    imout Active Member

    100 days, feels like a milestone but not overly so.

    the past month was a good one. Had my annual xmas orphans party for folks who dont do the normal family xmas. 35 people! After wondering if anyone loves me still, i was chuffed.

    The party was an incentive to push progress on my house along. I managed to get carpet into the open plan area, which is now finished altogether. This was the burnt out shell I bought 20 months ago, with buckled roof irons showing daylight thru them, walls all charred, ceiling gone, now its pretty flash Happy!

    Then me and my woman went to a "hippy festival" . Im a rationalist my compass in life is science and philosophy. This was about spiritual healing, outlandish yoga practices , chanting etc. Had mayor trepidations, but went anyway. I had the most balanced and relaxed time in a long time. This festival was all about connecting to people , being open, accepting and supportive. All ages including children. Lots of fun, dancing etc, personal developement stuff. And the spiritual stuff? I didnt go! There was enough other stuff for me. I knew about 20-30 people already.

    The outcome for me was a greater focus on the things in myself i need to focus on this year. Like my sexlife, which is still hampered by my erection attitude (if not real erection issues). Like often not being present but in some fantasy luhluhland. Like not approaching strangers because i dont feel good about myself.

    One stunning realisation happened early on. I got there and felt out of place and unsure. I was trying to connect with strangers but more often then not veered off beforehand and slipped into my safe-zones (have a coffee, fantasize, read, find a friend) At the same time I was obsessing with a particularly pretty woman . I told myself a story that she slipped in and out of my radar purposely. After 2 days I realised that my connection issue immediately relates to my fantyasizing/ obsessing about women. Everytime i feel socially uncomfortable i focus on a woman. Wow, that is humbling. It makes it clear that the content of my obsessing is purely evasive and fictional.
    The other profound effect was that I didnt ruminate or even internalize for the whole time. I was just happy and balanced and in tune with myself. That is rare for me and I simply loved it. I still wear the pendant we all got as an entrance proof. everytime me or my partner get worked up about something or question too much or cant go with the flow, one of us pulls it out kisses it in a mocking gesture and says - also mockingly. go with the flow, dance your dances.

    I think I learnt something and it aint airyfairy. Its simple and all about attitude.

    Of course not all is rosy. Ive been wasting a lot of time gaming, I have ruminated about being kicked out from the salsa school committee, which I see as an act of betrayal and it presses all my betrayal buttons. I havent started working ( i dont have to in my lifestyle - which is a trap). But Im trying real hard not to turn this into a negativity-addiction spiral. Im saying, if i have to be addictive/obsessive at least be happy with it. other wise its a downward slide.

    So at this stage im pretty happy. Its my birthday this weekend and Im making people drive 1 1/2 hours to camp in a sandfly prone national park camp with a stinky campfire to join me. I love it
     
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Awesome update. Happy 100 and happy birthday. Go with the flow and all that…. :)
     
  19. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Happy 100 Imeout!
     
  20. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Belated happy birthday.

    Re the unfinished projects, (and the work on your house sounds like a very significant project you have moved forward), but did you not suffer from this issue until you sold the business? Selling your business, going to NZ, renovating a house, lots of travel, it all sounds good to me..

    It sounds very healthy that you are initiating social events. I felt awful over Christmas, the idea of going to my parents without my wife hurt... a Christmas orphan party was a lovely idea. Your girlfriend sounds nice - good to have a break from the crazy ones.
     

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