I am a 51 year old recovering porn addict I had my first contact with porn probably 1999 by 2003 after breaking up from a dear GF i was fully immersed and had first signs of ED , before that I had no contact to any porn but had been a daily masturbator I sold my business and went into early retirement. I had lots of time on my hand and had great hopes to become creative and self governed without external stresses. However too much time and a lack of self-discipline was a perfect scenario for delving into more porn. A depression in 2007 and 8 brought it to a very time consuming level. porn started to influence my life and on bad days that and the resulting feeling of deflatednes and uselesnes would destroy the whole day. Outwardly I am popular and highly regarded. Many people think I have an adventureous life that everyone admires. This is true and fortunately never changed. 2011 I met a very cool woman, who I was very happy with. However my porn addiction had rendered my erections unusable. we had very hesitant sex and her frustration built quickly, being a very sexual person. For a year I stayed on porn in the same way as ever and nothing changed. In bed the dynamics were always the same. Her pining for it me often rejecting her or entering into a sexual exchange which was alien to me and full of insecurities and feeling of inadequacy. She made me realise that my libido was unnaturally low and my attitude to sex negative. Right from the start I thought she was going to quit soon. After one year it came to the crunch. I realised I was loosing her. Under her immense pressure I told her everything in detail. To my absolute surprise she loved me more for it and respected me more too. I was hugely relieved and grateful. She had suspected my porn addiction for a while, the signs were obvious. How stupid are we that we think our smokescreens remain undetected. I promised to kick the habit. Unfortunately i kept a foot in the door. I Ped once every 2-3 weeks and M'ed 2 times a week. I told myself that is a healthy level. My biggest idiocy was that my GF had pointed me to Medhelp (the predecessor of this forum) and YBOP and the evidense was all there , but I only brushed over it and forgot about it . MAJOR MISTAKE< BIGGEST REGRET First I had no change at all. After she had an affair 6 months later i panicked and committed to the next stage. My low interest in sex and remote interest in her body wasnt acceptable , i realised . I developed a real craving for her and enjoyed sex very much, my erection, far from normal, became encouraging. we finally developed a form of penetrative sex for beginners. Her patience was admirable. It got better and better for 2 months while I was still dappling with porn on a low level. I never considered masturbation an issue. Then inexplicably my drive and erections went backwards to nearly where we had started. I was devastated . She just became quiet. The frustration was palpable. Unbenownst to me she started a secret sexual affair with a friend. she split 2 months later and is still with the guy. This was 6-7 weeks ago. I was shattered. Emotionally destroyed. I only found out about the affair a week ago. I made a vow to kick it for good. I have abstained since from PMO I attend SSLA meetings, i am entering therapy, I stopped alcohol. I am totally committed to pull this through. I realise its the only chance for me to have a normal life. I look at the wreckage of 8 years of no girlfriend and no serious interest in flesh-and-blood women. Although the chase still thrilled me. Just not what I had to face once they opened up. No orgasm through sex at all. NAd now my biggest casualty is the woman I could see myself spending the future with. She had developed secondary problems as a co-dependant like trust, feeling undesired. Ultimately she couldnt see herself with a guy like me in the future.. I am reeling from the loss. I am beating myself over the head constantly for not following her lead and confronting my demon. She had given me ample opportunity to get real. One year of not owning up and 8 more months of half-arsed approach. I could have saved this. The addiction is a mental disease that takes over and turns you into something you otherwise cant condone. We allow our demon self to take over. We are in charge but we give it up for the comfort of the fix. I also feel very bad about having pushed her through my not facing the music into her own compulsive streak of cheating. Without my issue she may not have had these episodes of cheating.