Time and soul killer

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by imout, Feb 20, 2013.

  1. imout

    imout Active Member

    I am a 51 year old recovering porn addict
    I had my first contact with porn probably 1999 by 2003 after breaking up from a dear GF i was fully immersed and had first signs of ED , before that I had no contact to any porn but had been a daily masturbator

    I sold my business and went into early retirement. I had lots of time on my hand and had great hopes to become creative and self governed without external stresses. However too much time and a lack of self-discipline was a perfect scenario for delving into more porn. A depression in 2007 and 8 brought it to a very time consuming level. porn started to influence my life and on bad days that and the resulting feeling of deflatednes and uselesnes would destroy the whole day. Outwardly I am popular and highly regarded. Many people think I have an adventureous life that everyone admires. This is true and fortunately never changed.

    2011 I met a very cool woman, who I was very happy with.

    However my porn addiction had rendered my erections unusable. we had very hesitant sex and her frustration built quickly, being a very sexual person. For a year I stayed on porn in the same way as ever and nothing changed. In bed the dynamics were always the same. Her pining for it me often rejecting her or entering into a sexual exchange which was alien to me and full of insecurities and feeling of inadequacy.

    She made me realise that my libido was unnaturally low and my attitude to sex negative. Right from the start I thought she was going to quit soon.

    After one year it came to the crunch. I realised I was loosing her. Under her immense pressure I told her everything in detail. To my absolute surprise she loved me more for it and respected me more too. I was hugely relieved and grateful.
    She had suspected my porn addiction for a while, the signs were obvious. How stupid are we that we think our smokescreens remain undetected.

    I promised to kick the habit. Unfortunately i kept a foot in the door. I Ped once every 2-3 weeks and M'ed 2 times a week. I told myself that is a healthy level. My biggest idiocy was that my GF had pointed me to Medhelp (the predecessor of this forum) and YBOP and the evidense was all there , but I only brushed over it and forgot about it . MAJOR MISTAKE< BIGGEST REGRET

    First I had no change at all. After she had an affair 6 months later i panicked and committed to the next stage. My low interest in sex and remote interest in her body wasnt acceptable , i realised . I developed a real craving for her and enjoyed sex very much, my erection, far from normal, became encouraging. we finally developed a form of penetrative sex for beginners. Her patience was admirable. It got better and better for 2 months while I was still dappling with porn on a low level. I never considered masturbation an issue.

    Then inexplicably my drive and erections went backwards to nearly where we had started. I was devastated . She just became quiet. The frustration was palpable. Unbenownst to me she started a secret sexual affair with a friend. she split 2 months later and is still with the guy. This was 6-7 weeks ago.

    I was shattered. Emotionally destroyed. I only found out about the affair a week ago. I made a vow to kick it for good. I have abstained since from PMO I attend SSLA meetings, i am entering therapy, I stopped alcohol. I am totally committed to pull this through. I realise its the only chance for me to have a normal life. I look at the wreckage of 8 years of no girlfriend and no serious interest in flesh-and-blood women. Although the chase still thrilled me. Just not what I had to face once they opened up. No orgasm through sex at all. NAd now my biggest casualty is the woman I could see myself spending the future with.

    She had developed secondary problems as a co-dependant like trust, feeling undesired. Ultimately she couldnt see herself with a guy like me in the future.. I am reeling from the loss. I am beating myself over the head constantly for not following her lead and confronting my demon. She had given me ample opportunity to get real. One year of not owning up and 8 more months of half-arsed approach. I could have saved this. The addiction is a mental disease that takes over and turns you into something you otherwise cant condone. We allow our demon self to take over. We are in charge but we give it up for the comfort of the fix.

    I also feel very bad about having pushed her through my not facing the music into her own compulsive streak of cheating. Without my issue she may not have had these episodes of cheating.
     
  2. imout

    imout Active Member

    Day 20
    This is one of the or maybe THE most profound time in my life. Going off porn and confronting the whole issue without any stops is like an earthquake has struck and you stand on liquifaction. The ground youve been treading which felt so solid is now all unstable and you dont know where you can tread safely. A lot of the hurt thats coming up is about letting the situation slip far enough to loose my girlfriend. I could have stopped this but didnt. Who is the guy who let this happen for the sake of some cheap unhealthy fantasies.

    I have had no craving for P at all. Zero. No M is also surprisingly easy, especially since it has been a comforter for more than 35 years. I had some spurts of horniness but generally around my old girlfriend. The urge was huge, but not acting on it was easy to swallow. This isnt a trigger for me. We had a relapse with each other and had explosive sex, better than i had experienced in years. I had a solid enough errection. a couple more tries soon after confirmed however that im not there yet at all. that was day 12. It made me happy though that things are getting better.

    Im confident in the reboot process. I just roll with it. Im coming to realise that going of PMO is like cold turkey from a serious drug. The physical and psychological changes are profound. I have insomnia for example, even with mild hormonal help I only sleep 4 hours. Im emotionally unstable, i go from downcast to euphoric , weepy , angry and back. I fidget and pace around. I talk a lot , fortunately someone is always at hand who will listen. Sexually Im flatlining right now. No reactions. I dont stimulate at all so i dont know how hard i would get. my groin feels sore, some internal changes, the doctor talks about fluid builtups and internal muscle aches. My body sense is different too. Lightly tense. I do have sexual thoughts around seeing women in public, but only mildly and occasionally. I believe that by cutting back 95% for almost a year now, i have regained a measure of my libido already.

    I have attended Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous since i started. I recommend that to everyone. its worldwide and works along the lines of alcoholics anonymous. Very supportive. You are in a group of people with the same issues. Best to get quickly over the sense that you arent like them. You are. It isnt a scoring game , so yes maybe you arent quite as bad, but you are in the same category. You lost control.

    Im doing therapy as well, no idea where that will lead.

    Im very positive about all of this even if the pain is huge. Who is this guy who has wasted so much time with this crap. Im humbled. Im gratefull to the 10-12 close people in my life, who I have told all of it, that they embrace me and reaffirm their respect for me.
    I have learne dso much in the past 3 weeks about myself and my problem and the effect it has and th ewhole sexual addiction issue.
    All of this is cool, way cool. Im a good man and im making myself better. The demon that has occupied part of me and poisoned more and more of the rest of me, who has stole 8 years of love and sex of me, cost me what is dearest in my life right noew (my ex), made me withdrawn, lie, depressed, taht demon is in a cage now. Im going to starve him to death.
    Cant wait to have great loving sex

    PS I so wanted to go thru this process with my girlfried. Help and nurture each others hurt, face the pain. forgive and heal. Not for me unfortunately, but ultimately im doing this for me. I wish I could say im doing this also for her.
     
  3. Gino Miles

    Gino Miles Seeking the mindset that porn is not an option

    Keep it up. This place is changing me life.
     
  4. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Quite an account imout. You are on the road to recovery and 21 days is an admirable start. We're here to help.
     
  5. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Welcome here!

    Great report. You are in an advanced state of knowledge! And you are in a flatline as it seems. Be prepard for comming urges. AA have the attitude to develope ne habits. Did you already?

    Keep posting and ask!
     
  6. imout

    imout Active Member

    "AA have the attitude to develope ne habits. Did you already?"

    sorry youngoldie, ii dont understand that

    thanks for your encouraging words
     
  7. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Sorry for the mistake and being unclear. As I have learned, Alcohilcs Anonymus learn to replace their habit of drinking with other usefull habits. I was asking if you already found some habits to replace you "old behaviour".
     
  8. imout

    imout Active Member

    Day 26
    still no cravings , still no PMO. Still flatlining, but a couple of morning boners. Thats good, but I had that before , the flatlining is pretty discouraging, although it doesnt hurt of course. I dont have any problems with the reboot process. That crazy phase of huge moodswings is slowly subsiding. Im not back to normal , but its more manageble. I had many amazing insights and thought processes. Ive learned heaps. I develope more confidence and walk taller. I have huge support from 10-12 people who know everything. I havent started doing more interesting things with my time yet.

    I have serious designs on a couple of women I know. I get these phantasies... I will pursue both , not sure what I will do when we get naked. Im apprehensive and Im hearing from you , that its better to wait. what to do?

    I guess the big dark hole and time eater in my reboot is my ex-girlfriend. Still obsessing with her, however less. I finally have realised that I had taken her issues on board too much and felt guilty too much. Under the cloud of my addiction everything circled around her not getting enough sex. Every problem in the relationship somehow reflected on that. Her issues were always deflected. In the end she had an affair behind my back for 8 weeks and maintains to this day that there is nothing wrong with that. " you didnt give me enough sex."
    I feel hugely betrayed in my efforts to make good and my love for her. I do now realise what people keep telling me that she isnt a good person. Her own sex addiction ( she cheats habitually) has totally distorted her view of everything. I cant reconcile the pretty sweet loving girl of once with the angry twisted deluded one that I have to confront now. Anyway, this makes me getting over her easier.

    This complex breakup has confused the whole issue around my addiction. I was ready to assume total responsibilty for the fall out of my porn addiction. Now I have to realise that her sex issues played into it majorly. Her constant craving for sex and ultimately her readiness to cheat and betray me to get it (weeks on end) are a good indicator of her own compulsive issues. I have done a lot of research on addictions and she fits the profile of the compulsive cheater. I know now that by not providing her with the loving sex she could expect I aggravated her problem. She might have been ok with normal sex (or not, who knows). I am aware of my level of deception when I was acting out, I know I betrayed her, i betrayed her of a great sex life too. But what she cant see is that her level of violating the safe cocoon of our relationship is so much more brutal. Lying every day and night that everyuthing is ok when youve already got your nxt date with your secret lover planned. The density of her deception was stunning. Professional.
    Im getting over it and feel a lot better about myself, after accepting that the immense pressure on me was unfair. I had done my best. Id cut dowm PM by 95% for her. I just hadnt been ready to face the music entirely

    I have serious designs on a couple of women I know. I get these phantasies... I will pursue both , not sure what I will do when we get naked. Im apprehensive and Im hearing from you , that its better to wait. what to do?
     
  9. imout

    imout Active Member

    Unbelievably horny for women I know. Havent had this for years. Serious urge. First time since reboot that I had a glimpse of an urge to masturbate, but it went in no time. Just a little reflexive thought. Anyway some of the women are definite no go zones. I won't loose perspective on that. Dont want to become like my ex. Stepping over a line driven by a spontaneous urge.
    What is the overall opinion about casual sex or playing around with women , who u dont love ? Im on day 26.
     
  10. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Pretty normal stuff. There were times early on I felt like a sex machine but it was all in my head.
     
  11. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Why would you? You deserve better. If you were to meet a lady and get to know her for a couple of months, and it just happened, that would be fine, I think. But if you go out and deliberately search for a target to get off with, it seems not that different than jerking off.
     
  12. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Agreed.
     
  13. imout

    imout Active Member

    mmmh, you make me think. I do know these women and had sex with them before, humble sex because of my ED. They arent just a quick pickup, but I would never fall in love with them. They arent exciting personalities.
     
  14. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    My personal feelings on the matter are that sex is only truly enjoyable if you share your life with the person. I was, at one time, living separately from my wife but having conjugal visits. I hated the feeling I had when I got home from those visits. It was empty, forlorn and depressing. Sex, under those circumstances, was a negative. We have pair bonding built into us, no matter how hard we try we can't escape our true nature.
     
  15. imout

    imout Active Member

    Thanks LTE for the thoughts. I guess I have lived most of my life thinking of myself as single. Sometimes even when I wa inside a relationship. In my adult life I have never scored a lot of women or tried to. However I sometimes felt a great connection with women even if it lasted only a while. I guess im feeling lonely and confused after the loss of my girl and staring reboot at the same time. Im still having emotional ups and downs. Im craving loving tenderness.
    Porn is out, no bargaining there. M is out and if ever again then in real moderation. Sex? I will have to see how i develope in this reboot process. I dont know when it will be admissable for me and although I really want a loving caring relationship im not sure if anything less than that is ok for me or not.
    Thanks for caring. I appreciate any support. I admire how you guys hold out in this process.
     
  16. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I'm going to pass along an amazing and powerful truth: You don't need sex, but you can have sex. The point here is this, you are in the drivers seat. The significance, as I see it, is this; you can hold out and wait for sex on terms favorable to you.

    Reuniting.info has forum members that choose not to have orgasms because they feel greater satisfaction from bonding based sex. Now, if they choose to forego orgasm voluntarily that tells me that orgasm isn't what satisfies. It might seem that way, but what really makes us feel good is the closeness and bonding within intercourse.

    This really changed my perspective because, for the first time since puberty, I didn't feel that I was living from orgasm to orgasm. This leaves room for a lot of good things, like waiting for the right sort of person; something important if you really want true happiness in a relationship. It can be done, but only if we don't fall for the hype that makes your sex drive into a time bomb.
     
  17. imout

    imout Active Member

    Day 27
    Yesterday was the first day of temptation. I had the temptation to M glimpsing thru the fog, just a wee bit. I was very horny. It wasnt a real problem though, all I had to do is not act on it. I was on the laptop the whole time. No craving for porn.

    Later that night I met a woman I had slept with in the past, kind of lined her up for future reference. I let it go for now too. I will be ok without any sex for a while

    LTE thanks again for your thoughtful reply. I personally think that orgasm, the way nature has equipped us with it is a beautiful thing and I cant wait to get to the point where I might have the real deal with a woman I have a deep enough connection with. My memories of the super nova explosion that My partner and i used to have in the days before ED are still vivid. The total utter union of the two of us in this galactic boom. The wide open eyes seeing strait into each other. Thats what I want, that is one of the greatest casualties of my addiction.
    Hang in there guys, another day of opening up and learning and healing for all of us.

    Lets make this a day where NOT ONE of us slips up AND GETS SOFT
     
  18. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    You can, and should, have this again. The point is, you can put off the desire for orgasm until the time that you can share it with your lady.
     
  19. imout

    imout Active Member

    Thout a lot about the wasted time and consequent feeling useless while in the vortex of PMO addiction. My worst times which were while having a depression would peak in say 3 hours in th e morning, coffee in town and another 4 hours in the afternoon. WTF!!! the memory is just plain ugly. I recently had a lovely and very beautiful GF who forced me to face up and get on the wagon to recovery. To think it took one year of ongoing PMO (although reduced) to actually adresse the issue, while my ED remained unchecked and my libido was super low while she was pining for sex with me,...

    Anyway, I then reduced P to once every 2-3 weeks and M to maybe 2 to 3 times a week. It didnt give me a lot of results at all for 5 months , then it got a wee bit better, half-arsed erections and considerably better libido. But I lost the GF anyway, because she didnt get the sex she wanted and didnt think I was giving it all. She was right of course. I was still making excuses for little indulgences. My loss. Big loss. Im reeeling. What im saying is: id like to encourage everyone to let M go altogether. DO it for the sake of a great sexlife later. Dappling with it just keeps your mind on unhealthy mindset. To go cold turkey will bring huge physical and mental upheaval , but most of us experience that as positive, becau e it builts self-worth and leads you to new knowledge about yourself. Doing occasional M'ing seems to get rid of all symptoms of withdrawal but you arent really rebooting totally. This is from a guy who did it for a year at the cost of a relationship and the realisation I had just fooled myself.

    I dont agree with teh idea that M is unnatural. A normal guy will M from time to time and it will be a celebration of ones own sexuality by one self. Also a release possibly from knowing you will never have sex with that married woman you have oogled for a while. So have some M and then forget about her. However we arent normal anymore. We are in the throws of a raving addiction, like the fat guy with chocolate, we have to let it go for a time or possibly a long time to find back to a balanced mindset taht allows for healthy sex. And decent erections in my case. Not wanting to sound patronising at all, im just a fellow junkie in recovery. But I think we all should take the plunge., Kick it altogether. Dont bargain with yourself. PMO aint for you any more, bye bye demon.
     
  20. imout

    imout Active Member

    Day 28
    surprise surprise, I ended up with a woman in my bed last night, a total stranger, sweet woman, tatooed all over, which isnt my style at all. No sex. No play, just sweet kisses and cuddles. Awesome, I felt very good about it. Partly because I wasnt affected by my ex's presence earlier that night, partly because this kind of thing pulls me out of my introvert PMO haze. partly becasue it was all positive and I am certain that it was good for my reboot process.
    Im walking tall, people pointed it out. I lost weight , now I look healthy without a paunch. Its looking up.
    I wish all of you a successfull day , enjoy the energy that you have freed by kicking porn. Walk tall.
     

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