TicoFap’s Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by TicoFap, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Day 1
    Just subscribed to Universal Man this morning. Became a member and payed for the Reforged Man course. Looking awesome!

    I will pay for a 1 on 1 coaching session with Mark. Price is steep but totally need it.

    I’m feeling down cuz I relapsed yesterday.

    From looking and the Grounding and Centering part of the course, I noticed what was already intuitively feeling. I have very poor energy management. I’m in my Terminal Self most of the time. Which causes me to sweep to Primal mode at some point like a pendulum. That’s when I’m at risk of messing up!

    I’m also really tense most of the time throughout the day. So need to start grounding myself and administer my energy better.... just too tense all the time! And beating myself up with this internal dialogue... just in general treating myself poorly. I’m emotionally repressed. Need to let go and start caring for myself more. Treating myself better. Don’t be so hard on myself ... be more positive and mindful.
     
  2. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Day 3

    Decided to do some social work yesterday. Joined a group to feed and cloth the homeless people in the streets of San Jose. Activity is done every last Sunday of the month. I think it’s a good way to get distracted from our problems. Sometimes we think they’re too big when they’re really not! Besides, a lot of these guys are addicts and stuff. You get to relate to them and try to help out as best you can. By helping others, you help yourself that’s definitely true!

    Scheduled a 1 hr session with Mark Queppet this Wednesday. Really feel like I need to be all in order to recover. Plus I also really need professional feedback on what things I’m doing wrong! There’s definately stuff I’m doing wrong...
     
  3. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Do you meditate?
     
  4. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    I just started doing some “Grounding” exercises this weekend. Part of the Reforged Man course. It’s pretty similar. Breathing exercises to relax the body, emotions and the mind.
     
  5. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Day 15:
    Negatives of Using Porn.

    On my Primal Self:
    - Not sure if Porn had to do with it but I was always so shy throughout my life. And had a incredible inability to talk to girls! Much less get intimate with them. It was inconceivable for me! I was struck with tremendous fear... It was just Overwhelming... So maybe Porn produced social anxiety on me?
    - I think it also could've contributed to my Narcissism. I tend to be really focused on myself, my own world and I tend to not take much interest in other people's lives. Or participate in large social activities.
    - Might've made it difficult for me to get out of my comfort zone the majority of the time...
    - PIED
    - Some weird fetishes
    - Lack of attraction to real women

    On my Terminal Self:
    - It would make it hard to concentrate/focus when I got aroused
    - It increased how much I had to procrastinate throughout the day
    - Hypofrontality
    -

    Holistically:
    - Never had a girlfriend... So it's clearly affected my romantic side of life
    - I don't have that many girls that are friends
    - There's a whole sexual dimension to women that is greatly unknown to me. And my own sexual self is vastly unexplored (to me masturbation and porn does not exactly count as sex)
    - I feel emotionally fragile due to this and it's making it hard to live a full and plentiful life. With no fears or regrets. Be able to enjoy life to it's fullest!
    - Sometimes I think that this problem also lead me to explore drugs and have relationships with unhealthy people. Pretty much just fuck my self up even further...
    - I've always been kind of a loner. But I think Porn might've contributed to my social apathy or low social interaction.
     
  6. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Costs of Quitting Porn:
    It's gonna cost Big Time. It's gonna cost quitting pot and alcohol. The former is okay with me but the latter is going to hurt at some point. I realized that alcohol is one of my triggers and I just cant predict when or how bad it'll trigger me. So I have to quit. I would say 80% of the times I've relapsed I've been either drunk or high. So if I want to secure my win, I need to quit. Period.
    Also, I think I have an alcohol problem because at times I cant seem to control my behavior, end up doing stupid shit and not remembering a lot of things I did. Which is concerning and dangerous. I can go for weeks without drinking, but when I do, sometimes I go overboard. Realizing this is a big step in my life. Real proud of myself here!

    Now I'm really afraid of my next trigger... I can go for weeks and months abstaining from Porn. And barely get triggered. But at some point I get triggered and when it comes, it comes BAD! I mean major earthquake! It comes strong, and sometimes it can last for days... I'm honestly really scared of myself. But I know it's going to happen and when it does i HAVE to be prepared. It almost feels as if this is the only thing I need to overcome. It's my bad ass triggers that don't come very often but are so strong they completely take over me! They control my mind and my thoughts and even though I know it's bad for me I just don't care. It's insane... like a conscious autopilot. I'm acting a certain way that I know I shouldn't and I'm hearing my consciousness in the back saying Noo Noo Stop! But my body acts differently...

    I think quitting's gonna cost me abstaining from sexual relationships for I don't know how long. Maybe a few months, maybe the rest of the year. I'm scared I won't know how to handle myself if I start dating again. I don't want to relapse. I need someone who understands where I'm coming from and totally supports me. Otherwise it's not worth a shot. It'll be uncomfortable at some point to start dating and telling girls the truth of why I need to abstain from sexual intercourse for I don't know how long... That kinda talk is just so awkward...

    Besides my craving I'm gonna start to have to deal with depression at times, and all the emotional up and downs. My insecurities and my mind's gonna play tons of tricks. It's gonna think I never had a problem in the first place! that I'm totally fine and I don't need this NoFap shit. It's all a hoax... bla bla blah. And later it'll be like oh you're probably totally fine now! it's been 60 days! My mind's my strongest but worst ally. Need to build a much stronger foundation in order to conquer it.

    Quitting's also costing me money! Just spend about $600 on Universal Man and I'm on a $20 subscription. I'm already on a budget so it's gonna hurt but totally what I need
     
  7. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Day 18
    My Benefits of Using Porn
    Primaly, it's the instant release of stress and tension. Or avoiding a bad feeling and replacing with a better one (orgasm).
    I can't say much now, cuz the addiction Im working on is somewhat different, but way back when I was in High School I realize I wasnt very smart emotionally. And socially, well I didnt do very much of that! I bottled up a lot of feelings and discomforts, I was also a very insecure guy. And even though Dark Side Motivation proved extremely useful for me throughout most of my productive years as a student (I got really good grades!) it was taking a toll on me... Now I think Porn help me cope with all that emotional darkness within me. It offered gratification where I found nowhere else in the outside world. Maybe that got me hooked up to it even more...
    Now Terminaly I would say it would help me not think about the negative stuff going on in my head constantly all day in and out. That release just disconnected my mind, at least for some minutes and I could be someplace else, in a more "blissful" place if I may say...

    This pattern I may have maintained it throughout my years in College. So how was I supposed to conquer my addiction if I didnt understand it was rooted way deeper than just watching Porn? I had to change my entire being in order overcome this addiction. Massive internal transformation. I have to evolve or perish
     
  8. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Men, boys, buy into porn because schools and parents raise them early on that they do not matter.

    Energy needs to flow. I dont matter? Porn shall do for this forumale.

    Existence needs you. You are needed. You are important. You are here to be unique and flow energy to what you wish in this world.

    Flow the energy. Decide where to put it and let it floooow.

    Pick up the sword at your feet. Someone has knocked it from hands, and you doubt whether you should pick it up. Do you deserve such power? What would you use such power for?

    Pick up the sword at your feet. Boldly go, and do what you feel in your heart.

    Existence needs you.
     

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